Chapter Eleven
He shifted on the beduntil our hips pressed together, twisting his torso to face me. I could read the conflict on his face, in his eyes. They probably matched my own.
“I need you to tell me to get the hell out of here because I suddenly don’t have the strength. If you don’t tell me to leave, I will taste you. And I know it’s not what you want.” His words echoed in my mind, reminding me of something similar Whist said once upon a time.
I gulped past my dry throat. “It’s not what you want either.”
He leaned in, his midnight eyes ripping away my barriers. “We have to fight this.”
“I know.” My breathing deepened and my head felt heavy.
His words brushed against my lips. “I’m having a hard time remembering why at this moment.”
“So am I.”
“Tell me to go.” He whispered the words, low and soft.
My stomach clenched and my nipples hardened. “I can’t.”
His scent of sun-warmed stone and lavender teased my nose. “Fuck. You’re killing me. I can smell your need. And everything within me is demanding I satisfy it.”
The faces of Whist, Aster, Saber, and Sky ran through my mind and gave me the strength to leap from the bed on trembling legs. Knowing them, they’d welcome another kindred into our lives if it was what I wanted, but I refused to do anything without discussing it with them first. It wasn’t fair to them.
And Bastian still mourned his wife and child. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want me. We could be stronger than the bond. We had to be. I wouldn’t ruin our burgeoning friendship by giving in to the lust riding us.
“I need you to leave. Please.” My words sent rippling pain through me, but I forced them out anyway, keeping my back to him.
“Thank you.”
“Yeah.”
I collapsed onto the bed once he left, breathing hard and digging the heels of my palms into my eyes, the papers I’d written my song on crinkled beneath me. It had been this difficult with the others, but they hadn’t been fighting it like Bastian was, like I did. I thought it’d be easier with both of us denying the connection.
I hated feeling out of control, hated the feelings it gave me for virtual strangers based on whatever the force or fate decided would make us work together. He’d already had a great love like my parents had. It was proved possible over and over that love could be found on our own.
A knock tapped at the door. I rolled off the bed and went to answer it, opening it wider when it revealed Kira standing there with a smile.
She strode into the room. “Bastian sent me to keep you company. Is everything all right? He seemed... disheveled I guess is the best word. Unusual for him.”
I shut the door with a soft snick. “We’re both struggling with the bond.”
“Ah.” She sprawled out on the sofa with a nod of understanding.
“Zelda’s your kindred, right?” I walked over to set next to her.
“Yes.”
“Did you accept her right away?” I asked.
“Pretty much. Why are you two fighting it? Do you not like him?”
I debated how much to say. There was no one else to talk to here, but I barely knew her, as kind as she seemed. “I don’t really know yet. But he’s not over losing his wife, we’re from different countries and both have responsibilities there. And I already have four kindreds I need to return to. Also, I have a bad habit of fighting each one. I don’t like being pushed into relationships and so I balk until I’m convinced it’s my choice.” I spilled out way more than I meant to.
She sighed. “I get that. Sometimes it does chafe, feeling like we don’t have much freedom. But I love my kindred. Completely. Without the bond, we wouldn’t have found each other, much less tried a relationship.”
“It’s the same with my kindreds.” I huffed a small laugh. If they hadn’t been my kindreds, I’d be dead.
Kira’s brow furrowed. “Then why do you think it can’t be the same with Bastian?”
“Well, for one, he doesn’t want to be with me either. Two, I won’t do anything without talking to my kindreds first. And three, he wants to stay and I want to go.” It seemed obvious to me. And to Bastian.
“And did your other kindreds have similar difficulties?” A knowing twinkle flickered in her blue eyes.
“Yes.” I paused a moment, choosing my words with care. “They had a life they were willing to give up to keep me safe. I didn’t want to be safe and I didn’t want to be the reason they sacrificed everything.”
“And I take it, you found a way to make it work?”
“We did. Or, we were finding a way before I was separated from them.”
Kira winced. “I can’t imagine being forcibly removed from Zelda. It would kill me.”
“I certainly don’t recommend it.” I pulled my legs up onto the couch, folding them under me.
“You should talk to Marcus. Or Bastian should.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“He and his kindred decided they weren’t right for each other and parted ways. Marcus is still alone, but Jena is pregnant with her second child with her husband.”
“What’s their relationship like now?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Friendly, but not close.”
“How did they do it? Every time I’m near Bastian...” I trailed off, cheeks burning.
Kira laughed. “You want to jump him?”
I picked at an errant string hanging from one of the bandages. “A little. Yes.”
“It’s probably harder on you because your other kindreds aren’t here to temper it. I can’t believe you have five. That’s almost unheard of. Most of us only find one or two.”
“With the countries so separate, it’s a wonder kindred soul bonds haven’t completely died off.”
Kira pursed her lips. “Interesting. You certainly proved it by coming here and bonding straightaway.
I snorted. “I sure did.”
She sat forward, her expression intense. “All right. I need to know something.”
“Okay.” I drew out the word, a little nervous.
“So you spent your career performing songs that basically denounced the kindred bond. But then you meet your kindreds and end up accepting them? Not judging, but I’m wildly curious how it all came to be.”
I chuckled and then told her the story of how a traveling bard met three assassins. How they made me rethink everything I believed. How they were already a family who embraced me without a single qualm. How they banished the loneliness I’d been tormented by for so many years. How they still gave me a choice even though they wanted the bond more than anything. How they supported my music and rebellion, willing to leave their lives behind so I could continue my mission. How I began to believe fate had a hand in bringing them to me and me to them.
I left Aster out of the story, unable to tell it in a way without giving away too much information. “I was never against kindred bonds. I just believed they weren’t the only option and hated that our laws made it illegal to marry anyone else. So many people never find theirs or regret them. Your country has it right.”
Kira nodded. “If it worked with them, why couldn’t it work with Bastian? There’s always a way.”
She really was not giving up on the idea. Bastian warned me his people would react this way, but I hadn’t completely believed him or understood.
“You’re forgetting he doesn’t want this either.”
“I think he’s more afraid of allowing himself to love again and then risk losing it. You are dangerous to him. Especially since you put yourself at risk with your music.”
I rubbed my chin, almost laughing as I remembered a similar conversation with Elora about Aster. The difference was if I decided I wanted the bond with Bastian, he’d still need to be convinced, and I wasn’t altogether comfortable trying to change his mind.
Kira patted my leg. “Think about it. Not all of us are lucky enough to find five men to worship us.”
I snorted, but couldn’t deny that was exactly what it felt like when I was surrounded by my assassins. Worshiped. And it wasn’t the worst feeling.
“Now. Bastian mentioned something about a new song. I want to hear it.”
I smiled, happy with the subject change. “Do you play or sing?”
She shook her head. “I sing, but can’t play anything.”
I gathered the crumpled papers and handed them to her. It was still pissing a few notes and needed to be completely rewritten without all the scribbles and scratched out words, but it was enough she should be able to follow along.
We spent the rest of the afternoon singing and putting the final finishing touches on the song. Her voice was lovely, a perfect match to mine.
Bastian still hadn’t returned by dinner time, so I joined Kira and the rest of the dragon squad, trying to ignore the splinter sinking into my heart at his absence.
It was better this way. Indigo arrived the next day, and I’d either be in major trouble, or I’d be on my way back home to my kindreds.