Kitty

Chapter 14Moving Home

14

‘Can you believe it – Sophie engaged!’

‘I can, and we do love Greg,’ Tizz cooed.

‘Oh, we do!’ Kitty beamed.

Tizz fanned her chest with a placemat she had grabbed from the table. ‘Is it me or is it hot in here?’ She exhaled through full cheeks.

‘It’s you, honey.’ Kitty smiled at her. The function room of the Crown and Sceptre pub was pleasantly warm.

‘God, Kitty, it’s driving me crazy! Ru is freezing at home. I only have two temperature settings: Arctic chilly or the burning fires of Hades. I have to have all the windows open or I literally feel like I am going to boil. He is constantly closing them and I go nuts and reopen them immediately. I fling the duvet off about fifty times a night and then grab it back. The neighbours must think we’re crackers, shrieking at each other about the bloody temperature! I mean, the man could commit adultery, sell my jewels (if I had any), buy a Porsche, and I’d be like, meh, but he puts the heating up and I turn into the Hulk!’

Kitty bent over laughing and decided not to confess that she seemed to be escaping quite lightly by comparison.

‘It’ll get better, honestly.’

‘So people tell me, but when? Daisy-Belle and Verity call my outbursts a mumapause moment. Good God, Kitty, my rages even have a name!’ She tutted. ‘I am considering going to live in Antarctica or somewhere equally as cold. Norway!’

‘Oh, don’t do that.’ Kitty ran her eye over the buffet table in the corner of the room and arranged the breadsticks in the glass vase, which made the perfect holder. ‘I’ve heard Oslo is glorious, but I would really miss you!’

‘I’d miss you too. Flo said you’ve cut your hours at the gallery?’

‘Yes, it’s not the same with the new owners. I mentioned the other day that I saw a big print I rather liked in Ikea – oh my word, you should have seen the look of disdain that John, the husband, gave me! It was too funny. I’m going to buy it for him for Christmas, for sure!’

‘Oh, you must.’ Tizz paused. ‘So how do you feel about seeing Theo?’

Kitty felt the jump in her chest as her heart skipped. It had been a year since the evening up at Darraghfield when things had got a little out of hand, with her words slipping off a wine-gilded tongue and him letting his guard down. She shivered with regret, as she did every time she thought about that night. The prospect of seeing him tonight petrified and thrilled her in equal measure.

‘I don’t know how I feel really. I’m nervous, of course. I mean, we have had some contact – Soph has sent messages of hello and the usual health enquiries back and forth between us, but it all feels a little awkward.’ She smoothed her hair from her face. ‘Anyway, this is not about me, and it’s not about Theo. It’s about our girl.’

They both looked towards Sophie, who was standing by the door in her pale green silk wrap-dress and grown-up shoes, her arm resting against her beau, greeting their guests with a sweet smile and a welcome hug.

‘Is she pregnant?’

‘No!’ Kitty tutted. ‘Not that I would mind if she was, quite the opposite, but why would you think that?’

‘Just wondered why now? I mean, she’s glowy and her and Greg have been together for centuries.’

‘She’s glowy, Tizz, because she’s happy. They’ve been saving up and busy with the house and all that, and I guess now feels like the right time.’ She felt a little flutter of happiness at the prospect of a baby, but it was highly unlikely. Sophie had career plans and a baby was a few years away yet, if ever.

‘Here come the boys.’ Tizz turned away from the door and pulled a face.

Kitty looked up in time to see Angus and Richard make a grand entrance. It was strange to her that her family continued to harbour animosity towards her ex. She understood it was them being protective, but she disliked the fact that Angus as ‘a target’ had become a thing. She let her eyes sweep over him and noted that he was as ever, his usual fastidious and attractive self, handsome no matter that the years advanced. He looked dapper in a new suit probably bought for the occasion.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Hamish lean in and speak to Ruraigh from behind his cupped palm and guessed that he might be making an unfavourable comment about Angus. She wasn’t having that. Rushing across the room, she walked forward and swept her ex into a hug, kissing him on the cheek before doing the same to Richard.

‘Engaged! Can you believe it?’ She linked arms with both men and steered them towards the buffet.

‘I know! I feel so old.’ Angus grimaced. ‘I still think of her as a baby.’

‘Angus, you will never be old, not to me. You will always be that gorgeous floppy-haired boy who was as smart as he was gorgeous. Don’t you think so, Richard?’

‘I do.’ He nodded. Looking at Angus with such affection it again sent a flare of loneliness through her core.

They made small talk, marvelling at Sophie’s poise and commenting on how fond they were of Greg. It was a relief that they all liked her man. Kitty could only imagine what it must have been like for her parents, watching her hitch her wagon to someone they instinctively knew fell short in the devotion stakes. She felt the inevitable twinge of guilt that when her mum had had more than enough to deal with, she’d had to cope with that too.

‘I don’t know why, but I was just thinking about Marjorie’s wedding cake!’ She laughed.

Angus turned to Richard and placed a hand on his arm, affectionately. ‘I’ll have to try and dig out a photo. Marjorie was already getting on when she made our wedding cake. And, well, let’s just say it was less than magazine perfect.’

‘It was positively wonky!’ Kitty giggled. ‘With great blobs of mismatched icing shoved on to cover the gaps, but she was oh so proud of it!’

‘We did the full cake-cutting thing with a sword, no less.’ He nodded at her. ‘And we thanked Marjorie and she beamed.’

‘Oh, she did.’ Kitty smiled fondly at the memory of the woman she had so loved. ‘I wish she could see Sophie today, grown-up and so gorgeous. My mum, too, of course. Are your parents coming?’

‘No.’ Angus rolled his eyes. ‘I think Mum felt the journey was a bit much just for an evening and of course there was the expense.’

‘Of course,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘It is a long way for them. Plus I seem to remember that Friday night is Tupperware-sorting night.’

‘For the love of God, let it go, Kitty!’ They both laughed.

*

Busying herself at the buffet, handing out plates and napkins, Kitty heard Theo’s unmistakeable voice before she saw him. In an instant she was transported back to that beautiful bright Highlands morning a year ago.

It was the morning after the night before, and she’d sat up slowly in her bed, rubbing her eyes and cursing her throbbing headache. She’d made her way downstairs. Her dad was at the table, already demolishing his fried eggs on toast.

‘He’s gone.’ He spoke without looking up, his tone almost angry, as if he in some way blamed her and was not in the least bit happy about whatever had caused this.

‘Gone?’ Her voice was gravelly, tiny rocks of regret in her throat.

‘Aye, taxi first thing. Away back to London.’

She had sunk down into the chair at the top of the table and laid her head on her raised knees as her tears fell, her loss all-consuming.

But this was not the time to dwell; this was Sophie and Greg’s party. Tousling her roots with her fingertips, she sucked in her tummy and painted on a smile, turning slowly. At the sight of him, her smile became genuine. He looked… he looked fresher, younger and very much as if the weight of grief that had bowed him so completely had gone. Her joy turned to embarrassment, as, rather than acknowledge her, he turned and headed straight for the bar.

What did you expect, Kitty? You made a fool of yourself and you embarrassed him. You blew it!

‘Where are you sneaking off to?’ Tizz called after her as she opened the French windows at the back of the room.

‘I’m not sneaking off! Just going for a bit of fresh air. You of all people should understand the desire to cool down!’ She spoke with a joviality she certainly didn’t feel; she needed to put some distance between herself and Sophie’s party in case she was unable to stem her tears.

She leant her arms on the brick wall and looked out over the rooftops of East Dulwich. There was something quite beautiful about the dark silhouette of chimneys, aerials and treetops sitting against the inky south London twilight. She felt like this sometimes, like everyone in the world was clinking a glass and snuggling up with someone they loved, and it made her feel so alone. Not that she needed anyone – she didn’t, and she wasn’t even sure she wanted someone – but on occasion the loneliness bit regardless.

‘I thought I’d grab you a drink. You look like you’re miles away.’

She turned round in surprise.

Theo stepped out onto the small terrace and pushed the door closed with his foot, before handing her a glass of fizz.

‘I was.’ She took the drink from him.

‘Where were you – somewhere nice, I hope?’

‘Timbuktu.’ She laughed, annoyed at the tearful wobble in her voice.

‘It’s a big day.’ He gave her the justification for her tears. ‘Sophie seems happy.’

‘She really is. Greg’s lovely, isn’t he?’

‘Yep. He’s cooking supper at my place next week, his famous grapefruit, orange and fish surprise, which sounds intriguing – you have to come.’

‘I’d like that very much.’ It felt odd to her that Sophie and Greg had a relationship with Theo that excluded her, but to be invited to join them was a welcome thing. ‘Are you not drinking?’ She was embarrassed at how glad she was of the Dutch courage she’d so swiftly knocked back.

‘No, I’m driving. I didn’t know if I might need to make a hasty exit. Truth is, it’s been a while and I was worried about seeing you again, Kitty.’ He walked forward and stood next to her, looking out over the city in the dying embers of the day.

‘Me too.’

‘A lot has gone on since Darraghfield and I’m not sure I was the most polite houseguest. I left rather hurriedly and would hate to have offended Stephen. How’s he doing?’

Kitty shook her head and pictured her lovely dad, now with a permanent nurse/housekeeper in residence, who wasn’t a patch on Marjorie, as he regularly reminded her. ‘He’s okay, and you didn’t. I think it’s me who should apologise. I never meant to offend you. Not for the world! And I’m sorry if I did. I have cringed over my actions a thousand times since. Call it a moment of madness.’

He inhaled slowly. ‘It was nothing you did or said. It was me. My head was all over the place, still is really, but much less so.’

‘That’s kind of you to say, but I know…’ She ran out of words, feeling the blush on her cheeks at the memory of how he had almost literally run from her.

‘I felt…’ He turned to face her. ‘I felt so guilty because for a second, just for a split second, I forgot about Anna and I thought about you. And I never want to forget about her.’

Kitty’s breath caught in her throat. The two stood in silence as the significance of his words sank in.

‘Of course! Oh my God, Theo, of course!’ She covered her face with her hands, ‘God, I can’t bear to have this conversation with you. It’s horrible. You don’t have to say that – I know it. Darling Anna, I know it…’

‘Hey, you two!’

Kitty whipped around to look at Sophie, who was calling to them from the doorway.

‘We’re thinking about doing a speech or two and we don’t want to start without you both there to listen.’

‘We’ll be right in, darling!’ There it was again, the false brightness she could summon in an instant.

‘I don’t want you to feel that way, Kitty. As I said, it wasn’t you—’

‘Can we talk about it later, please?’ She headed for the door, her tone a little curt.

She found a spot in the middle of the crowd, and watched with pride as her daughter spoke with great composure. An arm snaked around her waist and she was delighted to see that Olly had arrived and had chosen to stand by her side.

‘You’re late!’ she whispered.

‘Yep.’ He nodded and supped his pint, as if it was to be expected.

Everyone’s attention was on Sophie as she continued. ‘I always thought that you get the people in your life that you are meant to have, particularly as you get older.’ She paused and looked from face to face. ‘I’ve been very lucky to have the most incredibly supportive family: Mum, Dad-Angus, Dad-Theo, Anna, Olly, my uncles Ruraigh and Hamish, Tizz and Flo, the whole gang…’ She smiled. ‘And I thought I had all the people I needed, thought I had enough. And then I met Greg.’

There was a collective murmur of ‘Aaah’ and ‘How lovely!’, along with the odd sniff. ‘I met him and I liked him and I loved him and I know I always will. And I couldn’t be more excited about spending the rest of my life with him. We wanted to get everyone together tonight to celebrate our engagement, and also something else.’

Kitty looked at Angus, then Theo and all looked equally perplexed.

Greg took the floor. ‘Yes. Do we have any knitters in the room?’

A hush came over them all as Sophie beamed at the crowd in front of her. ‘I’m having a baby!’ She jumped up and down on the spot.

‘Oh my God!’ Kitty kissed Olly before rushing forward, almost blinded by the fog of tears. ‘Soph!’ She took her girl into her arms. ‘This is just wonderful! Wonderful!’ She turned to Theo and Angus, who, along with the rest of the laughing, crying crowd, were raising a toast.

Tizz grinned at Kitty. ‘Told you!’ she mouthed. ‘Glowy!’ She whirled circles on her cheek with her fingertip and laughed.

*

It was a wonderful evening and Kitty knew she would not forget it. A baby! It was the best thing imaginable. Her excitement came in waves and she couldn’t wait to call her dad and give him the news.

‘How are you getting home?’ Theo asked as he slipped his arms into his linen jacket, interrupting her thoughts.

‘Oh, I’ll grab a cab.’

‘Let me drive you.’

‘No! It’s out of your way. Plus Olly might be coming home, so it’ll be two of us.’

‘That’s fine.?I have more than two seats.’?He smiled.?‘Olly, are you coming back to Blackheath? I’ve said I’ll drive your mum.’

‘Oh, cheers, Theo, but no, early start for me tomorrow, plus I said I might pop in on a friend.’ He coughed.

‘Oh! A friend !’ Kitty giggled.

‘She’s called Victoria and I like her. I like her a lot.’

‘Well, that’s wonderful! I am happy, Olly!’ She beamed at her boy as she grabbed her bag. They spent an age saying their goodbyes.

Kitty had to admit it felt nice to be driven. Driven by Theo. His fancy-pants car purred through Dulwich as she reclined in the leather seat that cocooned her. ‘Our baby is having a baby!’

‘She is.’

‘Theo, we’re going to be grandparents!’ She howled her laughter. ‘Oh my word… Grandpa Theo!’

‘I don’t know what to do with a baby. They absolutely terrify me.’

It was a stark reminder that his daughter had only arrived in his life in her early teens.

‘You’ll be a natural.’ She studied his profile. ‘I wonder what it’ll be, a little boy or girl…’

‘It’s exciting, isn’t it?’ He smiled at her.

‘It really is. Do you think we should put their name down for Vaizey the moment they’re born? Sixth generation on your side, is that right?’

‘Something like that.’ He sat up straight and gripped the wheel. ‘I think we should let the little thing go somewhere it can flourish.’

‘Sophie loved it. Olly too. And I did, really. I mean, I was lonely at times, of course, but it shaped my whole life. I met you. I met Angus. And it was always such a big part of Ruraigh and Hamish’s life.’

‘It shaped me too, but not in a good way.’ He blinked rapidly. ‘I’m going to tell you something that I don’t tell many people.’

She sat up and twisted in her seat to look at him.

‘Do you remember Alexander Beaufort? Xander. A prefect in Theobald’s.’

She closed her eyes and pictured the boy. ‘Yes, I do. Tall, quite nice-looking, went out with Johanna van Stroother who was in my house. That’s really funny, I haven’t thought about either of them for years and I didn’t know I remembered them until you said their names.’

‘Well, he’s my brother.’

Kitty laughed. ‘He’s your brother ? What do you mean?’ She looked at him quizzically.

‘My father was his father – different mums. I was the only one who didn’t know about the situation, they kept me in the dark until I was in my thirties, but apparently Xander knew, even at school. Never said a word.’

‘That’s insane!’ She tried and failed to imagine her parents keeping news like this from her. It would feel devastating.

‘I know.’ He sucked his lip.

‘Do you… do you ever see him?’

Theo shook his head. ‘No. No contact ever. I half expected him to come to my father’s funeral, but he didn’t. I sometimes wish he had, a chance to clear the air and all that.’

‘Why don’t you contact him?’

‘For what purpose?’ He glanced at her, then back at the road.

‘I don’t know! To clear the air, as you put it? It just seems weird that you know he’s your brother and yet you don’t know him.’

‘Christ, Kitty, there was so much weird about my upbringing, this pales into insignificance.’

‘We all have them, you know—’

‘What?’

‘Those dark corners of our life which we choose not to illuminate, things that we bury.’ She cleared her throat. ‘My mum, my lovely mum… She suffered with mental illness all her life, and I’m not entirely certain, but I think she took her own life. My dad thinks he’s shielding me by keeping the details vague and I don’t want to distress him by bringing it up. It’s complicated.’

‘Oh, Kitty! That must have been so tough on you.’

‘I kept my mum’s illness a secret at school because my dad did at home, at least for a while. It wasn’t a shame thing, it was more that he thought if he didn’t talk about it, then it wouldn’t be real, we could all pretend. And he didn’t want Mum to hear the words, the diagnosis, in case it made her feel afraid or diminished her. He loved her so much.’

‘I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for him.’ He spoke softly as the car idled at traffic lights. ‘I remember you coming back to school with tales of things you’d got up to with your parents. I was always very envious. Mine were so remote.’

‘Often it was just me and my dad, and that was fine. He’s always been wonderful, but Mum hiding away in her room or, worse, coming downstairs and floating around like a ghost, it was a pressure and a sadness all in one. We were all pretending and it was exhausting.’

‘I guess everyone pretends some of the time. I used to sit and watch you in class, laughing at the things you said, trying to show an interest when you spoke about Angus, but it killed me inside. I used to lie awake in Theobald’s thinking about all the things you’d said, feeling sick to my stomach.’

She stared at his handsome profile and felt a punch of sadness for the teenage Theo. ‘I wasn’t aware of that – not really.’ She wished she had understood, hoped she’d been kind.

‘I know. I don’t blame you, of course not, but it wasn’t easy.’

They continued the rest of the journey in silence, alone with the ghosts of their secrets. Theo eventually pulled up outside her house.

‘Are you coming in for a coffee?’

‘Bit late for coffee.’ They both looked at the digital display on the dashboard.

‘I have herbal tea?’

Kitty put the key in the front door and scanned the hallway and sitting room, regretting not having run the vacuum cleaner over the floorboards and tidied away the newspapers that littered the rug.

Theo walked into the lounge and turned to her. ‘It feels a like a lifetime ago that I came to stay here with Gunner.’

She placed her keys in the china bowl on the table and shrugged her arms free of her coat.

The sitting room was dark but for the golden glow coming through the plantation blinds and casting its stripey light on the floor and furnishings.

It would have been hard to say, with hindsight, exactly who moved first. How it happened. Who initiated and who followed. Not that those details would matter. The fact was, the two came together. Theo and Kitty, kissing with the ferocity of those who had known abstinence and loneliness, their arms wound tightly around each other, separating only to remove outer layers of clothing, running palms over skin that was warm and known to them yet still excitingly unfamiliar.

‘Oh my God, Theo,’ she whispered as she kissed him, as her heart thudded and her pulse raced, ‘here we go again.’

He laughed as he lifted her and the two fell onto the sofa.

*

Kitty woke and for a split second wondered why she was on the sofa and not upstairs in her room. This was followed by the realisation that her head was resting on Theo’s chest.

‘Is this where you jump up, tell me you have to be somewhere and disappear for a decade or two?’ He smiled, still with his eyes closed. ‘I mean, you do have form.’

‘You are not funny!’ She scowled at him.

‘I am a bit funny,’ he countered.

‘Actually, I was going to jump up and make a pot of coffee and heat up some stale croissants, but you can forget it.’ She pulled the throw that usually lived on the back of the sofa over her bare legs.

‘Oh, stale croissants sound wonderful.’

She liked the feel of his slightly rough palm running over her back. Her skin still aglow with the feeling he elicited in her, which she could only liken to electricity that sparked desire in her unfelt since that glorious afternoon all that time ago...

‘Or…’ He sighed. ‘We could walk into Blackheath and have a forage for not -stale croissants and fancy fruit for a salad, and we could come back and have a proper breakfast?’

‘Okay.’ She answered with measured nonchalance, smiling at him.

My Theo…

‘Try not to overwhelm me with your enthusiasm – you don’t want me feeling confident or anything like that.’

‘It’s not that, Theo. I’m… I’m scared.’ She sat up, pulling the throw with her to cover her chest.

He placed his arm behind his head and looked at her. ‘I’m scared too. It took me a lot of years to erase the hurt I felt, to cope with the rejection after what happened between us, and this feels risky. My heart and my ego are both fragile. Life has messed me up, Kitty.’

Kitty thought of the moment she saw Thomas Paderfield reach up to adjust Angus’s collar and how her whole life, her marriage, her future and her past, had seemed to disappear down a large black hole. ‘Me too.’

‘So what’s the answer? Do you want to run? Because if you do, I’ll understand. And I can be in my car within minutes and gone – all the way back to Barnes.’

‘All the way back to Barnes?’ She laughed. ‘And then what? Set a date for thirty years’ time so we can have sex again, as part of our thirty-year ritual?’

Theo laughed too. ‘I hate to think about it, hate saying it even more, but in thirty years’ time I’ll be eighty! I might still be able to rustle up croissants and a fancy fruit salad, but sex might be off the menu.’

‘Well, in that case, I suppose I’d better get it while I can. What are you grinning at?’ She grabbed his arm.

Theo shook his head. ‘I was just thinking that if my fourteen-, fifteen-year-old self had known that this was going to happen, well, I might have exploded.’

‘In a good way?’

‘Yes, Kitty, in a good way.’

Kitty felt bold, leaning forward to kiss his handsome face, as she lay back down next to him on the sofa. She felt alive! But most of all she felt happy. She hugged the man who was her knight in shining armour. It felt a lot like coming home.