40. Oliver
40
Oliver
Heading back to the house, I felt like I was walking on air. I hadn’t anticipated Lilah’s little display of possessiveness at the store, but it made my inner wolf so happy.
I hadn’t been paying much attention to the beta salesgirl who was flirting with me—I had no interest in her—but the fact that Lilah had seen someone else stepping on her territory and had felt the need to make such a public show...
My wolf purred inside me, and I didn’t let Lilah’s hand go as we returned to the house, even for a second.
She seemed to want the contact just as badly. Her fingers were laced with mine, squeezing every few seconds as she stared out the window. I would have paid good money to know what she was thinking about, but I didn’t want to interrupt our peace.
Instead, I just stroked my thumb over the back of her hand and smiled every time she peeked at me, trying to keep her at ease.
When we got close to the house, though, she stiffened and started to tremble.
I didn’t have to be a medical doctor to know that she was experiencing some symptoms, and I rolled to a gentle stop in front of the house before killing the engine and taking both of her hands in mine.
“Talk me through what you’re feeling,” I said, keeping my voice gentle and soft. I didn’t want to startle her anymore than she already was.
She whimpered, and her fingers curled tighter around my hand. “Scared. Stressed. My...my head is spinning a little,” she said thickly. She bit her lip and shook her head, her dark hair swishing around her shoulders.
“Hey.” I shoved the middle console up to pull her across and into my lap. Even that morning, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable making such a bold move, but things were different now—I wasn’t afraid she would reject me outright simply because I was me.
Even though you would deserve it.
Lilah curled in a tight little ball on my lap, her fingers clenching my shirt as she nuzzled her face into my neck. She whimpered again, and the feeling of her trusting me so implicitly did funny things to my insides. I wrapped my arms around her and rocked the two of us back and forth gently, smoothing my hand over her hair and feeling her body shake in my arms. Guilt curdled inside of me, eradicating all the good feelings that had gathered while we were out, and I shot the house a nasty look, though rationally, I knew it had nothing to do with Lilah’s pain.
“It’s okay,” I finally managed, my voice a little gruff. I rocked her back and forth some more, my heart pounding as she pressed closer to me. “It’s okay.”
In the back of my mind, I marveled a little, even as most of me felt awful. The fact that she was turning to me and seeking comfort in me after everything that had happened...I was the reason that she was having this reaction to coming home, for fuck’s sake!
It was humbling to see how much she trusted me, even though I was the source of the problem.
And I wouldn’t take that for granted, not even a little bit.
It took almost five full minutes of us just sitting there like that, me rubbing her back and making soft, soothing sounds to her, before her entire body stopped shaking and she sighed.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
I let out a humorless chuckle. “I should be the one apologizing to you, again, princess,” I said dryly. I stroked my hand over the soft strands of her hair again before she pulled away, and my heart clenched at the sight of tears in her eyes, glittering like diamonds. “Fuck.”
She shook her head, sucking her lower lip into her mouth and dragging her teeth over it for a moment. I ignored the way my cock jerked at the gesture and continued to focus on her as she let out another shaky sigh and said, “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.”
She growled, frustrated, low in her throat, and my wolf rose to answer, giving a soft, rumbling purr that immediately made her muscles unlock.
“What’s wrong is that I’m an asshole, I didn’t listen to anyone who told me something different than I wanted to hear, and now you’re suffering the consequences.” I swallowed thickly. “And I’m so fucking sorry about it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do enough that I’ll be able to forgive myself. Not that that’s the important thing here, but it’s true.”
Lilah bit her lip harder, and then, slowly, her lips turned up in a tiny smile, and she reached out to brush her fingers through my hair with her trembling fingers. “It’s...not okay. I will never tell you that how you treated me was okay. But we’re going to get through it together.”
I nodded and pulled her in close again. She buried her face in my neck, and the contact with my omega made something inside of me unwind. I purred softly for her until she was a puddle of soft muscles and sweet limbs in my lap, and then finally, she pulled away, and I looked her in the eye. “What do you think, princess? Ready to go inside?”
I knew that going inside...things were about to get worse. But that was okay. I was going to be there for her every step of the way.
She swallowed and then jerked her chin in a nod. “Let’s go.”
***
Lilah
I was being silly—utterly ridiculous—and we both know it. But I still couldn’t stop the fear flooding me like the world’s most insidious virus.
Being with Oliver all day had softened me towards him enough that I’d forgotten that there was a real concern about going back to the house with all the new things for my nest. Now that we were here, my heart was pounding, and I could barely make my limbs move as we made our way through the house.
Oliver was right there with me, though, holding my hand tightly and making sure that I knew I wasn’t alone. I squeezed his hand right back, and he smiled softly down at me as we climbed the stairs and then stopped at the door at the end of the hallway.
Just the sight of the closed door of my nest made the stress symptoms inside of me surge again, and I squeezed my eyes shut as I forced myself to breathe slowly, in and out of my nose.
Oliver dropped the bags from Nests and pressed close behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his cheek on the top of my head. His touch confused my body, but I leaned into it anyway.
His scent said safety but also pain. It said rejection , but also, I’m sorry.
I could smell the sorrow and guilt in his scent as clearly as he could smell my stress, and he continued to rub his cheek against the top of my head as I forced myself to reach out and open the door to the room.
The second that I looked inside and saw every piece of furniture and decoration I had so painstakingly chosen...my knees collapsed underneath me.
My heart screamed, and I squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the tears slowly streaking down my face. My heart pounded, and Oliver sank to the ground with me, not letting me be alone even for a second.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He murmured the words over and over again. His voice was tight, and I could feel the tiny pulses of anguish through the faint bond still lingering.
I nodded, though I couldn’t make my voice work. I know. I know. I know.
That didn’t make it better , but I did know.
He held me there for...longer than I wanted to recognize. My heart pounded, and my head swam, and every few seconds, I felt like I was going to faint, and then I recovered. My body didn’t know if the nest meant safety or trauma, and if the alpha behind me meant rejection or affection.
Oliver continued to hold me and stroke his hands up and down my arms, and I let out a slow, shaky breath as, after what felt like forever, I finally started to relax. My muscles started to unlock, and my brain could think more clearly through the physical stress hormones my body was producing.
“I...I want to go in,” I finally managed, my voice tight.
Oliver stiffened behind me. “Are...are you sure? It’s okay if you don’t...”
I appreciated him wanting to give me an out, but enough was enough. I wasn’t going to get through my trauma if I just waited for it to happen on its own. I had to be proactive.
I swallowed hard, then nodded as I looked over my shoulder at him. “I’m sure. Just...don’t leave?”
I hated the flicker of vulnerability in my voice as I spoke, hated how it gave him the power to hurt me if he so chose.
His arms tightened around me. “I won’t leave. I’ll never leave.”
The conviction in his voice made my stomach flip, and then the two of us stood up. Oliver took my hand in his, and after a moment of staring at the open doorway, I let out a shaky breath and stepped inside.
The second I was fully in the room, though, I collapsed again.
My knees gave out from underneath me, and Oliver went down with me, wrapping his arms tightly around me and holding me firmly against him as we kneeled on the floor. I squeezed my eyes shut, one of my hands flying up to my throat as my breathing grew shallow and fast, and my head swam with images of Oliver’s face as he rejected me, the way that I had attacked him when I had first showed up, the way that I was so desperately trying to keep it together...
“Breathe, princess. In and out, there you go. Come on, Lilah, you can do this. You’re so much better and stronger than this...you can move past what I did to you...” Oliver’s voice grew choked even as he held me and murmured words of encouragement, and the tiny, vindictive voice in the back of my head whispered that if I had to suffer, at least he was suffering too.
I smothered that voice immediately, even as I forced myself to breathe slowly in and out, deep breaths that didn’t make my head spin. He was trying. I was trying. Being glad that he was suffering just as much as I was...that wasn’t who I was. I didn’t want to see him suffer any more than I wanted to be the one suffering.
But none of those good intentions, his or mine, changed the fact that I was suffering, and it was directly because of his actions.
Oliver’s arms tightened around my middle, and he kept murmuring quietly in my ear, building me up as my heart rate slowed and my head stopped spinning, until finally , I was calm, and I could look up and around my nest without panicking or trying to squirm away.
I took a deep, shuddering breath, and Oliver’s arms finally relaxed from around me. “Okay?” he whispered.
I turned around to face him, meeting his gaze—uncharacteristically uncertain, considering his alpha status—and scooted a little closer. “Y-yeah. I think so.” I pressed my lips together, then offered him a small smile. “Thank you. For being here.”
His eyes flickered with a million emotions—self-recrimination, soft affection, guilt, desire— and he nodded, leaning forward so our foreheads were resting together. “Of course. I told you I wouldn’t leave, and I meant it.”
I swallowed and nodded again, and then I pressed closer, tucking my head against his neck and folding myself into his arms.
His entire body stiffened, just for a moment, and then his arms came around me again, tightening firmly as I pressed my face into his pulse point, breathing in his scent where it was the strongest. It made my head spin in a good way this time, and unwittingly, I felt my body warming, arousal flooding my limbs and making me twitchy and soft and pliant at the same time.
A sharp inhale told me that Oliver smelled it, too, and his voice was tense when he breathed, “Lilah...”
I whimpered, my wolf squirming inside of me, desperate to come out and play with our alpha. Now that he had talked me through yet another panic attack, now that he had stood behind me when I had staked my claim in front of another woman, now that we were in my nest and I wasn’t freaking out about it for the first time in weeks...
I couldn’t deny anymore that I wanted him, that my body was straining towards him, begging for him to touch me...in the way that his fellow alphas had already claimed me.
“Oliver.” I barely recognized my voice when I lifted my head to look him in the eye. It was raspy and sultry, filled with desire and longing, and my hands slid up his chest, wrapping around the back of his neck and playing with his soft strands of blond hair where they curled gently.
His eyes darkened as I touched him, and his scent spiked with arousal. A low growl rumbled through him, and his arms tightened around my waist.
“Pick a safe word,” he said, his eyes flashing. “Something you can say that will stop me, no matter what it is that we’re doing.”
Excitement twisted inside of me at his words. “Octopus,” I immediately said, the word flying out of my mouth before I thought twice about it.
His eyes gleamed, and his lips tugged up in a dangerous smirk. “Good girl.”
Then he yanked me forward until I was in his lap, and he crushed his lips against mine in a bruising kiss.