Chapter Twenty Three
River
—Nine months ago—
––––––––
Zane stopped at the bedroom door and looked over his shoulder at her. River kneeled on the bed, frantically searching for her shirt.
"What do you mean, we can't do this anymore?" She snatched her t-shirt up. "What's wrong with me?"
His shoulders dropped, and he faced her. "There's nothing—"
"Then tell me the truth." She scrambled off the bed, yanking her shirt on to cover her naked body. "What's stopping you from loving me outside this bedroom?"
"It's not that simple." He raked his hands in his hair. "We shouldn't even be—"
"Stop." She fisted her hands. "You keep saying that. We shouldn't have sex. You shouldn't touch me. I shouldn't touch you. Who's making the rules? You act like you're married or have a girlfriend somewhere else, and I'm one of your secrets. O-Or it's embarrassing to be seen with me. Do you know how that makes me feel?"
"You know how I feel about you." He exhaled loudly, striding across the room to grab her wrists and pull her hands to his chest. "You're the most important person in my life. Don't I show you that when I'm with you?"
She swallowed hard. "You do...until you walk away from me, or you tell me we can't have sex again."
He'd come into the house almost weekly for the last three months. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they'd end up in bed together. She clung to those moments. When she was alone or working, she let herself imagine a future with him.
That's what people do when they love each other.
"The constant reminder that you don't want a relationship with me makes me feel like I should move into town and have my own life away from Gem Haven." Her throat seized. "Away from you."
His mouth tightened. She'd never threatened him before.
Ever since she was eleven, she'd begged him never to leave. Begged to live with him forever. The thought of losing him sent her into a panic attack.
But she needed to know why he couldn't love her the way she needed loved.
"You're not leaving."
"Give me a good reason to stay," she whispered.
He dipped his chin to his chest, closed his eyes, and inhaled through his nose. She pulled her hands out of his grasp. Maybe he was using her if he had to think of a reason.
She stepped away from him, shaking her head as the ache in her chest increased.
"River?" His gaze softened. "If I could love you—"
She waved her hands, stopping him from saying any more. She was tired of the excuses, the same reasons that made no sense to her. Most of all, she disappointed herself, because deep in her heart, no matter what Zane told her, she'd welcome him into her bed the next time he walked into the house.
If she only got a small part of him, she'd take it. She couldn't explain her obsession for him. But it was real.
"I can't lose you, too," she whispered.
"You won't lose me." He kissed her, proving his words.
She'd always trusted him. Since she was eleven years old, and he was a big, bad biker on the corner of the street. Something told her back then that Zane and Kingsley couldn't hurt her as badly as she was hurting after losing Kenna, and she'd listened to her gut to trust them.
He stepped away and walked out of the bedroom. On nights like tonight, she felt as if he'd always be coming and going in her life and never staying.