Chapter 18
It’s So Shitty
I’ve kept my distance from the pack for the last few days.
I’ve needed to for my sanity.
Giving into the heat between Creed and me was a huge mistake. It never should have happened, because now anytime I’m around any of the Calloway alphas, I remember what it was like to touch them, kiss them, fuck them, to be knotted and stroked by them.
My body has been one giant horny hormone since Creed spent hours making me come, and I simply can’t allow it.
Can’t allow the physical to overwhelm the emotional, the instinctive to overwhelm the rational.
I wouldn’t survive if they broke my heart again.
And I have no guarantee that they won’t.
So for the last few days, I’ve been spending almost every minute in my bedroom. If Ren notices the change of location from the living room, she doesn’t mention it, doesn’t push for me to tell her why the sudden need to keep my distance.
She has been throwing me some serious side-eye, giving me the impression that she wants to say something, but isn’t sure how to broach the subject, which is very unlike her. Florence Karlin has never been afraid of telling me how she feels.
When she’s eyed me for the fifth time, I finally sigh. “What, Ren?”
Her mouth snaps closed, and she focuses on the TV again. “Hm? What?” Pure innocence.
I scowl at her. “You obviously want to say something but are holding back for some unknown reason. Come on. Spill.”
She gnaws on her lower lip, still not looking at me. “I’m just not sure how you’ll take it.”
That has my annoyance fizzling away. I lace my fingers with hers and squeeze. “Please, Ren. Say it.”
Ren glances at me out of the corner of her eye, then turns to face me fully, drawing her knee up so it’s pressed into my hip. “Maybe you should… look into one of those matching agencies?”
My head whips toward her. “What?”
She sighs and reaches for the remote, pausing the show and then turning her attention back to me. “You know, one of those agencies that use scent to find omegas and packs that are compatible? If you want to get away from the Calloway pack, and find your forever pack, you should… take steps to do it. To find them.”
My forehead wrinkles as my brows draw together. She’s not wrong. I do want to find a pack, and when we were at the academy together we tossed around the idea of using one of the matching agencies, it seemed like the best way to be exposed to the largest number of packs, and possibly find a scent match, which is the ideal, the dream.
I know the Calloway pack isn’t my scent match. If they were, it would have locked into place by now, and besides, they already met theirs. As far as I know, you don’t get a second scent match. It’s a one and done sort of situation.
So, in theory, my scent matched pack is still out there.
I nod slowly. “You’re right, I should do that.”
Ren gives me a considering look. “You don’t seem sold on the idea, though. Why is that?”
Shrugging, I look down at the blanket covering my lap and pick at a piece of fuzz. “I don’t know, I guess- Maybe I’m still a little gun shy about the whole pack thing.” I look up, glancing around the room to make sure there aren’t any alphas lingering, listening to our conversation. Which there wouldn’t be since we’re in my bedroom. But it never hurts to be cautious. “I thought… You know, I thought they were going to be it for me. That I’d found my place in the world, and to be so catastrophically wrong… What if I go to one of those matching agencies, sniff out my scent match pack, and we meet and they… what if they still don’t want me? Or they realize who my father is and…”
“And what?” she presses, gently. “What would happen then?”
“If he’s still alive, what if they see me as a tool to be used to get close to him? What if they view me like everyone else does? A traitor to my designation? To pack life? What if… after all this, I’m just too broken for anyone to want for life?”
Florence leans forward and tugs me into her chest before leaning back against the headboard, taking me with her. She keeps me wrapped up tight, her faint hibiscus and lemon scent a soothing balm on my tattered soul. “First, you aren’t broken. And even if you are, you’re healing… you’re like that thing... The one where they use gold to repair ceramics.”
“Kintsugi.”
“Yes, kintsugi. You are being put back together, more beautiful and stronger than before. Second, I’m going to fucking murder the Calloways, I swear to god. How dare they make you feel like this, like you aren’t worthy? You’re Haven motherfucking Bell, the best person I know. You are kind and caring. Strong. Smart. So fucking smart. And tough. You have been through more in your twenty-two years than most people go through in their lifetime. You are a survivor . Babe, you are more than worthy of being loved by your perfect pack. And if you think your perfect pack is not the Calloway pack, then it’s time you start looking.”
I should agree with her. This is the part where I tell her yes, she’s right and I should start looking. If I have a pack, then they can protect me from my father. From the backlash. Being bonded is, without a doubt, the best defense I could have.
But I still can’t quite bring myself to agree… because I’m not sure that the Calloway pack isn’t my perfect pack. If we’d met under different circumstances, if they’d been genuine from the start, like they appear to be now, I would say they are my pack. Mine. Even knowing that they had an omega before me, that Janie was truly theirs, I would try to make it work.
Something inside me still thinks that to some extent. My omega hates that I’m even doubting it. She’s been harping after me to hop in their dicks and let them knot me, to mate them and have them bite me.
I have to remind her they found their fated mate—Janie. And I can’t play second fiddle to a ghost. To a person who made such an impact on them, they’ve spent the last ten years hyper-focused on nothing else but getting revenge for what was done to her.
Don’t get me wrong. They should. Janie deserves to be avenged and they deserve to avenge her, but what will it be like when they’ve accomplished what they’ve set out to do? Will they feel at peace with Janie’s memory? Or will it only get worse? Without revenge to focus on, will they sink into their grief? Will they even still be a pack?
I can tell their bonds are, at the very least, strained now. If they don’t have revenge as a joint goal, will they snap?
Would I be enough to hold them together?
Not likely.
Maybe if Janie had just been an omega and not their omega, if I wasn’t considering replacing their fated mate, I could be what they need, but that’s not the case.
Everyone knows fated mates are for life.
Even if they never bonded her.
They’ll always love her. Always long for her.
I deserve better than that.
So I nod slowly. “You’re right. I can’t just stay here indefinitely. I need to start living my life.” Ren doesn’t smile at my agreement, instead she tilts her head and considers me for one long moment. Uncomfortable with her attention for some unknown reason—probably because she can read me better than anyone and undoubtedly can see that I’m lying through my teeth—I slump down on the bed and change the subject. “But I agree I shouldn’t go gallivanting around the city while my father is still out there.”
Ren wrinkles her nose and shifts her attention over my shoulder, a haunted look taking over her face, likely remembering what it was like to be under my father’s command.
I hate that she knows what that feels like, to not have control of her body. To be unable to fight back.
“Yeah,” she says after a moment. “Yeah, that’s not safe for you.” Her kaleidoscope eyes drag back to me. “Has there been any movement on that front?”
I snort and shake my head. “Nope. Every time I ask, they tell me not to worry my pretty little head about it. That they have it handled.”
It’s been frustrating, to say the least. I need this finished and over with, so I can move on. The most they’ve done is ruin Brian, which was a delight to see, but barely touched my father. A few well-timed interviews where he hints he suspected something like this was happening, hence the canceled engagement, a few tears shed at how deceived he was, how betrayed, and everyone believes him.
Well, not everyone , but most people.
Its nauseating.
Ren hums, brows narrowing in concentration. “Are they… Are they putting it off?”
“Why would they do that?”
She shrugs and picks at a piece of lint on the blanket over her lap. “I don’t know. But it seems like after ten years they’d be more than ready to pull the trigger, right?”
Right.
“Well, they had to rework some stuff because they aren’t using-” me. They aren’t using the videos of me begging for their knots, giving in to my omega instincts. They aren’t trying to hurt my father in that way anymore. But that can’t have been the extent of what they had planned. Their entire plan didn’t hinge on me, surely.
I mean, what would they have done if I actually supported my father’s views? If I resisted them and never agreed to sneak out to meet them? Their entire plan would have been shot to hell.
And besides, hadn’t Hale told me they planned on pulling their funding? On robbing him? Why haven’t they done that yet?
Surely, surely, they have more planned. They worked for ten years on revenge. Ren is right, they should be more than ready to pull the trigger, so why haven’t they yet?
“What would hold them back?” My best friend muses out loud. “What is more important to them than getting revenge on the alpha who ruined their lives?”
“ Oh .” I blurt. “Oh. No. No. They wouldn’t…”
Ren’s brows jump as she looks at me. “Obviously, you’ve just thought of something. Care to share with the class?”
I shake my head and press my palm to my forehead. “It’s stupid and it can’t possibly be the reason.” Ren kicks me with a sock covered foot, urging me to spill. “When they told me everything, when they urged me to stay, they said it would only be until they handled my father, until he was neutralized as a threat.”
Ren’s eyes widen as she realizes what I’m getting at. “You think they’re holding off on a ten-year revenge plan in order to have more time with you?”
God, when she says it like that, it makes me sound self-centered. I shake my head. “No. I don’t think that. No. I know that’s not the reason.”
“Oh, it’s totally the reason,” she says smugly. “And it’s kinda sweet if you think about it.”
“It’s not sweet! They’re intentionally dragging this out to keep me in a place I don’t want to be, to force me to interact with them, to forgive them.”
Ren straightens and looks around the house that I’ve come to love more than I care to admit. “You don’t want to be here? Really? In a house with a pack who clearly adores you, who wants to keep you safe, who caters to your every need or want. This is every omega’s dream, Haves.”
I scowl at her. “You’re forgetting that they also lied to me, manipulated me. They recorded everything we did together, turned my body into a game. You’re forgetting that what every omega actually wants is love and trust and to feel secure with their pack. I don’t feel that!”
“But they’re trying to get you to the point where you do!”
“Hey! Weren’t you just telling me to go to a scent clinic? To find another pack?”
“Well, that was before I knew they were trying so damn hard to keep you, babe.” She settles against the headboard again and folds her arms over her chest. “Think about it, Haven. Really think about it. They’ve been working toward this for years, and they’ve put their plans on hold for you. To spend time with you. It’s so fucking sweet it could give me a toothache.”
My scowl only grows. “You don’t see this as another manipulation?”
She shifts. “Nope. But it’s obvious that you do.” Another sigh. “I think they might just give up on it all together if it means they get to spend more time with you.”
That has my skin prickling. I don’t want that. Not at all.
My father can’t be free to roam, to force his views and opinions on people who don’t know better. He can’t be allowed to just live as he has been. He can’t be given the chance to continue to hurt omegas the way he hurt Janie, me, Ren. He needs to be taken down.
A little growl rumbles from my chest, unbidden at the thought. Ren looks at me with wide eyes, and I stare back at her, just as shocked. I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually growled. Unless you count during my heat, but we’re not counting that. I wasn’t in my right mind then.
“I take it you don’t like the idea of that,” Ren says wryly.
I grit my teeth and shake my head. “They deserve to have revenge. Janie deserves it. And Frederick Bell doesn’t deserve to get away with everything he’s done.”
Ren gives me a small smile and leans forward, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Then I think you’re going to have to consider giving them a second chance, babe.”
Fuck, I think she’s right, and I hate that. So much.
I wilt into the blankets, shaking my head. “That’s so shitty.”
“I never said it wasn’t,” she chuckles. “But I think in the long run you won’t regret it.”
I hum, and turn my attention back to the TV screen, done with this line of thinking. Ren nudges me with her foot. “Hey, you don’t have to decide what to do with this information today or anything. You have time. They aren’t going anywhere and neither are you.”
I hum my agreement again. She’s right. For all intents and purposes, the Calloway pack isn’t planning on letting me go anytime soon.
“I think,” she adds, nudging me with her foot again. “You should take advantage of all the alpha dick while you can.”
My head whips toward her so fast, I’m surprised I don’t get whiplash. “What?”
She smirks. “Oh, please, like I can’t tell that you’ve been recently… pleasured.” Her nose wrinkles at the word. “No, gross. Why did I say that? It’s what I get for trying to be delicate. Look, you’ve obviously had sex recently. I don’t know with who and I don’t want to know, because yuck. But a few orgasms are honestly the least they can do. So I say ride those dicks to O-Town, and just see how you’re feeling after.”
She’s probably right. Sex with these alphas has always been good, so good. Creed made me remember just what it felt like to be worshipped by them, to feel wanted and so sexy. Even without the actual fucking Ren seems to think occurred.
“And,” my best friend continues, snaking her hand under my pillow. I tense, knowing exactly what she’s going to find under there. My cheeks flare bright red as she drags out a small bundle of clothing that doesn’t belong to me. “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t scent them?”
I make a grab for the bundle of fabric and she doesn’t fight me on it, laughing as I snatch them and stuff them under the pillow on my side of the bed.
“I can’t help myself,” I mutter sullenly. “I sleep better with their scents around me.”
Ren makes a sympathetic noise. “I know you do, babe. It’s yet another reason you should think about giving them a second chance.”
I sink my teeth into my bottom lip to keep myself from blurting out a denial. Part of me wants to, but I know I can’t. Ren isn’t saying this off the cuff. She genuinely cares about me, and if she thought there was a chance of the Calloway pack hurting me all over again, she would tell me to get as far from them as possible.
She must see something in the way they interact with me, something redeeming in them, or she wouldn’t say it.
Or maybe it’s me she sees it in. Maybe she knows deep down at the very heart and tender core of me, I’m still very much in love with the Calloway pack. Maybe she can tell on some level, I’m willing to take whatever pieces of themselves they’ll give me.
Not their hearts, those belong to Janie, but their bodies, their time, their protection and care.
Maybe those pieces will be enough.
It’s late. Well, after midnight. The house is quiet, the alphas on the premises tucked away in bed, asleep no doubt, but I can’t seem to settle.
My conversation with Ren is swirling around my head. If the Calloway pack is, in fact, holding off on taking down my father to spend more time with me, I’m both flattered and frustrated.
It’s a ridiculous situation.
I need out of it.
I need my father to be behind bars, away from doing harm to myself or anyone else. I need space from the Calloway pack to process what happened and my feelings about it.
It’s been impossible to do that while here in their house surrounded by their scents, while they wait on me hand and foot and feed me almost anything I want. I can’t gain perspective while their pheromones are making me crazy for them.
And I need that goddamn perspective.
So if they aren’t going to let me go until my father is taken care of, and they aren’t going to follow through with their plan, then I’m just going to do it myself.
With that thought in mind, I throw off my blankets and pad on silent feet downstairs.
The alphas are still as tight-lipped about what exactly they’ve been planning as ever, but I have to assume they have a record of what they’ve been doing somewhere, a file of evidence or—I don’t know—a handy white board with step-by-step instructions to my father’s downfall.
If I was brave enough, I’d look at Jude’s laptop, try to break into it. If they’re going to have any kind of written plan, it’s probably there, but I can’t escape the sick trepidation that fills me at what else I might find. Maybe he didn’t delete the videos, or hell, maybe there are more now, of me and Creed when I stupidly gave into my body’s needs and my omega’s instincts.
My entire being rejects the idea of looking in Jude’s laptop, so I instead make my way to Hale’s office.
I haven’t set foot in the room the entire time I’ve been here. But as soon as I cross the threshold, memories take hold. On that desk right there is where I broke through my father’s commands, used my voice and talked to Creed and Hale while they brought me to the peak of pleasure together.
Forcing the thoughts away, I make myself focus on the task at hand. Find something that I can use against my father if they won’t, some bit of evidence that will back up my claims, so he won’t be able to call me a liar, or worse, a ‘confused omega’ who obviously needs an alpha to watch over her, to keep her from doing something stupid, like accuse her own father of being a monster.
I start with the filing cabinet. It’s only two drawers and unlocked. It’s stuffed full, but it doesn’t take me long to realize that there’s nothing pertaining to my father in any of the folders. I don’t know why there would be. It’s not like they’d have one helpfully labeled as ‘Our plan to take down Frederick Bell’ or anything.
But after scanning a few of the pages in every file, I don’t see a mention of my father anywhere. It’s mostly bills and financial information. Which… apparently the Calloway pack is very well off. One of them must be an investment genius, because their portfolios are nearing a billion dollars. Now I understand how Tic can mostly self fund his research.
My omega practically purrs seeing those numbers, even more confident that they can take care of us. But I push the feeling aside. It’s never been about money for me. My father has plenty of it, and he’s still an asshole who never protected me the way he should have.
If the Calloway pack was living paycheck to paycheck or only middle class, it wouldn’t bother me if the love and devotion is there. That’s what matters most to me, not what their money can buy.
I close the filing cabinet as softly as I can and move to the desk, keeping my gaze away from the surface where I was stretched out and laid bare, where I writhed and cried out for them. This was a stupid idea. Coming down here, hoping to find the smoking gun they are undoubtedly hiding.
I have to try, don’t I?
I start with his drawers on the right. Legal pads and pens fill the top one. The middle is a mess of USB and other cords, obviously a dumping ground for electronic doodads. The bottom drawer has different sized envelopes. Like a weird number of them, actually.
On the left side, tossed carelessly in the top drawer is what I first think is a credit card, but on closer inspection looks to be a key card. All black with glittery red writing on it. Shock and Awe.
I frown and stare at it long and hard for a moment. The name bringing with it the memory of overhearing my father tell Brian he was going to be late to a business meeting at an establishment of this name. Actually, I’m sure he’s mentioned it more than once.
At the time, I didn’t care where he was going so long as he was going . But now I’m wondering why I never thought it was strange that he went there so many times, but he never forced me to go. More times than I can count, he dragged me to business dinners and parties and meetings all over the city, but never here.
Why would Hale have a key card for a business that my father frequents? Why hadn’t I thought to look it up before? To find out where my father was spending his time?
Glancing over my shoulder like I might get caught, I reach for the slim plastic item and tuck it into the waistband of my leggings before quietly sliding the drawer closed. A thump sounds from overhead and I hurry out of the office and into the kitchen, where I strain my ears and blindly grab a glass from the cabinet. If an alpha comes down the stairs as I’m going up, I’ll need a reason for being out of bed.
The thud of bare feet on the hardwood floor sound from behind me as I shut off the faucet. “Everything okay, angel?”
I congratulate myself on not jumping a foot in the air at Tic’s voice and turn to face him with a small smile on my face. “Yep, just thirsty.” I hold up the partially full glass in my hand as proof of why I’m sneaking around the house at night.
I’m not sure he buys it, though. He gives the cup a look that’s not quite a scowl but is pretty close. “Are you sure that’s it? You aren’t having trouble sleeping for any other reason?”
He’s digging for something, but I’m going to pretend like hell I don’t understand that. “Nope.” I make a show of drinking all the water and then putting the empty glass in the dishwasher.
He’s still standing there, staring hard at me like he can tell I’m lying, and if he just looks at me long enough, I’ll crack under the pressure and spill. But I’m made of sturdier stuff than that, I’ve had to be thanks to my father. He could flay skin with his glare, and I always withstood it… well, until he ordered me to tell him the truth.
I skirt by him and he turns his body toward me as I pass by, his fingers reaching out to brush over mine, drawing me to a stop next to him. “Are you sure there’s nothing you want to talk about, angel?”
I blink up at him, tilting my head. “Are you going to let me in on your plans for my father?”
His lips compress into a tight line and disappointment swells in my chest. Though I shouldn’t be surprised. I pat his taut stomach, just barely refraining from tracing his abs with my fingertips. It’s not fair that I’m still so attracted to these alphas. Not fair that all it takes is the barest brush of skin on skin to make me melt. Not fair that their scents are still the most comforting thing to me.
“Then no, Tic, I don’t have anything else I want to discuss with you.”
He gives a jerky nod and I pull away from him, only to stop with his hand on my elbow. “Just… don’t do anything rash, okay, Haven? Please.”
I resist the urge to stiffen, to give any sign that I am planning on doing something rash. He can’t possibly know that. The key card is burning against my hip, a brand, a flashing neon sign of just how rash I can be. Will be.
Externally, I give him that same small smile. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
He holds me in place for a moment longer before letting me go. I hurry up the stairs, back to the safety of my room where I will look up the club name emblazoned on the keycard and from there I’ll make a plan.
I feel Tic’s eyes on me the entire way.