It’s Giving Villain (Keeping Up With The Veterinarians #1)
The Producers’ Meeting
THE PRODUCERS' MEETING
Tucked behind a row of fake storefronts on a busy studio lot in Burbank, the executive producer and two supervising producers of Keeping Up With the Veterinarians are holding their final pre-production meeting before taping of the sixth season begins next week.
JACK
Okay, so that's the sponsorship with Speedo locked in. Nice work.
RIFF
(grinning proudly because he came up with the idea)
Talk about a win-win. The cast shows more skin, which the audience will eat up, and we generate revenue at the same time. I'm a genius, frankly.
JACK
(smiling)
I knew I hired you for a reason. Now, if there's nothing else…
EDDIE
(clears throat, which has nothing to do with being irritated at Riff's all-round sliminess and suck-upedness to Jack, their boss)
There is actually one more thing we need to discuss.
JACK
(smile fades)
Right. Yes, of course. Scooter Burns. His latest focus testing results have just come in, and they're the worst yet. We're talking Katy Perry numbers. Viewers are over him and his villainy.
EDDIE
But that's precisely what we asked him to do when we cast him.
JACK
Sure, but that was five years ago. It worked then. It doesn't now. Viewers are bored of him. And besides, now he's…
EDDIE
He's what?
JACK
(clears throat)
RIFF
(gasps)
JACK
I'm sorry, but it had to be said. Are you okay, Riff?
RIFF
(reaches for water, hands shaky)
I'll—I'll be fine. I just need a minute.
JACK
Of course. Take as much time as you need.
EDDIE
(molars grinding like a motherfucker)
Scooter is not old, and it is majorly fucked up for anyone to think otherwise. Have his favorability numbers been sliding? Yes. Which is why I've come up with a few storyline ideas to help boost his popularity.
JACK and RIFF exchange a look. EDDIE notices.
EDDIE
Why do I get the feeling you two aren't telling me something?
JACK
Riff came to me with an idea a little while ago.
EDDIE
(glares at Riff then addresses Jack)
Go on.
JACK
We're adding a sixth vet to the show this season.
EDDIE
What? But we start shooting next week. We've already shot promos with the current cast. They're midway through the pre-release press tour.
JACK
I know it's late notice, but it's fine. We can Photoshop Cabot in, and we'll do more interviews with him once the season starts airing.
EDDIE
Cabot? That's his name.
RIFF
Now, now, no need to be petty. Just because I found him, and my idea is brilliant, and—
EDDIE
Thirty-one! Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
RIFF
(covering ears)
Jack, make him stop!
JACK
That's enough, both of you. Look, just because KUWTV has been a huge hit for five seasons doesn't mean shit.
Success isn't guaranteed. New shows are coming out all the time.
Look at Heated Rivalry. We need that kind of buzz.
Adding Cabot Ledger as the new, hot, young villain and watching him duke it out with Scooter before Scooter leaves will be gold.
EDDIE
Two villains on one show? Are you crazy? That's never been done before. It's like…it's like making hot ice cream. Who would be crazy enough to do that?
RIFF
Actually, Tyra Banks has a range of hot ice cream called Hot Mama.
JACK
(ignoring Riff for once)
I'm not crazy, Eddie, and I'll also remind you I am the executive producer, which makes me your boss.
EDDIE
(sighing heavily)
That may be true, but you and I came up with this show together, remember? Is this what you want it to be? Putting qualified vets into Speedos and pitting them against each other? I know that a lot of what we do is fake, but at the end of the day, they're real people. Our audience deserves better.
JACK
At the end of the day, we need viewers or there is no show to speak of. I've made my decision. This will be the storyline of the season. May the best villain win.
EDDIE
(slumps in chair and mutters under his breath)
Even though you just admitted the winner has already been chosen. This is bullshit.