Chapter 8
That’s Not My Life
My first foray into the word is overwhelming. I’ve spent the last few weeks in a bubble, first with the Calloway pack, tucked up in their house while they played some kind of sick game with me, and more recently entirely alone in my bedroom.
If I was operating with my normal range of emotions, I would be overstimulated and overwhelmed, seeking an escape a path to scurry away and hide.
It’s not possible to do that when you’re one of two guests of honor. Or three, if the way Frederick Bell is greeting the party goers is any sign. It may be an engagement party for me and Brian, but he is undoubtedly the star of the show in his mind. We’re just the supporting cast.
The party is taking place in a ballroom of a hotel I’ve never been to before. It’s nice, but not as nice as The Falcon, and I overheard the party planner, a harried looking man named Adrian, say my father had originally demanded the luxe hotel, but the Falcone pack had been unbending when they denied the request. Not surprising since Adrian somewhat gleefully informed the caterer the event spaces in The Falcon book out almost two years in advance.
I wonder if that’s true or if the Falcone pack simply didn’t want the anti-designation, anti-pack senator as a customer. I wouldn’t blame them if that is the case.
The space is pretty, if a little ostentatious and more my father’s style than my own. Of course, I’m not sure I would even have an engagement party given the chance to make any decisions in my life. But, alas, I don’t.
I barely spared the room a glance before Adrian positioned me right by the entrance, with Brian on one side and my father on the other, sandwiching me between them. I’m sure anyone who is watching would see it as a protective move, like I’m too precious to not have me safe between them.
But I’m sure it’s actually so they can both make sure I behave.
They should realize by now there isn’t a shred of disobedience in me. Even if I didn’t have the ‘medication’ in my veins, the ever lingering threat of retribution against Ren would be enough to make me behave.
The doors open at exactly six o’clock and there’s already a receiving line formed, guests dressed in their finest, waiting to be let into the engagement part of the century. But not really. Who actually cares about the daughter of a senator and his aide getting married?
No one, that’s who.
I spend the next fifteen minutes smiling and giggling like an idiot. Selling that I am in fact madly in love with Brian Coogan, when in actuality he makes my skin crawl, I can’t stand to have him touch me or be near me…. Or at least that was the case before I couldn’t feel much of anything.
Now, though, I can’t bring myself to give more than a tiny shudder, barely noticeable, as he slides his hand onto my hip, pulling me tight to his body.
I’m not sure what has him holding onto me so tight. For the last fifteen minutes, he’s hardly touched me, but now he’s acting all possessive and weird. I glance up at him and find him staring down the line of guests waiting to come in, his mouth curled in a cocky smirk and his brow arched in challenge.
What in the world?
I follow the line of his gaze. Everything stops for a beat. Two.
My eyes clash with a pair of angry deep grays farther down the line and my heart gives the barest flip before the chemicals in my veins smooth it out. I wasn’t aware that the Calloway pack would be here, Didn’t have the faintest clue that they were invited. Then again. I didn’t exactly help with the guest list. My one friend in the entire world isn’t here, and I’m more than okay with that. I don’t want Ren anywhere near Frederick Bell or Brian Coogan. If I could tell her to move across the country and take her family with her, I would.
Creed stares at me hard, and I meet his gaze with my own impassive one. I know it should hurt seeing him. I know I should—I don’t know—be anxious to see him. If anyone here would help me get away from my father, it would be Creed and his pack, but I really can’t rustle up any more feeling than apathy.
The glower on his face increases the longer I stare at him with zero emotion.
“You must be so excited!” A woman with graying hair and crow’s feet says, drawing my attention to her.
On reflex, my mouth curls into a smile, and I hear myself give an excited breathy laugh. “So excited,” I repeat, reaching out to shake her hand. “I can’t wait to marry my best friend.”
The words hang heavy on my tongue. Before we came tonight, my father and Brian gave me an approved list of things to say to people to sell the charade of this being an actual love match. That was just one of the many delightful lies that have dripped from my tongue tonight. Every one poison in my veins.
The older woman coos and turns to Brian, standing next to me with his arm looped around my waist, his hand on my hip possessively. “And what about you?”
He takes longer to respond, and when he does, he slides his hand up to cup the nape of my neck, squeezing almost too tight. “I’m just so thrilled she’s agreed to be mine.”
The woman hums. “Yes, well, it is a rather short engagement, but the heart wants what it wants!” She laughs and we laugh along with her.
Brian keeps his hand on my neck, heavy like a collar, every so often he leans into me, presses his lips into my hair in a way that undoubtedly seems tender to anyone watching, but it’s just a cover for him to mutter alpha barks to me. “ You will not speak to the Calloway pack when they reach us.” “You will not look at them.” “You will keep your eyes on me the entire time they are in front of us.” “You will act like you love me.”
Each of his commands is a weight in my stomach, on my chest. I can’t escape them. Not for the first time, I wish I’d foreseen this and had Hale make it so I wouldn’t follow any alpha commands, but at the time I foolishly thought I was with my forever pack and they would keep me safe.
The Calloway’s inch closer and closer, I dutifully smile and shake hands and beam like I’m truly happy to be here, like this is what I want. I’m keenly aware of the alphas stalking ever nearer, though. My skin prickles with each foot covered. Then they’re in front of us, and I can’t look at them. My head twists to follow Brian’s command, my eyes looking at him. Not his face. The knot of his tie, just below his chin. He didn’t say where I had to look at him.
I lean into his body and smile up at him lovingly. Inside I’m screaming, but outside I’m sure I look like the loved up omega he wants me to be.
“Coogan,” Hale’s voice trembles over my skin, and I try to turn my head on instinct, but the command keeps me in place. “Haven.”
Another jerk of my head, but my eyes stay focused on the alpha next to me, my mouth stays curled in a closed lip smile. I can feel the Calloway pack watching me, urging me to look at them, to acknowledge them. Even if I wanted to, I can’t.
Some part of me hopes they realize what’s happening, that I can’t act normally because I no longer have control of my body. The combination of suppressants, the new drug, and Brian’s bark have stolen it from me.
“Good of you to come celebrate with us, Calloway,” Brian says, holding out his free hand to shake.
“Wouldn’t miss it, though I see little to celebrate,” Hale replies. There’s the slapping of palms together and the shake goes on for too long. I’m staring right at Brian, so I see him wince, and a thrill goes through me. Hale must have squeezed the shit out of his hand.
“Haven,” Creed says, sounding like my name is precious to him, like he wants—no needs —my attention on him. I’d give it to him if I could, even if it was just to tell him I never want to see him again. “Baby girl-”
Brian bristles, his scent blooming in the air sharp and acrid. It makes my nose twitch with the need to sneeze, to get it out of my nostrils. “I know you didn’t just call my fiancée ‘baby girl’, Creed.”
“I absolutely did,” he growls back, all softness gone from his voice.
“Haven, angel?” Tic tries, and the pleading in his voice has my head twitching again. But I don’t turn, and I don’t say anything because I can’t. I’m frozen like this, smiling up adoringly at my future jailor, at the man who will keep me just as trapped as my father did. “Can you look at me?”
No. I want to scream. No, I can’t look at him, at them. I can’t turn my head or speak or do anything but stare up at Brian Coogan like a love drunk idiot and I hate it. I hate that I’m back in this helpless, weak role because of their actions. Because they used me so horribly, I had no choice but to flee.
“Why would she?” Brian asks, hand tightening painfully on my hip. So tight, I’m sure I’ll have five perfect bruises in an hour or so. Behind me, I can hear the low rumble of my father’s voice as he continues to chat merrily with one of his guests, letting Brian handle the situation. “She’s mine. My fiancée. My omega . Soon to be my wife. Bonded to me forever.”
Oh god. Nausea swirls in my stomach, and I’m sure my stupid, loved-up face falters for a moment as his words hit. Not just their intended target of the Calloway pack, but me. All of those things are true. I will be his wife. His omega. Bonded to him for the rest of my life.
If I can’t bring myself to care enough to get myself out of this, I will die as Brian Coogan’s wife. A month. I have a month to do it. To come up with something.
“We all know the only reason she’s here is because you ordered her to be,” Hale says low and furious, his pheromones spike with his anger, his rage and that only adds to the itchy, sick feeling that’s braking through the drugs.
“Is that so?” Brian turns and looks down at me, but I don’t meet his eyes, continuing to stare hard at the knot of his tie. A small, pleased chuckle leaves him at whatever he sees in my expression. “Well, you know what they say. The ends justify the means. And at the end of this…. Haven will be mine, and she’ll never speak to you again.”
“Motherfucker,” Jude hisses, but Brian ignores him in favor of leaning just slightly closer to me.
“ Kiss me like you mean it .” I know they hear the bark in his voice. I feel them bristle next to me. Creed shifts forward like he’s going to stop me, but Hale slams the back of his hand onto his chest, while Tic mutters something low in his ear, talking him down. Though why they’d have a problem with this, I don’t know.
After all, they did essentially the same thing, only they were sneaky about it. Brian isn’t hiding how much of an asshole he is.
My brain tells me not to do it, to fight, to throw off the command or find a way around it. But that doesn’t stop my body from moving of its own accord, pushing up to my toes as Brian bends toward me, not enough, So I have to strain to reach his mouth, my body plastered to his as I stretch and stretch and stretch to reach his mouth.
He must like that, must like how hard it is for me to reach him, how his bark makes my body determined. I don’t have any other option. I bet he’d really love it if I climbed him like a tree right here and now, wrapped my legs around his waist and really kissed him.
My father, however, would not like that.
I push my brain away. Easily done with the help of the medication they’ve given me. So when I curl my hand around Brian’s tie and tug him down to my lips, it’s almost like I’m watching from outside my body. It’s not me. That’s some other omega pressing her mouth to an alpha she hates. That’s not me darting my tongue out to take in his tobacco taste. It’s not me sliding my hand up around the back of his neck as I kiss him like it means something, like he means something to me.
Brian smirks as he pulls back. “As you can see, she’s perfectly happy.”
“I think it’s pretty fucked you have to bark at your fiancée to get her to kiss you,” Jude mutters, sounding nothing like his normal sunshiny self. In fact, he sounds pissed off as hell, and if the pheromones he’s putting out are any indication, that is exactly what he is.
My fiancé bends and presses another kiss to my mouth, before sliding his lips to my ear. In this position I can see the Calloway pack, see their devastated angry faces, and they can absolutely see mine. So I know they see my flash of repulsion and horror when Brian murmurs in my ear, “Mmm, can’t wait for your heat, baby, I’m gonna fuck you through it so fucking good. Keep you chained to my bed naked with your legs spread open so I can fuck you whenever I want. The best part is you’ll want it, because I’ll make you want it.”
My fingers flex against his suit with the need to push him away, and my eyes widen in horror. If almost anyone else had said that to me, it might have been a turn on. Mostly because I know any chaining would be temporary. But I’m not sure it would be with Brian. I could see him actually doing that. Chaining me to a bed to be used as a fuck toy whenever he saw fit.
But just like before, all of that repulsion and horror sweeps away in my next breath and I’m numb again.
The Calloway pack watches it happen, watches as my emotions vanish, replaced by the smooth, unruffled look the drugs give me, and then the look of love Brian wants me to wear. I flinch when his teeth scrape over my neck and there’s no stopping the whine that pulls from my chest as my omega instincts battle against everything.
It’s too much. Everything is too fucking much.
The Calloway pack being here posturing like they have a right to, like I belong to them, when I do not. Brian. My father. This stupid engagement party. All of it is too. Fucking. Much.
“Stop pawing at my daughter,” my father says from behind me and I don’t think it’s out of concern for whether or not I’m uncomfortable. No, it’s more to do with how it’s making my omega rear up, fighting, fighting, fighting against everything they’ve done to me. He doesn’t want to risk a scene.
His hand slides over my shoulder and he forcibly yanks me away from Brian until I’m pressed against his side instead. His fingers bite into my flesh, but that I can handle. That is normal. I’m not used to Brian threatening to bond with me right here in front of countless witnesses.
“Ah, I’m so glad you could join us,” he says, finally giving his attention to the Calloway pack. “But you’re holding up the line.”
They want to argue. I can tell, even if I’m not looking at them, I can tell. But they don’t. Instead, they shuffle away after giving me one last lingering look. One that promises they’re going to find me later.
“Jesus, Brian,” my father says when we’re alone again. “We talked about this. There’s no reason to piss all over her. She’s yours. Doing that just makes her omega instincts flare. Save that for when you’re alone.”
Brian runs a hand over his face. “You’re right. I apologize, sir.” Then he digs into his pocket and produces a small pale pink pill. “ Open.” My lips part and he tosses the pill into my mouth so that it hits the back of my throat. I nearly choke on it, even though it’s tiny. “ Swallow .”
I do.
My drugged up brain can’t focus. It’s frustrating as hell, because I know I’m not focused, can’t make sense of what the hell is going on, but I can’t do anything about it. It’s a wonder none of the people my father spends time with questioned it. But then, the official story is that I’ve been battling an illness for the last few months, so maybe they assume the unfocused, day dreamy state I’m in is a side effect for that.
Or maybe they just don’t care.
Probably the second one.
“Little mouse,” a voice hisses right behind my ear. It should startle me, make me jump with its unexpectedness, but I can’t make myself react normally. It’s like all of my emotions, my reactions, are muted. Which also means that when I turn to look up at him, to see his face that I know somewhere deep down I probably still love, I actually feel... Nothing. Just mild annoyance.
Probably the only good thing about being as drugged up as my father has me. I don’t feel the absolute agony of their betrayal. I know I should, I just… don’t .
My mouth curls into the Frederick Bell approved smile, the fake one. “Mr. Calloway. Lovely of you to make it.” Polite and to the point. I’m aware I don’t sound like myself, my voice taking on the detached, dreamy quality everyone else at this party has received.
It’s the drugs in my system, I know that.
Hale frowns, those icy blue eyes of his running over me like he’s trying to figure out why I’m not throwing myself at him. But that can’t really be a surprise, can it? Not after what he did to me. What they did to me.
He reaches for me, but I’m quick to step back. He cannot touch me. Not here, not ever, and not just because my father told me to keep my distance, but because I don’t want him to. It’s imperative that he doesn’t.
He follows my retreat, but his hand drops to his side. “Baby, please. I need you to come with me. Let us explain-”
I shake my head with that smile still in place. “I can’t go with you.”
“Did Coogan bark at you, angel?” Tic asks, sneaking up behind me. “Did he tell you to behave tonight?”
Hale’s jaw hardens as he looks at me, waiting for my answer. “If he did,” I say slowly, softly, testing the words to make sure they don’t contradict any of the commands. “He also would have barked at me not to tell you, to tell anyone, don’t you think?”
“Fuck, baby girl.” Creed sounds absolutely gutted as he approaches from my right. Feeling cornered, trapped, I glance to the left, already knowing what I’ll find there. Jude lingering, farther away than the others, but still blocking any means of escape.
With no preamble whatsoever, Hale leans close and whispers. “ You will disregard any and all commands Brian Coogan has given or will give you in the future. ”
Creed hisses at him angrily, but Hale ignores him, eyes focused on me, watching as the commands given to me by my fiancé slough off like dead skin cells.
They all watch me expectantly, like they think I’ll fall apart now that I’m no longer bound by alpha commands. But I don’t. I just keep staring at them with that same fake smile on my face. True, I could let it drop, but I won’t.
The same way I won’t go with them.
“Haven,” Jude says softly, drawing my attention to where he’s still lingering, hands tucked in his pockets. “We’re so fucking sorry. You never should have seen-”
A flare of anger has me snapping at him. “Whether I saw it or not, you were still using me.” The flare dies a quick death and I blow out a breath through my nostrils, actually grateful for the drug that’s balancing me out, keeping me from feeling too much. If I didn’t have these chemicals thrumming through my veins, I would be a wreck right now. I’d be sobbing, raging, torn between anger and agony.
Instead, I can do this, smile at them like I mean it, like they didn’t destroy me. “I’m sorry,” I say and all of them jerk like they hadn’t expected me to say that. “I shouldn’t have raised my voice.”
Behind Jude, I see Brian motioning at me angrily. It’s tempting to ignore him, but if I do, he’ll know something’s up and he’s been just as vocal about punishing Ren if I fuck up as my father has been, so I nod at him to let him know I’m coming. “Thank you so much for coming, gentlemen.” I say, weaving between the small space Jude’s stance has allowed. “It’s been a delight to see you again. If you’ll excuse me, my fiancé is looking for me.”
I think I must startle them because they don’t stop me as I hurry by Jude and stride toward Brian, chin tipped down so I don’t have to see the flare of victory in his eye, the undoubtedly cocky smirk I’m sure he’s throwing their way.
If it wasn’t for the threat hanging over Ren, I would flash Brian the finger and keep walking right on by him, straight to the microphone set up for my father to give a speech later congratulating the two of us. It must be for him. I can’t imagine anyone else standing up there.
If I wasn’t certain that my father would retaliate against Ren, I’d happily announce the wedding is off and then go on my merry way.
But that’s not my life.
It never has been, and it never will be. My life will always be to spend it under the thumb of an alpha, diminished, small. A mouse.