Chapter 9
Luca
Iliked Addison’s house. It was homey, comfortable, and yet spacious enough there was never clutter. She had gone with earth tones to decorate, which was a change from what most of my friends had for their homes. She had done away with the token millennial gray on her walls, although my house was more of that color just because it was what had already been there when I moved in. But she had four screen walls in the living room because she had such large windows on the side that faced the mountains and it lit up the whole room. She had decorated the house with mustard yellow and royal blue accessories, and each room looked perfectly bohemian, with a touch of hipster, and a touch of princess as well.
It fit her, and I loved being here.
I loved the large kitchen, and had cooked there a few times for just the two of us, since we were friends.
I felt at home here, which was odd because Addison and I hadn’t truly known each other too long. But as soon as we met we had clicked, and here we were. Things changing, irrevocably. Just like they always seemed to.
“I am all unpacked,” Addison said as she entered the living room wearing linen pants, a crop top cotton tee with no bra, and I knew that because it was slightly chilly in here, and her hair loose and flowing to her shoulders. She had washed off her makeup while I made a quick dinner in her kitchen, using whatever she had on hand—a lemon sauce linguini with extra garlic. It wasn’t enough protein for her, but we both loved pasta so it was going to have to be enough.
“Good. I am glad you got your shower in. I know getting sick on the side of the road wasn’t your idea of fun.”
She winced, shaking her head. “I’m sorry about that. Thank you for pulling over though.”
I raised a brow then slid her plate across the kitchen island. “I’m just glad that you didn’t vomit on me. Though this probably isn’t the best dinner conversation.”
“Thank you for cooking. Seriously.” She ducked her head, blushing. “You really are good at it.”
I shrugged and took a bite. It needed a little more pepper, but I didn’t feel like getting the pepper to add it.
We ate in silence. Neither one of us even bothering to sit. Morning sickness had been hard on her, and I was glad that she was able to eat. Maybe if I kept stuffing my mouth with food, then I wouldn’t think about the fact that we needed to have a talk.
Because we shouldn’t have done what we had the night before. Or maybe we should have.
We needed to actually talk about our feelings and figure out what the fuck we wanted.
But of course, that would mean I would actually have to know what that was, and that wasn’t going to happen in her kitchen over linguini.
But I wanted to know.
I needed to know.
“We should talk.”
I hadn’t even realized I had said the words out loud until she looked up and swallowed hard, a little piece of cheese on her lip.
Being the idiot that I was, I leaned forward and wiped her lip with my thumb.
“You had cheese.”
“Oh. Right. Yes, we should talk. Here. I just thought we’d have a few more minutes. But then something else would come up and we’d put it off.”
“We both know that’s true. We’re good at procrastinating.”
She nodded, then looked off into the distance. “Thank you. For this weekend.”
I raised a brow and she blushed. “Not for that. I mean, yes for that too. Because no matter what else happens, just know that you are amazing at that.”
I nearly puffed out my chest. But I was better than that. Marginally.
“Addison.”
“Thank you though. For real. For this whole weekend. For just being you. Because no matter what happens, no matter how many crazy moves we make or whatever slams into us from now on, I know that no matter what, I could only do this with you. You’re Luca. You’re steady and you’re amazing and you’re a rock. And I feel like a frantic mess who is trying to catch up, but you are so steady.”
“You call me steady one more time, I’m going to throw you over my shoulder and show you exactly how unsteady I feel right now.”
I hadn’t meant to growl the words, and when her eyes widened I nearly cursed myself.
But I couldn’t, not just then.
We needed to talk, we needed to get this out.
“We’re going to have a baby. It’s real, and somehow we’re going to have to make this work. But no matter what, we have to make sure that we don’t screw up who we are.”
I had a feeling we had already done that, especially after last night, as there would be no coming back from that.
But maybe screwing up who we were didn’t have to screw everything up completely.
Maybe we could change into what we needed to be.
Though I needed to figure out what that was.
“Okay. So we do this together. No matter what happens, I’ll be there. Sonograms, doctor’s appointments, helping you figure out what to wear for maternity clothes—all of it. I’m going to be there for first steps, first days of school. Everything.”
Because no matter what happened, this was my best friend and we were bringing life into the world. This was it.
We were going to have a child. No amount of pretending that didn’t exist was going to help.
And I would not abandon my child like my family had abandoned us.
I knew Addison had grown up with a relatively normal set of parents. Parents who loved her and cared for her and didn’t treat her like she was in their way. She had a solid base and had turned out to be a strong, confident, and terrifyingly amazing woman because of them.
My brothers and sister and I had come out who we were despite our parents.
But we were okay.
I knew that.
I just needed to prove it to myself sometimes.
“Of course, I know you’re always going to be there. But…” She let out a breath. “We can never sleep together again.”
My eyebrows rose and I shook my head.
“We can’t really take back what happened last night, or the night that brought forth this lovely little complication.”
Addison ran her hands through her hair, then started doing dishes. I grabbed a towel to start drying, both of us in sync as if we’d done this thousands of times. It was practically domestic.
But we had been friends first, and that was the hard part to remember.
“Sleeping together last night was a mistake.”
I held back a flinch, but I knew she was right.
It made things far more complicated, far more twisty. We wouldn’t be able to act rational like we both needed if we kept letting feelings and hormones get in the way.
“And I know that this is going to be hard, especially when our family and friends find out.” She winced. “Oh my God, we’re going to have to tell our family and friends.”
I winced as she handed over a plate so I could dry it. “Yes. My brothers are going to kick my ass.”
“Excuse me? I’m the woman who deflowered their baby brother.”
I scowled. “I wasn’t a virgin before we met, you know.”
Clouds filled her eyes, and I could have cursed for that. Then again, she just used the word deflowered.
“I know. But you are still their baby brother. And I’m just the crazy best friend who slept with you.”
“I’m pretty sure we slept with each other. More than once. Remember? I’m the one who told you to take my cock. And you’re the one who greedily accepted.”
“Luca Cassidy, don’t say things like that. It’s hard to think when you do.”
“Well, we were thinking pretty well last night, weren’t we?”
“That’s why we can’t do that again. It makes things too complicated. We’re already a tangled mess, and we can’t be our rational selves and figure out what to do next with all of this if we are too busy worrying about sleeping together again. So we’re not going to do that, ever.”
I raised a brow. “So, we’re going to raise this child as friends, with what, both of us having separate lives and dating other people and pretending that we’re okay with that?”
I hadn’t meant to say it like that, I didn’t even know if us dating was the right move, but I didn’t want to throw it away. To toss out just the idea of it because it was too hard.
“Luca, I just, I’ve never allowed myself to feel like that for you. I never wanted to lose your friendship.”
“Don’t put sex off the table. Because if we do that, it’s going to make things worse. We’re adults though. We can do this.”
“Okay, but we’re going to be friends first, no matter what. Because that is worth more than anything. Orgasms are great, but friendship is more. As is the fact that we’re going to be raising a child and it’s going to change everything. It’s going to be so fucking ridiculous. I need to make sure that you are on board with this. That you are on board with midnight feedings and the fact that our lives are going to completely change.”
“I’m there, Addison. I’ve been there.”
“Okay. I know you’re always there.”
I wanted to curse at that, at the fact that it sounded as if it were my own epitaph, but I didn’t. Instead, I just reached out and cupped her face.
“One step at a time. Telling our friends and family is a big step. And then doctor’s visits, and work. But, Addison? I care about you.”
There was something here, something I couldn’t just ignore because it was difficult. I knew she wanted to, that she felt like she needed to ignore it. But fuck that. I wasn’t going to let her walk away and put me in a box because she was scared.
Because I cared. I wanted to know her. I wanted more.
I just hoped that she didn’t hate me in the end.
“Luca, I care about you too.”
“Don’t Luca me. We’re going to tell the family, and then we’re going to figure out when the next doctor’s appointment is. I’m going to be there, no matter what. I’m not going to date anyone else. I’m not going to bring anyone else into this. It’s just you and me, Addison. You’re my best friend, that’s just the way it’s going to have to be.”
I knew she was scared, but hell, so was I.
She had so much going on in her mind, so I had to be the one to step up first. To lay the groundwork.
I just hoped like hell I was doing the right thing. But when she didn’t tell me no, when she didn’t back away, I counted that as a win.
At least until the next step, which would probably ruin everything.
“So, when do we tell the family?”
“Soon. Though it’s not going to be easy.”
“I know.”
“I’m not going away, Addison. So you’re stuck with me.”
I didn’t add the word forever, though it felt to me as if it were screamed in the distance.
Because no matter what, we were connected forever.
In two trimesters, everything would change again.
I just needed to make sure she knew how much I cared.
That, hell, I wanted more.
Shit. I hadn’t realized that until this moment.
That was something I was going to have to deal with.
All the while, seeing if the woman in my arms could maybe want me back.
That wasn’t going to be difficult. Not at all.