If I Were You

Chapter 12 Amy

Three hours ago

I should probably let Flynn play some music, but I don’t want to relent too soon – I can hold onto a grudge for days. He’s twitching like an over-excited Labrador, fiddling with the air con, now on his phone. A thought strikes me.

‘The bow tie finally arrived for Reggie.’

Flynn is in charge of one thing this weekend – walking Jay’s family dog, the Golden Retriever ring bearer, down the aisle. Another Patty idea. This weekend will be like stepping into an alternate reality.

Flynn chuckles. ‘I love that dog.’

‘Me too,’ I reply weakly.

I wish I felt the same, but the truth is I’m afraid of him. When we were little, we lived next door to an enormous Doberman. He’d go berserk and throw himself at the gate every time I walked past him to school. It’s made me scared of most dogs.

My mobile rings in the bag next to Flynn’s feet. Laura’s ‘We are Family’ ringtone is faint but I still almost swerve the car in panic. ‘Can you get that? Tell her we’re on track.’

Flynn’s scrolling on his phone. I imagine it’s a viral video of a duck doing something funny or a basketball shot backwards across the whole court.

‘Flynn,’ I repeat. ‘Can you get that? It’s Laura.’

He’s still tapping, no doubt clicking on the next video.

‘FLYNN!’

He starts a little, ‘Sure, sure.’ Rootling in the footwell for my handbag, he sends a packet of Jelly Babies flying as he scrabbles around for the phone. By the time he reaches it the mobile is silent. He eats one of the green Jelly Babies.

‘Can you phone her back?’ I ask, jaw clenched. Why is it that the last two weeks almost everything he’s done has set my teeth on edge? Since he asked to move in with me it’s like I’m spiralling with doubts, looking for all the reasons we don’t work. Flynn had pulled me out of a grey time, a pop of colour. But things I’d dismissed in the past, other tiny doubts I’ve had have blossomed into something more. Now I’m noticing more and more what’s wrong with us: not what’s right.

Laura rings again and before I ask him, Flynn has answered.

‘Hi Laura! Not far … no … oh, by the way the bow tie came, Amy just tol— No, not mine … yes, I’ve remembered mine! And my shoes, why would I forget my … never mind … I mean the one for Reggie! … No, she can’t … she’s driving … yep, all on track … yep, she remembered them … it’s chill … I’ll tell her … Juggle? Er … two balls maybe? OK … see you – oh,’ Flynn stares at his mobile. ‘I think she hung up.’

A lorry looms in my rear view as he says, ‘Why does your sister think I’d forget my shoes? She said she’ll meet you in the foyer at five p.m.’

Biting my lip, I stare at the clock. That’s just over two hours away.

‘Oh, and umbrellas! She’s worried it might rain tonight and she wants the umbrellas.’

The windscreen is already covered in flecks of rain so I think this is a certainty.

‘I’ve got them.’

‘I know you have, that’s what I told her. And Patty asked her to ask me if I can juggle.’

Are all weddings like this? I wonder. Flynn and I are nowhere close to getting married but I don’t think juggling would be part of it.

I glance across again at Flynn, now eating a yellow Jelly Baby. I try not to stare at his diamond socks. I think of what Dad used to say about golfers, scoffing at the price of membership, the stuffy rules.

‘What sport needs a dress code to play?’

Dad had a lot of opinions and I cling to them, to the small and big things he said. It’s the least I can do to keep him with me.

I’m with someone from a different world and now Laura is marrying into it. It makes my next words harder than I meant.

‘We need to help Laura make it perfect or she’ll have to answer to her future husband’s ridiculous family.’

Flynn frowns. ‘They’re not ridiculous. I went to school with Jay: he’s great.’

‘The wedding venue has actual flamingos, Flynn!’

‘They’re just normal human beings.’

‘But they’re not normal, are they? This wedding’s going to cost more than three years of my salary, for a start …’

‘That’s just money. They want to celebrate.’

‘Look you don’t understand because, well, you’re one of them.’

Flynn doesn’t say anything, just goes quiet.

I know I’m being mean. Fear of not fitting in isn’t helping. He shifts next to me and I wonder why I don’t apologize. A few weeks ago I would have apologized. What’s happened to me? As if the sky picks up on the mood in the car, the light dims. Despite the fact it shouldn’t be getting dark for hours, I have to turn my headlights on.

At least we’ve left Bristol now, the city disappearing behind us.

‘We might make it on time at this ra—’ I stop and squint into the distance. ‘What’s that up ahead?’

And I realize exactly what it is.