10. Luka
10
LUKA
I was bored.
It was Friday night, and I had no idea what to do with myself.
This was my weekend off from work, but I had no one to hang out with. Dean and a group of our friends were at Elle’s family’s cottage for the weekend. I hadn’t been invited because Beth was going, and Elle didn’t want any drama.
“Holy shit.”
I jumped a mile at my sister’s loud exclamation and accidentally kicked the underside of my coffee table hard enough to knock my drink over.
I grabbed the fallen bottle and righted it, but not before a puddle of beer spilled out of it. “What the fuck, Jade?”
“Sorry.” She ducked into my kitchen and came back with a dish towel. “But this is totally your fault for not locking your door.” She tossed the towel at me and dropped onto the couch with a dramatic flop. “It’s like you want to get murdered or something.”
“Did I know you were coming over?” I asked, mopping up the mess on the table.
“No.” She grabbed my beer and drained half of what was left in a series of gulps.
“What the hell is going on with you?” I grabbed my bottle back as soon as she lowered it.
My sister was one of the most extra and dramatic people I knew, but this was over the top, even for her.
“I think Mom and Eddie are engaged.” She snatched the bottle out of my hand and chugged the rest.
I froze as my brain sort of screeched to a stop, like the mental equivalent of a record scratch. “What?” I asked when I finally found my voice.
“Now you understand why I needed this.” She wiggled the bottle at me. “Do you have anything stronger?”
I shook my head. “What do you mean Mom might be engaged?”
She put the bottle back on the table with a loud sigh. “I saw a ring.”
“A ring?” I asked stupidly.
She nodded and leaned against the back of the couch. “She asked me to get her e-reader off her dresser earlier, but when I grabbed it, I saw a ring in that little dish you made her.”
My heart dropped to my stomach. I knew the dish she was talking about. It was a clay ashtray I’d made at school when I was in the first grade. The thing was clunky and ugly, but she loved it and used to put her wedding rings in it when she took them off.
That dish had sat empty since our dad passed away eight years ago.
“What?” I scraped out.
“A diamond ring.” Jade chewed on her lip and twisted a hank of hair around her finger. “It has to be from Eddie, right?”
“Probably,” I said, still in shock. “I can’t see her buying herself a diamond ring. I mean, it’s possible, but that doesn’t sound like her. Have you seen her wear it?”
She shook her head.
I blew out a breath and tried to sort out the mess of emotions roiling through me.
“Do you think she’s afraid to tell us?”
I nodded. “Yeah. She’s probably trying to protect us.”
“I don’t know how I feel about this.” Jade shot me a helpless look.
“Me either,” I said. “I want to say it’s too soon, but I think she might have lied about when they got together.”
“What do you mean?”
I grabbed my empty beer bottle off the table and picked at the label, needing to keep my hands occupied. This had been bothering me for a while, but I never said anything to my sister because I didn’t want to stress her out with my theory, especially if it turned out I was wrong. Now seemed like a good time to tell her. “She said they started dating six months ago, but they met two years ago, right?”
Jade nodded.
“I think that’s when they actually started dating.” I scraped my nail against the paper label absently. “I don’t have any proof or anything, but I remember how she talked about him when they were becoming friends. How hard he tried to win us over back then, and how he was always around. I think they were dating, but she didn’t want to tell us until things got serious.”
Jade nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah. I always thought that was weird too. I guess they’re definitely serious if they’re engaged.” She pursed her lips. “I’m so conflicted. I want to be happy for her, but it feels like a betrayal, you know.”
I nodded.
“Like, I get why she’d lie to us if it’s true, but it still hurts. And Eddie’s great, but he’s not…”
She didn’t have to finish her sentence because I knew exactly what she meant.
Our dad had been gone for eight years, and he would have wanted Mom to move on and find someone who made her happy. But knowing that and accepting it were two different things.
Eddie was a good man. He adored our mother, and he treated her like a queen. I liked him, and it was nice to see Mom so happy after everything she’d been through, but I was having trouble wrapping my head around her being married to anyone but our dad.
Jade pulled her knees up and hugged them against her chest. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to pretend like I didn’t see what I saw. I can’t just ask her about it, but waiting for her to say something is going to drive me nuts.” She shot me a hopeful look. “Maybe you can talk to Eddie.”
“What?”
“You know, have a man-to-man chat where you ask him what his intentions are with Mom and get him to tell you. Or maybe it’ll make him ask for your permission or whatever.”
“Yeah, because that’ll go over so well when she hears about it,” I pointed out. “That kind of stuff doesn’t fly with her. And she’d know something was up because in what universe would I ever grill her boyfriend about his intentions with her.”
“True.” She chewed on her lip. “Thank god they’re going to visit his kids for the weekend. I need a few days to process everything before I see her again.”
“Did they already leave?” It was after ten, but Eddie’s kids lived in Seattle, so it was possible they hadn’t left yet.
She nodded. “Just before I came over.”
“Are you going out?” I finally had the mental wherewithal to take in her outfit and her perfectly done hair and makeup.
“Yeah. I’m meeting the girls at Prism soon.” She huffed out a laugh. “Thank fuck because I need a distraction after that.” She eyed my sweatpants and ratty tee. “What are you up to tonight? Meeting Dean and the guys?”
“Maybe,” I lied. “Still figuring that out.”
She didn’t need to know that my plans for the night were exactly what I’d been doing when she barged in—a whole lot of nothing.
“Isn’t it your weekend off?”
I nodded.
“Bet it feels pretty great to not have to work on a Saturday for once.”
I forced a smile. “Yeah, it’s a nice break.”
The truth was I would prefer to work than spend the weekend alone trying to find things to keep myself busy, especially now that I had this crap with our mom to deal with on top of everything else.
She leaned over and tilted my phone screen toward her to check the time. “I have to go. Danielle’s picking me up soon.”
“Here?”
She stood. “Yeah. You’re welcome to come out with us if things don’t work out with Dean and everyone.”
“I’ll think about it.” I stood too.
“And by think about it, you mean no.” She shot me a look.
I shrugged and walked her to the door. She waited while I put my shoes on so I could wait downstairs with her.
My head wasn’t any less messy when I was back in my apartment twenty minutes later.
I was in one of the weird moods I sometimes fell into where I wanted to be out and be around people, but at the same time, the thought of going out and being around people was about as appealing as sliding down a banister covered in razor blades.
I needed a distraction, but my options were limited. I could get drunk and block out the world for a night, or I could get high and hopefully trick myself into thinking everything was fine for a few hours. Both of those would be effective, but they wouldn’t be helpful in the long run.
On autopilot, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and unlocked it. I needed to talk to someone, and my first instinct was to text Zander.
But he’d just gotten off work an hour ago, and he had to go back to the shop in the morning. I shouldn’t bother him.
And I really shouldn’t talk to him when I was this messed up. It was bad enough I’d dumped all my friend drama on him; I didn’t need to add my family stuff. He’d listen because that’s who he was, and I didn’t want to be one more person who piled their crap on him.
I could always message Nice and see if he was around.
Dropping my hands in my lap, I let my head fall back against the couch with a dramatic sigh.
It was fucked up, but I wasn’t in the mood to sext. I wanted to talk with him, just shoot the shit for a while and pretend like my life wasn’t a giant dumpster fire, but that was dangerous.
A few weeks ago, I impulsively sent him a meme, then spent hours freaking out that I’d crossed some sort of line and wishing Kink had a delete messages option. Then he sent one back, and now we messaged each other at least once, if not more, a day.
We didn’t talk about anything serious, mostly just shared memes and funny stories, but I looked forward to his messages. And that was the problem.
I liked him, and not just as a sexting partner, or because he rocked my world and opened my eyes to a side of my sexuality I’d spent years repressing. I wasn’t sure I could call us friends, but I instinctively felt like he was someone I could trust, even if he was a stranger on the internet.
I should block him, or at least stop messaging him. I already had one guy in my life I wanted and couldn’t have. The last thing I needed was to add a second one.
“Fuck it,” I muttered and unlocked my phone.
The odds of him being online were low. I could message him without it being a big deal.
I opened the app and went right to my inbox. The little green dot under his name was lit up.
Ignoring the butterflies in my stomach, I went through my phone gallery to find a meme to send him. I settled on one of a kid holding on to a piece of playground equipment that looked a bit like a merry-go-round as it slowly spun and dragged him facedown along the ground.
Sinbin : current mood
He read the message a few seconds later, and the butterflies intensified.
MrNiceGuy : same
SinBin : what are you up to?
MrNiceGuy : not much. Just relaxing
MrNiceGuy : what about you?
SinBin : same. decompressing
SinBin : were you chatting with someone?
I bit my lip and stared at my phone. That sounded clingy.
MrNiceGuy : nope, just blocking all the random dicks in my inbox
Sinbin : I should do that. I have enough dick pics in my message requests to start my own page on pornhub
SinBin : I’m surprised you’re up. I thought you’d be asleep like most sane people are at this hour.
MrNiceGuy : it’s 10:30 on a Friday. How old do you think I am?
Sinbin : lol I literally forgot its Friday for a second there
Sinbin : Can you tell I’ve had a *day*
Sinbin : and time kind of loses meaning when you work irregular shifts. I don’t have Saturdays off so Friday is another worknight to me
MrNiceGuy : I hear you on that
Sinbin : you work weird hours too?
MrNiceGuy : yeah. mostly evening and weekends, so my concept of time is skewed too
SinBin : I used to be fast asleep at this time, even on Fridays when I had every weekend off
MrNiceGuy : why?
SinBin : I had to be up at 4 for one of my old jobs, so I was in bed at 9. On weekends I could last until maybe 11 before I’d crash
MrNiceGuy : 4 in the morning????
Sinbin : yup
MrNiceGuy : damn, that’s crazy. I don’t think I’ve ever been up that early in my life. Not on purpose
SinBin : you get used to it.
SinBin : My last job was better. I could sleep in until 6
MrNiceGuy : ugh, still too early. I’m not a morning person
SinBin : neither am I
Sinbin : but I can fake it
Sinbin : I feel like I fake most things tbh
MrNiceGuy : what do you mean?
Sinbin : do you ever feel like you’re just going through the motions? Like you put on a happy face and tell everyone you’re fine because that’s what they want to hear and not because you’re actually fine?
MrNiceGuy : constantly. I’ve noticed that most people don’t want a real answer when they ask how you are. They’re just being polite
Sinbin : I hate that. And I don’t get it. If I ask someone how they’re doing, I want to know the answer. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t ask. And how is it more polite to ask someone how they are and not care than it is to just not ask?
MrNiceGuy : I’ve never understood it either. etiquette is weird
Sinbin : so weird
Sinbin : and pointless
MrNiceGuy : very pointless, especially in today’s world
Sinbin : yeah
Sinbin : so, how are you doing?
MrNiceGuy : lmao I’m surviving
Sinbin : surviving? That doesn’t sound good
MrNiceGuy : it’s not great, but it tends to be my baseline so it’s not bad
Sinbin : surviving is your baseline? And here I thought I was the only one living like that
MrNiceGuy : how are you doing?
I bit my lip, my thumbs hovering over my keypad. I really didn’t want to dump my personal crap on him, but I’d just gone on a rant about people not caring about my answers when they ask how I am. It would be hypocritical of me to brush off his concern.
Sinbin : not great tbh
MrNiceGuy : no? are you okay?
Sinbin : yeah, mostly
Sinbin : Like *I’m* okay, but I just had something huge dumped on me and I’m having trouble processing it
MrNiceGuy : what happened?
MrNiceGuy : you don’t have to tell me but it might help to talk it out with someone who has no irl connections to you
Sinbin : I swear I didn’t message you because I wanted you to play therapist
MrNiceGuy : I know. I asked, remember?
Sinbin : yeah, it’s just hard for me to talk to people about personal stuff. I always feel like I’m a burden when I do. Like it’s not okay for me to need help and relying on people or leaning on them will only push them away
MrNiceGuy : I know the feeling
Sinbin : you have that problem too?
MrNiceGuy : yeah. I’m so used to people not caring and not wanting to listen when I talk that it’s hard for me to open up to people, especially face to face
Sinbin : are you close with your parents?
MrNiceGuy : it’s just my mom and me, and we’re not close
Sinbin : no brothers or sisters?
Sinbin : sorry, is this too personal?
MrNiceGuy : it’s fine. I’m an only child
Sinbin : I have a sister, and we’re super close with our mom. Our dad passed away eight years ago
MrNiceGuy : I’m sorry
MrNiceGuy : were you close with him?
Sinbin : very close. And it was unexpected. That was a rough time
Sinbin : you don’t have a dad in your life either?
I regretted the message the instant I pressed send. That was way too personal to ask. I was about to tell him he didn’t have to answer when another message popped up in the chat.
MrNiceGuy : no. He left when I was a baby
Sinbin : I’m sorry
MrNiceGuy : it is what it is. I’ve had my entire life to come to terms with it
Sinbin : did your mom ever remarry?
MrNiceGuy : no. she’s dated but never settled down with anyone. Is your mom with someone new?
Sinbin : yeah
Sinbin : and my sister just told me that she thinks they’re engaged
MrNiceGuy : she doesn’t know for sure?
Sinbin : no. mom didn’t say anything. my sister saw a diamond ring in this dish mom used to keep her wedding rings in. as far as we know she doesn’t own any diamond rings and she’s not the type to buy one for herself. We figured it has to be from her bf
MrNiceGuy : That would be my first thought too
MrNiceGuy : I imagine you’re feeling all sorts of things right now
Sinbin : sooooo many things
Sinbin : I’m hurt that she didn’t tell us, but at the same time I get why she didn’t. And I know dad would want her to move on and find someone who makes her happy, but it feels like I’m betraying his memory if I’m happy for her. But I’m also betraying it if I’m not happy because that’s what he would have wanted
MrNiceGuy : it sounds like you’re still in shock
Sinbin : I think I am. and I’m pretty sure she lied to us
MrNiceGuy : your mom?
Sinbin : yeah. She said she met her bf two years ago and they only started dating six months ago, but I think they’ve been together this whole time and she only told us when things got serious. I know she was just trying to protect us if that’s the case, but it hurts that she lied to us all this time, even if I get why she did
MrNiceGuy : would you have been okay if she’d told you about them right away?
Sinbin : I think so. I mean, it would have taken time to get used to it, but that’s no different than when she told us six months ago
Sinbin : it’s also making me wonder how many other boyfriends she had that we don’t know about. I moved out six years ago, the same time my sister went to college. Did she have other bfs or relationships that she never told us about? it’s not like we’d know if she did. And a part of me thinks she only told us about her bf because my sister had to move home after she got laid off, and she couldn’t hide it anymore. It’s sus that less than a week after she moved back mom tells us she’s dating this guy she insisted was ‘just a friend’ for a year and a half
MrNiceGuy : it sounds like you have a lot of unanswered questions
Sinbin : so many of them
SinBin : and no way to get answers
I started to type something but erased it. I did this a few times, waffling on whether I should cut the conversation short. I’d already dumped enough on him. I should stop talking.
MrNiceGuy : it looks like you have more you want to say
I wanted to facepalm myself. He could see that I was typing and erasing but not sending anything.
Sinbin : nah. I’m done whining
MrNiceGuy : talking about stuff that’s going on in your life isn’t whining. I understand if you’re at your peopleing max, but you don’t have to hold back if you have more on your mind
Sinbin : I’m worried about my sister
MrNiceGuy : how so?
Sinbin : she tends to act out when she’s hurting or confused about things, and she and mom are way closer than I am with mom, so I know this is really going to hit her hard. and living at home is going to make a thousand times worse
Sinbin : she doesn’t handle being alone well. She’s the type who needs to be around people and have a ton of friends and always be busy. When friends don’t fill the void, she turns to men
MrNiceGuy : and I’m assuming not good men
Sinbin : no. she’s an asshole magnet. she’s so desperate to have someone who makes her feel loved and wanted that she ignores warning signs and puts up with bullshit until they break her heart and leave her vulnerable to the next asshole who targets her
Sinbin : her last bf was her boss who ratted her out to the company after his wife found out about them and got her fired to save his own ass. she had no idea he was married. That’s the kind of asshole she ends up with
MrNiceGuy : She’s younger than you?
Sinbin : yeah by 2 years
MrNiceGuy : are you worried she’s going to do something tonight or in the near future that will put her in harms way?
Sinbin : not really. She’s out with her friends right now, and they’d never let her go home with some random or drink herself stupid. I’m more worried about the next asshole she meets and latches onto because she’s messed up about mom and not because she actually likes the guy
MrNiceGuy : it sounds like you have a lot on your plate
Sinbin : ngl it feels like I’m standing in front of a buffet table of crap and not just holding a plate
Sinbin : and now I have a mental image of a crap buffet in my head. Awesome
MrNiceGuy : lol now I do too
Sinbin : well that got super heavy and really gross. what’s your favorite color?
MrNiceGuy : favorite color?
Sinbin : yeah. Isn’t that how people do small talk? something’s telling me that laying all your problems on someone on a kink app isn’t how most people roll
MrNiceGuy : lol probably not
MrNiceGuy : but I’m not most people
Sinbin : I can tell
MrNiceGuy : my favorite color is yellow, what’s yours?
Sinbin : blue
MrNiceGuy : what does your name mean? I’ve wanted to ask but didn’t want to sound stupid if it’s something I should know
Sinbin : are you into hockey?
MrNiceGuy : that’s the sport where they wear knife shoes and hit a disk around with sticks, right?
Sinbin : lmao
Sinbin : so not a hockey fan
MrNiceGuy : not really. I know enough to watch it but hockey was never a big part of my life.
Sinbin : it was my whole life for a long time. I started playing when I was five and played all the way through school
Sinbin : the sin bin is the penalty box. that’s where I got my username
MrNiceGuy : did you spend a lot of time in there or something?
Sinbin : nope
I sent a grinning emoji.
Sinbin : but a lot of guys ended up in there because of me. I was really good at pissing guys off and making them act out so they’d get a penalty
MrNiceGuy : lol I’m not the least bit surprised
Sinbin : you’re not?
MrNiceGuy : no. I picked up that you’re a bit of a brat
My neck heated slightly. If anyone else had said that my defenses would have immediately gone up, but he wasn’t wrong.
Sinbin : maybe a little
MrNiceGuy : what kinds of things do you enjoy?
MrNiceGuy : that’s a question people ask when they’re doing the small talk thing, right? I’m the world’s biggest introvert so I have no idea how to do this either
That made me pause. Nice was an introvert? But he was so confident and commanding over the phone. It was weird to think that he might be shy and quiet in his real life.
Sinbin : I’m an introverted extrovert, at least that’s what one of the drs who prescribed me anxiety meds said. I like to be around people but when I hit my social battery limit, I hit it hard and I shut down
Sinbin : but you asked what I enjoy. Is it weird that I can’t think of anything lmao
MrNiceGuy : not weird. I put you on the spot
Sinbin : I love hockey, obviously, but I’m not really that into anything now. I used to like working out but haven’t been to the gym in ages. I really like to cook but I’ve been so stressed I’m barely eating, so I haven’t done that in forever either
Sinbin : I like cars, that’s pretty much the only thing I still enjoy
MrNiceGuy : you like cars? Like in general or to work on?
I started to type out that I was a mechanic but stopped myself. I was so comfortable with Nice I’d forgotten that we didn’t exchange those kinds of details.
Sinbin : both, but definitely like working on them
That was neutral enough. Lots of people who weren’t in the industry liked working on cars
Sinbin : what about you?
The way he’d asked made me wonder if this was a shared interest.
MrNiceGuy : definitely into working on them
Sinbin : really? Then brace yourself, because the only thing I like more than dumping all my problems on people I meet on the internet is talking cars
MrNiceGuy : lmao
He sent a GIF of a cheerleader saying “Bring it.”
MrNiceGuy : what’s your favorite car?
Sinbin : that’s a tough one, but I’d have to go with the ’67 impala
MrNiceGuy : nice choice. 2 door or 4?
SinBin : 2, and before you ask, it was my fav before I knew it was the car from Supernatural
MrNiceGuy : what’s supernatural?
SinBin : what??? are you serious?
MrNiceGuy : yeah. Why? Should I know what that is?
SinBin : it’s an old TV show about brothers who hunt monsters
MrNiceGuy : hunt monsters?
SinBin : yeah. It sounds cheesy, but it’s awesome. And the main actors are hot as fuck
MrNiceGuy : actually, now that you’ve said it, I think my ex made me watch a few episodes of it years ago
SinBin : did you like it?
MrNiceGuy : I think so? I can’t really remember
SinBin : what’s your fav car?
MrNiceGuy : 70 ‘cuda
SinBin : now that’s a sexy car
MrNiceGuy : yeah, and that Hemi engine *chef kiss*
SinBin : I love that rumble, like your car is purring
SinBin : I helped a buddy restore a 97 5 series. It was a salvage title. We rebuilt the engine, replaced most of the body and added light kits to it. Cherry-red paint and a white interior
MrNiceGuy : damn *that’s* a sexy car
SinBin : it was
Sinbin : one day I want to do my own rebuild
MrNiceGuy : yeah? Do you have a dream car?
SinBin : not really. And I’m way too poor to even think about that now
MrNiceGuy : what do you think of the 85 Camaro IROC-Z?
SinBin : is that a trick question? They’re the fucking bomb dot com
MrNiceGuy : lol I’ve got one in my garage right now
SinBin : no fucking way
MrNiceGuy : I got it at a police auction years ago. It was stripped to the bones, but I’ve been working on it when I have time
SinBin : I’m totally not jealous right now. Not at all
MrNiceGuy : lol
The time on my phone caught my attention. We’d already been talking for an hour? It felt like no time at all had passed.
SinBin : shit, is it already 11:30?
MrNiceGuy : time flies when you’re having fun
He added a smirking emoji, and I flushed warm for some stupid reason.
Sinbin : it really does
Sinbin : I’m guessing you have to be an adult tomorrow?
MrNiceGuy : unfortunately. I have to work in the morning
MrNiceGuy : what about you?
Sinbin: no adulting for me this weekend
MrNiceGuy: I’m totally not jealous right now
Sinbin: lol
MrNiceGuy: I should probably log off and get ready for tomorrow
Sinbin: sorry if I kept you up too late
MrNiceGuy: you didn’t, and it was my choice to keep talking with you, so it wouldn’t be your fault even if it was
Sinbin: you’re way too logical
MrNiceGuy: lol
Sinbin: I enjoyed talking to you tonight
I chewed on the corner of my lips. That was the most benign thing I could have said, but it still made me nervous, like I was crossing some sort of line. Which was kind of ridiculous, considering everything we’d talked about tonight.
MrNiceGuy: I enjoyed talking to you too
Sinbin: maybe we can do it again sometime? And maybe we can do the *other* type of talking again when I’m not a giant mess?
I cringed. We’d had an entire conversation that had nothing to do with sex or getting off. Why had I brought sexting up? He was probably getting whiplash from how chaotic I was tonight.
MrNiceGuy: I’d like that
MrNiceGuy : and remember, I don’t mind messy
MrNiceGuy : goodnight
Sinbin : goodnight
The green light under his name went out. I exited the app and put my phone on the couch as the past few days caught up with me and a wave of exhaustion hit like a ton of bricks.
Maybe it was a good thing I had the weekend off and no plans. I felt better after talking with Nice. Nothing had been solved, and I was still confused as fuck, but now I didn’t feel so alone.
Working with Zander tomorrow would have been a nice distraction, but I was still a mess and I had a feeling that my brain wasn’t going to let me chill for long. The last thing I needed was to have a breakdown at work or a panic attack.
With a weary sigh, I climbed to my feet. Might as well try to get some sleep before my second wind kicked in and I spent the night spiraling.