King of Players: An Opposites Attract Romance (Billionaire Kings of New York Book 3)

13. Disarray

thirteen

Kaira

Thankfully, Chad and I were on the same page about him not waking up here in the morning. After he left, I knew there was no way I was going to sleep. Earning myself an early start, I made some more coffee, grabbed my laptop, and walked out onto the terrace, responding to work emails while I let the caffeine slowly saturate my system, kick-starting every cell.

Yes, I was well aware that overwhelming myself with duties when it wasn’t even seven o’clock yet was a defense mechanism. Something to take my mind off of the chaos that could have easily ravaged my mind if I were to let it. Why had I slept with Chad again? I had always prided myself in my sensibility. That was clearly in the past.

On the way to work, I contemplated the idea that had imposed itself on me since I had been in the shower. As I stepped into my office, my mind was made up. I sat down behind my desk and picked up my phone, texting Marvin that I wanted to see him tonight.

And so it was.

At nine o’clock, I marched into my therapist’s office, tossing my purse onto a chair. “I’m not comfortable with it. Any of it,” I blurted out, aware of how neurotic I must have appeared.

Calmly leaning back in his seat, Marvin placed one leg over the other. “And that would be…”

“Chad. The sex. The whole thing.”

“Already? No more thrill?”

Practically flopping down in the armchair in front of him, I sharply exhaled. “Too much thrill!” I fidgeted, one second pretending to fix my hair and the next, wiping away an imaginary stray lipstick smudge from the corner of my mouth. “He makes me nervous. I don’t like making decisions when I’m nervous. They’re usually the wrong ones.” Sensing the shake that was starting to appear in my voice, I leaned forward and reached for the glass of water on the table between us.

Marvin’s eyes watched me take a long, deliberate sip, no doubt expertly evaluating every twitch of every muscle. He finally tilted his head, as if casually, and said, “By decisions… you do mean sex, right?”

My eyes nearly shot fire, so I repeatedly blinked as I put down the glass. “Yes, Marvin. Yes, the sex. The cheap attitude towards it. The nonchalant, spur-of-the-moment… I don’t like it.”

“Then why do you do it?”

“I—I mean, I like it.” I could feel the blood bubble up in my chest and my stomach tie to knots. Gesturing with my hands, I explained, “I like it while in the act, you see? But the minute it’s over, I’m overcome by shame and self-blame. I’m twenty-nine, dammit, Marvin! I didn’t even do this sort of thing in college!” I paused. “What is this, an early mid-life crisis?”

He coolly chuckled, shaking his head. “I highly doubt that, Kaira.” Looking into my eyes, he seemed to savor the moment of silence. “Don’t you think it’s easier to assume that you’re just catching up on fun you missed out on in your teen years?”

Taken aback by his suggestion, I automatically feared the worst. This was a midlife crisis, in one way or another. “How’s that different?”

“Before you jump to conclusions.” He raised a hand. “Look, Kaira. I’ve seen you on and off at different stages of your life and I know that you’re never one to do something uncalculated—” I interrupted him with a scoff, shaking my head. He pointed a finger. “Now, that’s the teenager in you.”

“Your point being?”

“You’re clearly crossing a threshold to some sort of transformation. Perhaps this Chad guy was the trigger. Or your grandmother’s passing. Either way, I do believe it’s healthy.”

“I’m telling you: I’m uncomfortable,” I insisted. “None of this feels like me.”

“Nobody said that change is easy, or that it doesn’t hurt. Look at it this way; wouldn’t you rather go through this now, while you’re still young and single? Just picture how much worse it would’ve been if you were married. Or if you had met Chad a year ago, when you were the primary caretaker of your grandmother?”

“Now you’re talking cosmic chance?”

“I’m talking possibility.” He leaned forward, his eyes still piercing through mine. “You’re a free woman, and as you evolve and grow out of one phase and into the other… who’s to say that this is a bad thing?”

“My moral compass!”

“Is he married?”

“No.”

“Committed in any way?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Is he… socio-economically inferior?”

“C’mon, Marvin. I don’t care about that.”

“But it does matter. So, is he?”

“No. He’s wealthier than my entire family.”

“Is he… ugly? Rude? Got a gambling problem?”

“No, no, and I don’t think so. I—I don’t know. I don’t know him that well. He certainly has a playboy reputation.”

“And you’re not looking for something serious, are you?”

“Of course not.”

“Then who are you harming? You’re both adults. You’re into each other. And clearly, you have a good time together.”

“Yes, but—”

“Remember the little voices we talked about when we discussed guilt?” He suddenly asked. “Years ago?”

“Yes.”

“Now’s the time to revisit that exercise. How about we try a little experiment? How about you try to let go of your grandmother’s voice in your head that keeps demonizing every self-indulgence and just enjoy new things? As long as they’re not harmful or dangerous.”

“How do I know that he’s not?”

“Well, does he have a criminal record?”

I smiled. “Very funny.”

“Dangerous, how?”

“What if… I’m not…” My hesitation to say the word stood as testament to how truly afraid I was of the prospect. “Marvin, my system is wired in a way that the men I get intimate with are, by definition, men I’m in love with. This experiment of yours may work for others, but for me? What if I start to fool myself into believing that something’s real here? It’s not like that at all.”

“Insightful. I’m proud of you.” Sitting back, he picked up his notepad and pen. “Then it’s time we started working on mindfulness and awareness exercises, shall we?”

Knowing that there was no other quick fix to soothe my anxiety, I nodded in resignation.

***

The next day, I had a brunch commitment with some ladies from the foundation community. The eclectic and interesting group consisted of some women from my grandmother’s church, the wives of some prominent businessmen, and a couple of friends from my college days. The latter were the youngest and the most gossip-inclined.

After we were done eating, it was time to enjoy some ice tea and—for some—a cigarette or two. Natalie, a friend from college, brought out her pack of cinnamon cigarillos, pulled one out, and gave me a sideways smile. “So, how exactly did you get to meet Chad Niles?”

Her question startled me, since everyone had seen him at my party and nobody had bothered to ask then. “A mutual friend; Abel Drakos. Why do you ask?”

Raising an eyebrow like she always did before sharing some dirt, her eyes made a round over the faces surrounding the table. Her mischievous grin preceded a brief chuckle before her gaze returned to me. “Well, since he was at your house…”

“At the party,” I explained.

“Right. The party.” She placed the stick between her lips and lit it up, taking a drag before puffing out the smoke. “My cousin Shania, you know, the divorced twenty-one-year-old?” One of the women rolled her eyes, since none of them had approved the marriage of a college student. Natalie carried on, “She’s friends with one of his… lady friends, to put it nicely.” Fixing her eyes on me, it was as if she were waiting for a response to that. I gave her nothing, so she smacked her lips. “Says he’s been ignoring all of his lady friends, which isn’t like him, except… except when he’s on some kind of quest.”

Amid the laughs and giggles, I let out a sigh. “And that’s interesting… why?”

“Because Makenzie asked Candy, who spoke to Britney, who actually asked him. She said his lips were so sealed he could barely talk at all.”

“I—I’m confused. Why is this any of our business?”

She shrugged, looking down at her fingers on the table fiddling with her lighter. “Well, they all want to get to the bottom of it. And I told them that one of my oldest, dearest friends is a buddy of his. Thought I’d ask if you knew anything.” Her eyes held an unspoken accusation when she finally lifted her hand off of the lighter. “Since, you know… he recently joined the foundation and all.”

Knowing that the simplest twitch wouldn’t go unnoticed by her ruthless gaze, I maintained my composure and the smile on my face. “He joined because, at the party, he did a really good job fundraising. He’s a celebrity, and his charm can’t be denied. We’re not really ‘buddies’, Nat. It’s all business, after all.”

One of the women from the church snorted, grabbing her glass of ice tea with visible envy in her eyes. “Oh, well. I wish I could get him to take care of my business, if you know what I mean!”

Forging shock, I parted my lips and gasped. “Mrs. Kunnings!”

We all laughed while the woman casually sipped on her beverage, shrugging and rolling her eyes like a teenage girl who had just said something naughty.

“I, for one, wouldn’t mind being called a lady friend… if he doesn’t treat me like a lady when nobody’s looking,” Sameera Jones added.

“My God!” Rebecca Patterson exclaimed. “What’s gotten into everyone today?”

I chortled, sitting back and pulling out the cigarette pack from my purse. “Looks like Chad Niles causes more ruckus than I’d anticipated.”

“Speaking of which, did you really not know who he was?” Patricia Zen asked. “Someone said it was quite the interesting scene at the party.”

“I didn’t,” I admitted. “I mean, he did look familiar, but you know me… I barely pay attention to actors’ names.”

Dana Kunnings enthusiastically suggested, “You should really watch ‘Unanswered Questions’. He plays an incredible role.”

Before I could ask what the film was about, Sameera said, “And there’s full frontal for about ten seconds. Del-ic-ious!”

“Oh my God.” My chuckle came out low before I lit up my cigarette. “Right now, I wish there was more than just tobacco in this baby.”

Everyone laughed.

This was the first time this group of women had discussed a man with such zeal. I was beginning to understand that there was a fair amount of danger in a relationship with Chad Niles, given his fame and the fact that women—even the most dignified ones—drooled upon the mention of his name. Not only was I now a ‘secret quest’, but a mere friendship with him started an open, brazen conversation about him naked.

Did I want to be with a man whose private parts were a topic of discussion at brunch?

Nonetheless, when I went home after work later that evening, I couldn’t contain my curiosity regarding his “incredible role” in ‘Unanswered Questions’.

After taking a shower, I slipped into a comfortable pair of cotton pants and an oversized tee. Having waved goodbye to Miriam as she left for the day, I grabbed an opened bottle of wine, a glass, and went into the living room with the desire to be entertained.

Lounging comfortably on my couch, I observed the general atmosphere of the film as it grew warmer and more intimate with every scene. It was a love story, riddled with philosophical questions around the na?ve idealism of human beings and…

And Chad—or his character, Michael—stopped all my thoughts in their tracks when he started to caress Zoe’s lower lip with his thumb. His beautiful love interest soon gave in to an impassioned kiss.

The observation that followed made me feel so… cheap.

Hadn’t he kissed me exactly like that?