Jingle Bells and Tentacle Spells (Tinsel and Tentacles 3.0 #19)

Chapter 1

Need help leveling up your intergalactic flirting game?

Looking to date fabulous females, and feminine-presenting beings, across the universe but don’t know where to start?

We’ve got you covered! This helpful and practical guide will give you all the pointers you need to woo any woman you meet from the Centarius Star System to the Nyzonian Nebula and beyond.

—Introduction, How to Flirt Among the Stars: An Intergalactic (and Interspecies) Sapphic Dating Guide

Four weeks until Christmas…

Gemma

When would it be socially acceptable for me to flee this date without offending my companion?

“I’m all about the Whole30 program right now. It’s, like, a total nutritional reset. We put so much garbage into our bodies these days. Sometimes you gotta purge all that crap from your system, you know?”

I startle out of my momentary mental escape plans and force a pained smile. “Um, not really. I don’t go in for fad diets. They do a lot more harm than good, and the data backs that up.”

Shelby, my one-and-done date for tonight, gapes at me. “Cutting out sugar, dairy, and grains would do wonders for you!”

She’s clearly deciding to ignore my comments. Sigh.

“I think everyone should do what works best for them and makes them happy. If it can contribute to their health, all the better. As for me, eliminating grains would be especially harmful since I’m a vegetarian.

Those are kind of critical to maintaining a healthy balance in my diet,” I explain gently.

Shelby stabs a piece of grilled chicken in her salad with the vinaigrette on the side and no croutons, shoving it in her mouth. Swallowing her food, she asks, “Are you sure you’re getting enough protein?”

I inhale deeply and let my breath out slowly, trying to maintain my cool. “Like I told you when we matched online, I’m a medical doctor. Trust me to know how to take care of myself.”

“If you say so,” Shelby concedes, her tone dubious.

I valiantly try once more. “Do you like to travel? There are so many places I want to visit, but my schedule hasn’t made that possible. I’m thinking about taking a little sabbatical or an extended vacation in the near future so I can travel the world.”

Hell, I’ve even considered doing a stint in New Zealand. They’re eager for medical professionals at the moment, and it seems beautiful there.

Shelby stares at me blankly. “Why waste that kind of money when you can get a taste of Europe right here in Vegas? You ever ridden in those gondolas over at The Venetian? Did that, now I don’t need to go to Venice.”

I try not to grimace. If only one of those UFOs Felix is obsessed with would show up right about now and use its tractor beam to take me away from this disaster of a first date.

When we’ve finished our meals, our server stops by to ask if we want any dessert. In almost any other situation, I’d be so inclined. Right now, I am more than willing to forgo sweet temptation if it means I can make my escape all that much faster.

“God, no,” Shelby tells our server, aghast.

I smile at the poor teenage server. “Not tonight, but thank you.”

She scurries off and I’m left alone with Shelby.

“Have you ever tried intermittent fasting? It’s changed my life.” She rubs her toned abs.

When we matched online, I was initially excited.

She has the kind of sporty, athletic physique I admire and visually eye-catching platinum blond hair cut in a short, messy bob with a sexy undercut.

Our initial string of messages hadn’t exactly been the stuff of romance novels let alone all that mentally stimulating, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

After all, maybe she was better talking face-to-face?

Wrong. Totally wrong.

As fast as I can without appearing rude, I pay for my meal—we decided to have separate checks—and try my best not to run outside. Shelby follows me to my car.

Thank fuck we drove separately.

“I had a nice time, and it was good to have the chance to meet in person,” I say. That’s a big, fat lie. “But I don’t see this going any farther. The spark isn’t there, you know? I don’t think we have enough in common.”

Okay, that was about as gentle as I can be in delivering a rejection, but I don’t want to lead her on. Our initial meager connection online fizzled and died a quick death on this first, and last, date.

Crossing her arms, Shelby gives me a tight smile. “Same. Lifestyle is really important to me. My body is my temple.” She eyes me up and down. “But you don’t seem to think the same way.”

I immediately bristle. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

She sighs as if annoyed that she has to explain. “Look, you have a pretty face and all, but you could stand to lose some weight. For your health, you know?”

Assault is illegal, I remind myself, even though I would love nothing more right now than to kick this bitch’s ass. How very dare she!

I cross my eyes and stare her down. “My body is beautiful. Being fuller figured isn’t indicative of being unhealthy. My annual labs always show that I’m the picture of health—far healthier, in fact, than some of my patients who spend their lives yo-yo dieting.”

Being a larger person in a world obsessed with skinniness isn’t easy.

I’ve always been what I like to call luscious.

When I started medical school, I learned a lot that debunked erroneous assumptions I’d had about being bigger all my life, and I fully embraced myself as the sexy, vibrant, and talented woman that I am.

Shelby huffs in obvious annoyance. “Whatever. I’m sure there are some women out there who like a thick partner.”

I glare at her coldly. “And I’m sure there are some women out there who like superficial idiots.” Fuck you very much.

With that, I open my car door and get in. Revving my engine and backing out, I leave my flabbergasted fool of a date behind. Eat my dust, asshat!

The minute I get home, I’m shedding my date outfit and slipping into my comfy loungewear as I call my brother. Felix picks up on the third ring.

“How’d the date go? Seems rather early to be calling me, so I’m guessing not well.”

“Bingo,” I agree, flopping down on my couch.

“What happened? You sound irritated.”

“That doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now.” I launch into an account of the date. When I get to the last bit, Felix growls in outrage.

“What a fucking asshole,” he says.

That gives me the warm fuzzies. My brother is six years older than me, but we’re super close. We kind of need to be since we’re the only family we have.

“That’s putting it mildly. A love match, it was not,” I say with a sigh.

“Sorry, Gemsy. This date sounds even worse than that one with the woman who wanted to help you find religion and join her church.”

I shudder in recollection. “At least her church was LGBTQ-friendly, but she didn’t want to take no for an answer. It was like she had proselytizing mania or something.”

Felix snickers. “Is that an official medical diagnosis?”

“Hardee-har-har,” I reply dryly.

His voice softens. “I’m really sorry that happened. You know you’re beautiful and perfect the way you are, right?”

“Damn straight! I don’t need to give anyone the time of day if they want to criticize my appearance in any way. Fuck that noise.”

“One hundred percent,” Felix agrees. “What now?”

I sigh. “No idea. The dating apps are kind of a nightmare, and I’m losing the motivation to keep using them. It’s not that I don’t want to find a partner, I do, but I’m wondering if it might not be in the cards for me.”

“Don’t say that, Gemsy. Your special someone is out there, I know it.”

“I could say the same for you. Your love life is about as bad as mine. When was the last time you even had a date?”

“It’s been… a while,” he confesses reluctantly. “In all honesty, I haven’t really had time lately. Work’s been busy, and I don’t have a lot of free time to myself. We get a lot of emergencies and need to be on call all the time.”

A veterinarian specializing in exotic animals, my brother also possesses the Taylor family smarts.

“Vegas has so many exotic animals used in performances that it can be hard to keep up when we’re one of the only clinics who specialize in their care,” Felix adds.

“Let’s face it,” I say, “neither of us has found another person we want to be serious with on a permanent basis. I think we both want what Nana and Gramps had, just a super queer version, and we don’t want to settle for less.”

Felix makes a commiserating sound. “Pretty much. But the older I get the farther away that dream feels.”

“You sound awfully jaded for thirty-five.”

“Talk to me again when you’re my age now,” he retorts.

“Touché. Maybe you need to meet someone who shares your… unusual hobby. Surely there are other gay UFO enthusiasts out there.”

He snorts. “Most of the guys I’ve dated were dicks about it. They thought I’ve lost touch with reality.”

“They’re narrow-minded fools. I mean, based on all the science classes I took in college and med school, I can honestly say it’s highly improbable that we are the only intelligent species in the universe. Aliens are out there. Somewhere.”

“Exactly. In fact, I’m convinced some of them have already visited Earth.”

I make a noncommittal noise. “That one I’m less convinced on, but once again, not out of the realm of possibility. However, I don’t want you to waste your prime dating years searching for something you may never find.”

“Well, I also don’t want to give up on my dreams. Besides, we both know I’m not the only alien enthusiast in this family.”

Okay, he’s got me there. Sort of.

“I’m more drawn to the fictional variety. Like Seven of Nine on Star Trek: Voyager. Or Kira Nerys on Deep Space Nine. Those are some lesbian alien thirst traps for sure.”

Felix laughs. “Who knows, maybe there’s an alien woman out there waiting for a fabulous lady like you?”

“I certainly wouldn’t say no to that, but I’m also not gonna go looking for her in the desert.”