Chapter 15
WILLA
When the others left Landon’s house, Willa wondered if it was time for her to leave as well. “When do you want to leave?”
Landon looked over at her from the sink where he was washing dishes. “Leave? Where do you want to go?”
“I think I have to get back to my house. Right?”
He shrugged. “I meant it when I said you should consider this your house, Willa. I love you and I want you here whenever you want to be here, but also, if you want to go back to your house. I’m fine with that, too. If you can wait until I’m done with the dishes, we can leave right away.”
She felt like a jerk. “Yeah, of course.” She made her way into the kitchen and pulled a dish cloth off of the oven door handle. “I can dry if you like.”
“I’d love it.” He smiled and handed her a plate.
She took it and wiped it down before setting it on the side to put away.
“How are you feeling?”
Willa gave him a half-hearted smile. “I’m feeling better and worse.”
Landon didn’t look shocked at all. “About?”
“Better in that everyone’s on the lookout for him. I’m just not sure that this is going to work out the way we all hope it does. You know,” she let out a loud sigh, “I was thinking that I was really past this. Like I had finally put it behind me. Taking steps to not just live but to really reach out to people.”
She looked away from him.
“I think it was just simpler when I was home pretty much all day, every day. Nose down, working. That’s what I need to go back to.”
“Hey, come here.” He reached out to her, but she didn’t move toward him. He had to move toward her and turn so he had her pressed against the counter. “If you think I’m just going to walk away from you, think again.”
“I never said that.”
“I know, but you’re talking about hiding away in your house, and I’m not planning to live my life like that.”
She lifted her head and glared up at him. “It’s not your life I’m talking about.”
“I love you, Willa. And because I love you, I’m not letting you hide away.”
She opened her mouth and then closed it just as fast. She was about to tell him that she wasn’t hiding away. But she was planning on it.
Yes, she had created her own personal comfort space in her home, but it was in her home. And until Landon came and knocked on her door, she’d spent the majority of her time within the walls of her home.
“Maybe out in the public just isn’t my thing. I’m an adult woman. I get to stay where I want to stay and go where I want to go. No one says you have to hunker down with me. But I made the mistake of going out into the world and that’s what got me into this jam. If I’d stayed tucked in there behind those walls, I would be safe.”
“That’s one way of putting it.”
She heard his droll tone and it put her hackles up. “Why are you doing this, Landon?”
“Doing what?”
She shook her head as she looked at him, struggling to find the words that would explain. “Pushing me! That’s what you’re doing! You’re pushing me and that’s a pain. You are a pain!”
He backed away from her, giving her room to move and move she did.
Dropping the towel on the counter, she moved over to the couch and picked up her phone off of the coffee table.
Landon shut off the water and dried his hands. “Willa?”
“When do I get to make decisions for myself? You think you know what’s best for me, and I think it’s coming from a great place, but it’s… it’s smothering me.”
He looked like she’d kicked him in the gut.
And she wanted to apologize but she couldn’t form the words. She couldn’t take it back. She knew that it was bordering on stupid, but after seeing him the night before and a whole day of plans and photographs, she was feeling overwhelmed.
She should have handled it better, but the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to start screaming.
If felt like the scene in every 80s TV show where someone falls in quicksand. At first, you think that it’s okay. That if you just stay calm enough, you can move slowly to the edge of the pit and pull yourself out, but then you’re putting your foot on the wall to pull yourself out and you slip back in and find yourself deeper in than you were before.
And now, the quicksand is up past your chin to the point that if you open your mouth to call for help, you’re going to get a mouthful.
Yes, she was losing her sanity.
“Willa?”
She put her hands up between them. “Give me some space.”
“I’ll give you space, but I’m thinking that you’re panicking.”
“Panicking?” Her voice rose and her volume was loud enough that he winced at the sound. “Yes, I’m panicking, but that’s got nothing to do with you.”
“I think it does, Willa. I’ve been trying to take care of things as we go, but I’m not sure that it’s working for you.”
She shook her head back and forth. “No. No it’s not, but I’m not used to doing things like you do. I do things… I don’t do things, do I?”
“It’s not about one or the other.”
“Oh, it isn’t? So far it’s been your way, Landon.”
She sat down, forgetting that it was his coffee table behind her. Willa dropped her head into her hands.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t know… I need… I don’t know what I need.”
LANDON
Willa wouldn’t look at him.
No, he didn’t think she could. He was pretty sure that she was suffering through a panic attack, and he didn’t know how to help.
He was out of his league.
He knew that it was his fault. He wasn’t used to dealing with this. He wasn’t used to feeling so damn helpless!
He called his mother.
He didn’t know what else to do.
They’d lived in the same house for the last forty years and just happened to live a few blocks away from his house.
This was not how he wanted Willa to meet his mother, but that was out of his hands.
His father drove her over, but Kathleen Cooper came in by herself.
She barely gave him a kiss to the cheek before she walked in and sat down beside Willa.
His mother had this way about her. Everyone loved her. Children in public places would walk up and climb into her lap. That’s just the kind of person she was. She was also an elementary school teacher with a specialty in counseling. It was the reason why there was a bidding war every time her contract was up, but Kathleen went where the need was.
Landon moved to the far side of the room where he could be of help if he was needed, but out of the way so that his mother could talk to Willa.
WILLA
She didn’t know how she’d got there, but she was lost in her own thoughts. Her mind was filled with grumblings and tangled thoughts, so much so that she couldn’t find her way out of the labyrinth in her head.
It was just too much.
“Hello, dear.”
That was a different voice.
Who? She didn’t know.
But it sounded nice.
Calm.
Gentle.
Sweet.
“Can you feel that, Willa? I’m holding your hand.”
Yes. She could feel that.
Willa nodded her head slowly.
“Oh, good. And I see you can hear me. Right, Willa?”
Willa nodded and turned her head toward the voice.
She wanted to see her. She wanted to know who it was.
“Landon?”
“Landon’s behind you, sweetheart. I’m Kathleen. Landon’s mother.”
Willa lifted her chin, and her vision was filled with a sweet smile and gentle eyes. “His mother.”
“That’s right, dear. He called me because he was having some trouble reaching you. I think you’ve had a lot thrown at you today.”
Willa drew in a breath, filling her lungs. “Recently.”
“I see. I knew that Landon was working on a new task force at work. Are you working on that with him?”
Willa nodded and she let out a breath clearing her vision. As the dark grey areas retreated to the edges of her vision. “We’re working together.”
“Take another deep breath, dear.”
Willa drew in another breath and let it go slowly before she blinked a few times and looked at Kathleen again. “You’re Kathleen Cooper.”
“There you are, sweetheart.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened,” Willa winced at the lie, but she didn’t want Landon’s mother to think that she was trouble.
Kathleen still had her hand and she lifted it up and held it gently between both of her hands as she whispered to Willa. “You don’t have to hide from me, Willa. A panic attack is nothing to be embarrassed about, sweetheart. Some of the strongest people in the world have struggled from time to time.”
Willa nodded. “I’m sorry I lied.”
“You were worried, but you know you don’t have to be now, right?”
Willa tried to give her an easy smile.
“Good. Good. I can see that you have some basic coping skills for panic attacks. Sometimes we can go down so deep that it takes someone else to help us climb out.”
“I don’t… I’m not weak.”
Kathleen reached out her hands and touched Willa’s face. “Oh, sweetheart. No one thinks you’re weak.”
“H-how did you know to come here?”
“I live a few streets down. A quick call and I was here.”
Willa fought back tears. “I’m stronger than this.”
“I think you’re strong, Willa. It takes a strong person to accept help. It’s the weak that push people away determined to do it on their own.
“I know Landon. Sometimes I think I know him better than myself. And when he called, I could hear the worry in his voice.”
Willa tried to look away from her, but Kathleen had a will just as strong.
“He didn’t call me because he was embarrassed by you, he called because he cares about you a great deal. And I wanted to help, but I also wanted to meet the woman who he cares for so much.”
“I can’t imagine what you think-”
“I think you can, if you were to see yourself the way he does.”
“It’s been a long, long time since I’ve done that. I rarely look at myself through anyone else’s eyes.”
“Willa.”
She closed her eyes tightly. She knew he was there in the room, but that had slipped to the back of her mind.
Landon crouched down in front of her, holding out his hand. “Whenever you want to look at yourself through someone else’s eyes, all you have to do is ask.”
She didn’t reach out to him but she did meet his eyes.
“I know how much Hayden loves working with you. She respects what you do, your dedication, and your skill. You know Gus respects you, but you probably don’t know how much he cares about you as a person. He’d walk through hell for you or miles and miles of coding, whichever is in front of him at the moment. There’s a growing number of people who are in awe of you and your dedication.
“But it’s easiest for me to tell you how I feel.” He picked up one of her hands and lifted it to his mouth. He brushed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand before he spoke. “If you were to look through my eyes, Willa, you’d see how much you’re loved. You’d see how deep my feelings go because I am so proud of you. I knew eight years ago that you were a staunch friend, courageous to a fault, and so amazingly stubborn. You are a marvel and you need to know that I’m here for you, no matter what. If you need me to step up or step back, that’s what I’m going to do, but please don’t think I’ll feel any different because you need help from time to time.”
“I was mean to you.”
“You were frustrated. I didn’t understand exactly what you were saying… what you were going through. You need to be able to tell me how you’re feeling or it’s going to be tough for us moving forward.”
She gave him a look and leaned her head toward his mother. “Landon.”
He smiled at her and pressed another kiss to her hand. “She knows me, Willa. She knew how I felt when I called her. She knows my feelings probably better than I do.”
Kathleen started to get up off of the coffee table on her own, but Landon helped her up and turned to help her, but Willa got up on her own.
She had barely turned toward Kathleen before the other woman pulled her into an embrace. “Welcome to the family, Willa.”
Willa could only stare at his mother when she stepped back. “But…”
“Again, my dear. I raised Landon. I know my son. He’s not just attracted to you, my dear. I’m sure he’s confessed his feelings to you.”
Willa felt her face flame with heat.
“I… I feel the same way about him.”
Kathleen smiled happily at her. “Come, walk me out and let’s introduce you to Landon’s father.”
Willa turned to look at Landon who was shaking his head behind her.
“But don’t you worry, my dear. Landon’s father isn’t all that keen on showing or recognizing his emotions. There won’t be a chance for you to be embarrassed, he’ll just shake your hand and grumble under his breath.” Hearing Landon’s mother make such a comment about his father shocked her a little, but while her words were shocking, her tone said that she loved him very much.
When they walked over to the large SUV in the driveway, Landon’ father was already out and reaching for his wife.
It made Willa’s heart swell.
“What’s going on? Did Landon make a mess of things?”
Willa opened her mouth to explain, but Landon tugged her back into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
“Mom helped me straighten a few things out.”
Willa appreciated how he didn’t explain about the panic attack to his father.
“Willa, this is Landon’s dad, Jonas.” Kathleen put her hand on her husband’s chest. “ Jonas, this is Willa. She works with Landon.”
Willa saw the elder Cooper narrow his eyes at his son. “Works with you? Does she know that you can be a bit of a grump?”
Kathleen rolled her eyes. “I wonder where he gets that from.”
Jonas gave her a look and then placed a big kiss on her temple. “Quiet, wife.”
Kathleen’s eyes widened, but Landon laughed and Willa felt like she was getting a very good picture of how Landon’s family interacted with each other.
It was a lovely family dynamic and she hoped that she would be able to fit in.
“Willa?”
She turned to look at Kathleen.
“I’m so glad I’ll have a little more estrogen around to balance out these two men. So, if you need more help with Landon, you call me right away.”
“What’s the matter, Kathleen? You know it’s just going to get out of balance again when they start giving us grandkids!”
“Jonas!” Kathleen put her hand over her own heart. “Don’t push them.”
Landon tightened his hold on Willa. “Don’t let my dad get under your skin.”
Willa was laughing before she knew it. “I think your parents are wonderful.”
“Do you hear that, Kathleen? I’m wonderful! Now let’s get home so Landon can grovel or whatever else you told him to do. I’m not getting any younger and grandkids can’t come too soon.”
“Jonas,” Kathleen chastised her husband. “What did I say about pushing them?”
“Must be my memory slipping, woman. Now get in the car.”
Kathleen turned around and waved. “Bye, you two.”
Willa waved as they backed out of the driveway and leaned back into Landon’s embrace when they disappeared down the road. “I’m sorry about what happened.”
He turned her around and looked down into her face. “I am, too, Willa. I’m sorry I didn’t know what to do.”
“It’s not your job-”
“It’s not a job, Willa. This is about you and me. I want to know how to help you if this ever happens again.”
She wrapped her hands in the front of his shirt, enjoying the way her knuckles brushed against his chest. “Then let’s go inside and I can tell you what your mom walked me through. The problem is that I didn’t try to head the attack off at the pass before it got its claws into me and dragged me under. It really hasn’t been that bad in a long time.”
Landon looked at her as if she was as precious as she thought he was. “Then I’m really glad that you want to tell me so I can help you so that it never happens again.”
“That would be amazing.” She meant it, too. She really didn’t like the feelings she had when she was stuck in the cycle of panic when it happened. “You’re amazing.”
He leaned in to give her a kiss. “Let’s go inside because I want to hold you.”
She smiled back at him. “Great, because I want to be held.”