If I Were You

Chapter 48 Amy

This is completely insane. Why is Flynn doing this now? How can he not understand this is not the moment? And marriage? Two weeks ago he wanted to move in and I still haven’t agreed to that. This weekend has clouded my thoughts further. One moment I can see how great Flynn is, how hard he tries. Then I hear things that muddy everything I thought I knew about him.

I love being with Flynn, I do. But I sometimes feel that I don’t truly know him. He deflects every conversation I’ve ever started about the difficulties in his past.

I know his dad died when he was young, but he has only ever shared a handful of chocolate-box type memories with me – the Ferris wheel, another where he ruffled his hair after a rugby match which embarrassed him in front of a friend. He won’t introduce me to his mother – there’s always an excuse, but I know it’s because he thinks I’m not good enough, smart enough. And he was with Tanya for longer than me and I know nothing about that relationship.

I need to feel that the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with is able to share, to talk to me in a deeper way. What if we can only just have fun, laugh? This weekend has highlighted how little I know him.

I simply can’t understand how he would ever imagine this would be a good idea. Obviously we cannot do anything other than just get through tomorrow and then work out how to undo what’s happened to our bodies.

I get another stab of fear that this situation is permanent and swallow it down. I need to deal with this proposal first. Staring at him kneeling on the floorboards, my skirt pooled around him, looking hopeful, I’m reminded again that Flynn is not a bad guy. In the last two weeks I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, but it’s not true.

Opening my mouth to say something, to explain, I hear a noise from the entrance to the bandstand and glance up to see my sister’s horrified face, staring at what she thinks is me on one knee proposing to my boyfriend the night before her wedding. Behind her is Tanya pulling on Eddie’s arm, but I dismiss them quickly, only able to see the look on Laura’s face: disgust and betrayal.

I want to immediately explain things to my sister – not sure quite how that will go, but I can’t let her think this is what is happening. Before I can, however, Eddie has barged Laura out of the way and is stalking across the room in my direction. His mouth is set in a hard line and his whole body is tense. He stops in front of me. He is massive, everything is coiled.

‘What the hell,’ he starts.

‘Stop it, Eddie.’ Tanya is breathing heavily behind him, not looking at me.

Eddie holds an enormous palm up to her. ‘I’ve got this.’ Then he turns back to face me, our eyes on a level. ‘I didn’t think I’d need to say anything this weekend, but clearly after what you just pulled I do. You need to back off,’ he says, stressing each word.

‘I have,’ I say, my heart racing as Eddie moves into my space. My back bumps up against the pillar once more, petals tickling my skin as his raging face inches closer.

‘You hit her, deliberately,’ Eddie says slowly, spittle landing on my face as he enunciates every word.

‘No, honestly I didn’t,’ I protest.

‘I don’t think it was deliberate,’ Tanya tries to add.

‘We were all there.’ Eddie grabs the front of my shirt and my eyes widen. ‘She warned me about you this weekend, but I didn’t think Flynny would cause a problem, never has, too nice …’ he spits. As if nice is a crime.

‘Get off him,’ a voice says from behind Eddie.

It’s Flynn, standing in my green maxi dress, curly hair loose and wild, a dangerous glint in his eye.

Eddie doesn’t even look over his shoulder, a woman’s attempted intervention clearly water off his back.

I think he might punch me and I cringe and close my eyes in anticipation.

When I open them I realize Flynn has leapt on Eddie’s back, all five foot two of him, ruffled skirt hitched up, cry of ‘Get off him’ on repeat.

Eddie has started to shake off the tiny figure like he’s back in the scrum and Tanya and Laura are both openly staring at the scene as Eddie, Flynn on his back in my body, moves around the bandstand floor in some twisted dance.

‘Oh my god, Amy, get off him.’ Laura has moved behind and is pulling on Flynn’s bare leg, Tanya just gazing at me.

I’m totally at a loss for what to do, body still shaking from the shock of Eddie’s threats and completely confused as to why Tanya would think Flynn would present any kind of actual threat to her, that he would want to hurt her. That’s not him. Is it? What the hell happened between them?

Flynn has slipped down, arms around Eddie’s waist, Laura now pulling on both legs, making it look like the world’s most screwed up wheelbarrow race.

Should I intervene? This is absurd. I need to talk to Laura, but of course I look like I’m Flynn and my head is spinning watching this strange scene play out in front of me. I need to think. We should never have come. This has spiralled completely out of control.

‘Stop it,’ I say shakily. ‘Stop it,’ I repeat, running across the room.

I don’t see his fist before it’s too late, but I feel it crashing into my head.

‘Fuck,’ I howl, clutching my face as Eddie snatches his hand back, rubbing at his knuckles, Tanya shouting ‘What the …’ Flynn finally slipping from his waist, landing heavily on the floor, curls mussed up, chest heaving.

Laura has stepped forward now and has started shouting at Flynn, who is adjusting the green dress and looks like he’s planning to launch himself back on Eddie for punching me in the face.

‘I can’t believe you proposed to Flynn at my wedding.’

‘Eddie, oh my god, you hit him.’

‘Tanya, he hit you in the face. He could have killed you.’

‘I didn’t mean, I didn’t wa—’ I jabber, nursing my eye. ‘Fuck.’

‘Is this your way of getting at me? You just couldn’t make this weekend about me, could you?’ Laura is still focused entirely on Flynn, who is still in a messy heap on the floor. I hate him making me look so undignified but I’m in too much pain to say anything.

Everyone is yelling now; I’m staring at Flynn, Flynn is looking back at me. The puzzlement crosses his face. He’s the only one in the world who also understands what is happening, the disaster.

‘I didn’t.’

‘You proposed,’ Laura interjected, still furiously gazing at Flynn who had barely noticed her there, scrambling to his feet to check on me.

‘Are you alright?’

I flinch as he reaches up a hand to touch my face. ‘We need to get ice on that.’

I swipe him away, oblivious to the pain, just wanting to repair things with my sister. ‘It’s not like it looks, Laura.’

‘Eddie,’ Tanya looks almost in tears. ‘Let’s go back to the hotel.’

‘Laura, believe me.’

Laura turns. ‘Flynn,’ she says wearily, ‘seriously, leave it. This is nothing to do with you.’

I falter – what can I say? I want to tell her the truth but I don’t want to make things worse. Our predicament would overshadow everything.

Flynn seems to realize he needs to fix things with Laura for me. I beg him silently with my one eye, get this right, Flynn, please.

‘Laura – Flynn’s right, it’s not how it looks, I …’

‘So that’s just a pair of earrings, is it?’ Laura motions to the box in his hand.

He swallows, closing his fist over it. ‘Well, you see,’ he can’t help the panicked look in my direction, ‘I was trying to … I didn’t think …’

‘No, that’s exactly it, Amy, you didn’t think. I genuinely can’t believe you chose this moment to sneak down here and do it. I mean, this is literally where we will be dancing tomorrow night, celebrating my wedding to my husband, but of course you needed to make this about you and Flynn. Yesterday you were going to dump him, today you want to marry him. Anything to stay in the centre. You couldn’t give me one weekend …’

She takes a breath, tears in her eyes, and pushes past Flynn out of the bandstand and down across the lawn.