Chapter 33
chapter
thirty-three
Blood stainsthe sheets beneath us from Journey’s wound even after I”ve cleaned it up with peroxide and a bandage from my store run, but we don”t care. The person who comes to clean the room after we’re gone might be bothered by the sight of crimson on white sheets, but we’re not. For Journey and me, we’re right at home.
I sit with my back against the headboard while Journey lays with her head against my chest, a finger trailing down my bare stomach until it meets the covers before starting at the top again. Her hair smells of vanilla tonight, and I breathe it in. Now that I’ve taken my rage out on her, I feel better, more accepting of the fact that she’s here. I love having her in my arms, and although our future is as dim as the lights in the room, nothing beats having my Little Devil by my side.
I run my fingers down her shoulder, bypassing the congealed blood on her back from her new mark. The letter E stands out even in the dark, and the sight of it soothes me. She let me carve one of my initials into her. If there was any doubt left that she is committed to me, it’s gone now. Her torso still holds the outline of the rope criss-crossing her skin, a patchwork of squares, ropeburn, and bruises that make her look like abstract artwork. Even now, after all that she has done and all that has happened, she is a sight to behold.
“I’m sorry,” she says out of nowhere, breaking through the silence. She keeps her head down, watching as her fingers ski down my skin, but her voice is emotional. “I was wrong about everything, and I let my insecurity get to me like a teenager. Your coworker—the one I beat up—didn”t deserve that. I should”ve trusted you to remain faithful to me instead of thinking that her mere existence could potentially cause problems between us down the road. I realize I was being ridiculous and I’m sorry, Sir.”
“Is that what it was? Insecurity?” I ask, genuinely curious about Journey’s mindset. I need to know what makes her tick so that I can be better prepared for her triggers in the future. I can’t be the Dom she needs if I don”t know absolutely everything about her.
“I guess so,” she answers. “I know it doesn”t make any sense. Nothing I’ve done as of late does. I just saw her and let it wreak havoc in my mind.”
“Journey, she didn”t flirt with me at all, and even if she had, my love for you would never allow me to do something fucked up like that.”
“I know … I was wrong. I’ve been wrong a lot lately, including the diner.”
“Why didn’t you admit to it when it was clear that I knew you did it?”
“Because it was a secret I was keeping, and I’ve been keeping my little secrets my entire life. I’m not used to sharing them with anyone. You and I have our own secrets that no one else knows about, but I had secrets well before I met you and I’ve always only had myself to share them with. I can’t explain it in a way that makes sense, but it’s just who I am. It was something I did that I didn”t want anyone else to know about, and it didn”t matter if that piece of shit kid went down for it. Unfortunately, he had an alibi anyway and I was stuck with it. The entire situation was fucked up and I should”ve listened to you when you told me to let it go.”
“Yes,” I say, “you should”ve.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry, Evan,” Journey says, her head still unmoved. “In hindsight, I realize how it all makes me look—the girl, the diner, Sierra’s body … I look psychotic.”
“Looking psychotic has never bothered me, Little One. If you haven”t noticed, I’m a bit psychotic myself. I don”t mind lying to anyone else, and I’m not asking you to be some moral statue on a hill for the world to use as an example. I’m not and don”t want to be. But we don”t need to lie to one another. I honestly couldn”t fucking care less about the act of you burning down the diner. It’s the lies that I don”t understand. That’s what pisses me off. It seems that you haven”t realized that we’re two peas in a pod. There is no one else like us out there, and no one will love you like I do. There”s no need to keep secrets from me. You don”t have to do anything alone anymore because you”re not alone. You have me. Always.”
Journey doesn”t turn around, but I hear her as quiet sobs escape her mouth against her will. This is the second time I’ve heard her crying, but it doesn”t turn me off to her. It makes me love her more. I like seeing her vulnerable. I love knowing that she has a sensitive side that isn”t always as cold as ice. Knowing her is all I care about, but there are a couple more questions I need answers to.
“Why didn”t you tell me you watched me bury Sierra?” I ask.
Journey doesn”t hesitate, finally ready to tell the truth. “I didn”t like how it would make me look in your eyes. I watched you in The Black Collar for a long time but … I liked watching you. I’m not even sure it had anything to do with courage. I just liked seeing you, watching the way you moved and how people reacted to you. I couldn”t get enough, and while that made sense to me, I knew that you’d lose it if you had any inkling that I was sitting outside your house after you left the club. There was no way to keep myself from looking like a stalker, so I didn”t say anything. By the time the investigation started, I was already so enamored with you that I didn”t give a fuck about the missing girl. All I wanted was you. I wanted you to want me too, and knowing I had been watching you isn”t something that would make you want me. So I made sure Winter didn”t get too close while I got as close as I possibly could.”
I nod my head, totally shocked by all of this new information. “Wow. I’m not sure I even know what to say.”
“You don”t have to say anything,” says Journey. “I just want you to know that I’m sorry about all of it, especially me plotting on Trey. I realize how fucked up it is for me to disregard how you feel about him just because he upset me. I wouldn”t blame you if you didn”t forgive me.”
I think about it all, asking myself over and over if I actually do forgive her for what she planned to do to Trey. It’d be easy to say that she crossed a line that there is no coming back from, but saying that would be lying to myself and denying how much I love this woman. She has been through so much and may be the only person on this god-forsaken planet who can relate to me fully. I love Journey, and the truth of the matter is that as much as I like Trey, I could live without him. I can, under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever, live without Journey.
“It’s hard to forgive,” I admit, still caressing her shoulder as her finger slides between my pecs. “But I never asked you to be perfect. If I did, it would make me a hypocrite. Admittedly, I could kill you for what you’ve done, but I love you far too much to ever contemplate being without you. So, I guess I’ll have to do something else.”
“Something else? What do you mean?” Journey asks. “What are you going to do?”
I let out a sigh as I stare straight ahead, a plan taking shape in my mind’s eye.
“You’re always asking me how you can please me. Well, now it’s about how I can please you,” I answer. “I’m going to kill him, Little Devil. I’m going to kill Summers. For you.”