Kindred Spirit: Book Five of the Bound Spirit Series

Chapter 7

Felix

Dave groans as my Yoshi punts his Solid Snake off the platform for the final time, giving me the win for the match. “Dude, when did you get so good? You don’t even own a Switch. I had to bring mine over.”

“Naturally gifted,” I answer with a tight smile, my heart racing because it’s another thing that makes me different from the original James. Pre-ghost me played all the different variations of Super Smash Bros. for years, but I certainly can’t tell him that.

Both of us are sitting on my bed with our backs against the far wall, leaving me in easy reach for an elbow to the ribs. “Unless a concussion suddenly makes you gifted at video games, I call bullshit. Shouldn’t you be worse since you can’t remember anything?”

“It’s all about instinct,” I taunt with a superior grin, relieved that we’ve reached the stage of making fun of my supposed amnesia. Razzing friends is something I’m far more comfortable with. “No memories means I can’t think too hard about it. Wasn’t that your advice when I pitched my first game back?” My right hand does a wave type motion. “Just let it flow.”

“It worked, didn’t it?” he challenges while he flicks through which character he wants to play next. “It may not have been your best game, but your pitching wasn’t too bad. We won, after all.”

“High praise,” I reply with an eye roll, choosing to leave out that the game had a lot more to do with trying not to trigger Callie’s PTSD—more strikeouts meant less sounds of the bat hitting the ball—than his sage words of wisdom.

“Well, you did walk like three people at the beginning of the game.” He snorts and shakes his head. “You pitched so wide you might as well have been aiming for the fence.” He gives me a friendly nudge with his shoulder. “Don’t worry too much. You’re improving with each game. Soon, you’ll be back to your old self.”

“Yeah,” I respond in a flat tone, my expression falling as all the humor drains out of me. This is why I find it so difficult to be around Dave. He wants his old friend back, and I’ll never be him.

“I didn’t mean it that way.” He sighs, bumping the back of his head against the wall. “I just meant that you’ll get back to the skill level you were before the accident.”

Pretending to be engrossed in choosing my next character, I offer up a neutral, “Yeah, I know. It’s fine.”

Dave tosses his controller onto the bed, causing it to bounce toward the pillows, and scrubs his face with both hands. “Dude, I’m trying.”

“It’s fine, really,” I assure him, although I know it doesn’t sound convincing. Placing the controller down far less aggressively than him, I release a deep sigh and look over at him. “It’s okay to miss him. I mean me. Old me. Fuck, you know what I mean.”

He drops his hands to his lap but doesn’t meet my gaze. Instead, he chooses to stare at my dresser across the room. “If it’s okay to miss old you, then why does it feel like a fuck up to mention anything before the accident? Why are we only hanging out now?”

Pulling my legs up, I wrap my arms around my knees. My thigh muscles are like tree trunks now, so I don’t collapse down into as small of a ball as I used to. “It’s… hard to be compared to him. You were his best friend. You knew him better than everyone.” I examine his profile, taking in the bumps and valleys of his face. It’s not hard to see he’s classically attractive, with a strong jaw, sharp nose, and all that, and I wonder if James ever looked at him as more than a friend. Does Dave know about the box under the bed? “I’m never going to be him,” I continue, deciding to lay it all on the line. “This is what you get, and it sucks knowing that’s disappointing to a whole lot of people.”

He jerks like I hit him, and with wide hazel eyes, he meets my gaze. His words jumble out of his mouth as he denies my statement. “I’m not disappointed. Your family isn’t disappointed. We’re all happy you’re alive.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t happy I lived,” I reply, the not quite a lie awkward on my tongue. James died, but since I’m running around in his reanimated corpse, he also isn’t dead. “You can be happy and still be disappointed that the person you knew is gone.”

He swallows heavily. “Do you… Do you hate me for what happened?”

Sighing, I lean back against the wall. “What happened wasn’t your fault, so no, I don’t hate you.” I leave out the fact that I don’t have many feelings at all since I barely know him. “If I’m mad at anyone, it’s him. I mean, old me. Whatever. He chose to drive drunk. It’s no one’s fault but his.”

Dave shifts until he’s sitting cross-legged, facing me. “You really don’t see yourself as the same person, do you?”

I shake my head and finally say something completely true. “We’re not the same person. The James you remember is gone. It’s just me now.”

His grief drags on his shoulders, the weight of his loss bowing his back as he leans on his thighs. He’s quiet as what I said settles into him, the words snuffing out all remaining flames of hope.

A familiar feeling of guilt worms within my gut, and I murmur, “I’m sorry you lost your friend. From what I can tell, he was a pretty good guy.”

He looks up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “So you don’t remember anything? Nothing before the accident?”

“I know who the president is and how to cook a pretty decent grilled cheese, but nothing that relates to me.” I motion to the room at large. “Nothing about this life.”

His expression is pinched, and strands of his light brown hair fall across his forehead as he shakes his head. “If you don’t remember anything, then why are you hanging out with Campbell and his friends?”

“Besides the fact we’re all dating Callie?” I counter with a bemused smirk.

“Yeah, I don’t get that,” he admits, resting his head on his fist with his elbow on his knee. “Why go for a girl who has a bunch of other boyfriends when you can date someone who only wants you? From what you said, I get not wanting to date Bree, but there are plenty of other people.”

“Because I love Callie,” I answer simply, a warm glow filling my chest as I think about her.

He tilts his head to the side and looks at me strangely. “You really do, don’t you?”

“Yes, and she loves me back.” I stretch out my legs and cross my arms over my chest. “It’s not that crazy of a concept.”

“No, it’s not that. You’re great. She’s lucky to have you,” he insists, but his words are diminished by his awkward shifting and lack of eye contact. “I just thought you were getting close to her to get back with…” His words trail off as he peeks up at me and my growing frown. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. You don’t remember. You’re into this girl. Congrats.”

“Get back with whom?” I ask, even though there’s knowledge coiling in my belly—evidence of the truth sitting in a box under my bed.

“Look, you said it yourself. You’re not the same guy,” Dave backpedals, sitting up and holding his hands up like he’s warding me off, even though I haven’t moved. “I’m guessing that’s why he didn’t say anything.”

“Who’s he?” I ask again, needing him to say his name… needing to be sure.

“Campbell,” he answers in defeat. “You used to have a thing with him before Bree. Supposedly, it was casual.”

It feels like the world bows beneath me, and I’m free-falling. Nolan lied to my face. He pretended he and James were merely lab partners when they were so much more. Under a heavy breath, I mutter, “Supposedly?”

“I got the impression that you were more into him than he was into you.” Dave crawls over until he’s sitting next to me and rubs the back of my neck as I close my eyes. “Breathe, dude. That was a different life, right?”

“Right,” I wheeze as my mind tries to find some justification for Nolan not telling me. Maybe… Maybe it isn’t what I think it is. Maybe they didn’t really do anything, and James thought it was more than it was. “When you mean they—we were casual, what exactly do you mean? Did we just hang out a lot or something?” I open my eyes long enough to catch Dave’s pained grimace and know I’m not going to like his answer.

“If by ‘or something’, you mean you lost your V-card with him and continued to be friends with benefits for like a month, then yeah, it was ‘or something.’” He releases a shuddering sigh like his breath is fighting to break free under a heavy weight in his chest. “There’s something else you should probably know.”

“There’s more?” I squawk, turning to look at him with rising panic fluttering inside me.

“It’s not a big deal or anything,” he assures me, but his tight expression seems to argue the opposite.

“If it isn’t a big deal, then why do you look like that?” I ask while crossing my arms over my chest, because I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Dave pulls back, dropping both hands into his lap, and tries to school his features. His mask isn’t as good as Kaleb’s, and I’ve been able to see right through that one since we were kids. “Look like what?”

“Like you’re bracing for me to freak the fuck out.”

This earns me a raised brow and a meaningful look.

“Okay, freak out more.”

“It really isn’t a big deal, but we also did some stuff together before you got with Bree.” He swallows heavily, and then quietly adds, “I’m gay.”

Groaning, I slide down until I’m lying flat on my back on the bed with my feet on the floor. “And by stuff, you mean…”

“Hand job that turned into a blow job,” he answers with an awkward shrug. “You were feeling down and anxious about your relationship with Campbell. I wanted to make you feel better.”

Twisting my head up and back so I can make eye contact, I flash a raised brow of my own. “You wanted to make him—me feel better, so you blew him—me?”

Dave rubs his hands along his thighs and goes back to looking at my dresser. “It made sense at the time, and it was just that one time.”

My anxiety is replaced with curiosity. “If it wasn’t going anywhere serious with Nolan, then why didn’t you two start going out? How did Bree even get into the mix?”

“Too much history,” he answers, his expression shifting the way it does when people recall bittersweet memories. “We didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship, and you weren’t sure if you wanted to be out. I’m not out out, but it also isn’t a secret. I haven’t dated anyone, so it’s never really mattered.”

Holding my hands up in the air, I tick off names on my fingers. “Nolan. You. Bree. Anyone else?”

He shakes his head. “You dated Amber for a little while before Campbell, but I don’t think anything happened beyond heavy making out.”

My arms flop beside me as I stare up at the ceiling, trying to absorb everything. The farthest I’ve gone is kissing, and that’s only been recently, whereas my body has been hot and heavy with three different people! It wasn’t my body at the time, so it shouldn’t matter, but I’m having a hard time convincing myself of that fact. Nolan is the one that bothers me the most, though I appreciate all the weird feelings when I’ve been around him making sense now.

Dave clears his throat and stretches his legs out beside me. “So your girlfriend can date multiple dudes… Does that mean you can date other people?”

“I don’t know,” I answer distractedly, still piecing together what James’s past means for me in the present. “Hasn’t really come up.”

“It seems only fair that you could,” he comments, his voice overly casual.

I turn my head again so I can squint over at him. “Why?”

He opens his mouth, hesitates for a second, and then shrugs dismissively. “No reason. Just curious.”

It’s obvious there is more to it, but I don’t know him well enough to figure out what it is. Choosing not to pry, I shift to look up at the ceiling again and rest my hands on my stomach. “Knowing Callie, I don’t think she’d say I can’t date anyone else. It’s not her style. It hasn’t come up because I only want her.”

“Not even Campbell?” Dave asks in a tone that hints at more than casual interest.

I think about what I’ve experienced since coming back—the weird feelings and growing awareness of Nolan that I’ve never really experienced before. “I can’t say I’m not attracted to him…” I push away the thoughts of how good he smells or how great he looks and try to imagine holding Nolan’s hand at the movies or cuddling up with him on the couch. It doesn’t really do much for me. “But I don’t have romantic feelings for him.” It’s the first time I’ve admitted to any of this, and something eases inside me with this revelation. “My heart belongs completely to Callie.”

Dave pulls his legs up to his chest and wraps his arms around his knees. “Completely, huh? That fast?”

“When you know, you know,” I answer simply.

“Well, I guess that hasn’t changed,” he comments with what sounds like a sigh of disappointment. “You’ve always been an all-in kind of guy.”

We’re both quiet, lost in our thoughts, as the video game menu music plays in the background. It’s kind of nice actually. The guys have been my best friends pretty much forever, but with so much changing around us, it’s kind of nice to talk about some of this stuff with someone who isn’t as entrenched in it all.

“I’m sorry I avoided you for so long,” I state, breaking the silence.

“I get it,” Dave replies, sliding to the edge of the bed and putting his feet on the floor. “You don’t know me. I’m no one to you.”

As he tries to stand, I sit up quickly and grab his wrist. “Just because I don’t have his memories doesn’t mean you’re no one to me. You’re clearly someone, or I wouldn’t have been so weird about it.”

He looks at my hand with an intense expression, but he doesn’t pull away. “Okay, I’m someone, but that makes it worse, right? That’s why you’ve been avoiding all of your old friends.”

“Yes, it is, but…” I release a frustrated breath. “Look, I’m sorry for how I’ve acted for the past several months. It was a dick move. You were hurting, and I didn’t know how to handle that.” He doesn’t appear like he’s planning a quick escape, so I let him go. Rubbing the back of my neck, I speak the next bit to the space between my feet. “I know I don’t deserve it, and I know I’m not him—your James—but I was hoping, maybe, we could be friends. If not, I totally get it. Hanging out with me is probably really hard too, knowing what you know now and—”

He interrupts my continuous stream of babble with a hand on my shoulder. “Yeah, we can be friends, but I want something first.”

My gaze goes from his hand to his face, and a frown forms on my brow when I notice an amused glint in his eye. “What do you want?”

He smiles. “A kiss.”

“A what?” I stammer, jolting to my feet. “But I just told you, I’m with Callie. That’s cheating!”

“Then call and ask her first,” Dave replies, leaning against my dresser. “I promise, it’s just this once.”

“Are you saying that if I don’t kiss you, you won’t be my friend?” I clarify, my heartbeat rattling loudly in my ears.

“I need to see something first,” he answers, his smile falling as his gaze sweeps over my face. “Call your girlfriend.”

Unsure why I’m going along with his request, I take my phone from my pocket and make the call. It rings several times before I hear a breathless, “Hey, Casper. I was just thinking of you. I wish you were here. It’s not fair—”

“I’m here with Dave,” I announce loudly before she can say anything no other human should hear. The last thing I need is for both our memories to be wiped. “He, um, wants me to ask you something.”

“Oh? What’s that?” she asks, the sounds of demolition going on in the background.

“He-wants-permission-to-kiss-me,” I answer as one word, again not sure why I’m not just telling him no.

There’s a long pause before she replies slowly, “Do you want to kiss Dave?”

The sounds of cracking wood come to a complete stop, followed by rumbling noises of male voices demanding an explanation. I internally groan. It didn’t even occur to me that the guys would be around to overhear this conversation.

“Not really,” I admit, unable to look Dave in the eye as I say it.

“Then no, he doesn’t have my permission,” she states firmly with a protective edge.

Dave nabs my phone from my hand and puts it up to his ear. “So you’re saying it’s okay for you to kiss other guys, but not James?”

“No, I’m saying that James isn’t going to kiss someone he doesn’t want to.” The protective edge to her voice starts to turn razor sharp. “Why do you want to kiss him?”

“We have history. I want to put it to rest,” he admits, staring directly into my eyes. “It’s the only way we can have a fresh start.”

Some compassion eases into Callie’s otherwise cool voice. “I’m sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you, but I can’t say kissing him is okay when he doesn’t want to kiss you.”

There’s more grumbling, mostly in outrage and possible promises of bodily harm, followed by a growl that could only come from Connor. It’s nice to know they care.

“So if he ever changed his mind and wanted to kiss me, you’d be okay with that?” Dave asks, ignoring said threats of harm.

“It would be unfair of me to not be,” she answers diplomatically after shushing the others. “All I want is his happiness.”

“Me too,” he agrees. “Thanks for clearing that up.” He tosses the phone back to me and rolls his eyes when I fumble catching it.

As Dave moves to start unplugging his Switch, I quickly tell Callie that I love her and will see her later tonight before hanging up. “You’re leaving?” I exclaim, crossing my arms over my chest. “I don’t want to kiss you, so that’s it? You just leave?”

“No, I need to get home to help make dinner,” he answers, smiling over his shoulder. “Although it’s good to know you care.”

“I literally just said I did,” I grumble, stubbornly refusing to help. “So are we friends or not?”

He neatly rolls the cables and places them into his nearby backpack. “Yeah, we’re friends.”

Feeling relieved and confused, I plop back down on my bed. “If you were going to be my friend either way, then why did you make such a big deal about the kiss?”

Taking the few steps over to the bed, he reaches over me to grab one of the controllers. “Because you need to know you have options.” His grin becomes wide and flirtatious. “And I’m one of them.”