17. Realization and Ammends
seventeen
Liz
Leaning back in the chair, I prop my feet up on the front desk of the inn. Maybe it’s not the most professional look, but my ankle hurts, and I don’t have any guests at the moment. To be honest, I’m a little surprised this place is still in business. Looking back at the check-in logs for the past year, I see that there’s never been a time when it was completely booked.
It’s not like Lilly Leaf Falls gets a lot of tourism. Around holidays, people will come into town and visit family, but besides that, almost everyone is long-term.
Although this isn’t my dream job by any means, it’s not a bad one. I have a lot of free time to listen to podcasts or read a book on my phone. I guess it’ll do until I figure out what I want my next move to be.
I’m thankful for the slow day since my ankle is still throbbing, and I am trying to stay off of it as much as possible. Not being able to run in the mornings is throwing off my whole routine.
Just the idea of my daily jog makes me think of Jack, which prompts me to grab one of the donuts he dropped off on the other end of the desk. I take a bite and let out an involuntary moan at how decadent it is. Back in LA, I was always on the go, and most of my meals consisted of salads, lettuce wraps, and smoothies—mainly because those were the easiest things to find. I forgot how much I love sweets.
It was nice of him to bring them by and apologize. I still have no idea why he’s so weird about where he came from or what happened.
Okay, that’s a lie.
I do understand.
I’m in no hurry to talk about what happened to me. Because of that, I’m trying to just let it go. Quite frankly, I don’t know why I even give a fuck. It’s not like I’m going to have some deep relationship with this man. We just run together occasionally, and he’s fixing my car.
That’s it.
There’s no way I’m dropping my pants for Mr. Paul Bunyan—no matter how big of an axe he may be swinging.
I shake my head in an attempt to rattle any thoughts like that right on out. Ronnie must be rubbing off on me.
I pull up the eBook on my phone and get back to reading a book about Jeffrey Dahmer. I’m so immersed in it that I don’t hear the front door chime, and I get the shit scared out of me when I look up to see someone standing at the desk.
“Holy hell!” I practically yell.
It takes me a second to realize that it’s Michelle.
“Is that how you greet all your guests?” She asks in a sarcastic tone.
“Sometimes,” I say, putting my hand over my heart. “What’s up?”
She sets a box on the desk. “Mom wanted me to bring by the monthly supply of booze for this place.”
Since my parents get a great deal on liquor, they help supply some of the other local establishments around town.
“Oh, thanks,” I say, moving the box to the counter behind me.
“Yep.” She goes to leave, but I call after her.
“Hey, can we talk?” I ask.
“I don’t want to.”
I come around the counter and hobble toward her, each step hurting more and more. “Come on. Please talk to me. And please don’t make me chase after you. I have a bum ankle.”
She turns around to see me limping. “What did you do to your ankle?”
“I stepped in a hole while running.”
She purses her lips together, and I can tell she’s trying her hardest to not make a snide comment about how it’s some sort of cosmic karma.
“Come on,” I tell her. “Five minutes. And I’ll even make us some coffee.”
She thinks for a moment, and I wait patiently for her to tell me to piss off. But she doesn’t. She says, “Fine. Five minutes.”
I walk to the kitchen to pour us each a cup of coffee out of the pot I brewed a little while ago. When I come back, I half expect her to be gone, but she’s taken a seat at one of the chairs in the small dining area.
“Here you go,” I tell her. “I hope you still take it with cream and sugar.”
“Yep.”
After we both take our initial sips, I start the conversation off. “I just wanted to talk to you and figure out why you’re so mad at me.”
She sighs and rolls her eyes. “Liz, we don’t have to do this.”
“Yes, we do. You and I used to be so close—”
She cuts me off, “Yeah, and then, you left.”
“Is that what this whole thing was about? Me leaving? You knew I wanted to go to college, and you celebrated with me when I got into my dream school.”
“Liz, I’m not mad at you for going to college. I was so proud of you for doing that. I still am. But you left and completely forgot about everyone here. When I got pregnant, I was terrified. But the one thing I was excited about was that my baby would grow up surrounded by their aunts and uncle and would be so loved. But you missed damn near all of it.”
Trying to defend myself, I say, “Michelle, I tried being there when I could. I know I should have come home more, but I always tried to make sure Eve knew she was loved. I always sent Christmas and birthday gifts—”
“Right,” she interrupts. “Liz, you tried to shove your money in my face.”
“What?” I ask, completely taken aback.
“You would send expensive gifts like you were trying to buy her love. It doesn’t work that way.” She pauses a moment. “Liz, you bought her a game system, which was a nice thought, but each of the games is $70. How many of them do you think I was able to buy for her as a single mom?”
Five seconds ago, I was ready to hold my ground and defend my stance, but Michelle’s words stop me.
I pivot to say, “I didn’t realize…”
“I know you didn’t. Liz, I’m happy that you were doing so well for yourself. I really am. But it sucked feeling like I lost a sister and then feeling like that sister was rubbing my face in her success.”
I look down and start picking at my fingernails. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. My life just changed so much.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling. I became responsible for an entire other human being.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you did a great job with Eve. She’s an awesome kid.”
She manages to crack a small smile. “Thanks. I wish I could take full credit, but it really does take a village. Without Mom and Dad, I don’t know that we would have made it very far.”
“Michelle, if you needed me, I would have come, but you never said anything. Every time we did talk, you seemed like you were fine.”
She scoffs. “What am I supposed to say, Liz? I’m drowning? I need help? I miss my sister?”
“Yeah! That’s exactly what you should have said. I would have been back in a heartbeat.”
“I know! And that’s why I never did. The first couple of years when you were gone, I knew that if I called and said I needed you, you would have dropped everything to come. I couldn’t do that to you.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “So, I need you to be more clear on what you’re mad about. You tell me you’re upset that I stayed away, but when I tell you that you never said anything to me, you say you knew I would have come back.”
“Right. For the first couple of years, I did feel like that. But after a while, I felt like you stopped caring altogether. You know, there were times when Eve was little and would want to talk to you, so I would try to call you multiple times a day with no response. Eventually, she just stopped asking.”
Guilt punches me in the gut. “I’m sorry. After college, I was so busy trying to get the business started that I didn’t have time for much else. I should have been there more.”
Both of us fall silent for a moment.
She taps her finger on the side of her mug, unsure of where to take the conversation from here.
I take the lead and say, “Look, Michelle, I can’t go back in time and fix any of this. If I had known how you felt back then, maybe I could have worked on things, and we could be in a better place right now. Hell, you might have even been happy to see me. But I’m back now, and I would like to work on our relationship to try to get it back to a healthy place.”
She thinks for what seems like an obscene amount of time. The woman sure knows how to keep me guessing.
Finally, she gives me a small smile. “You talk like a damn shrink now. Do you know that?”
That makes me laugh. “Well, I saw one enough in LA that I guess it rubbed off on me.”
“You paid money for someone to tell you how fucked up you were? I would have done that for free.”
“I guess now you will get your chance since I’m broke now.”
Her face falls a little. “I am sorry for everything that you went through. Nobody should have to deal with any of that.”
“Thanks. It is what it is.” I say the words, and I hope one day, I mean them.
We finish our coffee with a little bit of just catching up rather than getting into anything else too deep. I think we’ve had enough of that for one day. I don’t expect things between Michelle and I to get better overnight, but I hope that we are off to a good start. I’d love to have a relationship with her again—and Eve.
After our mugs are both empty, she says, “Well, I better get going. I told Eve I would help her study for the Mathletes tournament.”
“Mathletes? Really? That girl is smart as a whip.”
“Yeah. She doesn’t get it from me.” She stops to eye the flyer that is sitting on the front desk.
I ask, “Are you planning to go to Lilly Leaf Falls’ first-ever singles night?” I ask in my best game show host voice.
“Eh.” Her face scrunches up. “Maybe. I just hope they invite some people from other towns. I feel like around here, it’s slim pickin” these days. I feel like I’ve already dated most of the good ones. Maybe I’m just doomed to be single for the rest of my life.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll find someone,” I respond, trying to be reassuring.
“Are you going to go?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t know that love is something I should be focusing on at the moment. My life is enough of a mess without all of that hassle.”
“Love?” She asks. “Wow, you just jump right to it, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and have some fun?”
“What is this fun of which you speak?” I joke.
She laughs. “It may not be bad to get all dolled up for the night and see what kind of trouble you can get into.”
“I’ll think about it.”
We say a quick goodbye, and I return to my seat behind the desk to prop my foot back up. I grab the flyer to read through it again.
No, I’m not looking for love, but maybe a singles night wouldn’t be bad. I figure if I try to assimilate back into the town, maybe everyone will stop with the gossip behind my back.
And maybe I could find someone to go to bed with—even if only for a night. I do miss sex.
Alright.
Singles night, here I come.