Chapter 18
18
LAZARO
Elation fills me at her words, but I can’t allow it to show. Not yet. There’s still far too much for the two of us to figure out, but we’re almost there. It’s within my grasp, and I just need to be patient a little bit longer. I’ve gone about this the wrong way, and one misstep will shatter any progress we’re working toward now.
I want so badly to walk back to her, pull her into my arms, and promise her that she has nothing to worry about on that front, that I’ll never leave her, but I stay still. Instead, I ask, “Why are you afraid of that, Amara? Is it because of earlier?” The thought of her being afraid of me because of me being a jealous ass sours my gut.
She shakes her head, her eyes looking haunted. “Because no man has ever been trustworthy to me, Lazaro. No, actually, no man or woman has been trustworthy to me. They’ve always broken their promises or hurt me in some way. I learned a long time ago that the only person I can rely on is me, but then you come in and take that out like a wrecking ball in the span of a few days. I’m in a new world, a new city, and a home I’d never ever imagined I’d ever get to be inside, and the only constant in all of it is you. Something inside me wants to reach out and cling to you until it stops spinning and rights itself, but that’s not possible, and I shouldn’t want that. I should be strong enough to handle all of this on my own without you. Right?”
“Amara—”
“No, don’t try to placate me or tell me that it’s normal. It’s not my normal. Nothing about you and me is normal.” She runs a hand over her hair, then lets out a frustrated sound and yanks at the tie in it, her hair falling out of the ponytail and around her shoulders. She thrusts her hands through it in frustration before she huffs out, “Fuck, no part of my life has ever been normal, so why should I expect this to be? I hate it, and as much as I need you in my corner, I resent it too, but that’s not really fair either.”
That surprises me, and I don’t want to stand here anymore. I move forward, gently taking her hands in mine before she can pull at her hair again. She looks up at me but doesn’t pull away. I’ll call that progress. “Why do you resent me?”
“No, I don’t resent you specifically,” she corrects with a quick shake of her head. “I resent that I need anyone to be on my side. I should be a confident woman that can handle this shit on her own. Just like I’ve been doing my entire life.”
“But even confident and self-sufficient women need to be able to relax and relinquish control once in a while,” I remind her gently, linking her hands with mine. “And this situation, this isn’t normal, you’re right, which is exactly why you need someone in your corner even more.”
“I’ve never been able to relax, Lazaro. It’s just not who I am, and I’ve never had that option. Only now, here you are, offering all of that to me, and I don’t know how to handle it. It’s also fucking with my head that you want me so much, and I want you just as much. I don’t understand it, I really don’t. Sex is a no for me. Men, as a whole, are a no for me. I figured that out when I tried kissing with a couple of guys, and it was an entire disaster,” she mutters bitterly.
My jaw clenches at the thought of another man getting to taste or touch her in any way, but I battle it back. Jealousy is what got me into this situation in the first place. Instead, I suggest gently, “Maybe it’s not that men are a no, but you need a specific kind of man. A man you can trust because you know he isn’t going to use you or hurt you just for his own enjoyment.”
She doesn’t look convinced, but shrugs. “Maybe, but I have no idea what I need, Lazaro. That’s what freaks me out with you. You seem to know exactly what you want, how you want it to be, and how to make it happen. You’ve been sure of wanting me since we met, and you haven’t made it a secret. Maybe you’re being heavy-handed about it at times, but at least I know where you stand. I can’t give you the same, and that’s not fair to you either.”
“I don’t care about being fair, Amara. Just knowing that you want to try, and that you trust me, is enough. We can build from there.” A sense of hope fills me. We can figure this out, we can get to where we both will be happy, we just need to try.
Her mouth pulls down into a deep frown. “Trying is one thing, and while I trust you, Lazaro, it doesn’t seem that you trust me, and that is far too big a block for me to get past.”
That hope fizzles out. Shit. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Amara. I do.”
“You have a funny way of showing that, considering you forbade me from running my business that will involve most of the clients being men. As if you have some say in that. You don’t, Lazaro. I don’t know how else to make you understand that. This is my career we’re talking about. You don’t ever get to dictate that.”
I sigh and run a hand through my hair. Alright, we need to get into this and figure it out or we’re not going to get past it. “You’re right, and I shouldn’t have. When it comes to you, colombina , all my common sense flies out the window. I let jealousy cloud my judgment. You’re right that your career is yours, and I shouldn’t have any say in that, but that doesn’t mean I can sit back and be okay with a bunch of men I don’t know sitting in a position that makes you vulnerable. Every instinct I have is screaming at me to keep you away from that. To shield you.”
“Does this have to do with the men that got into the house before I came?” I startle at that. How the fuck did she find out about that? Before I can ask her, she continues, “Rori let it slip, thinking I already knew about it. That Gia’s guard was a traitor and let my family in to try and take her and Sienna. Is that why you’re so over the top? You think it’s going to happen again?”
“It won’t happen again,” I vow fiercely. “And yes, that’s a part of it, but mostly, it’s that I know my job and what can happen. I see it on a regular basis even when things are running normally. All it takes is one second, and those scissors or your razor blade can be at your neck, and you’ll be gone. Either dead, or they’ll get you out and away. I want you to do your job and do what makes you happy, but your safety is far more important. Especially right now.”
“If you’re so sure that can happen, then why did you bring me here?” It’s not said with malice, but there’s definitely an undercurrent of disbelief in her voice.
“Because I won’t allow it to happen. The only men who will be allowed to guard you and your cousins are ones we trust wholeheartedly. Ones who we know can’t be bought off or threatened into complying with your family. It wouldn’t matter where we were; that would always be the worry. But I can’t say the same for the other men around us. I don’t know Nico’s men, and I don’t know all of ours either. We have some newer soldiers that still have to prove themselves; they are the ones that we have to watch closely. They are also young, and they’ll want to be around a beautiful woman, ready to charm her and flirt with her.”
“And that makes you jealous? That they might want to flirt with me?”
“Yes.” Why hide it? “I don’t think you’ll return it, but the thought of another man getting to make you laugh or smile, makes me want to do insanely irrational things.”
“Like gouge their eyes out?” she asks drily.
I nod. “Exactly. Where you are concerned, Amara, I’ll never do things in half-measures.”
“Mhmm. We’ll come back to that. Back to the safety part first. You don’t like that I’m around sharp instruments that someone can use against me, right?”
“Yes. And while I know you’ll have Mario in the room with you, he might be just that second too late. There will be no stopping me if anything happens to you, Amara. You think what happened in the dining room was over the top, but that’s nothing compared to what I will do.” She has no idea how much blood will spill if she even so much as sheds a drop. Even now, the urge to kill some imaginary person fills me.
“Yeah, that’s a bit much for me to comprehend right now. But you keep saying that you want to be a couple. When this is all over, and when I finally have a new salon somewhere else, did you expect me to only have female clients for the rest of my life?”
I open my mouth to tell her no, but then quickly snap it shut because that is exactly what I’ve been expecting. “I’ve always thought of women going to a salon and men being with a man at the barbershop. At least, that’s the way things are back home,” I admit. “I don’t know many women who would do a man’s hair. Maybe that’s an Italian thing, especially with how many men work for various crime families, and women there would never dream of going to a man to do their hair.”
“Well, that’s Italy, and this is America. Here, women do men’s hair, and men do women’s. And I can’t change that about me, Lazaro. Will I have a majority female clientele? Probably, but I’m not going to spend my life in fear that if a man walks in for a haircut, that you’re going to go crazy and try to murder him for even daring to come in the door. And just so we’re clear, if you ever use the word ‘forbid’ again, it’s not going to be other men you’ll have to worry about with sharp instruments — it’s going to be me.” She glares at me, hands going to her hips, no doubt trying to look threatening, but not quite managing it.
She looks too fucking cute. I’m not stupid enough to say that, though. I’m not going to test her sharp instruments just yet. My dick is still aching from that punch.
I nod, keeping my expression serious. “I know that, colombina . But I can’t promise that I’m not going to be irrational. Especially if a man ever makes you uncomfortable the way that other fucker was when I walked into your shop. Then all bets are off.”
“Hopefully, that was a one-time thing, but fine, if someone gets handsy, then you can do whatever you need to, except for killing him. That’s not exactly great business practice.” She gives me a pointed look. Oh, I’ll be killing the fucker. Just not where Amara will see or find out about it. My brothers or the Carusos will be all too happy to help me as well. “Back to the problem at hand, though. Short of tying down their hands and blindfolding them, I don’t know how to make you happy with the entire situation.”
Now there’s an idea…
“No!” she barks, exasperated.
I give her an innocent smile. “I was just pondering, colombina .”
“Yeah, I just bet you were,” she huffs. “We’re not doing that, Lazaro. Right now, we need to find a solution that keeps you from being a jealous ass and gives me the freedom to work. I can’t sit around and do nothing, and I can’t do the girls’ hair over and over again, so that leaves the staff, your family, the Carusos, Nico, Dante, and the soldiers as my options.”
That sobers me. What are we going to do? This is important to her; I need to find a way to make it work. Short of standing over her the entire time, and probably pissing her off in the process, there isn’t much I can do. So I simply say, “I’ll do my best not to overreact, Amara, but your safety is the most important thing to me. If you are in even a single iota of danger, all bets are off. So, you will have two guards with you in the room at all times. You don’t leave their sights, even if you’re working on one of the women. You follow all their directions when it comes to your safety, and you tell them immediately if you’re uncomfortable. Alright?”
She watches me, then agrees. “Alright, I can do that, but I’m countering that with, you don’t get to come in and intimidate any of the men in my chair. Or send one of your brothers or the Caruso brothers to do it,” she adds pointedly.
See, she’s far too smart. Nothing gets past her. “Of course not, colombina ,” I lie easily. I don’t need to say anything to intimidate someone. One hard look and they’ll be reconsidering their life choices.
She doesn’t look like she believes me one bit, but she lets it drop. Probably for the best. “So, are you good then? I’ll stay with the guards, I’ll work once the salon is set up, I won’t take any unnecessary risks, and I’ll tell the guards if I’m not comfortable. Will that make things easier and keep you from being an asshole?”
No, but it’s not like I have any other choice. “I’m not going to ever be good with the entire situation, but yes, I can live with that.” Her expression darkens, but I hold up my hand. “Amara, it doesn’t matter whether it’s here or wherever you set up next, I’m always going to have a problem because there is always a chance you’re going to be in danger, and my entire existence is to handle any kind of threat that comes to my family or the Caruso’s. I can’t turn that off, or even turn it down, especially with you. As long as you stick to those few things, I’ll be able to handle it easier, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to act like an asshole. Especially if I catch some fucker flirting with you.”
“What you should care about is if I flirt back or not. Men flirt. Women flirt. That’s how life is. Do you expect me to go nuts and start kicking ass if I see some woman flirting with you?”
The image of her engaging in a catfight with another woman fills me with excitement. “Are you saying that if you saw another woman getting handsy with me, you wouldn’t step in?” I ask her curiously.
She arches a brow. “Your stewardess on the plane was pretty handsy with you,and very clear about her intentions, and I didn’t take her to the ground, so what do you think?”
“Ah, but we were only just getting to know each other. Now that you know how wonderful I am, do you really think you can hold yourself back?” I tease lightly, grinning at her.
“Where another woman is concerned? Yes. I don’t have to be physical when all I need to humiliate her is a pair of scissors,” she says with a sly smile. “That warning goes for you too.”
“I have no doubt, colombina .” Taking a chance, I move toward her. “And if I ever do something worthy of such a retaliation, I will accept it without comment.”
“You say that now. Wait until I leave you with a pink mohawk.” Her lips twitch as she tilts her head back to look up at me.
I try not to wince at the visual. Yeah, that shit would definitely make working interesting. My father would temporarily disown me until my hair was back to normal. Hell, my brothers would lose their shit and try to come up with other ideas for her to do to me for the next time. “Then I’ll have to endeavor to never piss you off, won’t I?” I look into her green eyes, and see most of the shadows have gone. Thank fuck. I never want to see them there again, but that’s wishful thinking. Especially since we still have another important topic to cover. “Does all of this discussion mean you’re willing to consider the two of us making something together?”
Her smile flees her face, and anxiety fills her eyes. I fight back my irritation, reminding myself that this isn’t easy for her, and we’re making progress, even if it’s not as fast as I’d like. She looks away, swallowing hard before she finally looks back at me. Licking her lips nervously, she whispers, “I’m terrified of what this is going to lead to, Lazaro. I’m terrified of freaking the hell out and never being able to give you what you want from me. You deserve someone that can give you the life you want, who reacts normally to everyday things.”
“I don’t want them, Amara,” I return gently, but firmly. “If I did, then I wouldn’t be working so hard to get you to trust me, would I? Or be so focused on you? I’m not a silly boy that’s only interested in getting his dick wet, dolcezza . I’m a grown-ass man that knows what he wants. If that means we have to take things slow and easy, then that’s what we do, for as long as it takes.” Though if the dining room is anything to go by, we’re not going to have much trouble.
She doesn’t look like she quite believes me, but I see a flash of hope in her eyes. “What if it takes years?”
“Then that’s what it takes. I’m not expecting that everything is going to magically fix itself, Amara, but I do think that as long as you know you can trust me, it’s going to make things easier.” She opens her mouth to reply to that, but then quickly shuts it. She glances away and wrings her fingers together. “ Colombina ,” I coax gently, reaching out to still her hands. “We can work through anything, as long as you talk to me. You’ve been doing so good. I need you to keep doing that for me, okay?”
She takes another full minute before she finally looks up at me and says, “You’re really intense, Lazaro. And what you want from me, it’s intense. You said yourself earlier that you’re possessive, that you want me to give in, to submit, and just let you do with me what you want. I don’t know if I’m going to ever be able to do that, and you can’t change who you are or what you like. It also freaks me the fuck out to think about what kinds of things you’re into that I don’t know about. I’ve been through a lot, but I’m not innocent. I’ve seen some TV and also read romance novels, but that doesn’t mean I can do any of that.”
It feels so fucking wrong to be disconnected from her for this discussion. I want to reach out and pull her up into my arms, to soothe and reassure her, but I hold myself back. We’ll get to that. “We need to figure out where your limits are, and what you’re most comfortable with. I have my preferences, but that doesn’t ever mean I’ll force them on you, Amara. Am I intense? Yes. Am I going to want to test your boundaries? Possibly, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever cross them. That will shatter your trust in me, right?” She nods instantly. “Then I’ll never allow that to happen. I would never go instantly to the extreme; we need to start from the basics and work our way up. Together, we need to see how comfortable you are, talk and work through any issues, and then we find a compromise that we’re both happy with. Not just me, Amara. This isn’t just about me. Do I want you? With every fibre of my being. Do I have dirty as shit fantasies I want to try out? Absolutely, but they will remain as fantasies until you are ready. Until we’re both ready. Who’s to say that you won’t come to learn you’re into something I’m not? What if it becomes the opposite and it’s me that is uncomfortable?”
She gives me a doubtful look. “Something tells me there’s not much that you’ll be uncomfortable with. You’re hot, tall, and muscular, and I’ve seen the way women look at you. You’ve probably been with plenty of women and done things that will make even your father blush.”
“We all have a past, Amara. Does it bother you that I have been with other women? You’re right, I have been, and I’ve done a lot of experimenting in my time, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to expect all of that from you.”
She shakes her head. “No, I don’t really care.” Then she swallows hard. “But I do worry that you’re going to look at me and only see what’s happened to me, now that you know about it. That you’re going to be disgusted by?—”
“Absolutely not,” I interject immediately. Fuck this distance shit, this is too important. I move quickly, scooping her up in my arms and shifting us to the sofa. I maneuver her so she’s in my lap, straddling me, face to face with wide eyes. “There is nothing about you that will ever disgust me, Amara. Nothing.” I pour pure steel into my tone. “The only thing that disgusts me is that the fuckers who hurt you aren’t dead yet. That they haven’t paid in blood for every single thing they have ever done to you.” I’m going to begin rectifying that the next time I talk to Alessio.
“But—”
“No buts. When I see you naked for the first time, there is no fucking way disgust is ever going to play into that, Amara.”
“But I have scars from where Clay and Corey sometimes liked to torture me before they raped me,” she tells me sharply. “I don’t even like to look at them. How can I expect you to accept them when I can’t?”
I still at this new piece of information. Rage fills me. Those sick fucks cut her skin? Dared to torture her that way? I’m going to enjoy their deaths. I don’t care what I have to do to make it happen, either, or how much money I have to spend. Whoever runs that fucking prison is going to release them to me.
I battle all of that back, though, and force myself to focus on the woman in my lap. “Do you know what I’m going to see, colombina ? I’m going to see marks of strength that show what you’ve been through. What you have survived and come out stronger for. I despise what you had to endure to get them, but they don’t define who you are to me. Or to anyone else, for that matter.”
Her eyes are wet as they hold mine, but no tears fall. “I want to believe you,” she whispers. “I really do, Lazaro, but the voices in my head that tell me otherwise aren’t just going to go away.”
“We can silence them eventually,” I assure her confidently. “With time, patience, and communication between us, we can get to where they just disappear.” I’m taking a big risk, but something tells me that this is an important moment. “Will you show me?”
Amara freezes, just goes so utterly still, that I’m almost certain she’s stopped breathing until she whispers, “Show you?”
I nod, watching her carefully, and rubbing at her hip soothingly. “You’ve been told a lot of things in your life, colombina , and promises can be broken, correct? I think it’s time to prove to you that I mean what I say, so you can see it for yourself. You will not see disgust from me,” I vow. “I can promise you that, Amara.”
“Just because you can hide your emotions, doesn’t mean you won’t be disgusted,” she whispers shakily, her body trembling. Then she shocks me by easing back, making me drop my hands, and unbuttoning her pants, shoving them down to reveal thin scars that line her legs where her upper thigh and hip meet. They’re long, every single one of them, and they almost look like stretch marks, except for the jaggedness of them. A few almost look like they tried to create a letter or symbol in some way.
I don’t say anything as I look at them, bringing my hand up and gently tracing them with my fingers. Her entire body shakes, but she doesn’t stop me. I can feel her gaze glued to my face, but I purposely ignore it. Instead, I ask softly, “Did they only do this on this one side?”
“No.” She twists, and I see that her other side is covered in the same. “They didn’t want me to have scars anywhere that could easily be seen if I wore shorts or a shorter skirt. I wasn’t allowed to swim, so they didn’t worry about that.”
“They only did it in these two spots?” She nods, but her face is full of shame. I cup her cheeks gently in my hands and stare into her eyes. “Do you see disgust on my face, Amara?” I ask her gently.
“You could be hiding it.”
“I’m not, I promise you. I’ll tell you what I feel. Anger that they dared to do this to you, to carve into your body for their own sick pleasure. But I also feel such awe that you have gone through something so vile and come out the other side, dolcezza . You have no idea how strong I think you are.”
A tear slips from her eye as she looks at me, face still pale. “You don’t think they’re ugly?”
“No. There is not a single part of you that I would ever consider ugly, Amara Stanley. I think you are incredibly beautiful, and I want to explore every inch of you and make you feel and see that for yourself. I want to be the one to banish such thoughts from your mind. I want you to see me, and see the man that thinks you are so beautiful that you believe it. When you see me, I want you to know that you are the only one that I will ever want for myself.”
More tears flow. “You have no idea how much I want to believe you. If anyone can make me feel even a sliver of that, it’s you, Lazaro.”
“All I’m asking for is a chance, colombina . Just a chance. And when I’m being an overbearing asshole, you’ll tell me and I will fix it. Can we do that?”
She doesn’t answer right away, but I can see her internal battle on her face, instinct and desire both making their demands. I don’t push, don’t utter a single sound, I simply watch her, dropping my hands to settle on her hips again, gently rubbing along her skin, including the scars. I want to offer to find someone to help her with them, but she might take that the wrong way, so I keep my mouth shut. If and when she’s ready for that, we’ll face it together.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity, she gives a small nod. “I’ll try, Lazaro, but I hope to hell you know what you’re getting into.”
A primal satisfaction fills me, so deep that I can feel it in my very bones. Now I have to keep from screwing it up.