CHAPTER 64
The room was the same—same bland wallpaper, same beige furniture crammed into the same nondescript tiny space—but today the atmosphere was different. For the first time in a long, long time, I felt…something. Motivation, maybe. A kind of drive. Like more than just the sheer unwillingness of my body to die was keeping me alive. Like my life had a purpose again.
All night after my phone call to Riley, I thought about the things I could do if I got better. Back in my straight ‘A’ days, I’d wanted to be something, a doctor, like Marcy and my mom, or a lawyer even…just someone…important. Those dreams were lost now, but never really suited me anyway—just another attempt to impress my parents.
I could do anything, though. I was determined to. I was going to make Grey proud.
If Riley noticed my sudden change of heart, he didn’t say anything. He sat across the table from me, drinking lukewarm coffee from a styrofoam cup. Neither of us mentioned anything about his visit the previous day. He knew he was forgiven (mostly), but kept shuffling in his seat, a telltale sign he was anxious about something.
“What is it Riley?” I wondered impatiently.
“I brought you something.” He admitted, his warm, dark eyes on my face.“You don’t have to like it…but will you try to keep an open mind?”
“Maybe. Just give it to me, and then we’ll see.”
“Okay.” He bent down and pulled something from a bag beneath his seat. I peered curiously as he set something down on the table in front of me. “Here.”
It was a book. Thick and heavy. I picked up the soft leather cover and inspected the front. Holy Bible was imprinted in shiny gold letters. I put the book down.
“What is this? ”
“The Bible.” He answered imperviously.
“I know it’s a Bible. Why are you giving it to me?”
“You said it was dark, right? Last night, when you were trying to sleep?”
“Yes.” He had no idea how dark. “So?”
“Maybe this will help.” Riley shrugged.
“How? Does it come with a nightlight?” I smirked and lit a cigarette.
“No.” He shook his head at my joke. “I thought maybe it would comfort you. It always helps me.”
I raised my eyebrows. It was always staggering how much Riley had changed. It never ceased to shock me. But he really did seem…peaceful. Content, almost. I crossed my arms and sat back in my chair.
“How does it comfort you?” I wondered, skeptically.
“Mackenzie, just bear with me here. Think back. Why did you start doing drugs in the first place?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “They made me feel good. And when I did them…I don’t know…everything was okay.” I tried not to think about the sweet nothingness, the delicious heat. I swallowed heavily.
“But it didn’t last, did it? See…I think everyone is born with this…this God-shaped hole inside. And we rush around, trying to fill ourselves with anything we can, anything that’ll work…however temporarily. Nothing will do it—not drugs, or sex, or food, or fame. God is the only thing that fits, and stays, and truly satisfies. Like nothing you’ve known before.”
I thought about that a moment, about the chase. In all my drug use, I’d never been satisfied for long. No matter how good the cocaine or the heroin felt, no matter how much I did, it was always wearing off, always a struggle to try and get the high back, to make the feeling last. I tried to imagine something…staying there. Staying and satisfying. Never running out. It sounded appealing.
Riley smiled at me. He pushed the Bible across the table. “Just, try reading it, okay?”
I put my hand on the soft leather cover and looked up at Riley, unsure. I didn’t know if God was real or not, but if he was, he probably wanted nothing to do with me. Not the way I was. Not after all my mistakes, all the horrible things I’d done.
“You’re going to be okay, Mackenzie.” Riley placed his warm hand on top of mine. “I really believe that, you know. ”
I stared down at our hands for a moment. He stroked mine delicately with his thumb, his dark eyes gazing down at me with such tenderness, such affection, it made my throat ache.
I swallowed, hard. “What’s Emily think of you being here?”
“Oh, she understands,” Riley answered quickly. Almost guiltily, he broke away, standing up to refill his coffee. “She hopes you get better.”
“She does? Where is she, at your mom’s?”
“No, she’s back at school. The semester started last week.”
“It started already?” I blinked in surprise. “What are you doing here then?”
Riley scoffed. “What, you think I’d just leave you here and go back to school like nothing ever happened? Give me a little credit.”
“You’re missing school?” I frowned. For some reason, this upset me. “Don’t wreck your life for me Riley, I’m not worth it.”
“I’m not wrecking my life. Man, you’re dramatic.” He chuckled. “I can just pick up where I left off next semester. No big deal.”
“But you really like it, I can tell—”
“Mac, just stop.” Riley shook his head at me, sitting back down at the table. “All that matters is that you get better. I’m not going anywhere, okay? So just drop it.”
I met his gaze, staring into his deep, dark, fathomless eyes, nodding hesitantly, trying to hide the intensity of my relief. I wanted to thank him for everything, for putting up with me, for trying to help me, for choosing to stay…but the words wouldn’t reach my lips. The air felt tense, heavy. Charged.
“I guess I should be going.” Riley broke the spell, ripping his eyes from mine.
I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath. I exhaled, clearing my throat. “Well, I think we were fairly successful today.”
“Oh yeah?” He chuckled. “Are you cured?”
“Uh, not yet…” For an instant, the picture of a needle flashed in my mind, and with it, the intense craving for heroin knotted my stomach with need. I breathed through it, trying to shake the image from my head. “I mean, this visit didn’t end in a fight. That’s a pretty big deal, don’t you think? For us?”
Riley’s lips curled in amusement. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
“So you’ll come back tomorrow, right?”
“I’ll be here every day.” He promised.