I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy (Cosmic Chaos #2)

Prologue

For all the sharpness in my beak, I couldn’t fathom why. Names were a personal affair. To have every stranger use it, whether they be a lover or strained acquaintance, seemed so…indecent.

Blair’s affection meter status sat below the rating, with a red warning sign flashing around it, indicating the couple’s deep distress.

Naturally, command started molting as soon as her meter reached its first negative bar, and it was decided to capture the pair for rehabilitation.

A stroke of bad luck caused yours truly to draw the short tail feather to retrieve Osid and his mate.

At arrival on the scene, I cranked my ray gun as high as it would go and zapped him into oblivion without much thought and collected his mate soon after, with a much gentler setting, in case the human was already pregnant.

Now, forty thousand feathers in the air, I realized I should have had the same strict safety precautions with his mate.

Blair’s movements were sluggish, which was the only reason I had enough time to react when she pulled out her gun.

In her weakened state, she struggled to hold the gun up to Osid’s head and had to use her free hand just to steady her arm.

A very dignified squawk rattled the hovercraft before I shoved the yoke forward, causing the ship to plunge down. Blair’s arm flew up just in time for the bullet to bury itself in the windshield instead of her mate’s skull.

The Sankado’s head lolled uselessly to the side, but the contempt in his dulled eyes reflected in the pitiful spark of flame that ignited from the tips of his fingers.

With an indignant snarl, Blair raised the gun again.

“Oh no you don’t,” I said, and pressed the release hatch.

The ship’s windshield retreated, and the sound of screams filled the air.

Startled, my fingers slipped from the yoke.

There was a click behind me, and I frantically grabbed the yoke and barrel-rolled the ship, once, twice, a third time until the gun slipped from her weakened grasp and fell to the river below.

Blair punched the back of my seat and yelled over the endless screaming. “Hey, you dick, that was a gift!”

“So is life!” I screeched back. With one hand on the yoke, I pulled out my ray gun, turned the dial up with my beak and shot the human, effectively ceasing all her attempts to maim her mate.

Sighing in relief, I finally allowed myself to look down to search for the source of that odd endless screaming.

Frogs. Hundreds of them all gathered in the river below just…screaming.

“Are they supposed to do that?”

I slumped back in my seat and wondered, not for the first time, why I hadn’t simply quit several cycles ago and avoided all this mess.

Several Cycles Ago

Intern 104 Log: Monsoon 44, Year 10, Waffles

Phase 3: Prerelease conditioning

Snow kicked up around the hovercraft as it drifted softly over the frozen tundra.

I guided the ship over the walls of the primitive encampment and let the pod hover near the bonfire where several Sankado had gathered.

My fingers trembled as I adjusted the transmitter.

The linguistics team had assured me that they had cracked the finer intricacies of the Sankado language enough to deliver this message, but this particular group was known to be hostile against Biwbans.

Their leader came to stand at the forefront, a hulking light-gray male with jagged scars raking across his face and a giant spear in his hand.

I cleared my throat, and the static it sent into the mic only made the Sankado scowl.

“Hello, alien life-forms, I am a Behavioral Observation Intern with the Biodiversity Conservation Initiati—AHH!”

The spear lodged itself in the windshield of my hovercraft.

I flattened my body to the side of the ship, nearly molting when I noticed the missing down feathers on my side.

Before the alien had the chance to launch another attack, I flew the craft higher in the air out of striking range.

“Headquarters warned me they’d be hostile, but this is ridiculous.

Don’t they know not to impale the messenger? ”

Swallowing nervously, I placed shaky hands back on the microphone and continued speaking. “We at the BCI would like to extend our warmest regards and hope that you have been settling into your new environment well.”

The leader stomped his hoof, and a smaller male ran to fetch him another spear. He brought the tip to his lips and blew fire until the spearhead ignited.

“Now Subject K 67…let’s not get hasty.”

He smiled and poised to strike.

“Don’t—AHHH!”

* * *

Hours later, my pod hovered above the pinnacle overlooking the settlement labeled only as “Dustbowl.” Blistering heat had me dialing up the AC to full blast. I fluffed my feathers to allow the cold air to reach my skin and activated the transmitter.

The Sankado who led this group was even more hulking than the last; he didn’t look any friendlier either.

“As you well know,” I continued, the speech resuming seamlessly after days of practice.

“Your previous planet has been destroyed due to Voxen contamination. The company responsible, Fuel X, has been ordered to take full responsibility in ensuring the repopulation of your species. To rectify their mistake, the BCI was enlisted to terraform this new planet to provide everything your species needs to survive and thrive. We understand that your species’ females did not survive the planet transfer, and naturally, your species cannot continue without them.

For the past few years, we have been searching tirelessly for a suitable replacement, and it is my pleasure to inform you that we have succeeded! ”

High winds howled against the pod’s hull.

The endless grasslands did nothing to curb their strength, and I had to kill the hover feature just to keep the pod from sliding off the hill.

“They are being delivered to a secluded enclosure here on this planet in one month’s time,” I continued.

“The females will be given a ten-day period to adjust to their new environment. When those ten days are up, we will move on to the next step in the repopulation program and release the females into your environment.”

Subject H 4 scratched at his beard as he leaned against the grazing stegosaurus. He and the band of Roamers he led were the first encounter I had that didn’t start off with threats of violence.

When none of them made any move to change that, I continued.

“To ensure a harmonious and effective introduction, we request that each group dispatch their fittest and most desirable males to Meet-Cute Valley. The coordinates are Y-4, X.5. Meet-Cute Valley will serve as a buffer zone to host the initial interactions between males and the incoming females. Rest assured that the overseers will not interfere in the initial courtship process. We believe that further interference would be a hindrance to your race. Males should be present in Meet-Cute Valley within five days of the release date to acclimate before the arrival of the females. The BCI remains committed to providing ongoing support throughout this transition. Thank you for your cooperation. Goodbye.”

* * *

The Pink Basin stretched out below, vibrant pink blossoms covered the trees.

Nestled at the edge of the grove was the largest Sankado settlement I’d seen yet.

Wooden huts clustered around the human enrichment building this group had converted into a fortress.

Surrounding the settlement was a gored and battered wooden fence, its stakes splintered and scarred by past assaults.

This settlement was the last on my list, and the wall’s gored state did nothing to soothe my nerves.

My com reader said that this group was led by Subject S 52.

Before making my descent, I pulled up his file to see if it had any information on how to approach.

Subject S 52’s face appeared on-screen with the following message.

Subject S 52

WARNING: HIGH-RISK INDIVIDUAL

Current leader of the Pink Basin settlement

THREAT LEVEL: Extreme

KNOWN FOR: Execution of previous research envoys, high territorial aggression, frequent conflict with neighboring clans

ADVISORY: In-person missions strongly discouraged. Engage at your own peril.

Rage chipped my beak. “Oh, of course they send the expendable intern to the most dangerous settlements!”

I cut the screen and banged my head against the steering wheel. “Zorblax, I don’t get paid enough for this.”

I don’t get paid at all, but that’s beside the point.

The pod’s engine sputtered as I maneuvered close to the settlement, skimming the treetops for any signs of nonhostile life.

Two large males were duking it out in the clearing in the middle of the settlement while surrounding Sankado cheered them on.

Not a good sign. The battered wooden fence came into sharper view, its stakes darkened with what was most likely old blood.

I hovered a safe distance away, debating my approach. Landing inside the wall during their punching party seemed like an invitation to be skewered. Apparently with Subject S 52 at the helm, that wasn’t hyperbole. My crest flattened nervously as I peered through the window.

“Maybe I should just quit. There’re other jobs out there, surely.

” Outside of my training, of course. The bitter truth was, with the new Biwbanian administration slashing half the funding for the Department of Biodiversity Conservation, it would be a miracle to find another position like this.

This internship might not be paid, but it would give me the certifications I needed to move on to a full-time researcher position.

Still, I can’t get certified if I’m dead.

The ship’s motion sensors picked up a heat signal east of me, and that was when I spotted him.

Just outside the walls, a lone male stalked through the grove, crouched low in silence.

He was clad only in a black loincloth, a bow slung across his back, and a sharp spear in his hands.

A hunter. Zigzag horns jutted proudly from his scalp while his long gray tail lazily swished the foliage behind him, covering his footsteps.

He paused beside a patch of disturbed ground, inspecting tracks in the soil.

Well, headquarters never said I had to deliver the message to the leader of each settlement. Might as well avoid the bloodbath waiting for me beyond the wall.

I descended slowly, keeping my engines whisper quiet so as to not disturb him too quickly. His head snapped up in an instant, his grip tightening on the spear. I flipped on the speakers and put on my best please don’t kill me voice.

“Greetings, Sankado male!” I said, my voice squeaking a little. “Don’t be alarmed, I come bearing good news!”

His eyes narrowed, but he stood up straight and lowered his spear.

“Listen, I have an important message for your leader. But I was hoping I could relay it through you instead.” I could feel my voice starting to crack with nervousness.

The hunter motioned for me to continue and listened intently as I gave my speech.

“Can I entrust you to make sure your leader receives the information? We were only able to secure a small number of females due to our time restraints. So at the moment, we are only requesting the fittest males to take part in the initial meeting.”

He didn’t respond at first, and I worried that our linguistics team had failed, and I’d just spent the past week speaking nonsensical gibberish at hostile life-forms for nothing. Without confirming or denying he understood my request, the male turned and stalked back into the trees.

“…Right,” I said. “Well, I did tell them. No one can accuse me of skimping on my duties. If they wanted me to go beyond, they’d pay me.”