Chapter Thirteen
He swept me out ofthe chair and laid me out on the table in the middle of the books, piles toppling over around us. I gasped as he formed his mouth to mine, his tongue sweeping inside, claiming me, branding me with heat and want. My legs fell open so he could settle his body against me as he ravished my mouth.
What was he doing? What did this mean?
I slid my hands along his arms up to clasp the back of his neck, pulling him closer, rocking against the hard length pressed against my center. My head buzzed and fogged up with lust and need, my heart speeding up and clanging in my chest.
Bastian tore his lips from mine and I mumbled a protest, but he ignored me, pressing searing kisses along my jaw to my neck. His hands slid up my sides from my hips to my breasts, taking my tunic with him until he revealed my entire torso to his gaze, the fabric bunched up around my neck.
A groan rumbled from his throat and he latched his mouth around one of my nipples. My back arched, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, heat spiraling through me, spreading until it became a raging inferno only he could quench.
He took my lips again, something desperate in his kiss, his scent of ink and leather and parchment imprinted on me. “Fuck, I can smell how much you want me. Holding back is driving me crazy.”
“Then don’t hold back.”
His snarl vibrated through me and he shoved a hand down the front of my pants, right into my wet heat. We groaned in unison as his fingers filled me. We were messy and wild and desperate, hands roaming and clutching, mouths and teeth reaching whatever skin they could. My body vibrated with desire and relief, finally able to touch my fifth kindred, my dragon. The connection between us fueling us to go faster, harder, for more, more, more.
I always wanted more with my kindreds. It was never enough. I would never have enough.
Bastian’s thumb brushed against my clit while the rest of his hand pumped inside of me and I fell, shattering into pieces. When I came back together, I reached for the waistband of his pants, wanting more of him inside me, wanting all of him.
But he stepped back, horror on his face.
The last tendrils of lazy lust vanished, and I sat up, yanking my tunic back down my body to cover myself. “What’s wrong?”
He stumbled back another step. “This. Us. I can’t do this. I told you I couldn’t do this.”
I narrowed my gaze on him as I fixed my clothes and hopped off the table. “You kissed me, dragon.”
He winced. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on. But this can’t happen. Not ever. I’m sorry. But I still love my wife. And as much as I crave you, I can’t. It’s not fair to you. I can’t give you more than friendship.”
Disappointment and understanding waged a war inside me. “I understand. I know. I’m sorry too. I should have stopped you.”
Bastian shook his head. “None of this is your fault. I wish I could let her go and join your family. But I can’t.”
“I know.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Fuck, sometimes I hate the kindred bond. Sometimes I hate her. Sometimes, I hate you.”
I jerked back, sending another pile of books crashing to the table.
He held up his hands, his face stricken and horrified. “No. Sorry. Not like that. But you make me want you and it’s hard to fight. Especially since you’re...” Bastian trailed off, looking torn and confused and tortured.
“Since I’m what?” I asked. He was confusing and frustrating. I wanted to help him and respect his choices, but he hadn’t seemed to actually make one yet and stick to it.
“Since you’re fucking amazing.” He ran a hand through his hair. “And in some ways, you’re a better fit than my wife was, and it makes me a disloyal bastard for even thinking it. She never had any interest in history or books or research. She wanted to spend her time training in weapons and warfare. The only thing we had in common was our love for each other. And it was enough. But meeting you and seeing how things could be with a kindred, with someone I have things in common with, who sees the world like I do... it’s too much.”
“Do you want to return to the dragon lands?” I almost wanted him to say yes. Having him here when I couldn’t have him was too hard, too much. Especially with everything else going on.
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” He sighed. “We need to get this stuff cleaned up and get back. It’s much later than usual. Your kindreds will be worried. We can talk about this later.”
I fought back tears as I gathered up the books and papers and carted them over to the hiding spot, keeping the journal set aside to take back with us. One that looked even older caught my eye and I opened it, my heart skipping a beat at the title. It was a history of the laws that dated back to the mad king. I piled it on top of the journal. Two old dusty books shouldn’t cause any problems if they disappeared for a day or two.
If I could throw myself into research, maybe I could forget what it felt like to be in Bastian’s arms. What it felt like to be kissed by him. What it could feel like to be loved by him.
“Ready?” Bastian asked, clearing his throat.
“Yeah.”
He blew out the lantern, casting the library back into shadows, and we zigzagged through the aisles, guided by the moonlight shining through the ceiling.
The halls were empty as we returned to our rooms where all four of my kindreds waited for us, anger stiffening their shoulders, arms crossed, scowls on their faces.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Saber asked.