Chapter 11
Jackie
I still hadn’t fully processed what transpired this morning as I pulled across the boundary that separated our tribal land from another nation’s land. The whole drive up, I’d been on autopilot, and as I got back to the familiar, I tried to push the warring emotions down.
Part of me was pissed at his accusation and dismissal of me. Another part was understanding of his worry for his Nana. I was the same way with Granny. Part of me wanted to hit him with my car, and another part wanted to forgive him without any fuss. But that was the weak me who had allowed men to walk over me for most of my life, and I’d told that me to fuck off.
My ex had done a number on my self-esteem, and Jagger dismissing me like I was nothing, like the moment we’d shared last night in the field while the universe blessed our union meant nothing, pissed me off. I knew I wasn’t the reason for his anger, but his ease in turning it on me and making me feel like I meant nothing hurt deeper than it should. I don’t know why someone I’d only been seeing, for lack of a better word, for a week had the ability to cut me deeper than the man I’d professed my love for all those years ago.
I was tired of the back and forth in my head, so on impulse, I turned down the road leading to Granny’s house. She was usually home this time of day, and just seeing her always made me feel better. Turing into her driveway, I parked my car and quickly turned off the engine before getting out. Her small figure stepped out of the front door with her hand over her eyes to block the sun, and when she saw me, she smiled.
“Hello, sweetheart. I wasn’t expecting to see you today,” she remarked as I climbed the couple steps to her front porch.
Kissing her on the cheek, I forced a smile and replied, “I was on my way home from Rapid City and wanted to see how you’re doing.”
We walked inside, and I closed and locked the door behind us before following her into the kitchen. A pot of coffee was steaming on the counter, and Granny walked over and pulled a second cup down and filled them both. “Grab whatever you want in yours. I’m in the mood for caramel.”
Walking to the fridge, I grabbed the caramel creamer for her and some holiday stuff she had left from Christmas. Over the last few years, she’d gotten into all kinds of different flavors of coffee, creamer, blends, and brews, and honestly, it made me chuckle. There wasn’t anything resembling a big coffee chain on the reservation, but there were a few small ones with a good selection. Cheyenne and I had taken her to the grand opening of one a few years ago, and her obsession was born.
After topping our cups and returning the creamer to the fridge, I grabbed both cups and followed her to the small table near the window, where most of our important conversations happened. Placing her cup in front of her usual seat, I took my seat across from her and took a swallow of the delicious coffee.
“Mmm. What’s this one?” I asked as I placed my cup down.
“Something from Hawaii your father got me for Christmas. I like it, but it’s kind of plain, if you ask me.”
I wanted to laugh, but she was serious as she took a swallow and made an interesting face as she placed the cup down and turned her attention to me. “Tell me what he did.”
“What who did?” I asked, curious how she always seemed to know when something was going on.
I often wondered if she had some great connection to our ancestors, or if she was psychic. Pondering the implications of that possibility, I should have been surprised but wasn’t when she explained, “Your cousin called, worried that you’d left without telling anyone. She may have mentioned your young man was, in her words, an ass to you this morning. So, I’ll ask again. What did he do?”
I knew Cheyenne would be worried, but I never expected her to rat me out to Granny. I didn’t want the embarrassment of anyone knowing how he’d claimed me and threw me away in the same week. The burning in my eyes and nose grew as I looked up at the ceiling, trying to keep my emotions in check. Suddenly, I realized I wasn’t as pissed as I was hurt, and that pissed me off more.
Bringing my gaze back to Granny, I let the tears well in my eyes as I explained without going into too much detail. “Last night was the first night since we started talking that we had any . . . alone time.” I tried to divert my eyes, not wanting to talk about sex with Granny, but she wasn’t having it.
“Did he suck in bed?” she asked as I took a swallow of coffee. Nearly choking, I spit it out in a cough and reached for a napkin to clean it up as I fought to catch my breath. “Seriously, you and Cheyenne need to stop being such prudes. Everyone has sex, and if he sucked at it, he doesn’t deserve your tears.”
“Granny,” I began, “it’s not like that.”
“Then what? Because it’s not like you to take off without telling your cousin where you’re going, and it’s been a while since you just dropped by without calling, not that I mind. But I can’t give you advice if you don’t tell me what happened.”
“Last night, we left the bar on the ranch,” I explained, and she nodded, knowing about the clubhouse. “And on the way back across the ranch, I knew we were meant . . . meant to be outside under the stars.” That’s as much as I was going to say about the location or actions, and I hoped she understood.
“You felt the universe calling you to become one with your mate. I’ve been there,” she added, and I tried not to let my eyes grow wide at her admission.
Granny had always been a free spirit, but lately, she was more open about things of a personal nature, and while it was great learning what her life had been like and the things she’d experienced, hearing about her having sex was a little too much to stomach.
“It was . . . I can’t even find the words to describe the feeling of our souls becoming one under the sea of stars shining down on us. But this morning . . .” I began, and over the next few minutes, I told her what he said and about his accusations against me while she sat silently and listened.
When I was done, she reached over and handed me a tissue to wipe the one errant tear that had escaped while I exposed my broken heart to her.
Finally, I said, “But I know what this week was, and I was stupid enough to let my heart get involved. I don’t blame him. I was the easy one who fell for the bad boy. I’ve learned my lesson.”
Shrugging, I finished my coffee and felt the ice building in my chest. I wasn’t sad anymore. Nor was I pissed. Honestly, I was resolved, and that was scarier than any other emotion. I was resolved to be alone, only seeking men for the physical comfort they could provide. I was resolved that I may never get married or have children, and that was something I’d learn to live with. And I was resolved to rebuke any explanations from Jagger. He didn’t owe me anything, and I was going to tell him just that.
His claim was made in the heat of the moment, and I should have heeded Cheyenne’s warnings. Jagger wasn’t someone who wanted to be tied down, but I was stupid enough to think he was.
“What’s going through your head? Because the look on your face has gone from angry and hurt when you arrived to what I think now is apathy.”
Standing from my chair, I kissed Granny on the cheek and took my cup to the sink. Walking toward the back door, I looked over at her and said, “I just needed to hear myself say it, and I realize how silly I was. I’ll call Cheyenne as soon as I get home and let her know how sorry I am for taking off.”
“What are you going to do, Jackie?” Granny asked as I opened the door.
Stepping out the door with the knob in my hand, I replied, “I’m going to get back to the life I know and stop trying to force something out of the universe that I’m not destined for. Don’t worry about me, Granny. I’ll be okay. Thanks for the advice and coffee.”
Without giving her another chance to speak, I closed the door and walked down the steps to my car. As I backed out of her driveway, Granny stepped out onto the porch and watched as I pulled away. The disappointment was clear on her face, but I couldn’t see anything but pity, and that wouldn’t do me any good.
Driving to my house, I parked in my driveway and walked up the steps. My door had three locks on it, since I was alone and isolated on the reservation, and after rolling my suitcase inside, I disarmed the alarm before closing the door and securing the locks.
Everything was where I’d left it, and as I picked up the pile of mail from the door slot that I’d stepped over as I entered, I began to look through the envelopes. Walking to the kitchen, I took a seat at the bar and started separating it into junk, bills, and other. The bills were expected, so I moved them to the side after opening them. After quickly glancing through the junk, I tore those envelopes up and placed them on the other side.
The last pile had a few different things. One was a renewal notice for an old magazine subscription that I wasn’t going to renew. Another was something from my dentist about a cleaning. A few were junk disguised as important mail, and finally, there was a brown envelope, slightly larger than the others, that had no sender information. I almost tore it up but decided to open it, and when I did, I was confused about what I was seeing.
It was a picture of a small cluster of trailers with at least a dozen old or broken cars in the yard. There wasn’t anyone in the picture, but something about it seemed familiar. Staring at it for at least ten minutes, my mind began swirling over who could have sent it, where it was taken, and most importantly, why it was sent to me.
Dropping the picture onto the counter, I stood, and it was then I remembered I needed to text Cheyenne.
“Crap,” I said to the empty house as I walked into the living room, grabbed my phone from my purse, and took a seat on the couch.
Me: I’m sorry I left without telling you. I’m home now and will call you in a few days to talk. And I’m sorry if I caused any problems for the club. I don’t plan to hold Jagger to his claim, so please let him know when you see him that he’s off the hook.
Placing my phone on the coffee table, I stood from my seat and walked into my bedroom. I needed a shower before I went to see my dad, so I turned the water on before getting undressed and jumping in. My hair was clean, so I clipped it up before stepping under the spray. The soreness between my legs was intense as the warm water ran down my body, but I refused to allow my emotions to overtake me again.
I deserved better, and he didn’t deserve my tears. After washing and rinsing, I turned off the water and stepped out to dry off. My clothes were in the bedroom, so I wrapped a towel around my body and walked in to get dressed. Nothing fancy for tonight with Dad, and tomorrow, I was getting back to my job.
Well, job might have been a strong word. My passion was seeking to put a spotlight on the reservation’s infrastructure issues, and I planned to spend a few days in the rural areas, taking pictures and documenting what I could. I never wanted to exploit anyone, but there needed to be attention on what was going on up here.
After I inspected myself in the mirror and shrugged at my acceptable appearance, I unclipped my hair and walked into the living room. I had a few hours before Dad would be home, and the need for sleep was growing with each passing minute. I refused to think about why I didn’t get much sleep last night as I took a seat and picked up my phone to see who had reached out.
Pulling my notifications down, I removed the one from Jagger without reading it and focused on Cheyenne’s reply.
Cheyenne: I’ve been worried about you, and no one wants to be let off the hook. He fucked up and I’m not excusing what he said, but you need to talk to him. He’s been outside in the garage with Trent for the last few hours, beating himself up for what he said and how he reacted. Please, Jackie. Give him a chance to explain.
Shaking my head, I typed out my reply.
Me: He doesn’t need to explain. I know this past week was a mistake and I’m not a child that needs talking to. He’s free to do whatever he wants and to say whatever he wants. But I don’t have to listen.
Cheyenne: I know you’re hurt, but everyone makes mistakes. He just wants to make things right with you.
Me: There isn’t anything to make right. We had a good time this week, but I have a life here and he’s got his life there. This was a ‘relationship’ in name only and now it’s over. No harm, no foul, no worries.
I could see her typing something, so I quickly typed out another message.
Me: I need a nap after a long week, but I’ll call in a few days.
Turning my phone off, I placed it on the charger and laid down on my couch. After pulling the blanket off the back to cover my legs and grabbing a second pillow to hold in my lonely arms, I curled to face the back and closed my eyes, praying to the ancestors for peaceful sleep without visits from the spirits.
I didn’t need a guide to know my future.
I was going to be alone.