19. Astrid
19
ASTRID
When Scarlett saw me, she enveloped me in a big hug. The kind of hug you only received from your mother. Full of warmth from summer sunshine and unconditional affection, it was love in its purest form.
I held on to her and enjoyed every second until it was taken from me.
Her eyes were as pure as diamonds. “You doing okay?”
I nodded. “I’m happy but miserable at the same time. It doesn’t switch back and forth. I feel them both simultaneously, all the time. I know that doesn’t make sense.”
“It makes sense to me.” She squeezed my hands then headed to the study.
Theo’s butler had tea sandwiches on a tray, along with a couple bottles of wine. I loved the food here, but I wasn’t hungry at the moment, my stomach bubbling with anxiety.
I sat on the couch, and she took the armchair. She didn’t reach for the food, but she poured two glasses of wine.
My heart felt heavy in anticipation of the interrogation.
Scarlett took a drink of her wine then put one of the sandwiches on a plate. She crossed her legs and took a bite, examining it with her taste buds.
“How’s Axel?”
“He’s good. He’s with the kids.”
I smiled. “He seems like a good father.”
“He is.” She said it with a smile in her eyes. “After I gave birth to each of them, he pretty much took care of them for a week while I recovered. He steps up without having to be asked. And I love the way he shows them love. He’ll be their favorite, but I’ve made my peace with it.”
“A father can never replace a mother. And a mother can never replace a father. They’ll love you both the same, just differently.”
“I hope so.” She finished the sandwich before she drank her wine. “How are things around here?”
“Peaceful. Quiet. Easy.” My body was bathed in the waters of luxury, but my mind had been left behind in that burning house. It was still hard to accept this new reality, that a man had risked his life to save mine. And not just any man, but a man with a heart even more beautiful than his face.
“And with Theo?”
I looked down at the wineglass that I hadn’t touched. “We haven’t talked much. He said he needed time.”
“Time for what?”
“To be ready to talk about what happened. He’s having a hard time with it.”
The glow in her eyes faded like the setting sun. “He’s such a sweetheart.”
“Yeah, he is.”
“He’s stone on the surface but soft earth on the inside,” she said. “Are you…in the same place you used to be?”
“In what way?”
“Do you still have feelings for him?”
A laugh almost burst from my chest. “More than feelings.” Anytime I looked at him, I was struck with a surge of longing that almost floored me. “I would give anything, and I mean anything, to go back and do things differently. I fell for him so fucking fast, and when he ended things…the bullet hit the bone. I wish I’d let it go. I should have let it go.”
“You made the best decision with the information you had at the time. You didn’t know Bolton was a liar.”
“But Theo warned me, and I didn’t listen.”
“It would be hard for anyone to believe their very own husband would be so disloyal. That they could lie better than they told the truth. You’re being hard on yourself. And Theo is being hard on himself too. It’ll take time for both of you to move past your own issues, but when you do, I think you should give this another chance.”
“I want another chance, but I’m not sure if Theo will give it to me.”
“He will,” she said. “He’s been a wreck since you left.”
Another round of guilt hit me.
“Your time together was so brief and constrained. Imagine how incredible it could be if you were given a real chance.”
I didn’t want to let myself entertain the idea. It made me too hopeful and excited. Like a kid about to get exactly what they wanted on Christmas morning. It was in close reach, but just too far to touch. “He always said that he wasn’t emotionally available. Now I know it’s because of Shayla.” Because he’d loved someone with all his heart and lost her. I didn’t want to compete with a ghost he revered. I would lose every time.
“He’s like a rock in the ocean tide. Give it enough time, and he’ll soften into sand.”
Over a week had come and gone.
Theo and I only spoke once. I spent the majority of my days in my bedroom, and I wasn’t sure where he was most of the time. There was no way for me to know whether he was home or not. The place was so big that I wouldn’t be able to hear his door open or close. He seemed to have an unpredictable schedule. Sometimes out all night and sometimes in bed right after dinner.
I ventured into other parts of the house, having my meals in the dining room as I looked out the window, seeing the beautiful view of the Duomo a couple blocks away. The food was great, and the solitude was exactly what I needed to find a sense of calm. To begin to accept that the past was gone and out of reach. A whole life was before me, and I hoped that life included Theo.
I sat at the dinner table and enjoyed my first course, a small salad with homemade champagne dressing, with wedges of grapefruit and avocado. A different glass of wine was brought to me with each course, so I never had to decide what kind of wine I should drink.
When the second course came, the butler put a plate in front of the seat across from me, a piece of steak with greens and long-grain rice.
My heart burst in excitement…and nervousness.
Theo walked in wearing just his sweatpants, the bandage on his shoulder gone, with a scar to replace it. It was a thin line, distinct because it was still slightly inflamed, despite the fact that it had healed.
He sat across from me and stared at me as his butler poured him a glass of red wine.
I was served a fillet of white fish with the same rice and greens.
His butler left us, and now it was just the two of us.
My nerves were bunched together in a knot. Adrenaline flowed in my blood even though I had no desire to run anywhere. There was something about him that put me on edge without making me feel afraid. His handsomeness and raw masculinity made me nervous…but a kind of nervous that was addictive.
He grabbed his glass, swirled it, and then took a drink.
I grabbed my fork again and slid it through the fish, which broke apart easily. In just one bite, I tasted all the flavors and deliciousness. I didn’t miss cooking at all. I used to think I enjoyed it, but now that someone else did it, I realized I’d just felt obligated and made the best of it. “How was your day?”
He cut into his steak and took a bite. “It was fine. Yours?”
“It was nice. I used your gym then sunbathed on the balcony. I hope that’s okay.” I’d never asked permission to use his gym. When I saw that he wasn’t in there, I just assumed it was fine.
“I said you’re welcome to explore the house.”
“I know, but the gym is yours.”
“You’re free to go wherever you wish. Even my bedroom if you want.”
A quick thrill shot down my body, the kind that burned my fingertips before they went numb. I wondered what he meant by that, if it was an invitation to be with him…or meant nothing at all.
He continued to eat like he didn’t think twice about what he said.
“So, have you been able to find him?”
His tone quickly turned hostile. “I don’t want to talk about him. If I have something to share, you’ll be the first to know.”
I immediately looked down at my fish as I sliced into another piece. “Alright.”
We ate our meal in silence, both of us wiping our plates clean without saying a word. I looked out the window just so I wouldn’t stare at him so hard. He’d shaved, so his hard jaw was naked, the strong bones in his face visible. Maybe it was because I’d been imprisoned in hell for so long, but I’d never seen anything more beautiful in my life than the man across from me. His dark hair, his dark eyes, those wide shoulders that were bigger than a doorway.
I’d been physical with Bolton but not by choice, so as far as I was concerned, I’d been celibate for months. I’d felt no desire or physical attraction, so when that fire went out, I assumed it had gone out for good. But the second I was in Theo’s proximity, I felt like a lioness who’d just gone into heat.
He drank his wine as he stared back at me.
I wondered what he was thinking. Did he find me attractive? Or did he see me as damaged goods? When I’d started to do my makeup again, I began to look like myself. And now, when I looked in the mirror, I actually recognized myself. The color was back in my face. The shrewdness in my eyes.
Did he see that too?
“I spoke to the owner of the gallery. You can have your job back, if you want it.”
“What?” I had been devastated when Bolton forced me to quit my job. It was the only thing in my life that was just mine. The only time of the day when I got to be alone, away from Bolton and anything that reminded me of him. I liked making my own money, and now that Bolton and I weren’t together anymore, I needed that income more than ever.
He didn’t repeat what he said.
“But he must have hired someone…”
“He did. But I offered them a job at one of my restaurants instead, so the position is available again. Your boss said he’d love for you to come back. Described you as irreplaceable.”
“Really?” It felt good to be needed, to have more value than being Bolton’s wife…and then prisoner. He never liked that I had my own goals and desires. Never liked that I continued to hold on to a bit of independence.
Theo nodded before he drank his wine again. “Do you accept?”
“I’d love to. But I don’t see how that’s possible. You know, with our situation.”
“He won’t bother you.”
“But he might know I’m there.”
“He’s welcome to try,” he said. “I’ve got snipers all over that place who will shoot him the second he steps out of the car. I’m not worried about it, Astrid. I’d rather you not worry about it either. You did your time. This is my problem now.”
My eyes immediately darted away because his words pulled at my heartstrings. Bolton used to take care of me, but now I saw it for what it really was. He never wanted to take care of me—he just wanted to control me. But Theo was exactly the opposite. He carried the burden that was too heavy for me to lift. He let me have whatever made me happy, like my job. “But it’s not your problem, Theo.”
“It is.”
“I don’t know how many times I have to say it. You aren’t responsible for any of this. He’s responsible for all of it. Everything happened because of his actions, not yours.” I hated watching this good man shoulder the crimes that he hadn’t committed. His heart was heavy from its weight in gold. His intentions were pure down to the bone.
“Whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t change anything. You’re still my problem.”
“Why?”
He stared at me across the table, relaxed in the chair with his fingers around the stem of his glass. He continued to wear that ruthless expression, the shield so thick that no amount of light could make it inside his dark vessel. That stagnant gaze was reserved for me, staring at me exactly the way he stared at the artwork in the gallery, like there wasn’t enough time in the world to absorb its meaning. “Because I care for you deeply, sweetheart.”
One of his guys drove me to work.
My key still worked because the owner had been too busy to change the locks. I turned off the alarm like I did every morning, made a coffee in the break room, and then sat behind my computer to answer the emails and see if there were any appointments for the day.
But I froze as I stared at the screen.
This place used to be an oasis for me, the only safe place I had, surrounded by artwork that some artists made in their darkest moments. It’d only been a week since I’d been freed, but I already felt like a completely different person.
I took a moment to smell the roses. At least, the roses in the paintings.
A couple clients came in because a few new pieces had arrived, pieces that commanded exorbitant prices because of their age and artists. Most of the time, the quickest client got the painting for the sticker price, but if it was a special piece, it turned into an auction. Sometimes, there would only be three bidders, but none of them wanted to lose the auction, so they threw bigger and bigger numbers onto the table. It wasn’t even about the painting most of the time, but their egos.
With pieces like these, that might happen today.
When I finished with my appointments, I realized the time, that I worked through lunch and didn’t notice until my stomach growled. My appetite had come alive in the last week, and I actually enjoyed food again. The clothes that the butler had brought me probably wouldn’t last long, not when I returned to my old eating patterns. Not that I cared, but I hoped he would donate the clothes rather than toss them.
I was just about to leave for lunch when the hottest hunk in the world walked inside. We were just a few weeks away from the first day of spring, so there was more sunshine than we’d had before, less rain. He was in just a t-shirt and jeans, but that was also what he wore in a downpour, so it wasn’t a big change there.
He had a bag of takeout with him, and he carried it toward my desk.
I was glued to my chair, a thrill down my back at the sight of him. The dark ink on his skin matched the color of his eyes. Matched the color of his hair. The man was fucking gorgeous, and there was no way he didn’t know that. Didn’t know that every woman who looked at him wanted to jump his goddamn bones.
He set the bag on my desk. “The guys said you haven’t eaten.”
It took me a second to speak, overwhelmed by the way he looked in the sunlight, like a vampire who’d finally come out of the darkness. “It’s been a busy day…had a couple appointments.”
“Can I join you?”
I always wanted him to join me. “Always.”
We walked to the gallery floor and sat in the armchairs, the same place where we’d had one of our most intense conversations. This beautiful man had asked me to be with him, and I’d chosen my husband.
A husband I wished were dead.
The lunch was two sandwiches from Pino’s. I was hungry a second ago, but whenever he was in the room with me, I was too nervous to feel anything else. All I could think about was the searing heat of his skin. The way his muscles felt against my palm. The way he smelled…like a forest after a light rain.
He held his sandwich in one hand and took a bite.
“Second lunch?” I teased.
A smile moved into his eyes as he chewed.
“This is my first breakfast.”
I took a bite of the turkey sandwich and felt my hunger return when I tasted the fresh bread and all the flavors inside. “Fuck, this is good.”
“Axel told me about this place. Scarlett goes there with her father.”
“If a chef goes there, then you know it’s pretty damn good.”
He took enormous bites of his sandwich, handling it with a single hand because he was the size of a tree trunk. He ate his food much quicker than I did, scarfing it down in a couple bites.
Just watching him eat was a turn-on. “How’s your shoulder?”
He wiped his mouth with a napkin, catching the spot of sauce that stained the corner of his mouth. “It’s fine.”
“Have you been able to move it normally?”
“I lifted today.”
“Isn’t that a little soon?”
“Time is a luxury I don’t have.”
“Not lifting for a couple weeks isn’t going to decrease your muscle size.”
“It will. Not significantly. But I can’t afford any loss. Muscle like this keeps me alive.”
“How so?”
“Bigger muscle means more distance between the tip of a dagger and its target. It’s more padding against a bullet. It stabilizes my bones so they don’t break under pressure. I’ve been in a couple accidents, and the other guys in the vehicle were significantly more hurt than I was. It’s about life and death to me.”
“And sex has nothing to do with it?” I asked incredulously.
He stared at me like he didn’t understand the question.
“Because you know…you’re super sexy.”
A subtle smirk moved over his lips. “That’s not the priority.”
I wrapped up the other half of my sandwich because I couldn’t finish it all. Might have it as a snack later in the day. “Thank you for lunch.”
He sat with his knees apart, his arms flat on the armrests, his size almost too big for the chair.
Just being in the same room with him, breathing the same air, gave me a thrill of excitement…and a haze of peace. It was invisible to the eye but heavy on the heart. I wanted more than the distance between us. I wanted to pull him so close his soul was inside mine. He was so close but always out of reach. I’d been hopeless until our conversation last night, but I knew he’d left the door open for me. “Theo?”
His eyes were already on me, so he continued to stare.
“I would give anything to have another chance with you.” I should take it slow, let the relationship happen on its own, but there had been times in the past when I didn’t tell him how I felt when I felt it. Those were moments I still regretted. “I don’t expect that to happen anytime soon. But I just want you to know how much I want you.” There was more, but I didn’t want to scare him off.
He had no reaction to that, his stare the same.
“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“You don’t.”
What I wouldn’t give to crawl into his lap that very moment. To feel those tree-trunk arms wrap around me and pull me close.
“But you’re right. I need time.”
Disappointment swept through me when I shouldn’t feel it. I should just be grateful that the door was open, that he didn’t outright reject me like he did in the office of his restaurant.
“I saw what you did.”
I tilted my head slightly, not understanding what he said. He provided no context, so I waited for more information.
“The smoke was thick and I only saw shadows, but I watched you knock that gun out of his hand. I probably would have a worse scar if it weren’t for you. Might even be dead.” He cocked his head as he examined me like an adversary rather than…whatever we were. “And I heard what you said to him.”
I’d rather die here than be with you. Yes, I remembered. I’d rather have suffocated in the smoke or felt the roof crush me into pieces. “I used to believe that love never died. It just grew or lessened in intensity. But I can honestly say I have no love for him whatsoever. If he died tomorrow, I wouldn’t be at his funeral.” I felt horrible for saying that. Maybe my feelings were justified. Maybe they were sociopathic. But that was how I felt.
Theo continued to stare at me like I might say something else.
But there was nothing more to the story. “I felt that way the first time he struck me. It was instant.” Like a gunshot. Some women rationalized it to deal with it, but I never did that. Hatred streamed from my heart quicker than bullets left barrels. I was ashamed to carry his last name on my license and passport. I was ashamed to call him my husband. Ashamed that he was my family, even if it was by marriage and not blood.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“I deserve it. I should have listened to you.” I should have seen the red flags flapping in the breeze. I should have seen the signs he’d laid out for me like a fucking puzzle to solve. I should have trusted Theo’s intuition.
His eyes narrowed slightly at the statement. “I never want to hear you say that again.”
“But I mean it. I wish I’d listened.”
“I broke your trust on two separate accounts. Technically, three. Stop the cruelty.”
“You even said?—”
“I spoke out of anger, and I’m ashamed I did so.” He didn’t raise his voice, but his anger turned sharp like a knifepoint. “You deserve the world, sweetheart. Nothing less and only more.”