Chapter 19
19
HONOR
SIX WEEKS AGO
I might be hiding from Julian.
It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with him, I do, but what happened between us earlier was a really near miss. Sophie’s confession had made our situation seem so much more raw, and the reason why was standing just inside the giant house when I went inside, looking at me through eyes the same color as the ocean churning below on the beach.
What is it about him? Julian Ballard is nothing like the kind of person I imagined myself ending up with.
For years, I’ve been trying so hard in all my relationships, and now, I’m not trying at all. So why, after only a few days, have I found myself hurting more at the thought of saying goodbye to him, than I am from Riley’s betrayal? Does he feel the same way? There have been moments I was convinced he did, and others, like earlier, when I felt like an idiot for even considering it.
The hiss of footsteps over sand makes my heart leap into my throat, but I don’t turn, keeping my eyes trained on the horizon as they draw nearer. There is only one person it could be, and it’s all I can do to not look at him as he sits down beside me, our legs stretched out side by side in the sand, only a foot apart.
How does that small distance simultaneously feel too close and too far?
“Are you hungry?” he asks, his voice a gentle rumble that settles low in my belly. “Do you want me to bring you something?”
Despite my best judgement, I turn. Julian is staring at me. Neither of us looks away.
“I’m okay,” I tell him at last, digging my toes into the sand. “Aren’t you a little overqualified for sandwich delivery?”
One corner of his mouth quirks into a half, self-conscious smile that makes my heart lurch in response. We’ve officially been looking at each other for way too long, and still, I can’t tear my gaze from his.
“If it makes you feel better, I think my CEO days are numbered,” Julian murmurs at last, a hint of embarrassment in his voice. My eyes widen, but he shakes his head, dispelling my outrage. “It’s my choice. I’ve been unhappy for a long time, it’s time to make a change.”
I hate the idea of this man feeling unhappy, even a little. Since the moment I showed up at his door, numb with shock from the texts that arrived only moments before, Julian has gone out of his way to make me feel welcome and comfortable.
“What will you do instead?” I ask, brushing aside the hair whipped into my face by the wind coming off the Pacific.
Julian doesn’t answer at first, tearing his gaze away from mine. We both watch as he lifts a handful of sand, letting the grains fall through his fingers back onto the beach. “I’m starting a nonprofit. To be honest, I’ve come to the conclusion I’ve made more money than any one man should ever have.”
Why do I suddenly want to cry?
“You’re starting a nonprofit?” I croak, incredulous.
His gaze turns to the ocean as he nods slowly in confirmation. “I had the idea a while back, but the ball has just started moving within the last month or two. The goal is to empower smaller, existing nonprofits through investment and give them access to Ballard Enterprises’ resources. I think it’s how the money can do the most good.”
And, with a sudden, horrible burst of intuition, I realize why Riley always spoke so bitterly about her father. She’s his only child. He isn’t married. Knowing my ex-girlfriend, she was counting on every penny of Julian’s fortune becoming her’s. I want to ask him why he didn’t tell me sooner, when I was talking his ear off about my lame event coordinator job at The Healthy Heart Foundation, but for a man whose entire life is about making a lot of money, of course he must be self-conscious about the decision to give it away.
“That’s amazing, Julian. Seriously. I—” I let out a disbelieving little laugh, because who does this guy think he is, being so perfect? “Is it weird to say I’m proud of you?”
He lets out a quiet laugh, lifting another handful of sand and allowing it to fall through his fingers absentmindedly. “Slightly weird, yes, but only because I can’t remember the last time someone said that to me.”
It’s difficult to swallow past the lump of emotion clogging my throat. “Are you going to stop being the CEO of Ballard Enterprises to run it?”
“I have a five-year plan to step back from the business and get more involved in the nonprofit. I’ve been looking for the right director to take charge.” Slowly, his eyes drift from the ocean back to mine, and again, my heart bangs against my ribcage. “Do you want the job?”
My mouth goes dry, and for a moment, all I can do is blink at him, struggling to accept that he really did just offer me what I think he did. “ Uh , I’m, like, pretty ridiculously unqualified,” I finally manage to squeak.
Julian lifts his shoulder casually, eyes sparkling. “That’s one benefit of being the boss. Who is or isn’t qualified is up to me to decide.”
I let out a startled laugh. “But, why me? There have to be tons of other people out there who would do a better job.”
Why am I trying to talk him out of this? This is a literal dream job, the kind of thing I imagined myself doing before the cold, hard reality of adulthood set in.
Julian seems to be thinking along the same lines. “So, you’re telling me you don’t want it?” he asks, lips pulled into an amused smile.
“I do. I don’t think I can, though,” I tell him, wincing. “My life is in Connecticut. My dad is there, my sister’s close by and I have a lease with my best friend, Sophie. It would be really shitty to just duck out.”
Unlike me, Sophie could probably afford the rent on her own without a problem. I know what engineers at my dad’s firm make, and only one year out of college, my friend and I are firmly in different tax brackets.
I’m making excuses, because I know that if I moved here, if I worked with him every single day… I would fall so hard.
Julian listens to me ramble on, his stormy eyes searching my face. “I understand,” he says when I’ve talked myself out. “You would be great, though, Honor. I didn’t get this far in life without having an instinct for these things.”
A gust of wind whips a few strands of hair back into my face. I’ve barely lifted my hand to brush them away, however, when someone else does it for me. My sharp inhale is lost in the sound of the waves crashing onto the beach.
“I’m sorry.” Julian’s hand falls and we both turn, staring out at the ocean, side by side.
What was that?
He touched my hair, and—lord, help me—I’m not sure I’ve had a kiss that has affected me as much as this man’s casual touch. I feel all lit up inside, and even after minutes have passed, I’m hyperaware of the lock of hair Julian resecured, as if I can feel his touch lingering on it.
“Will you drive me to the airport in the morning?” I demand out of nowhere, my chest aching at the reminder that, after tomorrow, I’ll probably never see this man again. It’s silly to ask, especially since it was his driver who got me in the first place, but Julian doesn’t hesitate.
“Of course I will.”
Of course he will .
Unable to help myself, I peek over at Julian’s handsome profile, hungry for every memory of him I can get. In sixteen hours, we’ll return to our normal lives and this time together will be a blip in the timeline. That’s how it should be. So why does it feel like my heart is about to break?
“Honor?” Heat rushes to my cheeks as Julian turns to catch me looking at him. His jaw tightens.
I shake myself. “Sorry. Spaced out.” And I scramble to my feet, brushing sand from my butt and the backs of my legs.
I don’t realize Julian is on his feet, too, until I look back at him, intending to say I’m heading inside. When I find him standing only a few feet away, staring right back at me, the words don’t come.
Why couldn’t we have met some other way?
Why couldn’t I have been older, or he be younger?
Why did he have to be Riley’s dad?
Deciding I need to leave before I do something I regret, like throw myself at him, I turn toward the house. I’ve only made it a single step, however, when a large, warm hand locks firmly around my wrist.
I’m not quite sure how it happens. One second, I’m looking at the house, and the next I’m facing the complete opposite direction pressed against a hard male chest. I have a glimpse of bright, intelligent eyes, and then Julian Ballard is kissing me.
It’s not tentative or teasing. This man kisses me hard , like he’s been starving for it, and I respond automatically, my lips parting for him, and my arms flying around his neck. God, I think I’ve been starving for him too. Days of smiles and laughter, days of growing closer to this person we have no business growing closer to, have brought us to this.
Julian groans as my tongue darts out, skimming over his bottom lip. I want to remember this. If this is the only time, and I know it will be, I need to memorize every single detail.
My body bows with his as we sway on the spot, devouring each other, and a weight drops into my core as I realize what the hard length pressing against my stomach is. He’s hard . He’s hard, and I’m wet, and this has already gone too far but I don’t want to stop.
I’m not sure how long we stand there, holding each other as our kiss fades from a raging storm to slow and reverent, but there is a brand-new ache in the center of my chest when we break apart.
“I had to.” Julian’s voice is so low I can barely hear it above the crash of the waves. “Once.”
I nod in understanding, but neither of us moves to step away. Beneath my palm, his heart thuds heavily, and I can feel his breath with each rise and fall of his chest. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know what I’m doing. Remembering this.
“If things were different, I wouldn’t let you leave,” Julian admits, and the words sound rough, as though he has to work to get them out.
I try my best to smile but can’t quite manage it. “If things were different, I would stay.”