12. Cheese Puffs and Label Makers
twelve
Liz
“Alright, I’ll go put your order in,” the waitress tells us as she takes our menu and walks away. My mom drove us to a Mexican restaurant that lies on the outskirts of town. I remember coming here when I was a kid, but it had different owners and a different name back then.
Neither of us has said a word since we left the house. Well, nothing of note. We discussed what to get to eat, but that’s been the extent of it.
When we are alone again, I ask, “Mom, what are we doing here?”
“We’re getting dinner,” she replies while scooping some salsa onto her tortilla chip.
“I can see that. But why?”
“Because I think it’s about time you and I talk.”
Here we go.
“Do we have to?” I ask.
“Yes, and I’d appreciate you dropping the sarcasm.”
“Not sure I’m capable of that, but I’ll try.”
“Let’s start by getting a couple of facts straight. One, I’m not disappointed in you.”
I let out a heavy scoff, which prompts her to add, “I’m serious.”
“Come on, Mom. I fucked up. I fucked up my whole life. I’m disappointed in myself.”
“Eliza, it’s not my job to kick you when you”re down. I am tremendously proud of you and all that you’ve accomplished. You went out into the world and were carving out your place in it. I think that’s amazing.” She sounds just like Dad.
Her words come as a complete shock to me because this woman has always acted like I was the devil for leaving to do my own thing.
“That never seemed to be the case,” I tell her. “I thought you hated me for leaving.”
She swirls the straw around the rim of her glass. “Eliza, you were my first baby. The first one who called me momma. The first one who fell asleep on my chest. I wasn’t ready for you to leave. To be honest, I don’t think I ever would have been ready. It’s hard when you move hours away and barely keep in contact. I had a lot of sleepless nights worrying about you. It’s not easy to let any of you go. But it was especially hard to let you go, knowing that the visits would be few and far between.”
Wanting to defend myself a little, I say, “Ronnie left too. I don’t feel like you gave her this much grief.”
“Ronnie still calls this place her home. Yes, she travels a lot, but she still spends a lot of time here. Despite that girl’s desire to see the world, I knew she would never stray too far. Plus, she and Dylan have the weird twin bond thing which ensures that she won’t stay away for long.”
I interject with, “Yeah, their twin thing is kind of weird, isn’t it?”
“Oh, yeah. I don’t know that I will ever fully grasp the relationship that those two have,” she agrees. “But I knew that when you left, you were going to want to stay gone.”
“I didn’t want to stay gone forever. It just seemed like every time I came back, you and I fought. It just made it easier to avoid all of that.”
“I get it. And I know I was hard on you when you did come back, but sometimes, I’d just get so hurt. I guess it came out as anger.” She pauses for a moment. “Eliza, I didn’t grow up with a great home life. You know that. I didn’t have the gaggle of siblings and great parents like your dad had. I was anxious to get away from there but for a slew of entirely different reasons than you had. Mine were based on self-preservation. I told myself that I wanted a big family, and I promised myself that I would do anything to keep us close. When you strayed, I felt like I failed.”
I know bits and pieces from my mom’s early years, but she’s never wanted to talk about it much. I know she was close with her grandma, but she died while Mom was still a kid. That grandma was the person I was named after. Aside from that, I know next to nothing. Mom’s always said she wanted to live in the present rather than the past. Because of all the issues with her parents, I’ve never even met them. I don’t think she’s had any contact since she left at eighteen. Hearing her talk about it now makes me a little more empathetic to how she’s acted.
“Mom, you didn’t fail,” I say. “You have five kids who all turned out pretty awesome. Well, maybe not Michelle,” I joke.
“I know you think I’m hard on you. You’re right. I am. And I hate to break it to you, but that’s not about to change any time soon. You can think I’m a bitch if you want, but I’m not just going to let you flounder and fall into a deep, dark hole that you can’t get out of.”
“Mom, I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not, Eliza. Laying around eating junk food and playing on your phone all day isn’t going to move you forward in your life.”
“Maybe not. But who says I need to move forward right now? Isn’t it okay to just lay around and be lazy while I adjust to all of this?”
“What have you been doing for the past year? Back in LA, weren’t you doing basically what you were doing now…after all the court proceedings were done?”
I avoid eye contact and pick at my fingernails. “Maybe.”
She has a point. After things blew up, I had a lot of free time on my hands, waiting for answers that seemed like they would never come. During that time, my days didn’t look much different than they do now—except there I was worried yet simultaneously in a constant state of denial.
I finally look up at her and see her looking back. “Honey, it’s time to move forward. Time to stop looking in the rearview mirror and figure out where you’re going next. And for the love of God, you have to stop organizing my house.”
That manages to get a quiet laugh out of me. “Sorry. I thought I was helping.”
“I know you did. And I appreciate the sentiment. But I want you to imagine me walking into your neatly organized house and moving things around. It would drive you crazy, wouldn’t it?”
I nod. “I see your point.”
Seeing that I’m barely picking at the chips in front of me, she asks, “Are you okay?’
“I guess,” I answer honestly. “I just feel like I let everyone down. My stupid business decisions put me in a huge mess.”
“Well, it’s a good thing messes can be cleaned up. Look, Eliza, you put your trust in the wrong person. It happens. Was it a mistake? Sure. But everybody makes them. And for the record, I’m still proud of you.”
“Why?”
“You went out there and you tried. Yes, you got knocked down, and I expect it will happen again. The only time I wouldn’t be proud of you is if you didn’t get back up and keep fighting.”
“I have no idea what to do now. I just feel like I have no purpose.”
“Well, I have a couple different ideas about that.”
“Oh?” I ask, relatively intrigued to hear what she has to say.
“One, you could come to the bar and work. We could always use more hands around there.”
“Oh.” This time, that word is far less enthusiastic. “Look, Mom, I love you and Dad both. But I think that us all working together is just a bit much. We may end up killing each other.”
She smiles. “I was thinking the same thing, but that one was your father’s idea. You know him. He thinks that the whole world should sit around singing Kumbaya, and everything would be fine.”
“So, what’s your other idea?”
“Do you remember Esther who runs the inn?”
I nod because I’m pretty sure that woman has been around since the town was founded.
“She’s looking to ease into retirement. She wants to keep ownership of the inn, but she needs someone to run the day-to-day operations.”
“What does that entail?” I ask.
“You would handle the place during the day. You’ll help get people checked in and out, make sure the kitchen runs smoothly, and help clean up. Things like that. At night, they have a part-time person who comes in and runs the desk, so you’d be off the clock.”
“What does it pay?”
“Does it matter?” She smiles. “It’s more than the nothing you’re making right now. Plus, the cherry on top is that it comes with free room and board. There’s a suite upstairs that you could live in free of charge. That way, you can do your own thing without being stuck with your dad and I.”
“Sold,” I say before realizing that I was maybe a little too eager. “Sorry. I am super grateful to you guys for letting me move back in.”
“You’re always welcome, Eliza. No matter what. I think all of your siblings have moved back in at one point or another.”
“Really?”
She nods. “Like I said, everyone makes mistakes.”
After our food comes, we dig in, and I ask, “Why can’t you and I get along like this all the time? It seems like we are always at each other’s throats.”
“We’re too similar,” she replies.
My face contorts. “How do you figure? I don’t think you and I are much alike.”
“Hard-headed? Career-driven? Big brass balls? I think you and I are more alike than you think.”
“Never thought about it that way before.”
“I know you probably don’t want to admit that you are anything like me, but I think the similarities are greater than you think. You’re probably more like me than any of your siblings.”
“What about Michelle?”
She finishes the bite she just took before answering. “Michelle and I have our moments, but not like the two of us.” She points between us.
I know typically, I would take her words as an insult because the woman drives me up the fucking wall. But above all else, I admire my mom. She is the strongest woman I know, so I guess I should be honored that she thinks we are so similar.
She changes the subject. “So, have you talked to Mitch?”
Just the name sends a shiver down my spine. The name of the man who systematically worked to destroy the life I had built. I’m not sure if he actually meant to fuck me over or if he simply left me holding the bag for his crimes.
“No,” I tell her. “Last I heard, he moved to the Dominican Republic.”
He’s living it up, laying on a beach with a shit ton of my money.
“He hasn’t tried to contact you?”
“No. And I know he won’t. If I had any whereabouts on him, I’d turn him into the cops in a heartbeat. He knows that, so he will stay as far away from me as possible.”
“Good,” she says. “Heaven help that man if he tries to track you down here. I think that may be the thing that finally pushes your dad over the edge. He’d probably shoot the bastard.”
“Never going to happen,” I say the words, and I know they’re true. I don’t know that Mitch will ever stop leaving a bad taste in my mouth. We weren’t only business partners, but we were friends. And we even fell into bed together on more than one occasion. Although he’s a dick, losing him hurt too. For a long time, I hoped that he would come back to try to fix the situation that he put me in.
But he never did.
He never even tried to reach out.
That’s alright. It was a good lesson in that knights don’t actually come rescue the maidens.
Lesson learned.