Chapter 32
MOUNTAINS AREN’T FUNNY, THEY ARE HILL AREAS
WADE
Fuck. Fuck, fuck.
My body jerks forward, simultaneously lifting my foot pushing the base into Jasper's chest propelling him away from me. Grabbing the door jamb I slam it shut, just as I see Major passing the hallway calling out for my sister.
She can’t see me like this.
She can’t see me like this.
How could I be so stupid? So careless? Rachel told me she was going to bring Lily by to say goodnight since it’s Christmas Eve.
“Fuck,” I belt out as I kick off my pants and rush over to the closet grabbing the first thing I can find.
“Jesus, Wade,” Jasper says incredulously, pressing his palm over the area where I kicked him.
I almost miss the roll of his eyes and shake of his head as I pull the shirt over my head and Gumby my arms through it.
“Did you just roll your eyes at me like a petulant child? Like it’s not a big deal she could have seen us?
“She didn’t see us. You’re overreacting.” He presses his palms into the floor, pulling his legs forward as he pushes himself up. He stands to his full height, grabbing his turnout pants with him.
His tone and body language is far too Jasper’y and calm. He’s so nonchalant about everything.
“Nothing is a big deal to you, is it? Do you care about anything at all?” His neck snaps up to meet my gaze. His eyes sink into me, forcing me to swallow thickly.
There’s a depth to his eyes I’ve never seen before.
A disappointed dip in his brow that hits me square in the chest. I know how passionate he is.
How loyal he is and how much he loves the people around him.
But I can’t see straight or feel anything but shame right now for being so fucking irresponsible.
“I care about everything!” he yells back, his voice pained. “All I’ve ever done is push down my feelings and walk on eggshells around you because I care more about you than I do about myself.”
Jasper’s typical playfulness is gone, replaced by a rage that’s so unlike him.
He would always go out of his way to give me more shit than others, using his natural flirtation to poke at me.
I thought it was because he liked to rile me up.
Get a response out of me. But gazing into his eyes it’s so much more than that, it’s always been.
I think I’ve always known it, but I can’t focus on that right now. I need to go get Lily.
“It doesn’t matter, Jasper. Abby’s leaving soon and whatever this is,” I shake my head, placing my hands on my hips, hating the confession, “it doesn’t matter, because it’s not going to happen again.”
“Don’t fucking do that. Don’t act like you didn’t want this,” his hand gestures between the two of us, “and don’t assume you know what Abby wants, she—”
“I can’t do this, Jasper.” I run my hands through my hair. “I can’t fucking do this.” I push my sockless feet into my shoes, hating the sensation. Hating everything I’m feeling.
“Can’t do what? Something for yourself for once?” he continues to poke, but not in the playful Jasper way I’m used to and I don’t know how to handle it. He steps toward me, blocking the doorway and I steel my spine, immediately feeling defensive.
“Get out of my way.”
“No.”
I tilt my head as I huff in a steady breath. He’s gazing back at me with the same need in his eyes that he had when he was on his knees in front of me. The same desire, silently telling me how much he wanted me.
I can’t help but dip my eyes to his crotch, the bulge in his pants has softened with the turn of events but I can still see the outline of his cock pushing through the thin fabric of his pants. A flood of emotions runs through me.
I was ready to return the favor and get on my knees for him. Wanting to experience what it was like to suck another man’s cock. But not just any man's, his. The only man I’ve ever seen in another light other than platonic friendship. The only guy I’ve ever been attracted to.
Jasper shifts his stance feeling my lingering gaze. Shaking my head, I stare at the floor with so many thoughts and so much confusion.
“I know you want to explore this, Wade. You want Abby and whatever she and Major are bringing into this mix.” He swallows audibly. “You want me. You want all of this, just as much as I do.”
“I don’t want to make anything harder for Lily.” I admit to him because kids have it rough these days. I would never want her to feel ashamed if other kids made fun of her for something I choose in my life.
“Who cares if she has two dads or ten. As long as she’s taken care of, loved and first priority, that other shit doesn’t matter, Wade. Kids are going to be kids—people are going to be people—regardless of your sexual orientation.”
He doesn’t get it. I don’t want her to feel like she needs to justify my choices. She’s going to have to learn to stand up for herself, I don’t need her to have to stand up for me, too. I’ve seen it with people these days, the judgment. I’m just not ready for all that.
I continue to shake my head back and forth like it’s stuck on a loop. “Just…get out of my way.” I’m defeated, lost for words, but I stand tall again and look him dead in the eyes.
He huffs out a breath, his lips press into a tight frown as his eyes trail up and down my body before he meets my gaze. It looks like he wants to say something, but pauses then steps to the side.
I pass him and rush out, turning the corner of the hallway into the garage, coming to a dead stop in the doorway of the living area.
Major glances up at me from the island as he hands a box of Cheerios to my sister, then his eyes shift over to where Abby and Lily are sitting.
It looks like they’ve been playing with some toys, pulling some of the donated items out of a box.
Abby’s legs are criss-crossed on the floor next to the coffee table and she has a doll in her hands. Lily's eyes are engaged and bouncing between Abby and the doll with adorable curiosity.
“Binky,” Lily says, pointing at the pacifier in its mouth.
“Yeah, she’s got one just like you,” Abby says with a smile as she taps gently on the one that’s in Lily’s mouth.
“Wade has been trying to wean her off that pacifier for the past year but it’s the only thing that keeps her calm so it’s been really tough.” My sister shares with Abby as she gives Lily an incredulous look.
Lily knows that look and peers up at her with puppy dog eyes then says, “mine.”
“That look right there, wins us over every time,” Rachel says as Abby giggles.
“I can understand why,” she agrees.
“There’s actually a story behind little miss Daisy here.” Abby shows Lily the doll and I recognize it as the same cabbage patch kid that I saw in the box she carried in when she arrived.
“A brave little girl gave this to me. She told me she was once lost at a fire station and Daisy was there when she got there.” My heart drops as Abby continues the story.
“She said Daisy made her feel not so alone.” She hands Lily the doll and her eyes light up.
A bright smile beams over her face and it’s contagious, going viral between all of us as we mirror her smile.
“The little girl and Daisy left the fire station and found a home with a nice family. They were the best of friends, but now that the little girl is all grown up she said she wanted to give it back to the fire station so Daisy could take care of another little girl. Maybe Daisy is here to help you.” Abby pulls the pacifier out of the doll's mouth and sets in on the table next to them.
Lily mocks the movement by taking out hers and setting it next to the one on the table, but quickly puts the binky back in her mouth and does the same to the doll, then pulls it into her arms.
We all laugh at her possessive gesture over both the doll and the binky. The fact that she took it out and matched the movement was actually a huge step and tells me she completely understands.
I know what Abby is saying even though the story is modified for my three-year-old. It breaks my heart whenever I hear stories like that because there are so many what if’s that could have happened to my daughter.
“Was that little girl a safe surrender?” my sister asks.
Abby turns to look at my sister and nods sadly.
“Just like Lily,” Rachel replies with an annoyed tone because she hated my ex and views her solely as an egg donor. Also, I need to remind my sister to tighten her non-existent filter later.
I glance over at Abby, her brows knit together as she glances back at me. A million questions running through those beautiful, rich brown eyes of hers.
“My ex, she dropped her off here, but she was too much of a coward to confront me and left her outside under the safe surrender sign.”
Her mouth opens but nothing comes out. She peers down at Lily then back up at me, a pissed off expression crosses her face before she covers it up and smiles.
“Well then, it’s perfect isn’t it? Daisy and Lily, two little beauties that can bloom together.” She taps Lily on the nose and they scrunch up their noses at the same time.
Well, fuck that’s adorable and suddenly all the anxiety from a few minutes ago is gone and replaced with a sense of happiness I can’t quite describe.
I run in a constant state of worry with too many demands and guilt, mostly from myself, that I’m not doing enough for her.
Yet, I glance around the room at my sister who helps take care of her when I’m working.
At Major, who treats her like a kid of his own, buying her more presents than I do, spoiling her to the ends of the Earth.
Then to Abby. Someone I hardly know, yet Lily’s already smitten with her as easily as we are.
Even Jasper, who hasn’t come into the room yet, is the literal definition of a ‘Funcle’ and Lily laughs every time he’s in the room. They’ve taken her, and me, in like family.
We are family.
And now I’m fucking pissed at myself for how I over-reacted with Jasper back in the room. Guilt blankets me as I glance over my shoulder looking for him but he’s nowhere to be seen.