Chapter 73 Amy
The speeches go smoothly, the meal is delicious and I’m sat next to two great women, one a graphic designer missing her kitten, one a screenwriter who just got her first show green-lit. They were both so fun and kept exclaiming at how brilliant at listening I was and how no man normally ever asks them questions. Their enthusiasm made me marvel at how low the bar is for a good man. We just want one to show an interest, to listen, react, take us seriously.
Then the wedding party traipses through the grounds, past sparking braziers on the lawn, the smell of woodsmoke in the air, and towards the bandstand, lit up with fairy lights and lanterns for the dancing.
Laura looks stunning as she and Jay stand in the middle of the floor waiting to start their first dance together, hair swept up into a chignon, her back smooth above the low V-neck of her dress. I watch as she laughs up into his face. Jay can be serious, sometimes missing a joke by seconds, but they’ve always fitted together. She brings out his more playful side, but he can also be the good sense she needs, someone steady who listens and supports her. They move cautiously over the floor, Jay wooden, dancing lessons in evidence, as he attempts to show his new bride off to the world.
He looks relaxed and relieved as they meet for a kiss at the end, the audience in a ring around them, cheering the touching moment. Then suddenly the music shifts and his face contorts with alarm as Laura drags him to a chair that Kia has placed just behind him. The opening bars of ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ring out, so familiar after months of watching and practising it from a private link on YouTube. Delighted, he watches wide-eyed as Laura and her bridesmaids, Flynn included, begin their routine.
It is brilliant, chaotic, vaguely in time, over-the-top and has the room screeching and clapping, hollering names and watching as more people from the crowd pop up at different times to join in. Mum is one of the last in, joining the chorus with a confident shake of her hips. Skin glowing rainbow colours in the disco lights, she looks utterly electric, grinning and sending thumbs up to a proud-looking Geoffrey puffed up on the side. I can’t help it: feet tapping, I catch Laura’s eye and join in with a loud whoop just as Patty, uncertain but earnest, descends onto the space.
Stopping to stare, I can’t believe how perfectly in time she is, hips waggling, getting the lasso action absolutely spot on. Laura and Jay’s jaws drop to see her spinning past them, her timing exceptional, her enthusiasm knowing no bounds. Time to flash the briefest thumbs up at her son and his new bride. When it finishes and everyone is shouting congratulations and gripping their sides with laughter and stitches, she looks round, momentarily lost. Then Jay leaps up from his chair and folds her into the most enormous hug.
‘That was immense. How did she know?’ Laura yells at me, her face glowing, hair and dress still immaculate as she bowls her way over.
‘I have no idea,’ I gasp. Then I see Flynn grabbing Patty’s hand, his chiffon skirt bunched in his hands as he jives with her, and realize with a jolt it must have been his doing. Heart swelling, I wave as he passes and gives me a round thumb and finger before hitching up his blush-pink bridesmaid dress once more and heading back into the fray.
‘He’s pretty brilliant, you know, Amy,’ Laura voices what I’m thinking. ‘If he does ask again, you totally have my blessing.’
I nudge her in the ribs. ‘Stop trying to marry me off because you are.’
‘Breather?’ she suggests, and I nod.
She disappears down the steps of the pavilion and I go to follow her. Just then someone pulls on my arm.
‘Hey,’ Jay says.
‘Oh hey!’ I try to disguise my surprise with an added, ‘Hey, mate!’
Jay runs a hand over his shaved head. ‘Flynn, I’m sorry about this morning. I’ve been on edge with this wedding stuff, I know you’d never do anything like that. You’ve always been a straight shooter since school.’
‘Oh, well, thanks.’
‘And Mum told me Amy taught her the dance. That was so nice of her.’
‘I’ll tell her,’ I say, touched by the comment.
‘Yeah, probably better coming from you. Amy’s never liked me much.’
My face falls. ‘Oh, oh well, I suppose she might give that impression,’ I admit. I straighten. ‘It’s just she’s always been a bit intimidated by you, well, the idea of you and your family.’ I watch surprise cross Jay’s face.
‘She’s intimidated by me! Oh my god, I’m terrified of her!’
‘What?’
‘Are you kidding? Laura adores her, she is so forthright and to the point and well, she’s great. I want to know her better.’
My heart swells. I had no idea. ‘Thank you. Thank you, Jay,’ and I can’t stop myself reaching forward and hugging him. ‘You will.’
Jay freezes in my arms, before placing a hand on my back. ‘This is new,’ he mumbles.
‘Men should hug more!’ I say.
‘I guess so,’ he smiles as he gets pulled back onto the dancefloor.
I turn and leave, feeling a weight shift.
Laura is still waiting for me at the bottom of the steps. The breeze is a relief as I pull off my morning coat and fling it over the newel post on the stairs. The day is darkening, the sky ribboned with oranges and pinks as the sun sets over the hills beyond, turning them a ghostly blue. The hotel is up-lit, its fa?ade majestic from this angle.
‘Wow, Laura, this is something else,’ I say.
‘It’s not the Goat and Boots function room, our original choice, is it?’
‘Less spit and sawdust on the floor, but poorer for it, of course,’ I add, making her laugh.
She’s quieter then, both of us looking across the lake as the sun makes its last gasp.
‘If we’d done it with our own money, we would have crisps in a pub, and I know Dad and Mum did that and good for them but … I don’t mind being treated like this. Patty has money and wanted to spend it on her son … and I’m grateful to her.’
I take her hand. ‘I know, and you don’t need to justify yourself to me. I know I’ve been chippy about money and privilege, but I need to let that stuff go. You have.’
Shame fills me as I realize I’d always assumed Laura was too successful, too glossy to feel pain like me. That she had moved on.
‘You’re a lovely human being, Laura Smithington-Waller.’
Laura looks aghast as I use her new full name. ‘OK – Dad might have pissed himself at that.’
At that moment the four flamingos waddle past and this seems to make it even funnier.
We both start giggling and my heart swells, feeling closer to her than I have done since Dad died, grateful for this whole weekend and everything it has highlighted for me.
We fall into a peaceful silence. I know this is the moment I have to tell her the secret I have kept for the last five years. She has the right to know.
‘Laurs. That night. The night that he died. I … we fought … before he went on and …’
She looks aghast and for a panicked second I regret ever opening my mouth. This obsession with sharing truths and I choose now?
‘Mum told me he was on stage, Amy. He died in his favourite place.’
‘But he wouldn’t have died if I had sung with him, if I hadn’t shouted at him seconds before he went on …’
Laura pulls me round to face her, her face etched with concern, ‘Amy,’ she says firmly, ‘Dad would have died that night whatever happened. Have you really thought that all this time? That’s horrific.’
I swallow, throat closing with grief. ‘I really thought I’d caused it.’
‘Amy,’ Laura says, ‘seriously. You need to stop imagining everything pins on what you do. That’s too much.’
I nod dumbly.
‘He loved you. He loved both of us.’
‘He did.’
‘I miss him,’ she says, and I feel a lump in my throat as she says the words I’m thinking too, the gap in the day, the gap in our lives that will always be there.
I reach and take her hand, giving it a squeeze.
She looks around at the pavilion, the lake, back to the hotel, a strange expression clouding her face. ‘I worried, you know, that this place … that he’d hate it. Think it was over-indulgent: a place for toffs.’
‘He’d be wrong,’ I say, always struggling to not view my dad as anything other than perfect. Dad had loved us, but he had wanted us to stay with him, even if that meant having a smaller life. When he teased Laura about getting into her London uni there had been an edge: that she dared to leave, to do more.
‘All I know about Dad for sure is he loved us both whole-heartedly,’ I say firmly. ‘And it’s got actual flamingos!’
‘It’s so extra, isn’t it? I thought Patty was nuts, but you know what? Who doesn’t love a flamingo?’
I rest my head on her shoulder for a moment. ‘They mate for life, you know? It feels apt.’
Laura gives a small smile. ‘You don’t think he’d take the piss? Think this was all just a bit much?’
I don’t wave the question away. ‘I think he would say you deserved this, all of it, the very best. If he teased, it was his misguided way of telling you he’d miss you, but also admitting that maybe he too had wanted to fly …’ I think back to him appearing in that pub, the flash of pain on his face as he realized I wasn’t joining him on stage.
‘Thanks, Amy,’ Laura whispers, leaning her head onto my shoulder as I wrap an arm around her.
At that moment Flynn appears, practically falling down the stairs in his kitten heels, his braid half-falling out, hair grips flying, sweat beading at his hairline. Laura and I break apart.
‘Could you at least try to make me look vaguely ladylike, please,’ I say, unable to really sound cross as he joins us. I grab his hand, righting him. ‘And that was kind of you, to think of that,’ I say, gesturing to Patty, seen sweeping past with Geoffrey who gives a terrified glance down at us.
‘Oh, it was fun,’ he says with a shy smile. ‘I struggled to explain body popping to her, but she’d clearly put some practice in.’
‘Clearly,’ Laura says, and grabs his other hand so we’re all standing in a small circle. ‘Thank you. I think she’s really worried about losing him. The wedding has meant we’ve seen and heard SO much of her, but I should have realized she’s scared of the silence afterwards. I should have thought of including her – it was a very good thing.’
It’s Flynn’s turn to look embarrassed, his cheeks pinkening as he stands there staring at us both.
‘Am I breaking up a happy scene?’ Mum asks, sipping a glass of water and moving down towards us, one hand on Flynn’s shoulder.
‘Never,’ Laura says, letting go of Flynn’s hand and leaning in to give her a hug.
‘My gorgeous girl,’ Mum says. ‘My gorgeous girls,’ she corrects, pulling Flynn towards her too. He yelps and then relaxes into it with a grin. ‘I’m so pleased and relieved you’re both looking so happy, together too.’
I have the strange sensation of watching the trio that is me, Laura and Mum – our closeness, the pride and adoration she has in her eyes as she gazes at us. Mum, the central cog in our trio, who held us all together after Dad was gone, insisting we still live our lives. She’d done everything for us, uncomplaining even when Laura and I were at our most testing.
‘Are you alright, Mu— Trish? Need a breather? A rest?’
Laura gives me a puzzled look.
And I know I can’t put this off any more, I know Laura wouldn’t want to either. I need to know if we now need to be there for her. ‘And is everything OK? Anything you want to tell us, I mean, the girls?’
Flynn’s hand slips into mine and I am grateful that he’s with me.
‘Mum?’ Laura says. ‘What’s going on? Are you OK?’
Trish wrings her hands and stares at Flynn, who gives an encouraging nod.
‘You were telling me earlier,’ he whispers. ‘About a lump.’
Mine and Laura’s heads snap up.
Flynn swallows as he continues, ‘Have they found cancer?’
‘Cancer.’ Laura’s face drains at the word.
Cancer.My insides lurch.
Mum looks at me, Laura and Flynn, an appalled expression on her face, ‘Oh no, no.’ Her voice is so loud it makes the couple nearby glance over. ‘No … I’m healthy. I’m well. Oh, my loves, no.’
My rapid heart slows as I hear those words. She’s healthy, she’s alright. I can’t stop the wide smile splitting my face, the small laugh that hiccups out of me. ‘Oh, thank god …’
My relief is short-lived, however, as I remember what got us to this point, a secret she was carrying around. I’d heard her talking to Geoffrey.
‘So … what’s going on?’ Flynn says, clearly surprised. ‘Why would Am— why did you say earlier that I would miss you?’
Mum pleats her skirt, her eyes looking anywhere but at us. ‘The thing is, darlings, that I did have a health scare last year, and those tests changed things for me. They were an urgent wake-up call, forcing me to look at my life and really take stock.’ She looks up, her eyes trained on Laura. ‘Since your father died, I hadn’t dared leave the house, forcing Geoffrey to move in when I knew he wanted us to start again somewhere fresh. But I wasn’t ready and he respected that. And I wanted to be there for you both, be two parents for you.’ She reaches across and touches Flynn’s cheek.
‘You’ve been the best mum,’ I say, then, remembering what I look like, ‘to them, that is … the girls … I know Amy thinks it all the time.’
‘Thank you, love.’
‘So …’ Laura says, knowing there’s more.
Mum tilts her chin upwards, the lights from the bandstand illuminating her face and reflecting on her lime-green glasses, as vibrant as her personality. ‘Those tests made me want more from my life. I want to feel that I’ve had a great adventure, I want to explore and see different places and experience new opportunities.’ She looks around at this grand setting, her voice growing in confidence. ‘Geoffrey and I leave for Canada in just over a month – we’ve seen a house in a wonderful community in the mountains. It’s stunning. I know you’re both going to love it. And if we love it, I want to sell the house, we want to move there, to live …’
My eyebrows shoot upwards.
‘Canada!’
She nods. ‘Geoffrey has always wanted to go, and he’s travelled all over – every school holiday he was always off to a new country for weeks on end!’
A Canadian adventure. I’d always thought of Geoffrey as someone who might not own a passport. He didn’t seem the intrepid sort. How wrong I’d got him, too. Shame creeps over me; had I ever really asked him? He often stepped into the background at home, but I realize now that maybe that was to give Mum time with her girls, a generous act, not a sign he had nothing to say.
Mum’s waiting for our responses, the silence stretching on.
Before this weekend, maybe I would have instantly seen the negatives: Canada is a long way away, I wouldn’t see her all the time, FaceTime isn’t the same. Inhabiting Flynn’s body, thinking how he might react to news like this, allows me a momentary pause. My mum looks absurdly excited. She is clearly nervous about telling us, but I can see that frisson in the way she is standing. Maybe she’d felt life was small too, maybe she wanted to stretch her own wings.
‘Don’t hate me, darlings.’
‘I don’t hate you,’ Flynn says, watching my face, trying to gauge my reaction. I meet his eyes with the slightest nod and smile.
‘That’s amazing,’ I add.
I had convinced myself Mum was a homebody, that Geoffrey wasn’t adventurous, assuming things I didn’t know at all. I’d got people wrong, and this weekend had shown me I need to probe more, ask, really listen. I am always so quick to come to my own conclusions.
‘I’m so relieved it’s that,’ Laura exhales, grabbing Mum in a hug. ‘I mean, it’s nuts, obviously, and we can talk about the bear risks in Canada, but oh my god, Mum, you scared us.’
Mum looks stunned and then her shoulders drop about an inch and she smiles, putting her head in her hands, ‘Oh my goodness, I have been fretting about how you’d both react. I didn’t want you to think I was abandoning you, but with Laura marrying Jay and you and Flynn so happy, darling, I’d started to feel perhaps I could do this, that perhaps I don’t need to worry so much about you both.’
‘You don’t have to worry about us!’ Laura bursts out.
‘You don’t,’ I whisper, feeling my chest tighten.
‘You don’t,’ Flynn adds, wanting to join in.
Reggie sits up and howls and I can’t help reaching to stroke his fur, feeling comfort as he nuzzles into me.