9.
Hillary
J essica takes me to a bar on the other side of town. We’re nowhere close to work, which is good. I need the space for what’s about to happen. The conversation we’re going to have isn’t my favorite. She orders us a couple of martinis, and then we sit in a corner booth.
“Spill.”
“You first,” I say.
“My wife is wonderful,” she says. She smiles. “We’ve decided to adopt a cat.”
“That’s it?” I ask. Somehow, I thought there would be more news, bigger news.
“That’s it,” she says.
“Are you feeling excited?”
“I am,” she says. “And my sister is coming in town, too. She’ll stay with me for a little while.”
“Your sister?”
“She’s a professor,” Jessica explains. “She just accepted a new position here.”
“What does she teach?”
“Literature,” Jessica says. She waves her hand. “Don’t ask me anything more about that. I can’t tell you the difference between Shakespeare and Chaucer.”
I laugh. “English was never my best subject, Jess, but even I can tell you that.”
“Then can you tell me why you’re upset?”
“No.”
“Want to try?”
The martinis arrive. Jessica thanks our server, but I stay quiet and stare at my drink. This is a rare opportunity to completely spill my guts to someone who will completely understand, but I can’t.
“Hillary, your problem is that you’re a people pleaser.”
“I’m not.”
She shrugs.
I stare at Jessica. She’s wearing a black blazer with a red top, black pants, red heels. She looks perfect in every way, and honestly, she sort of is. She’s a hardass, and it was always challenging to work with her, but we made it happen somehow.
The two of us were like fire and ice in so many ways, but in others, we were an uneatable team.
We were a dynamic duo.
“You kind of are,” she says. “I don’t mean that you feel this obligation to suck up to people or to have them like you,” Jessica clarifies. “What I mean is that you’re kind.”
“I don’t really see how that’s a bad thing.”
“It’s not. Not always, anyway. You have to get over it, though. You have to start figuring out how you’re going to connect with people on a deeper level. I’m not saying you should sacrifice who you are, but I am saying that you need to somehow decide what it is that you want, and then you need to go for that thing.”
“What I want is to be good at my job,” I say.
She stares at me, waiting.
“You can’t outwait me,” I say. “I taught you that trick.”
“Oh, no, you didn’t.” Jessica smiles. She brings her glass to her lips. “I’m pretty much the unstoppable expert when it comes to this.”
The waiting game, she means. If you wait long enough, people get uncomfortable with the silence, and they start talking. That’s how it works.
“I did teach you,” I say, muttering.
“Well, we’re talking now, so just tell me.”
“Fine,” I say. I slam down the martini. I’m going to need it. Before I start speaking, Jessica gestures to the server that we’d like another round.
“Go,” she says.
“I want to fuck Emily.”
“Your new assistant?”
“Yes.”
“So?”
“What do you mean, so?”
“I mean, what’s the problem? Can you be professional? Respectful?”
I stare at her.
“It’s against company policy.”
She laughs.
“Is it?”
“I...yes?” Only now, I’m not so certain.
“Look,” Jessica says. She places her hands on the table, and then on top of my hands. “You’re going to figure this out, Hill. You always do.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I’m sure because I’m sure of you. I trust you. You’ve got this totally under control.”
“Again, how can you be certain?” I shake my head.
“You worked for me for a long time.”
“I’m aware.”
“Want to know why?”
“I’m good at my job.”
“No,” she says.
“No?”
“Well, you are good at your job, but that’s not the only reason you worked for me for so long.”
“Then what is it?”
“You worked for me for so long because you don’t fuck things up. You’re organized. You’re professional. You keep things carefully in line, and in order.”
“Sounds like you miss me,” I say.
“I do,” she says, “but I don’t have any interest in holding you back.”
“Nothing’s holding me back,” I say.
She stares at me.
“Except myself,” I say, sighing. “I guess.”
“Look,” Jessica says, “I believe in you so much.”
“Thank you.”
“And what I really believe in is the idea that you’re going to be able to handle all of this without anyone telling you what to do.”
“Untrue, but I appreciate the support.”
“Are we late?” I look up to see a group of smiling women approaching us. Jessica waves, but doesn’t stand. Everyone gathers around the table.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“We came as soon as we got her message.”
“Her message?” I turn to Jessica. “Did you text all of your friends and ask them to come give me relationship advice?”
She shrugs. “Couldn’t hurt.”
“Shit.”
Everyone sits, and introductions are made quickly. Her girlfriend, Toni, is here, along with Melanie, Brianna, Sarah, Ashley, Jordan, and Clara. It’s quite the crowd, but everyone is both paired off and wildly comfortable with the situation.
“Tell us everything,” Clara says kindly. She reaches for my hands and holds them in hers. I look to Jordan, who smiles.
“She knows what she’s talking about,” Jordan says.
“It’s true.” Clara grins. “I give the best advice.”
“If only you’d take some of your own from time to time,” Ashley says, chuckling.
“That’s not fair,” Clara says, pouting.
“It kind of us,” Brianna smirks.
“Look,” Jordan says, turning back to me, “we want to help.”
“I get that. It’s just that...well, this is kind of messy.”
“Lots of people fall in love with their employees,” Melanie says helpfully. She smiles at Brianna, and I wonder, just for a moment, whether their experiences were easier than mine. I’m not exactly feeling super positive about what’s going to happen between me and Emily right now.
“Look, I was literally looking for love,” I say. “She’d already been hired. I didn’t know Emily was my new assistant until she accidentally told me.”
“You met on an app?” Ashley asks.
“Yes,” I say. “And we talked for hours upon hours. I know so much about her that I really shouldn’t know.”
“Like what?” Melanie asks. Her eyes twinkle.
Like how she’s had her heart broken.
Like how she doesn’t believe in love anymore.
Like how she wants to be touched.
I shouldn’t have asked her the things that I asked her, but I did, and now I see her every day, and it’s driving me apart.
“Just stuff,” I say lamely.
“You talked about sex, didn’t you?” Jordan asks, smiling.
“Of course, they did,” Ashley rolls her eyes.
“It is Hillary,” Jessica adds.
“Excuse you!” I say quickly. “Are you really throwing me under the bus right now? In my moment of need?”
Jessica laughs.
“The only thing you need is a push to get you going, my dear, and that’s what we’re doing.”
“I don’t need a push. I already kissed her!” The words leave my mouth before I can stop myself. I clap a hand over my lips.
“You sly fox,” Jessica says. “You didn’t tell me that.”
“Well, it’s personal,” I say.
“It’s not that personal,” she says.
“It’s kind of personal.”
“How was it?” Jordan asks.
“Did you use tongue?” Clara says.
“Of course they used tongue. This isn’t middle school.” Ashley grins at me. “Tell us everything,” she says.
“No! This is really personal.”
“And yet here we are, drinking to you and this woman. What’s her name?”
“Emily,” I say. There’s no point in trying to hide her name. They’ll get it out of me soon, anyway. “Her name is Emily.”
“Well, Emily doesn’t know what she’s missing.”
“Yeah,” a familiar voice says from behind me. “I think I do.”
Fuck.