Chapter 36
I laughed at something Reese had said, while I fiddled with the arrowhead between my fingers. He leaned his back against Nick’s dresser, speaking with his hands as if that made the story that much more enjoyable for the listener.
The door creaked open and Nick gave us a smile as he entered. The look on his face told me he had something on his mind, but there was also this look of relief. It was like he was happy that what he walked in on was two entities chatting like old friends and not like two enemies.
Reese gave me a small knowing smile before he patted Nick on the shoulder. He was headed for the door when he turned back, resting his hand on the doorknob. “Oh yeah, if you happen to hear anything in the next day or two, don’t worry about it. Dani might have left the room for a few minutes and threatened your ex-girlfriend, but as you can see…” Reese waved his hand around the room, “all good here.”
Nick’s eyes widened in shock. “I’m sorry, what?” He looked over at me.
I shrugged nonchalantly.
He focused back on Reese. “Is Morgan at least okay?” The tone in his voice almost sounded like he was trying not to laugh and keep things serious.
Reese made a disgruntled noise. “Psh, I don’t like her, so I don’t care.” He rolled his eyes, turning to me and winking. The door closed behind him as he stepped out.
Nick let out a loud sigh, shaking his head. His shoulders started to shake from the way he was laughing.
“If it’s any consolation, the worse that happened was she might have pissed her pants. I didn’t break any of her bones, or make her bleed profusely. I’d say I’ve been a very good girl, so she should be thanking me if I’m honest.” I flipped the arrowhead in my palm, peeking up at my boyfriend.
Nick let out one more chuckle before sitting down next to me. “You are predictably unpredictable, you know that?”
I wiggled my eyebrows at him, leaning in to kiss the scar under his eye. “I think she’ll move on from you with ease now. If not, well, death will be my only option for her.” I lifted one of my hands and lightly patted his cheek.
“Hmm.” Nick scanned my face with unbridled adoration. It brought me back to when everything had started, the kind of man he used to be. He had been all rules and no loopholes. The mission was key and side quests weren’t something he gave a second thought towards. This Nick didn’t flinch at my spoken thoughts of violence and I loved him for it.
His eyes flicked down to my palm. “What’s that?”
I held the arrowhead between my fingers. “A borrowed gift from a friend.” The words came out so easily and I had no intention of taking them back. Reese was stuck with me now.
Nick placed his hand gently on my knee. I flinched just a little and I knew he would remove his hand if I asked, but I took a breath and let him caress my skin with his thumb. “I stopped by Oculus again on my way back here. Garrett and Leah wanted me to thank you.”
“They already did that when we got back.”
“Yeah, I know, but they wanted to tell you again. I don’t think they’ll ever stop being eternally grateful.”
I placed my hand on top of his. “It’s really not necessary.” I let out a strained laugh. “It was a piece of a cake over there.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “Okay….well, Leah wanted you to know that the kids are calling you their hero…”
“Can we not do that please?” I said quickly, pushing off of the bed. My heart was beating so hard that my chest hurt. “I am happy they're okay and safe, but Axel is also the one who stayed in that cell with them and calmed them down. They can call Axel their hero. I’m someone who just sat there and…” I started to pace, holding the arrowhead tight in my grip.
“Woah, Dani, no one is saying you just sat there…”
“I did , though. Every option was blocked by a consequence,” I muttered, letting out a heavy sigh before walking to the door. I needed to get out of here, anywhere that didn’t have me almost spewing my entire thought process to Nick.
I pulled the door open a tiny bit, before it was slammed closed and Nick stood in front of me, blocking my way. “Please, stop.”
“Move.”
“No.”
“Nick.”
“ No .”
I let out a groan, turning slightly and walking over to his dresser. I placed the arrowhead on top, looking at it. I gripped the edge of the wood, hearing it whine under my hold. I kept my eyes on the lucky charm as I spoke. “You don’t get it. And it’s okay that you don’t because you grew up with the ideals of saving people and helping those around you. Those kinds of things made you happy and stronger.”
He leaned against his door, listening.
I licked my lips. “Destruction and mocking those that ended up in my presence, those that had to endure suffering at my hands…that gave me strength, it made me happy. And then I started to…” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I started to care about other things, other people. I wanted what I wanted, but I also felt the need to give a flying fuck about everyone else. That way of thinking didn’t burn me like I thought it might, so I let myself lean into it. I could have both, the violent, lethal side and the side that cared and…” I glanced over at him, finding that he was staring at me, “fell in love.”
I shook my head. “Then I was locked up by Dimitri. My intentions were to get out, fight him but then he took that away. He dangled a family in my face and had me holding my power back. Lilith and Dimitri, they both taunted and toyed with me, any emotion I had was contorted and what I wanted, what I had to do just kept changing or getting further away from me.” I looked down at the ground, feeling my chest tighten. “I could sit there and suppress my power, letting him cause me so much pain in hopes of giving myself and everyone else more time, or I could give in and let him drag me towards destroying everything. He’d said he would let Garrett’s family go, but what about everyone else I cared about.”
“Dani...”
“Heroism looks so nice from the outside, you know? The act of saving someone looks so simple as if the choices are easily defined. No one tells you that sacrificing your own strength can be an option if it means others get to see another day.” I ran my tongue over my front teeth. “I thought about how easy things would have been if I hadn’t opened my heart to you, the light, or anyone else. I thought about how I would have adored Dimitri’s plan forever ago; I would have thrived off of it, but no, I care far too much for that now.”
I saw Nick run a hand down his face, keeping his hand over his mouth. I knew he was so eager to speak, but he kept quiet.
“Sitting there in a dormant state, pretending that I had no idea how to use my powers put Leah and them in danger, so little by little I had to bide my time and show Dimitri and Lilith something .” I clenched my teeth together, nearly seething out my next words. “Hour after hour, it was torment , Nick.”
I reached up and touched my neck gently. “I can handle torture, but it was like he was dangling who I was, who I am and what I could be in front of me, masking it together in this hopeful bloody mess that had me screaming with pride and crying in pain. I kept trying to figure out how I could save myself, but nothing seemed plausible. If I made a move to use my power to kill him then that would make matters worse…I just…”
He reached his hand out to touch my arm, but I moved away. I turned to look at him, my chest rising and falling as I heaved out breath after breath. “Eventually I let him see it all. I didn’t mean to, or maybe I did. I don’t know, but when it happened, it felt good. I didn’t want to keep who I was hidden, but then what did that mean? Now I’d fucked everyone!” I heard my voice get louder, but I just didn’t care. “Leah and her kids didn’t have any more time to just wait for me to figure my shit out; I was going to be forced to become one half of a powerful duo I had no interest in being a part of and my only option now, the only thing I had left was…” My voice cracked before I could finish my sentence. I stepped over to the center of the room, turning my back to him. I crossed my arms over my chest, realizing I was shaking.
“Was what, Dani?” Nick whispered. I felt him coming up behind me, but he didn’t touch me.
I pressed my eyes closed, dropping my head and feeling my hair fall around my face. “You.”
I slowly turned around, wrapping my arms tighter around myself. He tilted his head to the side, but his eyes looked concerned and confused. “Me?”
“The only thing I had left was waiting for you.”
He searched my face as if he was trying to understand what I was saying.
“In the end all I could do was sit on my ass and wait to be saved by the completely endearing, heroically well-brought up angel that I’m so fucking in love with that I damn near hate myself for even…. I didn’t…” I placed my hands over my face, feeling so many emotions boil inside of me. I removed my hands, running them through my hair and ripping my fingers through a tangle. “There was a time that I didn’t want you to save me. Maybe it was for your own good or maybe it was me wanting you to stay put so I wouldn’t be forced to feel like such a fucking damsel in distress.”
I pointed my finger at him. “I. Am. Not. And I never will be.”
“I know you aren’t,” Nick answered, nodding.
I looked up at him, the smell of worry and love wafting off of him. It was heady and I wanted to bury my face in his arms, but—not yet.
“I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to use everything I’d learned about myself and stop him, make him pay. Enduring all that agony was worth it if I could just show him and Lilith that fucking with me was a mistake. I wanted a lot of things, but what I got was you and everyone else doing what I’d wanted to do!”
Nick let out a deep sigh, rubbing his finger at the place between his eyebrows. “We all care about you, Dani. We were never going to leave you in that place with him. I was never going to leave you.”
“I know that. That’s what makes this so fucking hard. I wanted you to find me, but then again, I didn’t. There was a time before you, Nick, when I didn’t need anyone and even during the toughest trials…I could save myself .” I turned away from him, hoping I could head to the bathroom and lock myself in there.
He caught my wrist, causing me to stumble a bit before I righted myself. I swung my head around to face him. Before he could speak, I heard myself shouting again. “I couldn’t even be my own hero, Nick!” I felt tears wanting to leave my eyes.
Nick pulled me closer to him, his expression something I could only describe as determined. “I know you can fend for yourself, Dani. I understand that you can fight and take on the worst kind of villain without me, but despite all those things I know about you, there is not an evil in the realms that will stop me from getting to you. I will always find you.”
I bit my bottom lip. “I know you will. It’s who you are.” I inclined my head towards his. “ You swooped in there, you killed Dimitri. I just…I vowed that I would kill him, I would make him hurt. Even if you were the one to open that door and save me, maybe I could at least do something that would make me feel less expendable and weak.”
He let go of my wrist, placing his hands on my waist. “I will not apologize for beating the shit out of Dimitri. Fuck , Dani, I watched you die and I never want either of us in that position ever again. You keep saying I’m yours, well in case you need a reminder, you’re mine. I am fucking ecstatic that I get to say my girlfriend is extremely strong, she’s powerful and scary, she’s beautiful and can probably make your death look like an art form. The fact that you think you are less than what everyone in the realms knows you to be makes me want to bring Dimitri back, just so you can show him all you’ve got. I’ll stand beside you or behind you, whichever you’d prefer, but you are done standing alone.”
I didn’t know what to do with my hands so I tentatively placed them on his biceps. I hadn’t realized how unsteady I felt until his skin was within my grasp. “Nick, they made me feel like you coming made me weak. I don’t want to be weak; I can’t. That’s not who I am!”
He squeezed my waist, his brown eyes piercing into mine. “You are not weak. I will keep telling you that for the rest of our lives if I have to. Big shows of power are great, Dani. Perfect spectacles to gloat about later.” He took one of his hands and brought it to the side of my face. I didn’t flinch this time. I leaned into his touch quicker than I expected. “You are so used to fighting first and thinking later, which for a good while was how you survived and I commend you for it. You had to steel yourself and think about other people. You had to consider the risk of what a hasty decision would do. You continuously suffered Dimitri’s…abuse” I noticed his jaw tick as he continued to speak, “and you made it out the other side. You really want to stand here and tell me that that makes you weak? You want to tell me that it doesn’t make you some kind of hero?” He placed his forehead against mine.
“I don’t know what I am,” I murmured.
“Oh, baby, you are something to be afraid of. You are something to admire.” He kissed my forehead, letting his lips linger there. “Once upon a time you told me to remember who I was, remember that I was a hero.”
“I did.”
“Despite everything I’d been through, everything I was putting myself through, I was still a hero . I’m telling you the same thing. Remember who you are, Dani.”
“And who is that?”
“The strongest person I know.”
I reared my head back so I could look at him. His eyes were genuine and I didn’t have to think twice when I lifted up on my toes, kissing him. His lips were soft and inviting. I opened my mouth a tiny bit, hoping that he would mirror my movements which after a second, he did.
He gave me a tiny peck before we separated, but he kept a hold on my hands, his fingers intertwining with my own. My cheeks felt wet from the tears I’d let fly free.
“I know you have to believe in yourself when it comes to these things, Dani. I know just me saying all of this, as true as it is, won’t be enough, but…”
“I just haven’t felt like myself lately, that’s all. I…hmm…” I wrinkled my nose, not really knowing how to say what I wanted.
Nick gave me a look filled with intrigue.
“When I manhandled Morgan, it felt….good. Like all I wanted to do was hit something to, I don’t know, jolt the healing process.”
Nick pressed his lips together. “Mhmm. Sounds logical.”
I had let Morgan live so that said a lot about my progress.
“I’m gonna work on it, okay? I’ve had to be my own strength for a long time now. I’ve never let other people offer up their own whenever I faltered.”
His fingers tightened and flexed around mine. “Existing together. You and me.”
“You and me,” I repeated, leaning in to kiss him again, but something stopped me. My palms felt hot, but not the normal heat that I was used to. This heat burned like it had doubled in temperature, but it didn’t hurt. I looked down at my hands, noticing the light that filtered out from between our palms.
“Uh, Dani…” Nick started, pulling our hands up so that they were parallel to our bodies.
I slowly pulled one of my hands away from his, watching as the light that came between them was bright and nearly blinding. I grabbed his hand again, admitting silently to myself that what I’d seen was startling.
“What’s happening?” I asked, more to myself than to him.
“I felt this while I was in the Ethereal Bastille,” he admitted.
I looked between us, at the glow that illuminated between our palms. The tug I’d felt hours before Nick and everyone else had busted into Dimitri’s prison. The familiar light that nearly matched my own.
“Me too,” I said, feeling a tingle in my hands. It was like a caress that I never wanted to end. It felt comfortable and had a simplicity that I didn’t know I could want. My chest tightened when I looked into his eyes, the white golden light from our hands casting a glow along his face.
I would find my way back to the powerful hybrid I knew myself to be, but I also knew that faltering was okay, since I had more than enough people to lean on. Nick had the biceps to hold me up, I was definitely sure of that.
Without a moment to waste I ripped my hands from his, placing them on either side of his neck as I kissed him. He let out a small hiss that had me pulling back. I blinked over to where my hands were, seeing that I had started to burn him.
An apology was on my lips, but he shushed me. “It’s okay. You can burn me whenever you like.”
“I want you back in bed. I don’t want you sleeping on the floor. You want to be by my side, Mr. Cassial?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.
He nodded. “Like I said, by your side or behind you. I’m there.”
“Then I want you back in bed with me.” I made a move to walk forward, causing him to go backwards towards his bed. “I want your touch. I want your hands on me, being gentle and making me feel safe. I want your kiss making me forget and easing my pain.” My voice got small as I spoke my next words, not really knowing how else to convey my feelings. “You’re my home.”
His mouth was on mine before I could say anything else.
“I love you,” he said in between his kisses. He turned us around, so that the back of my calves hit the side of his bed. I sat down, scooting backwards and bending my knees slightly. The shirt I’d borrowed from him riding up my thighs.
He looked patient as he delicately placed his hand at my knee, gliding it down my leg. His fingers stopped once they touched the beginning of the long pink scars at my thigh. My muscles started to tighten at the feeling of his fingertips, but I swallowed, nodding at him. He kept going, tracing the scars with a feather-like touch.
He bent down, placing his face near my thigh and my muscles relaxed slowly as I felt him kiss the raised lines. I held in something I could only call a whimper because this had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with love.
He kissed every inch of my scar, making sure not to go too fast and then lifted himself up to kiss my lips again. “Okay?” He was checking in on me, making sure I was good with how things were going.
I felt myself starting to cry again as I nodded. “I love you too.” It was wild how love and strength were so intertwined.
He kissed me again, before carefully maneuvering my body so that my head rested on his pillows. “I know you have some issues with me charging in and helping you, but right now, please let me make you feel good.”