Kitty

Chapter 11Moving Home

11

2002

‘How are you feeling?’ Kitty looked across at her daughter, who was sitting calmly in the front seat. Her navy skirt and embroidered blouse had been carefully chosen and her dark, layered bob painstakingly styled.

‘I’m okay.’

‘You seem okay.’ She kept her eyes on the road, trying to quash the nerves that bubbled in her gut.

‘That’s because I am, Mum.’

Kitty tapped her fingers on the steering wheel as they skirted Clapham Common on the South Circular. She loved having Sophie home from school for the holidays and she loved noticing all the small changes in her daughter. The past two years at Vaizey College had brought out some lovely qualities in her and she’d grown into a sparky but sensitive teenager. Somehow, she seemed to have inherited the best bits of each of her parents: she had her own sporty, warrior-like approach to things, but she also had Theo’s sweetness and loyalty. Kitty didn’t tell Sophie that, of course. ‘I hope Dad and Nikolai do something fun with Olly today – I can always tell when he’s been in front of the TV all day, he has too much energy.’

‘I think Dad said they were going to do an Easter egg hunt around the house and in the garden.’

‘Oh, that’ll be lovely.’ Kitty smiled. ‘You’re not nervous?’

Sophie shot her mum the sort of disdainful look that only a thirteen-year-old could manage. ‘I think it’s you who’s nervous, Mum! But there’s no need. I’ve already told you, think of it like any other Easter lunch, and if it’s ghastly or we feel unwelcome or we change our minds, we do the signal. Which is…?’

‘A cough followed by a fake sneeze.’ Kitty laughed loudly at the very idea.

‘Exactly. And the other one of us will say, “Do you need a tissue?” And if the answer is “Yes”, we turn and run without looking back. We keep the car unlocked and we literally just leg it.’

Kitty giggled again. ‘That’s so funny, I can’t imagine it, but it’s good to have a plan.’

‘Always good to have a plan, Mum.’

‘You’re so smart, Sophie. When I think of myself at thirteen, fourteen… I was a tomboy and a bit… lost, I suppose.’

‘You had a lot going on with Grandma, and I guess Darraghfield must have been quite lonely if you didn’t have a gang.’

Kitty gave a wry smile. ‘I didn’t have a gang, not really.’ She pictured herself and Angus sneaking up to the bedroom for fast, unsatisfying sex. ‘Any boys at school you like?’

‘Plenty.’ Sophie gave a small shrug, as though it were a ridiculous question.

‘But any you really like?’

‘None that I am prepared to tell you about.’

Kitty nodded. Point taken. ‘I mean it – I do think you’re smart, and cool. This trip today would throw a lot of people off-course, but you seem to be taking it all in your stride. I’m very proud of you.’

‘I’m very proud of you too. There aren’t many mums who’d be so lovely about stuff. You could have said I wasn’t allowed to come or sent me on my own…’

‘As if I’d do that! But I can’t pretend I don’t feel a bit weird about it all.’ A blush began creeping across her face.

‘In what way?’

Kitty took a deep breath and considered how best to couch her response. ‘I’ve been kind of dreading today but looking forward to it too, if that makes any sense. I keep thinking about how I’ll feel if Anna doesn’t like you or is mean to you. I’d feel obliged to yank you out of there and it would make things very awkward between Theo and me, which would be a shame.’ She glanced across at her child. ‘And then, ridiculously, I think about what it might be like if Anna likes you a lot and you like her a lot, how that will feel for me, and I don’t want to feel jealous, but you are my baby girl!’ Her voice cracked.

‘I get it.’ Sophie nodded. ‘Either way, you’re in for a bad day.’

Kitty looked over at her, coughed and followed this with a fake sneeze.

‘Mum! You can’t deploy the signal in jest or I won’t know if you really need help!’

They both laughed, and with the radio playing ‘My Sweet Lord’ they drove the rest of the way in companionable silence.

Kitty parked in front of the large Edwardian villa in Barnes, only a stone’s throw from the river. There were already a couple of other cars on the verge.

‘How do I look?’ Sophie pulled her dark hair around her face and smoothed her skirt.

‘You look perfect.’ Kitty sent a silent prayer out into the ether, hoping that it was all going to be all right. Her little girl deserved nothing but love. ‘Are you ready to do this?’

Sophie gave a stiff nod and Kitty knew her daughter’s deep breathing, straight back and silent response were indeed the first sign of nerves.

They trod the path and Kitty stepped forward and rang the doorbell. She heard a dog bark and the yelps and shouts of what sounded like a crowd. It did nothing to alleviate her anxiety. One way or another, this day was going to change things.

There was no time to dwell on that: the front door opened and Kitty found herself staring at Theo and Anna standing side by side, arms touching.

Petite, dark-haired Anna smiled sweetly and lifted her joined hands to her chin, almost as if giving thanks. Kitty immediately warmed to her. Kindness radiated from her face and her whole manner was welcoming. Much of Kitty’s fear melted away. Theo looked nervous and weepy all at once and it was in the silent seconds before anyone spoke that the enormity of the moment sank in. She couldn’t imagine what it might be like for him, properly bringing his daughter into his life for the first time.

Kitty walked forward and tried to keep her voice steady. ‘Hello, Theo! Good to see you. And Anna, so lovely to meet you.’

Anna reached out and took Kitty into her arms in a brief but sincere embrace.

‘You too.’ Anna smiled. ‘I feel as if I know you already, I really do.’ She spoke without malice, without any edge, as if addressing an old friend.

‘Same.’ Kitty nodded.

All three adults turned and stared at Sophie, hovering nervously on the doorstep. Kitty felt a swell of empathy for her girl. This was a big moment.

‘And you must be Sophie.’ Anna took a step forward, reached for Sophie’s hand and guided her into their home.

Sophie nodded, embarrassed, her posture a little awkward; she was, unsurprisingly, overcome.

‘This is quite a day for you, for us all,’ Anna offered softly.

Theo looked at Anna with an expression of pure love, clearly overwhelmed at how wonderful she was being to his daughter, and Kitty knew that it was because of Anna that this day had happened at all. She could so easily have put a stop to it.

‘Hello, Sophie.’ Theo smiled and moved his arms awkwardly, as if unsure whether to hug their daughter or just shake her hand. Again, Kitty felt the pull of guilt that it was because of her that these two were strangers.

‘Hi…’ Sophie hesitated. ‘I don’t really know what to call you.’ She looked over at Kitty, seeking reassurance, and Kitty was reminded that for all her poise, Sophie was still a little girl wary of doing or saying the wrong thing.

‘Whatever you’re comfy with, darling.’ Kitty winked at her. It was permission of sorts; she wanted everything about this encounter at this early stage of the relationship to be as easy as possible for her child.

Theo beamed at her with thanks. ‘Theo is fine,’ he managed, his voice full of emotion.

‘Or Dad-Theo,’ Anna suggested without embarrassment. ‘I know you already have a proper dad – Angus – but as someone who grew up with no one I could call Dad, I can only imagine how wonderful it might be to be able to say that to two people.’

Kitty looked at Theo’s wife and could not imagine growing up without her beloved dad by her side. She was glad that Anna had found a good man like Theo.

Sophie beamed at Anna. ‘Yes, you’re right.’ She looked at Theo and gave a small wave. ‘Hi, Dad-Theo.’

‘Hello, Sophie,’ he repeated, grinning.

Anna placed her hands on Kitty and Sophie’s backs and ushered them in. Kitty took in the grand, square hallway and the gorgeous Alsatian-cross who was scampering around in excitement.

‘Don’t mind Griff, he’s very happy to see you. Now, I have to tell you, the house is bursting at the seams and we are an eclectic bunch, but everyone is very much looking forward to meeting you.’

Kitty held her breath as nerves bit again.

‘I’m looking forward to meeting them.’ Sophie spoke with confidence. ‘And I’m used to eclectic bunches. My family… my… my other family, we’re all really weird.’

Kitty laughed. Yes, we are, darling. We are all weird!

‘Then I think you’re going to fit in just fine.’ Anna laughed too. She winked at Kitty, very much in the way she herself might have winked at Tizz. Kitty read it loud and clear. It’s okay. Between us, you and I have got this.

Their home was welcoming. Chock full of antiques and neat, but still homely. The four walked into the spacious kitchen, where an Easter table was beautifully set with sparkling glassware and polished silver cutlery. The radio burbled away in the background and the sumptuous smell of roast lamb wafted from the range. Anna grabbed a pinny from the back of a chair and popped it on, before pulling a blue linen dishcloth from the range door and wiping her dainty hands on it. Kitty felt an unwelcome spike of inadequacy: Anna was clearly a domestic goddess, a class apart from her own rather average skills in that department.

Kitty noticed the way Anna and Theo constantly looked at each other, touched hands or ran their palm along the other’s arm. It was like a dance of reassurance, where the couple was so in tune, these gestures acted like a battery recharge. She and Angus had never shared anything like that and she felt a flash of longing in her stomach. It looked like a lovely way to live.

‘Now, Theo, you grab drinks.’ Anna smiled at him warmly and turned to Kitty and Sophie.

‘He’s been so nervous, excited. I told him it was all going to be fine – I promised, in fact. And now I’ve met you both, I can see that I was right.’

‘It must have been horrible not having a dad,’ Sophie said, leaning against the countertop with the sleeves of her blouse pulled over her hands.

‘It was, Sophie. I missed him even though I never knew him. I had a big hole in my life.’

‘But you had a mum?’

‘I did have a wonderful mum until I was not much younger than you, but sadly she passed away and so then I had two big holes in my life!’ Anna bent down and petted Griff. ‘I think that’s why it’s so important we make the most of all the people we have in our lives who love us. It’s everything, family.’

‘It is,’ Kitty agreed.

‘She’s so beautiful.’ Anna spoke to Kitty as if Sophie weren’t present. ‘And you have a son, Oliver?’

‘Yes! He’s three and with his dad today – causing mayhem, no doubt.’

‘Please bring him next time – I love the house with children in it. I spend a lot of time with my niece and my godsons when they’re around. There’s something about having little ones here, it makes the house seem alive! And actually, I don’t know if Theo mentioned it, but we’re on the path to adoption, and so one day, God willing, there might be the sound of our own little ones running around!’

‘That would be so wonderful.’ Kitty noted the flicker of sadness that crossed Anna’s face and hoped that her dream would come true; she couldn’t imagine a life without her babies.

Theo handed Kitty a glass of champagne and Sophie a thimbleful. ‘Right, shall we get this over with and introduce you to the masses?’

‘Yep.’ Sophie pulled a face.

‘You know, Sophie, if you ever feel nervous or your thoughts get too much, you should try this trick that my mum taught me.’ Anna put her arm round Sophie’s shoulders and planted a light kiss on the top of her head. ‘It’s called the alphabet game and you have to go round the room, or somewhere imaginary, and think of things for each letter in turn. You concentrate on it and suddenly you find the distraction’s worked and your thoughts are more orderly and you’re much calmer.’

‘So, A for apple.’ Sophie pointed at the fruit bowl. ‘B for bowl.’

‘Exactly. C for custard.’ Anna gestured towards the pan on the range.

‘D for Dad-Theo.’ Kitty joined in.

They laughed. Theo lifted his elbow and Kitty and Anna watched as Sophie slipped her hand through her dad’s arm and the two headed for the sitting room. The two women followed behind.

Anna put her arm around Kitty’s waist. ‘Bless her!’

‘I know.’ Kitty gazed lovingly at her little girl, walking forward with her dad. Dad-Theo.

The elegant sitting room did indeed seem jam-packed with people. Kitty felt the flutter of nerves and was once again quite taken by Sophie’s maturity as Theo proudly walked her around the room, introducing her to Anna’s friends from St Lucia and their twins, and another friend, Melissa, and her two kids. There were cousins all the way from the USA, and an older lady, Sylvie, who grabbed Sophie and kissed her affectionately, and of course Theo’s mother, Stella, whom Kitty had heard a lot about when they were at school but had never met. She watched Stella look Sophie up and down from a distance. Kitty stepped forward to shake her hand. Stella was slender and chic, with killer cheekbones, a slick of red lipstick, and a large gin and tonic in her hand. Kitty remembered her being described back then as very pretty and dead trendy, and she was clearly still formidable, even now.

‘You’re an old Vaizian, I believe?’ Stella said.

‘Yes.’ Kitty swallowed. ‘The same year as Theo.’

‘Of course, of course.’ Stella nodded. ‘Did you know Mr Beckett, Theobald’s housemaster? He was our dear, dear friend, Becks. My husband was a Theobald’s boy, you know, and his father, and many others in our family.’

‘I know who Mr Beckett was, but I didn’t really know him. My cousins were in Tatum’s House.’

Stella had already lost interest and Kitty was struck by how unlike her son she was, in either looks or manner.

‘Kitty, would you like to see my garden?’ Anna asked.

Both women looked towards Sophie, who was standing close to her dad and being grilled by Anna’s cousin Jordan. ‘So, Sophie, I hear you’re at boarding school – is it anything like Hogwarts?’ he asked. ‘Please tell me it is!’

‘Yes, it’s exactly like that.’ Sophie nodded. ‘We have owls deliver our mail and everything!’

‘You don’t?’ Jordan’s mouth fell open.

‘No, of course we don’t!’

Everyone laughed.

‘I think she’s fine.’ Anna smiled and Kitty followed her back into the kitchen and out into the magnificent garden. She gasped to find herself in the beautiful oasis. It was a wonderland of planting, with dainty paths picked across well-kempt lawns, trees arching over ornate iron benches to provide secret shady spots, and terracotta pots bursting with brightly coloured blooms.

‘Oh, Anna, this is so gorgeous!’ She felt quite moved by the cottagey ambience. It was truly lovely. ‘We have a little courtyard in Blackheath, no real garden, but this is something else!’

‘It’s my pride and joy. Here, come and sit down.’ Anna perched on a bench beneath a willow and Kitty took up the space next to her.

‘My family home has a lot of outside space, but it’s much more rugged.’ Kitty thought of the wide sweep of moorland that surrounded Darraghfield, wild and natural. ‘This must be so much work.’

‘It is, but it’s a joy. I grew up without a garden in Honor Oak Park and my mum, oh my word, she loved her plants and she longed for some outside space. I sit out here and think about her a lot. How she would have loved it.’

‘I lost my mum three years ago. It’s hard, isn’t it?’ Thinking about her mum still made Kitty tearful; she suspected it always would.

‘It really is.’ Anna coughed to clear her throat and Kitty braced herself. Anna had obviously wanted to get her alone, had things that needed saying.

‘I can’t tell you how much it means to Theo, to us both, to have you bring Sophie here today.’

‘It was about time.’ Kitty picked at an invisible thread on her trousers.

‘I was so worried about meeting you.’ Anna lowered her eyes. ‘Literally scared!’

‘Oh, Anna, no!’

‘Yes, I was! I’ve always been conscious of the fact that I went to a crappy school and wasn’t part of the Vaizey set.’

‘And I bet Theo’s mum has never, ever mentioned that…!’

Anna laughed. ‘Not once – never!’

It broke the ice. Kitty took a breath. ‘Well, I was worried about meeting you too, partly in case you were off with me, but mostly on Sophie’s behalf – she’s had quite a time of it.’

Anna turned and placed her hand on Kitty’s arm. ‘I have held an image of you in my mind for years – the girl that got away.’

‘Hardly!’ Kitty giggled but was absurdly flattered.

‘Yes, really! And when I found out about Sophie, especially with us going through our own struggles to become parents, it was hard for me.’

‘I can imagine.’ Kitty held her gaze and spoke softly.

‘But then I thought about it and I realised that Sophie is a gift! Not just to Theo, but to me too. And I promise you, Kitty, that I will do my very best to make it work. I don’t want to mess this up and I only want Theo to be happy.’

Kitty looked at the woman who had made her so welcome in her home, a woman who had every right to feel aggrieved at the world, which had taken her parents when she was so young and denied her the chance of motherhood, but that was clearly not Anna’s way. She exuded goodness, like magic. ‘You are quite remarkable, Anna, if you don’t mind me saying. You are lovely.’

Anna reached over and held Kitty’s hand. ‘I will need your help. Can I call on you for advice or if I don’t know how to handle something? I’d hate to do or say the wrong thing.’

‘Of course you can.’ Kitty smiled at her. Her meaning was loud and clear: Anna would always make Sophie welcome, would make it as easy as possible for Theo and Sophie to spend time together, but she, Kitty, would always be her mum.

‘I just want her to like us, to love us!’ Anna bit her lip nervously.

‘I think you’re going to do just fine.’

Anna reached over and plucked a full-headed carnation from a plant. ‘For you!’ She smiled.

‘Oh!’ Kitty held the tender bloom in her fingertips. It was a long time since she’d been given a flower with so much love.

*

After that Easter lunch, a pattern was established, with Sophie meeting up with Theo and Anna once every school holidays, always the highlight of her break. It was a system that lasted right through until she left Vaizey. Anna was brilliant at finding things to do that Sophie would like, trips to the cinema, lunches in greasy spoons, and they even got Theo to go ice-skating with them one Christmas. Kitty was always invited, but never went. She told Sophie that it was because she wanted her and her dad to get to know each other on their own terms, without her in the middle. But if she was being totally honest, there was a tiny bit of Kitty that just couldn’t quite face it, with Theo and Anna being so happy and she still a reluctant singleton. It wasn’t that she was jealous, but rather that it was a sharp reminder of all that she was missing.

It was always Anna who called up and made the arrangements, and Kitty came to look forward to her calls. Once the pick-up and drop-off details had been decided, their conversation invariably moved on to other things – what was growing in Anna’s beloved garden, gossip from Kitty’s job in the art gallery in Blackheath, Olly’s progress through nursery and kindergarten and on into primary school. On occasion they talked about Theo too, especially the ups and downs of his latest housing projects, but most of all they talked about Sophie. She was the glue that bound them, both were so very proud of all she achieved and the young woman she was becoming. They even, late one night, squealed with delight at the future possibility of Sophie’s babies to whom they would both be ‘Grandma.’

Kitty would quite often ask her advice about things. When Sophie phoned home from school and said she wanted to switch one of her A-level subjects and do art history instead of economics, it was Anna’s thoughtful, helpful input that had persuaded Kitty. Angus, on the other hand, had immediately scoffed, making his annoying ‘T’ sound and acting like it was a ridiculous idea.

Sophie’s next bombshell was that she wanted to learn to drive. Vaizey allowed them to learn in their last year, so long as they were over seventeen and had parental approval. Kitty immediately phoned Anna to see what she thought.

‘I think it’s a fantastic idea!’ Anna had enthused.

‘You do? I worry that she’s a bit scatty with anything mechanical, not sure she’s safe.’

‘Yes exactly! I much prefer the idea of her being out on the road in Dorset rather than where we live – the girl is going to be a nightmare and the further from our streets the better!’

Kitty roared her laughter. ‘I had not thought of it like that. You have a good point, Anna.’