15. Introspection
fifteen
Kaira
A few days later, I stepped out onto the terrace with a cup of coffee. My hand touched the cigarette case and lighter in the pocket of my loose linen pants, but stopped as soon as Miriam came out. I saw her eyes make the leap quick enough before she cleared her throat. “Nice weather today. Think we should set up out here?”
Relaxing my shoulders, I held up the coffee mug just enough for my nostrils to catch a whiff of its invigorating aroma. “Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “I think so. After all, we’re discussing Gibran. Nature sounds like the perfect setting.” Turning to her, I smiled. “Did you manage to finish The Prophet?”
“I did,” she proudly said. “I also think I gained just a little bit of wisdom now to tell you that you don’t need to hide your smoking from me. I’m not your grandmother.”
Tittering, I tried to mask the awkwardness. Not only was it bad enough that I didn’t know exactly why the rapidly growing habit was embarrassing, but technically, Miriam worked for me. I shouldn’t have felt the need to hide from her in my own house. “Maybe I’m using you as an excuse to smoke less.”
“Can I bum one off you?” she cheerfully asked.
Pulling the items out of my pocket, I handed them to her while gazing away at the garden. “Knock yourself out.”
I heard the click of the lighter and smelled the smoke. That was when she said, “You know? Not all bad habits deserve to be butchered.”
My chuckle preceded my comment. “Grandma would’ve suspected you were trying to kill me.”
“Sometimes, we all need an outlet. Who would have thought that I’d be smoking out here, in the Bradley house, of all places?”
“Ever tried to quit?” I turned to look at her.
Gazing into the horizon, she shrugged coolly. “Never really wanted to. Do you know how many vices I had to kick to get this job? I used to drink, party, and get high.”
I didn’t even try to hide my shock. “You?” I giggled. “Miriam, really?”
“Yup.” She nodded. “Through my teens and twenties. Man, was I wild.”
“What changed?”
“Well… I had to be responsible. It was either that, or marrying some asshole who could pay my bills.”
“But you’re happy with Jason. Aren’t you?”
A dreamy look clouded her eyes. “He’s the best. Marriage, not so much. But I only tolerate that stuff, because it keeps him in my life. And if you think about it, our jobs keep us apart most of the time. Every time we meet is like a date for lovers.”
My mouth stretched so widely it almost hurt. I couldn’t believe that I never knew Miriam smoked, or that she had been a wild spirit back when. It made me wonder what else I had gotten wrong along the way, while I drowned under layers and layers of work, army-like discipline, and self-control.
“Gee, look at the time!” She quickly picked up the ashtray and put out her cigarette. “I’ll take this in to wash it and start setting up.”
“Leave this.” I grabbed the ashtray. “I’ll have one and then come help you.”
“No need,” she said as she headed back inside. “Everything’s almost ready. It’s not my first rodeo.”
Half an hour later, the ladies from the book club gathered on my terrace, sipping on lemonade and exchanging notes before we began. In a sly attempt to summon Chad-related gossip, I approached Dana and said, “I watched the film you recommended.” Pausing, I gave her a naughty look. “You were right.”
“Oh, you did. You enjoyed it, didn’t you? Hold on.” She extended her neck to look over my shoulder. “Natalie? Natalie, come here.” She beckoned our friend, who came over almost immediately. “Tell Kaira what you told me yesterday.”
Natalie’s eyes gleamed with excitement. “Oh, about Chad?” Turning to me, she rubbed her hands together like a theater witch laying out a plan. “Even though we’ll never know his quest’s name after all… we know what she is.”
Raising my eyebrows, I wished that my heart would stop beating so hard. “Oh?”
“A lady friend of his told Britney, who told Candy who told Makenzie that he was clearly infatuated by some prude—her words, not mine—who turned out to be rather boring after a while.” She paused and sighed, putting out a pitifully fake gaze of sympathy. “Men like him could never settle down with a good woman. It’s really such a waste. He’s sotalented.”
Of course. It was his talent that she mourned. “Oh, it’s a shame.” Smoothing the wrinkles out of my dress, I painted a bright smile on my face. “Well, anyway. Men like him aren’t as wise as our friend Kahlil Gibran. Let’s begin, shall we?”
After a day that I filled with activities on purpose, and a sleepless night despite my best attempts, it was time for my weekly session with Marvin.
“A prude,” I said in disgust. “He called me a prude. Well. I guess I earned it, didn’t I?”
“I’m not pro labels and you know that,” Marvin calmly stated.
“But you’re thinking it. Come on, Marvin. I can handle it.”
“I highly doubt that any man would call a woman who slept with him twice in one week that. My money’s on the twists and distortions that people add to a story as it moves from tongue to tongue.”
“You know?” I dipped my hand into my purse, pulling out an old notebook. “I spent all last night reading through a journal I’d kept from college.”
“Okay?”
Violently opening it, I flipped through the pages until my fingers landed on the one I wanted. “Hear this: Today at the cafeteria, a beautiful man asked me out. Yes, I could only call him beautiful, because the moment I’d laid eyes on him, I felt like I could come just by seeing him naked.” I stopped and raised up my eyes to my therapist, snorting and shaking my head before returning my attention to the page. “Unfortunately, I had to say no. Grandpa’s really sick, and I’ll be spending more time at home now to help grandma take care of him. They need me there for moral support. And what fun would I be with a guy like that if I can’t truly enjoy myself around him? I’ll be constantly worrying and gloomy. He’d think that this is who I usually am, which isn’t true. Maybe when this is all over, I can ask him out myself.”
When I looked up, Marvin’s eyes held a great deal of sympathy. “You never asked him out, did you?”
“Of course not! I don’t even think he went there at all. Maybe he was just visiting. I never saw him again.”
“So, you remember him.”
I chuckled, slamming the notebook shut. “Are you kidding? I still have sexy dreams about him.” I saw him part his lips and quickly held up a finger. “Ah! Don’t say it—I know what they’re really called, I just can’t.”
“Okay, alright.” He chuckled, holding up his hand in surrender. “Now, what’s the point of this? Your point, not what I observed.”
Slipping the notebook back into the bag, I whined, “The point is… I am a prude.”
“That wasn’t it.”
“I—I… a buzzkill? A party pooper? Am I completely incapable of having fun?”
“It just wasn’t the right time. Come on, Kaira. You and I both know that you were forced to grow up too soon. With your parents’ passing, you learned more about death than kids your age. And then, having to be raised by your grandparents—especially your grandmother with her tales of hell and eternal suffering—you became far too responsible before your peers even learned the word ‘responsible’. When your grandfather got sick, you mixed the roles of caregiver and student. You got confused, overwhelmed. You changed majors and never really got the chance to learn who you were or what you wanted.”
“And when he died…”
He nodded. “You felt responsible for your grandmother.”
“I owed her that.”
“Not that much, you didn’t. She was a grown woman; a rich woman with connections and a vibrant social life. You didn’t need to become her partner.”
“Her grief was overwhelming.”
“And what about yours? Wasn’t he the only father you had? Did you even get to process that the way you should have?”
“I’d already had too much to process.”
“I know. The estate, the foundation, your grandmother’s illness… and another cycle began.”
Flopping back against the backrest, I threw my arms in the air. “I’m fucked up! I’m hopeless!”
Marvin’s laughter made me momentarily angry. When I looked at him, he was shaking his head. “First of all, I think this is the first time for me to ever see you swear. It’s progress.”
“I’m glad you find my misery so amusing.”
“My point is; the purpose of retrospection here is learning, not dwelling or tearing yourself down.”
“It is a teachable moment, alright. I’m boring. That’s not tearing anyone down, I’m only stating a fact. What was I thinking getting involved with an actor?”
“Would it have been different if he were a… pilot? A businessman? A government official? Because these aren’t some random examples, these are real life personal friends of mine who lead very exciting, very satisfying sex lives.”
I tilted my head, giving him a dead look. “We’re saying the same thing, then. I’m the problem.”
Looking exasperated, Marvin deeply exhaled, looked away, then looked at me again. “Why did you really end things with Chad? Really… not the excuses you feed yourself so you can sleep at night.”
“I simply can’t live in a glass house, where every little detail of my existence is scrutinized by those who get paid to narrate a celebrity’s life.”
“Really, Kaira. This isn’t book club; it’s therapy.”
“I… I…” I looked away, not even knowing how to phrase it. “I was starting to get excited when somebody said his name.”
“And that’s what you were worried about.”
“And I always had the upper hand with logic, Marvin. The men I—I never had a boyfriend who didn’t love me more than I loved him. Of course, I loved them, but I knew the value I held in their hearts and minds. They knew my worth, and that was enough for me to tread with confidence. This—This is the first time for me to be with a man who’s all that, and… and I didn’t think he took me that seriously.”
“You feel like you were just another one of his conquests.”
“Yes. And I couldn’t live like that. I can’t. I need to feel special. Call me old fashioned, call me a hopeless romantic. But Chad… he kissed me the same way he kisses everyone.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I watched a film of his. I saw him shoot a commercial. It was all the same to him.”
“Yeah, but how can you really tell? I’ve been a therapist for decades, and even I can’t decode something like that. Unless you have some mind-reading powers, which I think… should be declared.” He let out a weak titter.
I felt lonely. So painfully lonely, and if I couldn’t let it out, I feared I would burst into tears.
“Marvin,” I whispered. “I miss him… and that’s not okay.”