Twenty-Three
TWENTY-THREE
J ACKSON LEANED HIS hip against the kitchen counter as he talked on his cell phone, overwhelmed by a sense of foreboding he couldn’t seem to shake. Throughout their separation, he’d never felt farther away from Maya than he did at that moment. He struggled to stay positive. “So, you’re sleeping better these days without your cast on?”
“It felt weird at first without it, but yeah, and my ribs are pretty much fine now,” she answered. He heard her smother a yawn before continuing. “Glad you got the green light today from the docs.”
“Me too.” She was lonely. He could hear it in her voice, even if she’d never admit to it. He’d have given anything to be beside her right then. “I’m not sorry to be finished with all my rehab.” His abs were killing him from all the core-strengthening exercises they had him doing. He needed to be in peak condition before he went back to Bagram to finish his tour, and he was getting close.
“I’ll bet.” She yawned again, doing her best to smother it so he wouldn’t hear.
He hid his disappointment, knowing their conversation was at an end. “You sound wiped. I’ll let you go so you can get to sleep.” It was only eight on the West Coast, but he knew she hadn’t been sleeping well the past few weeks.
“Sorry. I’m not much of a conversationalist tonight, am I?”
“It’s okay, I’ll call you tomorrow night. Sweet dreams, baby,” Jackson murmured.
“Thanks. You too. Good night.”
He waited for her to say something else, something more meaningful, but she was already gone. Disconnecting, he stood staring out the kitchen window into the backyard illuminated by the streetlamps in the alley. God, he missed her. It was a physical ache inside him, growing every day he went without seeing her, not being able to touch her. Talking on the phone wasn’t good enough anymore. When the hell was he going to get the chance to be with her?
Seven weeks, he thought with a miserable shake of his head. A whole seven weeks since he’d last seen her. His last memory of her was seeing those fear-filled eyes staring at him from across the emergency ward in Kandahar. He’d wanted so badly to erase that look on her face, stroke the furrows of concern from her forehead with his fingers before they wheeled him into the O.R. Through all the psych sessions and all the other things he was forced to recall these past two months, that frightened look on her face was the memory that stuck in his head most often.
He sensed movement behind him and knew without looking it was his sister, Angela, who’d been kind enough to put him up for this two-week leave the Air Force was giving him before he had to rejoin his unit at Bagram. He’d only arrived yesterday.
“Was that Maya?” she asked softly, her tone cautious.
“Yeah.”
“How’s she doing?”
He shrugged. “Same.” They’d talked almost every day since she’d called him on his cell at the hospital in Germany, and yet more than ever he was convinced she was pulling away from him. He didn’t understand what was happening. Whenever he tried to broach the subject of a relationship or talk about how she was handling the aftereffects of their ordeal in Afghanistan, she either closed up or steered the conversation in a superficial direction. He was worried as hell about her and it drove him fucking nuts that she was all alone. Now that his leave had started, maybe he should hop a flight in the morning and go find out in person what the deal was.
Angela came up to rest her chin on his shoulder. “Isn’t there anyone to stay with her?”
He shook his head, the movement tight. Maya didn’t have anyone in her life except Ace, and she wasn’t going to ask her friend to stay with her even if Ace had volunteered. Because ever since Pilar died, Maya had fought her battles alone and still wouldn’t accept that she no longer had to live like that anymore. She had him, and some part of her had to recognize that. But he couldn’t be there for her if she wasn’t willing to lean on him. He knew it wasn’t personal, since she obviously trusted and cared about him a lot. Didn’t make the distance hurt any less.
He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Boys all tucked in?”
“They’re already asleep because you wore them both out today.” She rubbed his upper arm gently. “You love her, don’t you?”
“Yes.” And it was more painful than the bullet wound he’d just recovered from.
Ang made a sympathetic sound. “She must really be something.”
“She is.”
“And she must really care about you if you guys talk so often. She’s keeping in touch, at least.”
He was silent for a long moment before answering. “I feel like I’m losing her somehow, Ang.” Saying it aloud made the fear sharper, more vivid, but he knew his sister would understand.
Ang slid both her arms around his waist and leaned against him, both of them staring out the darkened window. “You want to rescue her.”
He couldn’t deny it. On a primal level, yeah, he wanted to rescue her. She’d been through more shit than anyone should have to deal with in an entire lifetime. He wanted to be there to support her. They’d both come through hell together and they could help each other heal.
Ang hugged him tighter. “I know that’s how you’re wired, but based on what you’ve told me about her, she doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who would appreciate anyone thinking she needs to be rescued. She’s dealt with everything else on her own, and I’ll bet to her this is no different. She wants to come through this on her terms, prove she’s strong enough to handle it. It’s not that she doesn’t trust you. It’s that she doesn’t trust herself enough to be vulnerable again. She’s still afraid.”
She said the words gently, but they still made him wince because they were dead-on. Maya would hate leaning on anyone through this, even him. She’d hate it even more that he wanted to pull the whole whiteknight routine. In her mind she always had to be the tough Security Forces lieutenant, take care of herself.
He understood why, but it was killing him not to take action, not be there to protect and comfort her. Getting through this hadn’t been easy for him, and he’d had the constant support of his family and friends. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for Maya, going home to her empty apartment day after day through all the grueling counseling sessions.
In the quiet of the tidy kitchen, he shook his head and expelled a loud breath. “You’re right, as usual. How the hell did you get to be so smart, anyway?”
“Because I’m your big sister and older and wiser than you.” She gave him another squeeze, her unyielding love and support taking the edge off the ache inside him. “Give her time to heal more. She’ll let you in when she’s ready.”
God, he hoped so. Because the alternative was too fucking painful to contemplate and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could wait for her to come to him.
* * *
W HEN SHE PULLED her bike up to the curb beside the white ranch-style house the next afternoon and shut off the engine, Maya’s stomach was twisted into knots. Jackson wasn’t expecting her. She had no idea what his reaction would be.
The tidy house sat in the middle of its well-manicured yard in suburban San Antonio, and she felt completely out of place. In her earbuds, instead of her usual hip-hop, Keith Urban’s “For You” played, the infamous track number three Haversham had told her about.
She probably shouldn’t have listened to this particular playlist on the way over, because she was already emotional enough. The song had such meaning for her, especially since it was about one teammate sacrificing himself for another. Along with it, Jackson had loaded up his iPod with tracks selected just for her. Formerly a hip-hop lover, she was now an appreciator of country music and had learned to love 50s blues because of him as well. The transformation was all his fault.
His sister sure lived in a nice neighborhood. Way nicer than Maya had grown up in back in L.A. But now she was starting to question her decision to spring this on him as a surprise. She’d almost caved and told him she was in town last night when they’d talked. Something in his voice had stopped her. After imagining this moment so many times over the past two months, it was hard to believe it was actually happening. Still, she couldn’t quite force herself to walk up the path to the front door. Not yet.
Part of her was still worried that she’d built up her “relationship” with Jackson to be more than it actually was. While it seemed to her that they were in a relationship, she was about to find out whether it was true.
Whatever happened once she knocked on that door would change her life forever. She just hoped it would be the start of all her dreams coming true, rather than a continuation of her nightmares.
Pushing out a calming breath, she set her helmet on the back of the bike and took those first fateful steps toward the front door. On the welcome mat laid out on the wooden front porch, she paused to smooth back her hair and braced herself. The doorbell chimed inside the house when she pressed the button. A moment later approaching footsteps ramped her anxiety level to a whole new high.
The door swung open. Her heart skipped a beat and seemed to stop altogether when Jackson appeared in the opening, wearing jeans and a T-shirt and his three-year-old nephew perched atop his broad shoulders. His deep brown eyes widened and his lips parted in shock, as though she was the last person he’d ever expected to find on his sister’s doorstep. “Hey,” he breathed.
Having the kid watching them from Jackson’s shoulders threw her for a moment. “Hi.” So , um , I was in the neighborhood because I wanted to see you so badly I hopped on my bike three days ago and drove here.
Because yeah, that didn’t sound desperate or anything.
Jackson slid the boy from his shoulders, the motion emphasizing the bulge of his biceps and shoulder muscles beneath that snug white T-shirt. “Hey, buddy, go on inside and keep your brother outta trouble, will you? I’ll be inside in a minute.”
“Who’s she?” the little guy demanded.
“This is my friend Maya I told you about. Go on, now.”
The boy dragged himself into the house, and Jackson quietly shut the front door behind him before facing her. Her stomach was a hot ball of nerves. She was wracking her brain for something to say to fill the awkward void, convinced she’d made a huge mistake in showing up unannounced, when he suddenly reached for her.
A funny sound came out of her throat. Maya launched herself into his embrace, wrapping her arms around those broad shoulders and burying her face in his chest, breathing in his scent. Soap, citrus and wintergreen. Jackson hugged her tight, holding her close with a ragged sound that came from his gut. She hitched in a breath and squeezed her eyes shut, praying she wouldn’t cry. A shudder ripped through her. After weeks of lonely isolation spent aching for him, she was finally in his arms. The feel and smell of him wrapped around her, familiar and comforting.
“Did you drive all the way here from California?” He sounded stunned.
She nodded, her cheek rubbing over his chest. “I left three days ago. Wanted to surprise you.”
“You did. God , I missed you, baby,” he said roughly against the side of her neck, holding her so tight.
She bobbed her head, fighting for composure. “Missed you too. But I was such a mess. I couldn’t come to you until I was sure it was real.” She didn’t know how to make him understand.
“If what was real?” She could hear the frown in his voice.
“This. Us. ” How could she explain it to him? “My therapist forced me to take a hard look at what you and I had been through. For the longest time I wondered if what I felt for you was real, or if it was just because of how intense things were out there. I had to be sure it was you I wanted, not just the sense of security you gave me because of the captivity. And then I had to figure out if I wasn’t imagining that you wanted me too. Otherwise it wouldn’t be healthy.”
He released a hard sigh. “God, of course I want you. You seriously doubted that, for even a second? Christ.” He squeezed her tighter, his arms so strong and protective she almost melted. “I wish you’d said something sooner. I hate that you went through all of this alone.”
She shook her head. “It was better this way. I didn’t want you seeing me like that.” She’d been a shadow of her former self. A frightened, insecure woman afraid that Khalid had broken something inside her. A woman afraid to sleep without a light on, jumping at every strange noise, questioning everything about her life. “I’m not the same person I was before all this. But I think I’m better for it. A lot of that is because of you, by the way. Hearing your voice every night helped me a lot.” It was so much easier saying all this with her face pressed into the solid curve of his shoulder. Didn’t mean she wasn’t still shaking inside though.
His arms tightened fiercely. “I would’ve been there for you if you’d let me. Dammit, I would’ve been there.”
She hugged him back. “I know you would have. But I wasn’t ready.” She never wanted to be a burden to him.
With a sigh, he released her and cupped her face between his hands, forcing her gaze up to his. His eyes were misty. “You know this is real now, though. Right?”
Gazing up into those warm, dark eyes, she nodded. She loved him. She’d never been surer of anything in her life. A sudden lump filled her throat, and it was growing by the second. She swallowed hard. “So, how are you? Really.” Her eyes dropped to his belly where the T-shirt hid his scars.
“All healed up, just missed you like hell.” His gaze traveled over the length of her body with concern and interest. Then he frowned. “You look thinner.”
“I lost some weight when I came home, but I’m gaining it back. I’ve been working out again too, so that’s helped me put some muscle back on.” The mundane conversation was killing her. Say what you need to say. She exhaled and gave a shaky laugh. “I changed my mind about coming here a dozen times. I almost turned around in Tucson.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.” He was still holding her face, as though he couldn’t bear to stop touching her.
She gathered her courage. She didn’t want to have this conversation out on the front porch where anyone might overhear it, but too bad. “I wanted to come see you before, but I couldn’t until I was strong again.”
He tilted his head to study her. “I don’t like it, but I guess I can understand. Sort of.”
The lump was all but choking her now. “I missed you every day.” It came out a rough whisper.
“Ah, baby, I know. C’mere.” He tipped her face up to his. After searching her eyes for a moment, Jackson lowered his head and kissed her. A tiny sound escaped her, half gasp, half whimper. She threaded her hands into his silky soft hair and drank him in, reveling in every single sensation. He tasted like sweet tea and smelled of warm, clean man. And she’d missed him every single minute they’d been apart.
He kissed her deep and hard, one arm wrapped around her back and the other holding her head still. When his tongue slid into her mouth, she was ready to climb him like a tree just to get closer, frantic to feel more of him. Before the kiss could get completely out of hand, he pressed his mouth to hers one last time, firmly, like a stamp of ownership, and eased back. His eyes smoldered with the promise of more to come later. “Come on inside with me.”
Maya hesitated. His eldest sister was in there, and her children. This was their home. She didn’t feel right barging back into Jackson’s life and meeting his family yet. It was too much pressure for everyone. “I don’t—”
“No way, baby. You found the guts to drive that bike all the way from California to see me, you can see the rest of it through. Come inside.” He took her hand and tugged her toward the door.
Since he wasn’t taking no for an answer, she followed grudgingly into the foyer and up a short staircase to the main living area. In the bright cozy kitchen, the boy who’d been on Jackson’s shoulders was seated at the granite island and a striking woman with long, dark hair and bronze-toned skin stood at the stove. She could easily see the family resemblance between her and Jackson.
The woman stopped stirring something on the stove that smelled like spicy heaven and blinked at them. “This is my sister, Angela,” Jackson said. “Ang, this is Maya.”
Angela set down her spatula and smiled at her. She didn’t hold out her hand as Maya expected. No, she wrapped her arms around her and pulled her in close for a hug instead. “Hi. It’s so great to finally meet you. Jackson’s told us all so much about you.”
Maya awkwardly returned the embrace. “Hi. Thanks. Great to meet you too.”
Angela pulled back, still smiling, eyes a little misty. “Are you hungry? We’re just about to eat. My husband’s flight got delayed so we’re eating without him.”
She glanced at Jackson. “I...”
“She’d love to stay. Right, buddy?” He ruffled his nephew’s hair. “This is Eli, by the way. Lucas is upstairs, perfecting his latest Jedi training.”
“Hi, Eli.”
“Hi.” The boy regarded her seriously for a moment. “I thought you’d be taller.”
Maya didn’t know how to respond, but Jackson grinned and said, “Gotta love kids. Guess I made you sound ten feet tall when I told them about you.”
He ushered her to the table in the eating nook and handed her a glass of white wine, refusing her help in the kitchen. She made small talk with them while he helped fix everything with Angela. Not only was the man sweet and heroic and beautiful, but he obviously knew how to cook. Her head was spinning. How did things stand between them? That wasn’t something she was going to ask him in front of his family members.
Dinner was delicious and enjoyable, despite her nerves. She hadn’t eaten very well over the past few weeks. It was clear how much the family loved each other. Watching them together filled Maya with a wistfulness that made her heart ache. This was how she’d always imagined her and Pili would wind up, hanging out at each other’s house with their kids.
They kept the conversation light through dinner, focusing mainly on Eli, who seemed a lot older than he was, and his five-year-old brother, Lucas. When the meal ended, Angela shared a secret look with her brother then scooped up Eli and Lucas. “Bath time for my guys.” She shot Maya another smile. “It was really nice meeting you, Maya. I hope we’ll get to see you again soon.”
Maya didn’t know what to say, so she nodded and returned the smile. “Thank you for having me, especially without any notice.”
Angela waved her thanks away. “You’re welcome anytime.”
As his sister carried the boys upstairs, Jackson took her hand and pulled her to her feet. “Let’s go out back and sit on the porch. I’ll get you another glass of wine.”
“I shouldn’t. Have to drive back to the hotel later.”
“I’ll drive you there on your bike.” He leaned in to kiss her temple, his warm breath making her shiver. “I think I want you a little tipsy.”
Her belly fluttered but she raised her eyebrows. “You think I trust you with my Ducati?” she said to cover her nerves.
“Yeah, I think you do.”
He was right. She did.
Once he had her settled on the white wooden porch swing, he brought her that next glass of wine and sat beside her to pull her tight against him. Her whole body sighed at the contact. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, relaxing into him. If she died right now, she’d die happy.
Jackson stroked his fingers through her jaw-length hair. “When did you cut it?”
“As soon as I got home. Couldn’t stand all the snarls and knots in it.”
“I like it, it’s sassy. Suits you.”
She blushed at the compliment. Looking out over the tidy backyard with its green swing set, she didn’t know what else to say. I love you. I love you with everything in me. It was almost impossible to hold the words back. “You told me you were all healed up, but I wasn’t sure if you were lying.” Unable to resist, she slid a hand to his belly, pulling up his shirt so she could see the scar. It was about five inches long, the angry red incision fading to purple.
Jackson covered her hand with his, rubbed it slowly over his skin, all warm and silky under her palm. He let her pet him like a cat, stroking him while his muscles twitched against her hand. Instant arousal pulsed through her body.
“Recovery was pretty easy,” he said at last. “I had Ang and the boys to look after me when I got discharged from the hospital. I can’t stand knowing you went home alone.” He shook his head in annoyance.
She tipped her head back to meet his eyes. “I managed fine.” Well, okay, not fine , but she’d made it through. “My therapist says I’m doing great, all things considered. Panic attacks are few and far between now and I’m sleeping better at night. Hardly any nightmares now.” Down to a few a week, rather than a few every night.
“Then you’ll sleep even better with me beside you,” he said in a smoky voice that made her toes curl. “And I’ll sleep better knowing you’re next to me tonight. Right after I wear you out so much you won’t have enough energy to dream later.” The look in his eyes told her he wasn’t just teasing. Then he grinned and gave the swing a push with one foot, setting them in gentle motion as he bent and nuzzled the side of her neck. Goose bumps rippled across her skin. “Now hurry up and finish your wine.”
Like she was interested in wine after that comment? She reacted to his nearness on a chemical level. The anticipation of what might happen tonight was the most exquisite and frustrating torture. She sipped her wine while they talked about a lot of different things. The Air Force agreeing to grant her an honorable discharge. His plans to write the MCAT in the fall once he finished his enlistment. Haversham putting in a good word for her when she decided to apply to the FBI in a few months.
“You want kids someday?” he asked suddenly.
Startled, she set her glass down before answering. “Yeah, maybe someday.” A wistful smile broke over her face. “I guess I’ve always dreamed about having a family of my own. A real one, like you’ve got.”
His expression thoughtful, he nodded and kissed the top of her head. She didn’t know what to make of that and didn’t want to press. All she wanted at the moment was to find a private place where she could peel those clothes off him and kiss and lick every inch of his body.
As she swallowed the last sip of wine, he took the glass from her, eyes dark with hunger. “So. Ready to take that ride with me?”
She almost swallowed her tongue at the heavy throb that set off in her body. “Yeah.”
“One thing.” His tone held a warning note and she stared at him expectantly, wondering what he was going to say. “When we get to your room, this time you’re letting me run things.”
Instant desire and nervousness exploded in her belly. She had promised that, hadn’t she? Back when they’d been locked up in those cages. Many a night she’d lain awake, imagining what it would be like to give him control in bed. The idea turned her on more than anything ever had. But could she actually let herself go like that? She’d never let herself be vulnerable to a lover before.
She stalled. “I only have one helmet—”
“I’ve got one. Meet you out front.”
She stood by her bike as he came out of the side of the garage with a helmet in his hand, battling the lingering nerves eating at her. “I’ve never ridden on the back of a bike before,” she admitted, feeling off balance.
He titled his head, eyes twinkling. “No? Well, just think of it as foreplay.”
What? He leaned in for a hot, deep kiss before she could say anything. She moaned low in her throat and reached for him, but he pulled away to throw one long denim-encased leg over the bike and straddled it. My God, he was sexy like that. All-American hero meets badass biker. Her heart fluttered and her knees went a little weak.
He tossed a grin at her before putting on his helmet. “Climb on.” He fired up the engine.
Maya strapped on her own helmet and settled on the seat behind him. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him, immediately struck by the intimacy of it. Her breasts, stomach, hips and inner thighs were all pressed against him. Jackson set a hand on hers where they were clasped against his belly and squeezed once before putting the bike in gear and pulling away from the curb.
The drive to her motel only took about fifteen minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Her body was already gearing up for what was coming and reminded her of it every time either one of them shifted or leaned into a turn. Her open thighs hugged his hips, pressing the hot glow between her legs against him. Tiny shocks of sensation traveled through her, turning her nipples into tight points that pressed against her T-shirt inside her leather jacket. By the time Jackson pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine, she felt dizzy with arousal, a little breathless.
Inside her helmet, her breathing sounded overly loud. Her heart drummed in her ears. Between her thighs, she was wet and aching for him. The intense need kept growing, heightening until she could barely contain it.
He pulled off his helmet, stood and quickly restraddled the seat to face her. Maya tugged her helmet off and swallowed at the flare of heat in his dark eyes. Reaching up to tuck a lock of hair back behind her ear, his fingers trailed down her jaw, triggering a shower of sparks in their wake.
“You’re nervous,” he said, sounding surprised.
There was no way she could deny it. “A little.” She wanted this to be perfect and was worried she wouldn’t meet his expectations when she was the one on the receiving end of things. It was a role she was completely unfamiliar with.
An adoring smile formed on his lips. “No need to be. C’mere.”
Those strong hands closed around her hips to tug her forward, lifting her to practically straddle his lap. Catching her breath at the show of easy strength, Maya set her hands on his broad shoulders and tilted her head back as he leaned in, one hand on her ass and one sliding into her hair. She shivered at the controlled hunger so evident in him. He kissed her slow and deep and she let him, mentally testing the idea of handing him the reins during sex. It was tempting. It was terrifying. Her heart knocked against her ribs.
Her hands crept into his hair as the kiss grew hotter, more demanding, their tongues caressing. She broke away to catch her breath, gauging the look in his eye. They were almost black with desire.
“I can’t wait to be inside you,” he said in a low voice. “Show me where your room is.”
The words made her breath catch. Gathering her rattled composure, she got off the bike, her legs surprisingly shaky. Up at her room, she unlocked the door and stepped inside. He followed, sliding past her as she closed the door and turned the dead bolt. She reached for the sliding chain with unsteady hands, dropping it twice with a metallic rattle against the door before she finally got it in place. Jesus, she’d never been more turned on in her life, yet it felt like she was on the verge of another panic attack.
She sensed him approach from behind, then the heat of him licked along her spine. She had only a second to tense before his hand closed over hers where the chain attached to the door. His long fingers wrapped around hers, trapping them against the wood. He pressed his chest against her back, the hard ridge of his erection nudging the top of her buttocks. She drew in a startled breath when he bent to nuzzle the delicate spot where her neck met her shoulder, sending a cascade of shivers through her. His warm breath brushed over her bare skin in an intimate caress, and her knees wobbled.
“Just turn around and give yourself to me,” he murmured against the top of her shoulder. “That’s all you need to do.”
Maya closed her eyes. He made it sound so easy and it wasn’t. It wasn’t . She was caught between an intense yearning that made her want to whip around and devour him, and a terrible, cringing fear of being rendered emotionally bare. Her heart was pounding and her breathing was erratic. The ravenous sexual need amplified every tiny piece of sensory input. She was acutely aware of the feel of him pressed against her, waiting, all that coiled strength begging to be turned loose, the quiet hum of the air-conditioning unit beneath the windowsill.
Taking a fortifying breath, she gathered herself and pivoted, launching herself at him. He caught her with a low growl as they collided, their mouths fusing together. The kiss was wild, full of pent-up need. Jackson drove her back against the door with a hand on her nape and one on her ass, forcing the aching flesh between her legs against the hard outline of his erection. She whimpered and strained in his grip, struggling to get closer, nipping and licking at his mouth. His kiss was forceful, demanding, and she was right there with him. But it wasn’t nearly enough. She was starving for the feel of his naked skin on hers, for him to slide deep inside her, to make her his.
Urgency and impatience drove the lust higher. Seams popped and material ripped as they tore at each other’s clothes. Her groping hands met bare, heated flesh. She gripped his back, glorying in the raw power in those bunching muscles. He undid her jeans and wrenched them down her thighs while she clung to him, walked them the few steps over to the queen-size bed without breaking the voracious kiss. He reached past her to yank the covers down, and she released him long enough to scramble up toward the pillows while shucking her jeans, leaving her in her black bra and panties.
He gazed down at her with a possessive look that made the breath back up in her lungs. His jaw flexed as he stared down at her, as if he was struggling for control. “Lie back and don’t move.”