18. Zander
18
ZANDER
Luka and I settled into a routine over the next few weeks. It wasn’t easy, but we did our best to act like friends at work and not let anyone know about us.
So far it looked like we’d succeeded. That was probably because of our hours and being the only two on the floor most of the week. If we’d been on the day crew with Asa, Jesse, and Isaac, there was no way in hell they wouldn’t see it. Especially Asa. Nothing got by him.
Outside of work was different. We could kiss and touch and look at each other however we wanted, but only in private. With both of us being closeted, we needed to be careful, so we spent most of our time at my place. We worked on my car, did our weekly meal prep together, and Luka taught me about hockey.
I enjoyed watching games with him, mostly because of how into it he got. He yelled instructions to the players like they could hear him, and he cussed them out like a disappointed coach when they messed up. And hockey players were hot, so it wasn’t exactly a hardship to watch them.
We had fun together. I’d laughed more in the past month than I had in the past year, and he seemed to enjoy hanging out with me too.
Things between us were complicated. We worked together, and we’d only been seeing each other for a little less than a month. That really wasn’t a lot of time, but things were skewed because of our time talking on Kinksters. We’d shared a lot on that app, and not just orgasms. We’d talked, and we’d bonded.
That bond transferred seamlessly to our real lives, and now, after just over three weeks together, it felt like we’d been doing this for months. Like our relationship or situationship or whatever it was had started long before that night he showed up on my doorstep.
Sex with Luka was incredible, far beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He was so responsive, so trusting, and so damn eager he set my blood on fire every single time we were together. He let me push his boundaries, and at the same time, he wasn’t afraid to push back and test mine.
But the best part of being with Luka wasn’t having fun or fucking; it was the times when we just existed together.
Like when he’d snuggle up to me on the couch while we watched something, or how he liked doing FaceTime calls when we both had chores to do and we’d chat while we worked.
I’d spent so much of my life alone that solitude was comfortable, but Luka had changed that. I never realized just how lonely I was, how much I repressed my loneliness and convinced myself that was what I wanted because it was how it had always been.
I hadn’t been completely honest when I’d told him it was the cost of parts that kept me from doing more on the Camaro rebuild. They were expensive, but I lived a pretty frugal life, so I could have afforded them sooner; I just didn’t bother because working on the car alone was boring. It was like being at work, only in my garage.
Sharing my passion with someone who was just as passionate was amazing, but being able to share it with someone who meant so much to me was everything. And the times we spent in my garage together were some of my favorites.
It had taken some time, but Luka’s shyness had disappeared. He really was an extroverted introvert, and his chaotic energy was addictive.
He challenged me in ways I wasn’t used to, and having someone I could lean on at the end of a hard day was something I’d been missing for far too long.
Ivy and I might not have been spouses in the strictest sense, but even when things were at their worst between us, we still supported each other. We still made the conscious choice to talk things out and be there for each other, even when we were confused and hurt and trying to figure out who we were as individuals.
I’d missed that since our divorce. We were still best friends, but the emotional intimacy we shared for years was gone. She found it again with Mark, and now I had it with Luka.
That terrified me as much as it excited me.
Luka was quickly becoming my closest friend, and the more time I spent with him, the harder it was to deny that there was something real between us. Something that went beyond sexual compatibility and simply getting along.
I was falling for him, and I was going to be devastated if he decided this wasn’t worth it.
That I wasn’t worth it.
“Fuck me sideways,” Luka groaned from his workstation, staring at his phone like it had just assigned him math homework.
I nearly choked on the sip of water I’d just taken as memories of that afternoon invaded my senses. I’d fucked him on his side when he came over before work today. He’d been in his head about some stuff, so I blindfolded him and tied his wrist to my bed frame to help him relax.
It wasn’t the first time we’d played with restraints or blindfolds, but it was the first time we used them together, and we both came so hard it had taken us a good twenty minutes of recovery time before we were able to roll our asses out of my bed and get ready for our shift.
“That probably wasn’t the best choice of words.” Luka shot me a wicked grin. “Even if it was a fun time.”
“Brat.” I covertly adjusted myself. We were alone in the back of the shop, but I really didn’t need to be popping wood right then.
He winked, but I could tell something was off.
“Is everything okay?”
He sighed. “Yeah. Dean texted. Him and Elle got back together, and he invited me to go with them to a club.”
“Do you want to go?” I asked, trying to sound casual.
Luka hadn’t spent much time with his friends lately, and even though he pretended it was what he wanted, I could tell it bothered him. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding them because of the disconnect he’d been feeling or if it was because of whatever was going on between us.
Lying to people wasn’t easy, even if it was a lie of omission. It dragged you down, and it made it hard to engage with people you cared about without feeling like an asshole. Plus, there was always the fear that they’d somehow figure it out and you’d have to either tell them the truth or keep lying to them.
He'd also told me about how he wasn’t sure if his friends would be okay with his sexuality, and I knew that was weighing on him.
“No.” He raked a hand through his hair distractedly.
“Are you sure?” I asked, an ugly feeling curling in my gut.
It wasn’t jealousy, not really. I just didn’t like that Dean’s invitation was cutting into some of the only time we got to have together.
Our time before work today had been an anomaly. We usually didn’t see each other outside of work during the week, and we only spent an hour or so together on Friday nights and a few hours together on Saturday nights after we got off. Sundays were better, but between our family obligations and just dealing with life, we had limited time then too.
“Yeah.” He typed something out on his phone. “A club is the last place I want to be tonight.”
Bzzzz bzzzz bzzzz .
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked my notifications. “Awesome,” I muttered, unlocking my phone.
“Your mom?” he asked as he tucked his phone away.
“Yeah.” I opened our text thread.
Mom : Agatha told me that Emmaline broke up with Christopher, and she’s been asking about you. You should call her. Do you need her number?
Zander : I have it, but I won’t be calling her
Zander : Emmaline is a nice girl, and she’ll make someone very happy, but that person isn’t me
Her answer came before I could power down my screen.
Mom : why not? You haven’t dated anyone since Ivy. She’s moved on. Why can’t you?
Zander : I have moved on. I just haven’t found anyone I want to date
My stomach twisted as guilt churned in my gut. That was a lie. I’d found someone I wanted to date; I just couldn’t tell her that person was the man standing a dozen feet from me.
Zander : we can talk about this later. I’m at work right now
“That’s not a happy face. What did she want?” Luka asked.
“To play matchmaker.”
“Is this something I should worry about?” Luka asked with a teasing grin.
I snorted. “Hell no. She’s way too young for me, and she’s missing two key things I find very important in a partner.”
“Wisdom and maturity?” He lifted his water bottle to his lips.
“A cock and balls,” I deadpanned as he took a sip.
Luka snort-laughed so loud he sounded a bit like a chainsaw revving up and did an impressive spit take.
“Ow,” he complained, still laughing and holding his nose. “That hurt.”
Shooting him a quick grin, I powered down my screen and put my phone back in my pocket.
“So this is turning out to be a fun Saturday night.” Luka sighed and leaned back against his worktable.
“A blast.” I glanced at the clock on the wall. “At least we’ve only got an hour left.”
“Thank fuck for small favors.”
“You can say that again.”
“Jesus!” Luka exclaimed, jumping a mile as we both whirled toward the door to the breakroom.
“Sup.” Asa strode into the room in a blur of baggy black clothes and his signature platinum blond hair.
“Holy jump scares, Batman.” Luka rubbed his chest. “I swear you just took a year off my life. You’re as bad as my sister.”
“My bad.” He flashed Luka a grin that said he wasn’t sorry at all. “Is Dev in the office?”
I nodded.
He tossed us a peace sign and continued to the front of the store.
“Holy jump scares, Batman?” I asked.
He shrugged, a small smile on his lips. “My dad used to say that. Holy something, Batman. The ‘something’ changed depending on his mood.”
Luka had opened up more about his father the past few weeks, telling me about his childhood and their relationship. I liked that he trusted me enough to share these little insights into his life. It made me hopeful that maybe I meant as much to him as he meant to me.
He leaned against his worktable again and crossed his arms over his chest, the smile dropping off his face as he stared at the floor.
“Luka?”
He shook his head, like he was physically shaking himself free from his thoughts. “I’m fine.” He shot me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I was just thinking…”
I crossed the room and came to stand next to him. He shifted the slightest bit closer, leaving only a few inches between us. I pressed the side of my boot against his. It wasn’t much, but it was all I could do while we were here.
“What’s going on?” I asked softly.
He chewed on the corner of his lips. “I’m not sure. I just…”
“Are you worried about something?”
“No, but sort of?” He tapped his other foot against the floor in an erratic pattern.
“Are you feeling anxious?” I crossed my arms and leaned back until our elbows brushed.
He nodded and pressed his arm against mine.
“Take a breath,” I said softly.
He did.
“That’s good,” I murmured. “Now do that two more times for me.”
He obeyed, his posture relaxing slightly on his last exhale.
“That’s it. You’re doing so good,” I praised softly. “One more.”
He did, inhaling and exhaling in long draws.
“How do you feel now?”
“I don’t know.” He huffed out an embarrassed sound. “I can’t believe this is happening at work.”
“Did something trigger this?”
I’d seen this happen to Luka a few times in the past month, and as far as I could tell, there was nothing specific that triggered these episodes. They seemed to hit when he was under a lot of stress, and he’d been really stressed-out lately.
“I don’t know.” He shot me a helpless look. “I just started spiraling and thinking of all these worst-case scenarios and picturing all these horrible things happening.” He closed his eyes for a few beats and sucked in a harsh breath. “I don’t even remember what triggered it or what I was thinking about. It just hit out of nowhere. This hasn’t happened in forever. Not like this.”
“You’re okay, Luka.” Uncrossing my arms, I rested my hand on his thigh and stroked my thumb over the rough material of his coveralls.
It was a risky move, even with the table covering us, but Luka needed me. I’d deal with the consequences later.
“Just breathe, baby. I’m right here.”
He nodded and dropped his arms so he could cover my hand with his. Squeezing it tight, he bent his head and closed his eyes.
I held his hand as he breathed, stretching each inhale and exhale as he fought to regain control of his thoughts.
“That’s it,” I murmured. “You’re doing good. Just breathe for me. I’ve got you.”
He made a snuffling sound and gripped my hand tighter.
Fuck this.
Not giving a shit that we were at work and out in the open, I moved so I was in front of him. He lifted his eyes, meeting my gaze.
“We could get caught,” he whispered.
“Don’t worry about that.” I took one of his hands in mine and gripped his other wrist. “Just focus on me and my voice. Can you do that?”
He nodded.
Using my grip on his wrist, I lifted his hand and pressed his palm against my chest. Listening to my heartbeat and my breaths helped calm him when his anxiety spiked. I couldn’t exactly lay down with him here. Hopefully feeling me breathe would have the same effect.
He pushed his hand against my chest and immediately matched his breathing with mine.
“That’s it, baby,” I said softly. “You’re doing good.”
He swallowed and nodded, his eyes never leaving mine.
“You’re safe. I’ve got you.”
He nodded again and squeezed my hand so hard my fingers cracked.
Slowly, the panic in his eyes and the tension in his body eased, and I saw the moment he snapped out of it.
“Baby?” I asked, needing to be sure he was okay before I stepped away from him. “How do you feel?”
“Better.” His smile was shaky but genuine. “I think it’s over.”
Reluctantly, I let go of his hands and stepped back.
“One more hour,” he murmured and crossed his arms like he was warding off a chill.
“One more hour,” I repeated. “Do you need to go to the break room and sit down for a minute?”
He shook his head. “I need to be busy. Do something so I don’t keep thinking.”
I handed him his water bottle. He flipped open the cap to take a few long gulps.
“Isaac did the inventory on Friday. Which means the inventory hasn’t been done yet.”
Luka snickered. “Whose brilliant idea was that? Letting Isaac near the inventory?”
“Asa.” I couldn’t help grinning. “He bet Isaac that he couldn’t finish the inventory in an hour.”
Luka shook his head and laughed. “Of course he did.”
“Not my fault he was being annoying.”
“Jesus!” Luka startled at Asa’s voice. “You did that on purpose,” he accused.
Asa stopped next to Luka’s worktable. “Who, me?”
“Yeah, that innocent shit doesn’t work on me. You might look like a goth angel, but we know the truth,” Luka said pointedly.
Asa grinned. “A goth angel. I like that.”
When he was dressed down at work, Asa really did look like an angel with his platinum blond hair and cherubic features. He was the same height as Luka, but because he was slender, he looked much smaller and younger than twenty-two. Not even the dark nail polish he liked to wear could detract from the air of innocence around him.
Off the clock, he looked like a completely different person. He still had the platinum blond hair and cherubic features, but his many facial piercings and full sleeve of tattoos on one arm were less than angelic. Add in the chunky chain jewelry and subtle eye makeup he usually wore, and it really was like looking at a goth version of an angel.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
It wasn’t unusual for Asa to come by the shop when he wasn’t working. Usually it was to pick something up or because he needed to talk to Dev or Nate about something. But there were times when he’d come in and just hang out, like he was trying to avoid going somewhere. This felt like one of those times.
He shrugged and glanced at the door to the breakroom. “Okay enough.”
“Do you have anywhere to be?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“Someone has to fix the inventory that you let Isaac loose on,” I said, still getting the vibe that Asa wasn’t in a hurry to leave but was feeling awkward about just hanging out for no reason. “I was going to suggest Luka do it, but now I’m thinking you should help him since you created this mess.”
Hopefully giving them something to do together would help both of them. Luka needed to keep not just his hands busy, but also his mind, so he didn’t spiral again. And it seemed like Asa needed some company.
Luka and Asa didn’t spend a lot of time together outside of the few hours during the week when their shifts overlapped or when we all went out together, but they were a lot alike and brought out each other’s silly sides. Hopefully they could distract each other from their problems for a bit.
“You’re really putting me to work because Isaac fucked up?” He arched one eyebrow at me, but I could see the relief under his miffed expression.
“And whose fault is it that he fucked up?” I asked pointedly.
“You’re annoying.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Fine.” He rolled his eyes theatrically. “But only because I need to kill some time.” He flicked his gaze to Luka. “Coming?”
“I’ll be right there,” Luka said to him.
Asa glanced between us, then headed toward the supply closet.
“Thanks,” Luka said when Asa was out of sight. Glancing around, he slipped his hand into mine and gave it a quick squeeze. “Is it okay if I go to Dean’s after work to talk to him?”
“Yeah, of course. Is everything okay?”
“Hopefully.” He shot me a tight smile.
Before I could answer, he grabbed his water and hurried after Asa.
I tried not to worry about him as I went back to my workstation. His near panic attack had rattled me more than I wanted to admit, and I was grateful that I’d been here to help him through it.
I just hoped that whatever happened when he talked to Dean tonight didn’t send him down that spiral again.