Keller and Callahan

Chapter 13

Olivia found her dad in the office in the main lodge. Even though it was technically her office now, Ray often used it to work on the booking reservations that came through their new online system. He handled them all since Olivia had taken over the majority of running the resort.

In the few years since graduating college, Olivia hadn’t had much of a life other than learning the ins and outs of everything from her father. And she wouldn”t have had it any other way. In part because she truly did love it, but if she were being honest with herself, there was a small part of her that was proving to her long lost mother that this resort and this life was more than enough for her.

That she was enough.

Proving that she was worthy not only to others but mostly to herself, had been her main focus the past few years, and while it kept the resort running smoothly, all she was doing was pushing her demons deeper and deeper down. Determined not to let them overtake her and win. But keeping that hidden from those she loved had become a full time job, and she’d be damned if anyone knew how unworthy she truly felt.

“Hey, Dad.” She rapped her knuckles on the doorframe as she casually leaned against it.

“Hey, Livvy girl! How did it go down at the restaurant today?” Ray pushed back from the computer to give his daughter his full attention.

“Great. Penny has it under control. Cassie told me that ever since her mom opened the restaurant, she’s convinced it’s more her baby than she is.” She tossed her long ponytail over her shoulder.

“She sure does treat it like a loving mother would,” he said laughing. “So, what’s up? Wasn’t planning on seeing you before you knocked off the for day.”

Ray steepled his hands, tapped his fingers against his chin. Sensing a storm was brewing inside his daughter, he pondered the best way to approach it.

“Maybe I wanted to come up to make sure you weren’t slacking off up here,” her wicked smirk made her father laugh.

“I swear, Boss, I wasn’t googling new fishing poles.”

Laughing, Olivia plopped in the chair across from him.

“Actually, I’ve been meaning to check in with you about how you’re feeling about Sam. You must be so surprised.” His eyes searched hers desperately as if the answer would reveal itself to him.

“Surprised that after a decade with literally zero communication he decided to come back and act friendly and want to make peace? Yeah, you could say I’m a little surprised.” Her brows furrowed deeply.

And she definitely wasn’t going to tell him that when she saw him around the lodge, he looked as if he fit in perfectly, almost as if he had never left. Her heart had softened when she had been walking to her office, and saw sweet Mrs. Klein stop and ask him for directions to the dock shop, when he kindly offered to walk her there himself. Or when two young boys had tossed their frisbee into the tree, Sam had climbed up to retrieve it for them. Seeing him up in a tree like they had explored when they were teens, wearing his backwards hat and board shorts just as he had in the past, she felt her blood run hot at all the memories they had shared at the lodge together, and how he had always been such an integral part.

She was pushing every iota of her excitement and happiness of having him here down to the depths of her soul, keeping him at arms length so he couldn’t creep back in.

“I can’t say I wasn’t shocked to see him when he checked in the other day. I’d given up hope that he would ever come back. But after so many years, I bet he has a really good reason as to why he stayed away,” he tapped the table with his index finger. “I’m sure he must have explained everything to you.”

Ray had loved Sam like a son, and it had crushed him when he hadn’t returned. But he had pushed down his own pain for years in order to help Olivia wade through hers, and if he were being honest with himself, that wound never fully healed for him either.

“I didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to get into it, because it doesn’t matter now. That chapter of my life is closed. He’s leaving in a couple weeks and then he will be out of our lives again for good.” Ray eyed her suspiciously, prompting her to continue.

“But if I’m being honest, I can’t let go of the fact that he never wrote or anything. We didn’t deserve the radio silence.”

She began to pick absentmindedly at a stray hem from her cutoff shorts, in hopes it would hide the shakiness she felt in her hands at the thought of Sam being back in her orbit.

“No, you didn’t,” Ray eyed his daughter and how her eyebrows were pulled together, a tell-tale sign of being deep in her feelings. “But maybe it’s time to hear him out about it. It might give you a sense of peace you haven’t been able to find.”

Knowing her dad was probably right, that hearing his explanation about why he stopped writing and essentially cut her out of his life would give her closure. But if she was being honest with herself, she wasn’t sure she wanted closure with Sam. She had never wanted anything that remotely resembled closure with Sam. All she had ever wanted with him was everything else; love, companionship, a long and happy future together. And that not only terrified her, but now it pissed her the hell off. She wanted so badly to be angry at this man for how he hurt her, but the more she was around him, the harder it became to keep her walls intact.

“Maybe. Or I could just tell housekeeping to never clean his room and make sure the restaurant serves him celery - you know how he’s allergic.” A devious, yet hollow smile graced her lips.

“Getting sued sounds like a great alternative to having a conversation with him. Good plan, honey. I’m so glad I made such a sound decision having you take over the resort.” His sarcasm made her laugh.

“Ok ok. No celery. But I can’t make any promises about housekeeping.” She watched as her father arched an eyebrow in response. “Ok Dad, I’ll think about it.”

“That’s my girl. Now get outta here, some of us have work to do,” he smirked and turned his attention back to his computer.

As she stood up to leave, she looked at her father typing on the keyboard and was overwhelmed with love. He was the only person in her life that had always been steady and had never left her. Seeing him framed in the window with the gorgeous trees standing in the distance, she realized how fulfilled her life was, despite the loss and abandonment she had felt at the hands of her mother and Sam.

She gave herself a small smile in gratitude and as she sailed out the door she tossed over her shoulder, “You’re right, those fishing poles can’t buy themselves. But don’t worry, I won’t tell the boss.”

After her conversation with her dad, Olivia decided she was going to take a few minutes to process his advice. She found herself drawn to the old swing that had hung from the weeping willow behind her fathers’ cabin since she was four years old, always having been a place of comfort. She looked out across the lake at the calm, cooling water and found herself thinking of the 4th of July that had changed everything.

After Sam’s father had set fire to the dock, it had spread so quickly. All Sam and Olivia could do in that moment was helplessly watch it all happen, as if they were trapped in some sort of nightmare. Sam never let go of her hand the entire time they were treading water, as they watched guests and workers flee to safety, while the fire department attempted to save what they could.

But he held on even tighter to her hand when they had both heard that his father had escaped into the woods, that the police were still looking for him. He clutched her hand like it was his lifeline, and even loosening his grip minutely on hers would cause him to unravel.

Hearing the social workers speak to her father about taking Sam in for statements, it was now her turn to squeeze his hand tight. Her heart sank when she heard them reject Ray’s offer to become his legal guardian, stating it was his mother’s wish he be sent to his distant aunt’s care until he turned eighteen and was free to make his own decisions.

Turning her to face him, Sam cupped her face in his hands and looked straight down to her soul. “I will write to you all of the time and call you when I can. And as soon as I turn eighteen, I will come back and we”ll be together. Trust me.”

In complete shock and disbelief at the unbearable situation, she shook her head. Sensing her apprehension, he tightened his hold on her face.

“Liv. I will come back to you.” With tears in her eyes, all she could do was nod as he pulled her into a clutching hug.

Sam was walking back to his cabin when Olivia caught his eye from the swing. He stopped and simply watched her rock back and forth slowly as she gazed across the water. The stillness in her body showed him the state of her concentration, without even needing to see her face. Knowing that she was deep in thought, he almost kept walking in hopes not to disturb her, but the need to share this magnificent moment of serenity with her caused him to change his course and go to her. He had always been drawn to her, as if she were the other half of his magnet, needing to be with her in order to feel whole.

He had given up hope years ago that he would ever see her again, and had tried with all his might to forget her and move on. But the love he had for her would never let him, as if a tiny string was tethered to his heart and was connected to hers that had stayed rooted here in the forest. He constantly felt the pull to be near her, and knowing that it wasn’t an option was unbearable, causing him a deep pain that he lived with every single day since the day he had opened the mailbox and found that dreaded letter.

Olivia was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn’t hear Sam’s footsteps behind her. She didn’t know of his presence until his hands gently covered hers on the rope of the swing. He didn’t speak, he simply laid his chin on the top of her head as they gazed across the lake at the setting sun together. Not wanting this moment to slip away, she closed her eyes and willed her memory to take a snapshot of this picture so she could access it whenever she wished. The feeling of security she felt with Sam’s strong hands enveloping hers was powerful, feeling as if his mere presence could protect her from anything.

Feeling Olivia completely relax beneath his touch, he gave her hands a slight squeeze as he raised his head and gently rested his hand on the small of her back and began to softly push her. She swung in silence as she reveled in the feel of his touch on her body. He continued to push her for a few moments before he broke the silence and spoke.

“It doesn’t seem real,” he audibly whispered. Soaking in the sound of his voice, she smiled to herself.

“What doesn’t?” She breathed.

“Being back. Looking at this view. This moment here with you,” he said simply.

Olivia closed her eyes for a moment while she decided how to respond.

“I know what you mean. I want to be so angry with you, but my traitorous heart isn’t letting me.” She huffed out a resigned breath.

“I was hoping that stubborn streak would end eventually and you’d come around.”

Hearing the slight humor in his voice, she planted her feet firmly on the ground as she stopped the momentum of the swing. Turning around to face him, Olivia looked him straight in the eye as she spoke.

“Sam. Why are you here?”

The look of need in her eyes consumed him with longing to brush the stray strand of hair away from her face and cover her mouth with his. Knowing he didn’t have the right to do either of those things, instead he stared back into those shining blue eyes, knowing he needed to be honest.

“I had to come to you.” It was the God”s honest truth.

Frustrated with his ambiguity, she gripped her hands harder on the swing and groaned. “What does that even mean? It doesn’t make any sense to me! You never came back once you turned eighteen, you abruptly stopped communication, and completely cut me out of your life for the past decade. With no explanation or reason why. I had finally started to move on with my life without you, and now here you are after ten years and act like it’s no big deal,” fury swept into her eyes like a raging storm.

“Liv, you’re right. I know I owe you answers, and I know it’s been a long time, there is so much I want to tell you. But I just couldn’t go on without you anymore.”

Anger bubbling in her gut, Olivia rose from the swing with grace and took a step back as Sam ran a hand through his hair, mussing up his dark tresses perfectly.

Standing across from him, she took in the man standing before her. He had a swagger of confidence about him that had multiplied over the years he had been away. His body was sculpted and firm, as if he spent many hours in the gym making his exterior as strong as his interior had to be when he was a child. But it was his eyes that were the same. They still held the love that she had felt from him all those years ago, but mixed in with the adoration that was shining at her, was pain and a little bit of panic. She grappled for anything to guard her heart against him.

“How do you expect me to believe that? It’s been ten fucking years, Sam! I sat around this campground for months like a pathetic loser. It took me a really, really long time to finally let you go.”

She told herself to reign in her anger in hopes not to sound desperate. But wasn’t she though? She had been desperate for him since the night he was driven away from the campground for the last time. Every cell in her body had ached for him every single day she went without his smile. Apparently the decade that spanned between them wasn’t enough to quell the love she still had in her soul for him, so she’d resolve to lock the last latch on her heart. But here she was, not being able to walk away from him, despite the fury she felt in her veins.

Prying his gaze from her mouth and up to her eyes, Sam still couldn’t believe that she was here, flesh and blood, standing in front of him. All of the mental pictures he had held captive in his brain over the years didn’t even come close to what she was in the flesh. None of the longings he’d suffered thinking of her equaled the desire that speared through him now. Needing to close the distance between them, he strode toward her.

“But that’s just it! I cared so deeply and wanted you too much! Ever since we were kids I knew I didn’t deserve to have you. I had already caused you so much pain and I couldn’t bear having you continue to be mixed up in all of my shit. Damn it Liv, just let me explain! I want you to know the truth! I read those letters you sent me every single day, and it fucking killed me not being able to write back to you to explain.”

Olivia flinched as though he had slapped her.

At Sam’s admission, her eyes blazed fire that burned straight down to his gut. He paled, and could see she was doing her best to keep control of her anger, but it was boiling right below the surface. He held his breath as she worked up the nerve to respond.

“You read my letters?” The words sounded as if they were being scraped across nails as they left her lips.

All he could do was nod in resignation.

“You read my pathetic, pleading letters, simply asking you for one small explanation. Just wanting to know if you were ok. You couldn’t give me that? You had the audacity to ignore them? After everything we went through. To completely reject me as if I were nothing, as if my concern for you didn’t matter. You chose to ignore them?” Her voice came out strong as steel, and all he felt in that moment was shame.

He sucked in a breath and took a cautious step toward her and whispered. “Please, Liv. I know I hurt you.”

Whatever else he was prepared to say froze on his lips as her eyes flashed to his in an instant. They were blue smoke, and in them were emotions that swirled that were painful to watch.

“You have no idea what you did to me.” Her words were hardly more than a whisper and left him battered.

“No idea,” she repeated. “I loved you with all my heart, with everything that I was, and you shattered it. Shattered me. No, don’t.” She sucked in a breath and went stiff as he reached out for her. “Don’t touch me again.”

He let his hand hang in the air for a moment before dropping it to his side. “You have every right to hate me. I’m only asking that you let me explain. Please.”

“It’s not that simple!” She shouted as she threw up her hands. “Do you really think anything you could say would make me forget everything that happened because you’re standing right in front of me looking even better than you did when you left?”

She turned and walked toward the water’s edge, willing herself to stay calm.

Despite the fact that she was throwing her walls up right in front of his eyes, he marveled at her strength. She’d always been strong, he’d remembered, but she was stronger now, and as distant as the moon that was beginning to rise across the lake. The strength in her voice impressed Sam and reminded him of the girl who was determined to teach him to swim after he was humiliated at the pool on Swim Day.

“That after ten achingly long years I would go all gooey and collapse into your arms?” She stopped herself, realizing that she was desperately close to shouting and losing whatever small grasp of control she had on her dignity.

“I do have a right to hate you,” she said with more calm as she turned to face him once more. The view of her stunning face framed by the beauty of the lake behind her caused Sam to suck in a breath. “I could tell you that you broke my heart and I put it back together with a lot of time and effort. And that would be true. But I can offer you one more legitimate truth: I no longer have a heart where you are concerned.”

He waited a moment before he could be sure that his voice wouldn’t shake and would be as even and cool as hers. The realization that she could have truly latched the lock on her heart to him caused his panic to rise, scrambling to find his footing and remind her of the deep bond they had shared.

“You want me to believe that you feel nothing? After all those years of friendship, all of the times we held each other, the devotion we had for each other. You truly feel nothing?”

“It only matters to me what I believe.” She wouldn’t allow him the satisfaction of the truth, coaxing her to lift her chin just a fraction of an inch higher.

He turned away and buried his hands through his hair in frustration, amazed that he’d wanted to be close to her for so many years but now desperately needed distance.

But she was right. Time passes. People change. No matter how much love he had in his heart for her couldn’t turn back the clock and blink away the years. Still, he wasn’t going to let his past dictate his future, especially when it came to her. He wanted her more than anything he’d ever wanted in his entire life. And for that reason alone, he was going to fight for her, no matter how hard it would be.

“If you’re telling me the truth about your feelings, then hearing me out shouldn’t be a problem. Please let me explain everything to you.” She simply stared at him unimpressed.

“I owe you answers. I want you to have them, then you can do with them what you will. Hate me, forgive me, drown me in the lake. But please trust me when I tell you that why I disappeared had everything to do with my love for you,” his emerald eyes pleaded.

Olivia looked him straight in the face, her eyes like ice. They had always been able to communicate without words, and despite the decade that stretched between them, she tilted her head minutely and realized that special piece of their relationship hadn’t changed. It was still there. She could read the emotions he wasn’t saying with words, written right there in his eyes.

There was indeed still love there, begging her to see there was a deeper reason why he never returned. But not having the confidence in herself to be able to recover from opening her heart to him again, only to have it shattered once more, she didn’t think she had the strength to let him back into her life.

“I trusted you once, and believe me, I won’t make that mistake again,” she said coldly as she brushed past him.

Her life had been flipped upside down when he’d left her. She didn’t want to feel as if it had been righted again by his return. If anything, he’d completely skewed it into a direction that she wasn’t expecting. But this time, it would be up to her to control the way it turned out.

As she reached the top of the hill leading to the walkway that would take her back to her own cozy cabin, she turned and gave him one last glance. He stood facing the water, his silhouette framed by the setting sun, illuminating him in the light that he had always fought for when they were kids. But now, instead of that sweet young boy stood a tall and hardened man, who in the fading sun looked utterly alone.