20. James
CHAPTER 20
JAMES
Despite losing the bet to Chase, I was still feeling really good about how things were going with me and Hallie, at least until she suddenly flipped a switch and walked away from me, saying she had work to do. Her sudden change of heart seemed to come out of nowhere, especially after we had been getting along again. There’s no way this has all been in my head. I considered that maybe I had misinterpreted the kiss at the ropes course, but we had another moment just now—I’m sure of it. Something is happening between the two of us and I know she was feeling it too. I could see in Hallie’s eyes when she looked at me that I wasn’t making it up. I haven’t allowed myself to get to this point emotionally with anyone in such a long time, and now that I’m there, I’m not going to let it slip away without knowing why.
Hallie shrugs her arm away from my grip with a huff, barely looking at me.
“I told you; I have work to do,” she says. “I’m going back to the room to catch up.”
“Hallie, please wait,” I implore her, feeling my stomach tighten into a knot. “What’s going on? Did I do something?”
She glances into my eyes but only for a second before she looks away, sighing as she stares up at the lodge in the distance. Clouds have started to form in the sky, obscuring the sun and sending a chill through the air.
“It’s fine,” Hallie sighs. “You were just being who you are.”
“Who I am?” I repeat, stunned by her words. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You know,” she mutters. “The way you are. Actually, I should probably thank you. You’ve been really nice and helpful, and I know this isn’t the way you would choose to spend a week under any other circumstances, so I’m appreciative of your efforts and all, but I think for a second I forgot about who you are when you’re not pretending to be someone else, and it turns out I needed the reminder. So, you know, thanks.”
For a moment I can only stare at her, not having any idea what she’s talking about. Even though she won’t look at me, I can see the disappointment and confusion in her eyes, and I feel a little taken aback. Clearly, I did something, but I have no idea what it was. I rack my brain, but I thought we’d been having fun. I can’t figure out what happened.
“If I need to apologize for something, I will,” I tell her, trying to get a hold on the situation. “But you have to tell me what I did wrong.”
Hallie lets out an impatient sigh, and I get the feeling I’m keeping her from wherever she would rather be. Maybe she does have work to do, but she’s also making it clear that she’s trying to get away from me.
“Look, I’m not mad at you,” she finally says. “If anything, I’m angry with myself. I should know better. I started to think you might be different, but that’s on me. This is who you are.”
“What is who I am?” I ask, feeling desperate for some sort of clarity. It’s as if Hallie is talking in riddles and puzzles and I don’t have a clue how to solve the mystery.
“You’re you, ” she insists, as if that explains everything. “The guy who has a different woman over every night. No commitment, no strings attached, charming everyone, not a care in the world. You’re exactly the kind of person who I needed here this week—making my coworkers fall in love with you, convincing everyone that we’re a couple, all without developing any sort of attachment so when we get home, we can go our separate ways.”
“Is that what you want?” I ask.
“What does that matter?” Hallie scoffs. “It’s all you’re capable of. Like I said, you’re you, James. If I seem upset, it’s only because, for a second there, I thought you could be different. I almost let myself think there was more to you than the womanizer. Well, shame on me.”
She lets out a wry laugh as she wraps her arms around herself defensively.
“I won’t make that mistake again,” she adds before she starts to walk away.
I’m about to follow after her, but I only get a couple of steps before I come to a halt, wondering what I could even say to change her mind. It stings a little to admit it, but I am the kind of person who runs from commitment, who prefers not to be attached to anyone. I’ve been living my life by keeping everyone at arm’s length, refusing to allow anyone in. I don’t really think of myself as a womanizer, but I can see why Hallie would see me that way. It might not be who I want to be or who I once was, but lately…Hallie’s right. It’s who I am.
Instead of following Hallie back to the room and making things even more awkward between us, I decide to go for a hike to clear my head and give us some space. Now that I know what’s bothering her, I have to figure out what to do about it. I know what I was feeling today, how easy it was to get swept away around Hallie, how much I enjoyed spending time with her. The electricity between us is something I haven’t experienced in a long time, if ever, and I don’t want to ignore it, but electricity will only take you so far. If I’m really the person that Hallie thinks I am, then I don’t deserve her, and the best thing for both of us is for me to put her out of my mind.
I try to keep my focus on the world around me, looking through the trees at the birds and animals, taking deep breaths of fresh air, listening to the wind blowing the leaves overhead. I’m feeling pretty good about my decision until I start to think about what Hallie said, how she thought I might be different than what she expected. Only by replaying her words in my head do I realize that I was right—she had been experiencing the same feelings that I had today. She felt those moments pass between us. She was letting her guard down around me. If she felt that way for even a minute, then maybe that means I can show her that I’m more than just a womanizer. Maybe I could be the person I once was again. Or maybe I could do something to mess everything up and then end up back where I started, heartbroken and alone.
I knew that coming on this trip with Hallie was dangerous. I knew there was something about her that drew me to her from the first moment I laid eyes on her at the apartment complex. I kept trying to sleep with her, thinking that once I had her in my bed, I’d realize she wasn’t any different from the other women I brought home. When that didn’t work, I thought I could ignore what I was feeling and just keep pushing past it, but the intrigue was always there, making me wonder what if? Now that I’m here with her, I know for sure that it was a mistake—a big one. The more time I spend with her, the more I realize that my feelings for Hallie are deeper than I thought.
At the top of the trail, I get to an overlook, and I sweep my gaze across the landscape, taking in the mountains and bright green pine trees all around me. As I catch my breath from the challenging hike, I wish that Hallie was here to see this view. My heart aches a little with loneliness, not just that I’m alone in this moment, but that I’ve been alone for so long. I have to remind myself that the pain of being alone is nothing compared to the heartache of having someone I thought I loved turn her back on me at a moment when I was already at my lowest.
I give my head a shake and start back down the trail, certain that I’m getting in way over my head with Hallie. I know that I came as a favor, but things got a little too close for my comfort and I need to get out of here before it’s too late. I’ve worked too hard to keep myself from forming any attachments again and I’m not going to let that fall apart now—which is exactly what’s bound to happen. I can’t keep doing this. If I’m a womanizer without any strings attached to me, it’s because I’m better off that way. That’s all there is to it.
I practically run back to the lodge, ready to pack up and head home. I’m sure it won’t affect Hallie’s chances at the promotion. She’s proven that she has a boyfriend, and she can make up some excuse for why I had to leave. Family emergency. A problem at work. I don’t care. Maybe Chase will give her a hard time, but that’s not my problem. Let him tell everyone that I left to get out of making good on our bet. He can do whatever he wants.
The elevator doors are closing as I rush through the lobby, and I manage to make it just in time, only to find Jasmine is already inside, wearing a robe and holding a bottle of champagne. I stare at her for a second and she starts laughing, amused by my shock.
“You caught me,” she shrugs, holding up the bottle. “I was sneaking out to get this for me and Ricardo.”
“My lips are sealed,” I tell her.
“Where’s Hallie?” Jasmine asks.
“Oh, she had some work to do,” I say vaguely, not wanting to get into what happened. I figure if Jasmine doesn’t know now, she probably will soon enough.
“It figures,” Jasmine sighs. “That girl works too hard. She is so desperate to get this promotion.”
“Yeah,” I nod. “Well, she deserves it. I mean, that’s obvious even to me.”
“She totally deserves it,” Jasmine agrees. “You know, I think it’s really great of you to help her out like this.”
“It’s no big deal,” I mutter.
“It’s a huge deal,” Jasmine insists, lowering her voice though we’re alone in the elevator. “I don’t know how much Hallie has told you, but this promotion is so much more than a new job title to her. She needs the bonus to help her family. They are about to lose their business, and Hallie wants to give them the money they need to hold on to it. She is one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met. So, when I say she deserves the promotion, it’s not just because she’s the best person for the job. It’s because she’s the best person I know.”
The elevator doors open as I’m processing what Jasmine just told me, and I take a step back so she can get off at her floor.
“Thanks again for helping Hallie,” she says, cinching her robe closed. “I knew you were a good guy.”
Jasmine gives me a quick smile as the elevator doors close, her words hitting me hard. I knew that Hallie was putting a lot of pressure on herself to get this promotion, but I had no idea why. I figured it just fit with what I thought about her—that she is an uptight over-achiever who puts work above all else. I had no idea that the reason she was working so hard for this job was to support her family. It completely changes my thoughts on the situation. I lean against the elevator wall, letting out my breath as I’m suddenly consumed by indecision.
“Damn it,” I curse softly under my breath.
I can’t leave Hallie on her own now. There’s too much of a risk it could come out that she was lying about our relationship. Knowing the little I do about Chase, he will find a way to ruin this for Hallie if I’m not around to defend her. And what’s worse is that I doubt I can fight off what I’m feeling for her either. I don’t know how it happened, but just like she did with the pillow divider in our bed, she somehow broke through the wall I built around my heart, and now I can’t get her out.