Ivy in Stills

Sixty-Eight—Ivy

I

was feeling very disconnected—free-floating, definitely untethered. I wasn’t sleeping, and I wasn’t eating much either, which was a bit of a benefit, I guess. I now hovered at my lowest weight since junior high, so that should have been a nice bonus in the midst of my unrest. But I didn’t care.

I just couldn’t land. Ever since last week when Bo had left, I could not find my footing.

If my mother were here, she would probably take my hands and say Talk to me, Ivy Lee, before you burst . Bree could read me. I didn’t always open up to her because the conversation invariably turned to Daniel. But at least she always knew when I was bothered. That was something. It would have been nice to talk to her, but the truth was she wouldn’t have been any help to me right now. No, where Bo was concerned, I was on my own.

I blew out a tired breath. Maybe he was right—it probably was too soon for us. But it was confusing, his assurances that he loved me—the medication-free assurance I had so yearned for—because when I tried to say it back to him, he shut me down. He’d said I needed to let the dust settle in my life before I decided I was in love with anyone. And then with the most earnest look in his eyes, he’d said, “Ivy, it’s easy to fall in love when everything else hurts. But it doesn’t make it real. Sometimes it’s just a distraction from the pain.”

That made some sense to me—there had been a lot of recent pain in my life. But I was still pretty sure my feelings were real. But what if they weren’t? What if I couldn’t trust myself? It was all very overwhelming, and it would have made for a good long conversation with… someone . Instead, I felt alone and very lost and like I was circling the drain.

But at least I was staying busy, and I was sweaty and bone-tired to prove it. My job this week had been to box up my mother’s shop. Her inventory would go on sale next month, her equipment, materials, and unfinished projects would go to auction the week after. It was a huge undertaking, but I was making good progress, and it felt good to work this hard. Gran showed up every day with the best intentions, but being in Mama’s world was very hard on her. So, she usually didn’t stay long, which was kind of fine with me: I was not great company, and without her here I didn’t have to pretend. Camille had apologized up and down for not being here to help, but she’d planned a surprise trip to Disney World for Scout’s fifth birthday. So, for now, it was just me and my ghosts—and some occasional tears.

I was in the back workroom, slapping a label on a box of frame parts when I heard the door chimes. There was a ‘Closed’ sign in the window, but I’d left the door unlocked for a potential renter who wanted to take a look at the space. I was a mess and didn’t want to meet with him, but Gran had not yet come in today, so I had no choice. I ran my hands through my hair and made my way up the hall.

The woman was very large and very well-dressed, and she was fingering a silk scarf when I walked through and startled her. “Sorry to keep you waiting,” I said taking in her palazzo pants, long tunic and diamonds. “I was in the back. Are you here to see the space?”

She turned and smiled. “No. But it is a lovely space. Is it for rent?”

Now I was confused. “Uh, yes. Sorry. I was expecting a gentleman, actually. He didn’t really have an appointment…But you’re obviously not him.” I shook my head, mad at my rambling, but did I know her? I cleared my throat. “Ummm, we’re actually not open right now… ”

“I see.” She cocked her head. “By any chance are you Ivy Talbot?”

“Uhhh, yes. I’m Ivy.”

Her smile widened and it made her beautiful. “Well, my goodness,” she said. “It is lovely to finally meet you. I’m Lullaby Sutton.”

My mouth dropped open; I did know her. From the portrait Mia had taken. “H…hi,” I said, dumbfounded. “It’s…it’s nice to meet you. What…What on earth are you doing here?”

“I’m so sorry to just pop in like this,” she said, stepping closer. Then she took both of my hands. “But I simply had to meet the girl my family cannot stop talking about.”

“What? I don’t…”

She kept smiling. “I feel like I know you, Ivy. And from three perspectives, I bet I do.”

I blushed, a little alarmed to learn I’d been such a topic of discussion. I didn’t know what to say, so I pulled one hand free and ran it over my face. “I’m sorry I’m so messy, I’ve been cleaning my mama’s studio. I must look a fright.”

In a distinctly maternal gesture, Lullaby Sutton squeezed the hand she still held. “You are absolutely lovely, my dear. And one never apologizes for being lovely ,” she arched a brow to drill her point.

“Oh, goodness. That’s such a nice thing to say when I haven’t even showered today. Thank you.”

She laughed and let go. “You are as cute as my Mia said you were.”

I chuckled, embarrassed. “I love Mia,” I said. “I love all the Suttons.”

“Well, the feeling is completely mutual,” she smiled. “And you need to know that there is not much I would not do for Mia—which is why I’m here. She asked me to check on you on my way home.”

I swallowed. “Really? Why? I mean why do I need checking on? ”

The big woman contemplated me. “My niece told me about your mother. I am so sorry.”

“Oh, thank you. It was very sudden.”

“That’s what Mia said.” For a moment she studied me with such soft regard that it almost brought tears to my eyes. Then she glanced around the room. “So, this is her shop?”

“It is. I was just boxing up some of her things. My grandmother needs to rent the space, so we’re trying to get it cleared out.”

Lullaby nodded, still perusing. “I absolutely love her sense of style. She was obviously very talented.”

“I think so, too,” I said.

“Would it be terrible to ask…” Lullaby ventured. “Could you show me around? I’ve always been fascinated by artists.”

“Sure,” I said.

And for the next half hour I introduced Lullaby Sutton to my mama’s world. I think she fingered every little thing Mama had on display, and she talked non-stop about… everything . She especially loved Bree’s studio. It was kind of a warzone of boxes and equipment back there, but Lullaby Sutton didn’t seem to mind at all. She even begged me to show her how I made paper. So, I did. She asked a lot of questions and seemed genuinely interested, which I sort of ate up. Mia’s aunt was a lot like Mia: open-hearted, confident, kind, with that uncanny ability to make you feel interesting and worthy of her time. We laughed a lot, and she told me about her honeymoon, which she didn’t want to be over.

“I’m trying to talk that little man of mine into taking a cruise before we go home,” she said. “He’s never been on one.”

“How’s it going?” I asked.

“I think I’ve just about convinced him,” she told me. “But I have had to promise him some rather unspeakable things, if you know what I mean.” She winked, and I barked out a laugh. I liked Lullaby Sutton very much.

When we’d seen every inch of Mama’s shop, Lullaby thanked me profusely. “You are just delightful,” she told me. “I’m so glad that my family has gotten to know you. You’ve grown quite important to them.”

Her words made me choke up a little. “Thank you,” I said. “They’ve become very important to me, too. And thank you so much for letting me stay in your pool house. I think it saved my life.”

She smiled. “Could we talk, Ivy? I know you’re busy, and I’ve already taken up too much of your time. But could you spare me a few more minutes?”

“Of course,” I locked the front door, then I said, “Why don’t we talk upstairs in my living room? I think I have some sweet tea in the fridge.”

“Oh, that would be lovely.”

Upstairs, I poured Mia’s aunt a tall glass of Geneva’s brew—she’d brought me a thermos yesterday, worried that I was getting dehydrated. I poured one for myself, then I joined Lullaby on the lumpy sofa. She was laughing.

“I think this couch is making a pass at me,” she said. “And I like it.”

I laughed too and handed her the tea. “I know. Mama restuffed it about ten times, but it was never right. I’m gonna miss it, though.”

“Where will you go, sweetheart?” Lullaby asked.

I looked around. “I wish I could stay here. But this apartment is part of the rental agreement.”

“So…Isle of Hope?” she said.

“Probably. For a while anyway. Do you know it?”

“I do now,” she said. “I spent the morning with your charming grandmother—a decidedly unexpected blessing.” She smiled. “Camille sent me the address—and, of course, you weren’t there, so I had the most delightful visit with Geneva. I liked her immediately. But I knew I would, from everything Camille has told me. I believe—speaking of saving lives—that your grandmother has saved my sweet niece. ”

“You might be right. Gran has a gift. But I’m so sorry Camille’s at Disney World.”

Lullaby shook her head. “Don’t be. I didn’t really come here to see her. I came to see you, Ivy.” Lullaby set down her glass. “I understand that you’ve had quite a year.”

I pushed out a weary sigh. “That’s true, I…I have. My grandmother calls it my year of ashes. It’s supposed to be a refining process. Jury’s still out on that.”

“Year of ashes. I like that,” she said. “I’ve had a few of those, I think.”

“Really?”

“Oh, of course. You don’t live as long as I have and not know some pain and humiliation. So, yes. Really. But I had lots of support, so that helped.”

I shrugged. “I have my grandmother.”

Mia’s aunt studied me for a moment. “And you’re so very lucky to have her. Especially at a time like this. You must miss your mother terribly.”

“I do miss her.”

“What about your father?”

“Um… We’re not close.”

She smiled with sad eyes. “I know your dad. I’m not surprised, Ivy. And I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” I said, suddenly remembering that she knew Daniel. “It just is what it is, I guess. Do you know his family?”

“I’ve met his wife…Her dad is the Willis in Willis, Proctor and Holmes. And I’ve met Daniel’s daughter.”

I sucked in my bottom lip and fought the sting of tears. “She’s pretty,” I said. “Did you know she’s my age?”

Lullaby nodded. “She looks about your age.”

We were quiet then, for a moment, sipping and avoiding eye contact. “I’d been kinda’ fighting with my mama,” I finally offered, looking into my tea. “Just before her accident—a few days before. It was over Daniel, and I…I wasn’t really... We weren’t really sp eaking. And when I heard what happened, I went to tell my dad—I didn’t know what else to do—and…and that’s when I met her. His other daughter…” I shrugged, my eyes filling.

“I’m so sorry, Ivy. Mia told me about your parents, about your situation,” Lullaby said. “Then Bo did. And then Camille did.”

I looked up at her, not sure how to feel about being on the tip of so many tongues. “Kind of pathetic, isn’t it?”

“Ivy…I’m just going to say this: Honey, it’s okay to be upset about other people’s choices—even if they’re the people you love. Especially when those choices impact your life.”

I sniffed. “But I hate being upset. It gives me such a headache.”

Lullaby chuckled, then reached over and patted my hand.

“It just seems to go from bad to worse, my situation ,” I said.

The woman smiled warmly. “Are we still talking about your parents? Or…it was a wedding that didn’t work out, right?”

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. “There’s just nothing quite like your honey knocking up his ex and her showing up at your wedding to tell the world.” I shook my head, feeling once again small and tired. “I was so mortified that I swore I was never coming back here. And if Mama hadn’t…”

Lullaby reached over and lifted my chin. “I know. I wanted to hide, too. I was mortally wounded by a man I thought I loved, and who I thought was supposed to love me back. I got hurt and tired and ashamed and angry, and I swam in that swill for a long, long time. Which, translated, means I wasted a lot of time trying to find out where I fit. And the truth was, I didn’t fit there anymore.”

“That is exactly how it’s been for me.”

“Then you know. You have no choice but to hurt for a while—but not let it destroy you. That’s what I figured out about myself.”

I thought about this profundity for a long moment. “Fitting someplace new…I almost can’t imagine it. And now…now I just don’t know if I can even trust myself.”

“Because of this young man? ”

“Because of him, and because of Bree—my mama. Because of my dad.” I sighed. “Tim’s gone—married and happy most days, according to him. My mother’s…gone. My dad…was never…” I swallowed. “I think I’ve trusted all the wrong people my whole life, and now I’m afraid I just don’t know how to do it. And when I think I can trust myself, someone else says I can’t.” I did not tell Mia’s aunt that the someone else was Bo.

Lullaby nodded. “My first husband turned out to be a horrible man. He was never physical, but he was very, very cruel. One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and I could not see a shred of the girl I’d been before I met him. He had all the power. I’d given it to him—I didn’t even trust myself with my own opinion—so…I get that, Ivy.”

“What did you do?”

“Well, it took me a while to figure out that I was the only one who could save me. So, I did.” She looked hard at me. “One day I just walked away—from him, of course, but also from the me that I’d been with him. And it took some time, but I finally found myself again.

I stared at her, drinking in her wisdom. “I think I’ve believed lies and liars my whole life. And I don’t understand how I can be that stupid.”

“Oh, Ivy, sometimes stupid is stupid. But sometimes it’s just us doing our best to survive other people’s stupid. It sounds like you chose someone unworthy of you—you’ll never do that again.”

“No, I will not,” I said.

“You’re a survivor. You’ve survived your parents—which is huge. You’ll survive this. You will move past your wedding. None of that makes you stupid. I think that makes you rather extraordinary.”

“I don’t feel extraordinary.”

“Oh, my dear girl, if you ask me, you deserve a medal.”

I didn’t want to cry, so I dropped my gaze. “Why are you saying these things to me, Ms. Sutton? Why do you care what I’m going through? ”

She took a deep breath. “Well, according to your grandmother, it’s because the Universe placed me in your path. But, I actually prefer to think it’s because we’re kindred spirits. And with every conversation I’ve had with Mia and Camille…and especially Bo, that has been confirmed.”

“Bo?”

“He loves you, you know. And that is a wonderful thing because we are never truly alive until we love. It’s life-changing, and I’ve always known it would take a remarkable woman to inspire such a phenom in my strange but precious nephew.” Lullaby smiled. “Bo’s very interesting,” she said. “A bit tortured, as you know. Eccentric. Exhausting. Some would say mentally ill. But he certainly recognizes goodness and beauty.”

“He’s so good,” I said, softly. “I’ve never met anyone as real as he is. I’ve decided—kinda’ late in the game, I know—that I don’t really care for people who pretend. And I don’t think Bo even knows how.” I swallowed back a threat of new tears. “But you don’t have to sell me on Bo, Ms. Sutton. He sort of sells himself.”

She looked suddenly sad. “Oh, sweet girl, I’m not here to sell you on Bo. I’m here to sell you on you regardless of Bo.”

“What?”

“Ivy, sweetheart, it strikes me that you’ve been pushed down a lot. But you keep getting back up. That makes you strong and very capable of creating exactly what you want. I’m only here to tell you that you’re worthy of it. So, whatever you want; go get it!”

I stared at Lullaby Sutton, feeling very intervened upon, in a good way. “I don’t know what to say,” I finally managed.

“I do tend to have that effect on people,” she chuckled. “My apologies, if I’ve crossed a line.”

“Absolutely not—apparently the Universe knew I needed a talking-to. I don’t know how to thank you for taking the time.”

“Well, if you ever want to, please call me. Anytime. Any. Time .”

“Really? ”

She nodded. “Really. You know I don’t have any children—I’ve been blessed with a few wonderful men in my life, but no children of my own. And suddenly, sadly, you don’t have a mother. I think we should be friends.”

My lip quivered, and then I was crying. I felt so raw in this woman’s presence and so inexplicably safe with her at the same time. “I’d like that,” I wept. “I’d really like that.”

“Then, why these tears?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t understand what’s happening to me.”

She smiled. “Life does like to dangle us from high branches.”

“It does,” I sniffed.

“You are stronger than you think, Ivy. And you can take that to the bank because I am an excellent judge of character.”

“Thank you, Ms. Sutton.”

She laughed. “Technically, I am now Mrs. Matisse La Quint. Isn’t that lovely? And the man is even better than the name. Oh, my, my, my, my how I love my little Frenchman!” She narrowed her eyes at me. “Despite your unfortunate wedding, don’t be afraid to love, Ivy. It keeps us alive and smiling.”

I chuckled through my tears struck by her big, bold, unquestionable sincerity. “I love Bo,” I blurted. “I’m sure I do. He says I can’t know that in the middle of my messy life, and I almost believed him. But he’s wrong. I love him. I do.”

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to convince me.”

“But he left here absolutely positive I wasn’t capable of those feelings. How do I fix that?”

Lullaby shrugged. “Well, I guess first you need to be sure that’s what you really want—it’s Bo, and loving him comes with some stuff,” she said pointedly.

I nodded. “I know.”

“But if he’s what you want…Then go get him, Ivy.”

I looked at her. “How do I do that?”

“I don’t know,” she chuckled. “But I’m pretty sure you can’t do it from Georgia.”