Chapter 13 Cillian
Cillian
Every memory I have of my uncle flashes before my eyes as I watch Kat and Reed share a glance. The fear that lingered in his gaze turned to comfort the moment he saw she was worried.
I don’t miss the way she speaks to him, with a tone and submissiveness I once thought she held only for me. And with the expectation that he’ll make it all okay. That he’ll fix it. That he’ll keep her safe.
“My uncle …” When I clear my throat the two of them stare back at me, and Kat’s quick to place her hand in mine. I pull it under the table, squeezing it tight.
With a heavy breath, Reed looks between the two of us. I’ve never seen him look the way he does. I know four years changed us both, and neither of us for the better.
“It was just too much, too heavy … for it to be true.”
“What you’re saying …” I can’t even finish a fucking sentence. Something deep inside of me is screaming that it makes sense. That ever since my father died and my uncle didn’t even come in and see me, ever since then I knew.
Swallowing thickly I tell him, “Even if he’s not a rat, even if he’s not working both sides, if he killed my father, his only brother …” I leave the last part unsaid. I’ll fucking kill him.
Reed’s statement is spoken lowly, his eyes peering back with mourning. “I know.”
It’s silent for a long moment.
“Back in a minute,” Reed says, getting up from his seat. He heads down the hall into the main restaurant and when he opens the door, the din of the other patrons slips into our private room for a small moment until it’s quiet again.
Kat flips our hands so she’s holding mine. “You okay, Cill?” Her soft voice is the only sound I’ve wanted to hear all this time.
“Lots of memories here,” I say gruffly. It’s true. I used to come here with my dad. We would sit in this same room and talk about whatever came to our minds. Usually it was something to do with Cavanaugh or school. I thought we’d be doing this until he was an old man, but he never got the chance.
Now Reed’s saying it’s our own family who killed him. Anger scorches inside of me, rising up like a slow tide and exhaustion is the only thing keeping it down. If my uncle is behind all this, then I took the fall for nothing.
“I’m starting to doubt everything,” I admit to her. The statement comes with a wave of sadness and regret.
Her gentle murmur makes me take it back though, “Everything?” she asks. Her wide hazel eyes beg me not to regret her and damn, if she ever thought I’d give her up or that I would take back anything between us, she’s gravely mistaken.
With my fingers slipping under her chin, I whisper against her lips, “Not you, my little hellcat.” With a soft kiss against her lips, I add, “Not us.”
“What Reed just said is heavy and this place has to be difficult to be in,” she tells me once I drop my hand from her chin. Nestling in next to me, she molds her side to mine, but stares at the door.
“Yeah, it’s getting to me.” I bite my tongue before saying the second half: and I believe Reed.
“You want to go home?” Kat murmurs.
“Not yet.”
I want to sit here until I figure something out. I don’t know what, exactly. Just something. I don’t want to take this unsettled feeling back to her place with us.
The owner pokes his head in the door before coming out to see us.
The sight of Nello makes my lips pull up in an asymmetric smirk.
He’s older than I remember him, with gray hair around his temples that was never there before and wrinkles around his eyes when he grins and says, “Cillian, how are you doing, young man? Is there anything I can get you?”
“No, thank you, Mr. Russo. I appreciate you letting us have this table last minute.”
His hands clasp in front of him as he fiddles with his red tie. With black suit pants and a crisp white dress shirt, it’s obvious he’s the one in charge of this place. “Of course. It’s the least I could do. I’m so sorry about your father,” he adds, his tone somber.
Immediately, that bit of warmth I held vanishes. “Thank you.”
He seems to regret his condolences, quickly turning his attention to Kat. “Is there anything I can get you, dear?”
Dear. He’s forgotten her name. I know she hasn’t been here as much as me, but she came with me a handful of times.
“No, thank you,” answers Kat. She tries to put a smile on her face, but it’s not real. Kat gives up halfway through. That scares the hell out of me. She always could do that. Smile when everything was going to shit.
With a nod, I think he’ll leave us to it, but before he turns, he asks me, “You doing okay?”
“I’m glad to be out.”
“You have everything you need?”
I’ve known this man for almost as long as I can remember. What Reed said has me questioning everything.
“Can I get you dessert?”
I didn’t think I could eat another bite, but Kat perks up when she hears about dessert.
“Chocolate cake sound okay?” he asks her.
“Sure does. Maybe to go?” she adds and he says, of course. That’s what he always says. He’s amenable to men like me.
He glances down at our hands on the table as Reed comes back into the room. “What happened to your hand? You need anything for that?”
It’s kind of him to ignore the matching bruises Reed and I are sporting. I flex it, stretching out my fingers and shaking my head as Reed takes his seat. “I tried to become a handyman and did something dumb with a hammer. Won’t make that mistake again.”
“Be more careful,” he scolds, smiling with his eyes.
“Hey, Nello,” I say before he can exit the room completely.
“What’s that, Cill?”
“If anybody asks, we were here a little earlier. In fact, we've been back here all day.”
He nods shortly, his gaze staying on mine. “You got it.”
The moment the door closes, giving us privacy once again, Reed speaks, “Well, you didn’t kill me. So I take it, what I said about what happened and about your uncle–”
Readjusting in my seat, I cut him off. “We’ll talk about it later,” I tell him and then glance between the two of them. “I want to,” I start but shut my mouth as the waiter enters the room.
He brings chocolate cake packaged in a little black box tied with a red ribbon, halting the conversation.
I’m short with him, but my voice is as even as it can be. “Just the bill and a few more minutes, please.”
“I want to talk about you two,” I tell them both the moment the stiff silence greets us once again. “What the hell happened to you?” My gaze is solely on Kat.
She swallows thickly and pulls her hands into her lap. “What do you mean?”
“You’re not yourself.” I know it’s hypocritical coming from me, but it’s true.
“You’re scared and unsure and you,” I say and bring my attention to Reed, motioning toward him, “you fucked Reed … was that before or after you ended it with me?” I didn’t mean to say that last part.
Fuck, I don’t want to know. “I never thought you’d do that. What happened to my hellcat?”
“I—” Kat looks down at her chocolate cake, then back up at me. “I lost everything. I lost you … and then … I felt like I didn’t deserve you.”
Tears shine in her eyes and her face flushes. It kills me to see her this way. She isn’t like she used to be. This strong woman who could handle anything. Hell, maybe it’s me who remembers her differently … or maybe it’s just because we were kids who didn’t know shit.
I grab her hand again. “I love you, Kat.”
Her eyes meet mine, disbelieving and filled with tears. “Cill …”
“I love the woman you were,” I tell her and make sure she’s staring back at me when I continue, “and the woman you are now. Let me see you smile again. I want to make you smile again.”
“I don’t know if I can do that right now,” she murmurs.
I let my mind unravel, every thought slipping out, “You weren’t scared of anybody. You didn’t cry yourself to sleep at night. You didn’t refuse to smile. And you didn’t fucking cheat on me.”
Her eyes come to mine, glossy with tears. She doesn’t deny it. That it happened before she ended it with me. Fuck. Dread pricks across my skin.
“Why?” I’m barely paying attention to Reed anymore. He hasn’t said a word and I can’t look away from Kat. “Why did you do it?” My throat’s tight and dry.
She glances at the door. “We shouldn’t have this conversation here. If you want to talk, we should go home.”
“I’m not going home until you tell me why you thought it was better to cheat on me than wait just one more year.
” My pulse races. “You stayed through the hardest shit. Even when my father died …” I’m losing my shit, and I know it.
Emotions surge through me and make me want to punch something, or fuck something.
It blew a hole through my chest to hear about her and Reed.
I’m not going to spend another second sitting nicely at the dinner table while she keeps this secret from me. Hiding it does even more damage.
“I just don’t think—”
“Why, Kat? Why did you do it? I was in prison, I lost my father.” I can’t help that my voice raises as I pound a fist to my chest. “I deserve an explanation.”
Kat snaps, the fire coming back into her eyes. She digs her fingernails into the tablecloth. “You were angry,” she says, her voice shaking with emotion. “Everyone hated me, and I lost them. I lost everyone.”
“There’s no way they hated you,” I tell her, but I’m not sure. I don’t know. I wasn’t there, because I was in prison. I should have been by her side.
“Your father was the only one that still accepted me at Cavanaugh. He was there when my father left.” Her voice tightens and she takes in a heavy breath before continuing.
“And you were so angry and hateful and turning into someone I didn’t recognize.
” Her voice drops. My hellcat is beautiful when she’s pissed like this and all her angry energy is focused on me.
Tears glisten on her cheeks but they’re not a sign of weakness.
It’s like she’s crying broken glass and doesn’t care.
“And I just wanted to be held for a moment. I wanted someone to say I wasn’t crazy and that it was going to be okay, and you—you—”
She shakes her head, pulling back. The blaze in her eyes becomes less heated.
“You had too much, it was too heavy and I couldn’t hold any more, Cill. We got into that fight–”
“It was one fight—” I argue back. I remember it well. I raised my voice at her. I vented. I took my anger out on her. I know I did. I apologized a hundred times, but I know I lost her that day. How could I have possibly kept her? I was fucking locked in a cage. I couldn’t make it right.
“It wasn’t just a fight. It was me realizing I couldn’t help you anymore.”
“So we got in one fight and you–”
“You’re not listening,” she says, cutting me off, her anger blistering between us. This … this is what I know. The woman here I know how to handle.
“I needed you. I couldn’t have you.”
“So you went to Reed?”
“He came to me … and I couldn’t say no, because I needed someone to love me. I’m sorry”
“I never stopped loving you.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I’m not saying that.” She’s on edge, barely containing herself. “I’m sorry.” She’s at war with her anger and I’ve been here before with this woman. Only then she didn’t hold back, she let me have it. Which is exactly what I deserved.
“Kat, I never stopped loving you.”
“I love you, Cill. I’ve always loved you. I was just so lost and upset. And so damn alone.”
“Come here.”
I pull her into my lap and kiss her. I can taste her tears on her lips, but as soon as her mouth is on mine she’s fully my hellcat again.
I taste her like I haven’t had the chance for four years.
I kiss her like we might not have another chance when we walk out of here.
Kat pulls back and I let out a sigh. It feels like I’ve been holding it in for my entire life.
“What was that?” she questions.
“My hellcat just came back to me.” I put my hands on the small of her back and hold her closer. “Hit me.”
“What?”
“Hit me, Kat.” She puts her hands on my shoulders instead. “Curse me out. Do whatever you need to, but don’t you dare leave me.”
She laughs and wipes away her tears. “Where would I go, Cill?”
“Anywhere you wanted.”
“It wouldn’t matter,” she tells me. “You’re in my head, and in my heart. You’d still be with me. Except I wouldn’t have you to talk to, and that would be hell. I know it would be, because it was hell when you went away.”
“It was hell for both of us.”
“You were fucking stupid to take the fall and say it was yours.” There she is. That’s my hellcat. I’m so damn relieved she’s back. She would call me out back then, and I want her to do it now. “Possession and distribution. You should have kept your mouth shut and not said it was yours.”
“I know. I was stupid. I thought I was doing a good thing. It didn’t take long to realize I had fucked up.”
“I hated you for it, Cill,” Kat admits. She knows I can take it. That’s what I wanted from her all along. I don’t want her to treat me like I’m made of glass. “I hated that you did it and I watched you wither away.” Her eyes shine with tears again. “I still loved you, even when I hated you.”
“Well, I’m back, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Hellcat.”
“I love you too.”
She leans in and gives me a sweet, soft kiss. It reminds me of the way we used to kiss when we were teenagers and still figuring out how to do it right. Kat’s always done it right. She can be a hellion, but she always kissed like we were in love.
I guess we were.
I know we still are.
Kat looks into my eyes, and I get lost in the moment.
It’s too damn much for the dinner table but I don’t care.
The only way I was going to walk out of here is if I solved something.
Now we’ve solved it. And if there’s still bullshit with Cavanaugh to be dealt with, at least we have an understanding of one another.
Her eyes go wide. “Oh no. Reed—”
We both turn to where Reed was sitting and find the chair empty.