King of Players: An Opposites Attract Romance (Billionaire Kings of New York Book 3)

9. Deeper into My Mind

nine

Kaira

Who could I possibly talk to? My ability to maintain my privacy had once been a source of pride; it was now nothing but a chest-tightening burden. I wished I had the ability to just call up a girlfriend, take her out for drinks, and vent away about the deadlock in my mind.

I simply wasn’t capable of doing that like a normal person. Whatever ‘normal’ meant. But once I had been naked with a man, that was who I talked to whenever my feelings or thoughts about him became too tangled. Only trouble was; Chad wasn’t a boyfriend, and what happened with him was in no way an ordinary occurrence in my life.

Everything about yesterday haunted me like a dark cloud, hovering over my head as I tried to perform the simplest of tasks. At the office, I made sure that Chad couldn’t reach me, as if things could have gotten any worse if he had. I powered through the morning with the aid of coffee, energy drinks, and a lot of mindful breathing. Too much mindful breathing. When it was time for lunch, however, I barely stopped myself before asking my assistant a leading question regarding her personal experience with casual sex.

‘Casual sex’, what an alien concept that I never managed to comprehend. How could people simply entrust a complete stranger with the most private, vulnerable aspects of themselves? How did the soul-baring intimacy of lovemaking turn into a spur-of-the-moment activity that carried nearly no weight at all?

And if that was the norm, then what was wrong with me?

Halfway through lunch, I broke my own rule and pulled the phone out of my pocket, searching in panic for Marvin’s number. I couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped my lungs when I found it, launching the text window and typing; Good afternoon, Dr. Rogers. It’s Kaira Bradley. Long time! How about a catch-up session? Do you happen to have a free slot today?

I let the message float in the cosmos while I continued to soldier through my lunch, sans appetite. The chaos of new and old feelings colliding; the collision between what was right and what felt amazing. Everything I was feeling in my head and body was a sure sign that I needed the therapist that my grandmother had hired for me when I had lost my parents in the car crash many moons ago.

Once again, I sought grounding and a logical approach to untangle my thoughts and reclaim my peace.

Mindlessly in attendance—but not genuine in presence—of my last meeting for the day, I caught a blink on my phone and immediately grabbed it. Marvin had responded to my message by informing me that he would be waiting for me at seven o’clock in his office.

Same address. Same décor. A twenty-nine-year-old Kaira with an entirely new problem to solve.

“I made a mistake. By my measure, it’s a mistake.” That was how I started the session. “I slept with a man I don’t know. And generally, I wouldn’t even be interested in knowing him.”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Interested to know him?”

“No.” But then I paused. I didn’t want to know Chad, did I? My curiosity with regards to how I had reacted to him was the reason behind me being here. Right?

“You’re contemplating your answer in retrospect, aren’t you?” Marvin insightfully asked.

Slowly nodding, I knew I had to explain. “Marvin… I’m finding it a little strange to talk about this with you.”

“That’s fine,” he said in a soothing voice. “Take a minute.”

“I—He’s not the type of man I’d usually date.”

“But there must be an explanation as to why you wanted to sleep with him.”

“I didn’t. It—It just happened.”

“But right before it happened.” Leaning forward, he pinched his fingers together and narrowed his eyes. “The moment when you made the decision—conscious or unconscious—to jump in. How about we try to go back to that? Isolate it and look at it, as if under the microscope?”

I sighed, somehow feeling the weight of going back to face the shame that the memory cast within me. “Well, I’d been drinking.”

“How much?”

I shrugged. “A couple of glasses of wine?”

“We can’t blame that, can we?”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I leaned back in my seat. “No. No, we can’t.”

“Good. What else?”

“It was dark by my pool. The only light came from the spotlights underwater.”

“Okay,” he whispered.

“He came over. I didn’t move. He kissed me first.” I paused. “And I let him.”

Marvin nodded, an invitation for me to carry on. “I think that was the moment.”

“So, up until that moment… you had never kissed a man without a decision to sleep with him.”

“I never kissed a man without knowing him to some extent,” I explained. “Without seeing something there, and the intention to create a bond somehow.”

“Okay. So, you decided to break that rule.”

“Not exactly. The rule wasn’t anywhere near me then. It was like it never existed.”

“Was it, perhaps, his appearance? Would you say he looked… exceptionally attractive to you?”

“He is. I mean, not just to me. He is a very handsome man; he makes a living based on that. Well, partly.”

“Alright. So, we can say that maybe… hormones, brain chemistry, mother nature took over? The evolutionary tendency to—”

“Mate with a physically superior partner?” I interrupted him. “I thought about it. But you know? I’m not thinking of having children at the moment.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Then how?” My frustration seeped through my tone.

“Did you use protection?”

“No. Nothing was planned.”

“Did you take your precautions this morning?”

“Immediately after he left, of course.”

“You had that at home?”

“I had a twenty-four-hour drugstore send it over.”

“You landed on your feet.”

“That’s what’s driving me insane. Before and after the… incident… my head was in the right place. I had my wits about me.”

“But?”

I hesitated, unsure of the words to select. The all-understanding look in old Marvin’s eyes, however, urged me to speak the words as they came, without filtering. “From the second he kissed me to the second he pulled out of me,” I said quickly, as if afraid to stop mid-sentence. “My head wasn’t there. My logic had abandoned me. All the self-preservation, all the caution… everything was out the door when his lips took hold of mine.”

“Took hold of yours,” he repeated. “Interesting choice of words. Why not… the second his lips touched mine?”

“Because it wasn’t like a touch. It was like…” I started gesturing with my hands, searching for an accurate expression. “A claim? A power move?”

“But you enjoyed it, no?”

“I—” I whispered, struggling to push my voice out. If I wanted this to work, I knew I had to be honest. Finally, I confessed, “I did.”

He smiled, tilting his head in the same way my late grandfather used to while listening to me. “How did that feel?”

“What?”

“The… enjoyment. What accompanied it? Can you attach names to the feelings?”

“Mostly it was calm, except for when my logic tried to refute it.” He nodded, so I continued, “It was a sort of bliss… the kind I could only compare to when I had smoked weed that one time in college.”

His smile grew wider. “I remember your grandfather telling me about that one.”

“Yeah, I knew he’d tell you.”

“Okay, so it was sort of a high, right? What else?”

“I think because of that high, I also felt—well, and I’m ashamed to say this—immense trust in that man. I only met him days ago. Can you believe that? Me! A virtual stranger, in my home, the house manager was gone… we were completely alone. I mean, he could’ve done anything to me—”

“But you had a connection.”

I wanted to laugh, but it ended up being a strained, awkward titter. “I wouldn’t go as far as to call it that.”

“You knew he wasn’t going to hurt you.”

“Or perhaps I didn’t care?”

“You’re a lot of things, Kaira. Self-harming is not one of them. And you’re certainly not a masochist.” He paused. “Tell me… what happened after?”

“I was flustered, honestly. I know you’ll think this is completely pathetic, but I don’t think any man has ever made me…” I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, so I looked away, gesturing with one hand. “I’ve never had an orgasm like that with anyone before.”

“Of course, an experience like that takes some time to sink in.”

“It was like I was flying and then suddenly dropped onto cold grounds.”

“Because you didn’t know him well?”

“Because I didn’t know that my body was capable of something like that!” I was starting to grow breathless just thinking about it. “Marvin, I—I… I was so worried that he could possibly see it all over my face. Am I explaining it right? For a moment, I lost all power over my body, my facial expressions, the sounds coming out of me, I… I felt so ashamed.”

“Ashamed of the pleasure that another human being was offering you?”

“No. But because he could’ve easily seen my surprise. My utter shock at how I was feeling. I… That should’ve been a boyfriend. Someone with whom I had conversations. Someone who knew me and cared for me. Someone who could hold me after, and tell me that it’s okay. That it’s normal.”

“But, then… what did he do?”

“He… he asked if he’d hurt me.” I shook my head, softly chortling and throwing my hands in the air as a sign of resignation. “That’s how pathetic I looked.”

“I’m curious. Why do you think he asked that?”

“Because I was so lost inside my own head that I… practically recoiled the second we were done.”

“So, his question was justified.” He paused, adjusting his position in the chair. “Now, let’s imagine a scenario where you could pause and, using a menu and a remote control, rewrite that scene. What would you rather have happened?”

“None of this, Marvin. An experience like that? To see me this vulnerable? It shouldn’t have been given to a stranger at all.”

“But there you were, the two of you. You had just orgasmed. He’s still there. How would you have gone about it differently?”

“Maybe… I don’t know. Maybe act less surprised and afraid? Show some grace? Smile? Kiss him?”

“But you didn’t say that he could’ve held you the way a boyfriend would.”

“What would it have meant if he had? Or if I’d let him? A hug after something like that sounds even more intimate. And I only know his name and profession.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself? Harshly confining the concept of a hug?”

“No, you lost me. What do you mean?”

“I mean, sometimes… in this very messy world, and our crowded lives and minds and tragedies… sometimes, an orgasm is an orgasm. A hug is a hug. And what you need could very well be what you get, without strings attached.”

My lips parted as I pondered what he was saying. Marvin was somehow challenging me, and fully aware that had I been discussing someone else’s situation, I wouldn’t dare consider shaming them. My mind could somehow accept it for other people, but not for myself.

A question stood halfway in my throat, and I felt as though I couldn’t breathe unless I voiced it. “Marvin, do you think my views of love and sex are fucked up?”

His fatherly smile instantly returned. “Skewed, perhaps. A little rigid, if I dare say. But fucked up? That would be too harsh.”

“I want to see him again,” I declared, giving myself a pat on the back for having the courage to say it out loud.

Marvin’s smile stretched into a grin. “So, you are interested in knowing him.”

With the sort of mental struggle I was facing, who knew? Perhaps I wanted to know him. Or maybe I only wanted to know more about the kind of pleasure he had introduced me to.

Either way, I was treading on unfamiliar territory.

And it was both exciting and terrifying.