Logan (Federal Protection Agency #9)

Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

Clay

Logan’s random selection of music had landed us on a selection of eighties music. The morning of the sixth day of our trip was spent rocking out to songs from Madonna , Guns N’ Roses , and Duran Duran . Logan never asked why I curated the music before listening to it, but I could tell he knew the reason.

“Angel” was an unfortunately common word that popped up in many lyrics. Like walking through a field laced with hidden landmines. If I didn’t already know the song, I could be enjoying myself one minute, then trip right into an explosion of unwanted memories.

I used to love Christmas as a kid, but now the season put me into a constant state of anxiety due to all the angel imagery.

Michael Jackson’s song Beat It had just ended, with Logan and I singing along out of turn, when we passed a sign that said, “Welcome to Maryland.” Since my breakdown a few days ago, I’d stopped paying attention to the miles passing by and just enjoyed my time with Logan. It had been so long since I actually felt safe with someone that nothing else seemed to matter. I’d nearly forgotten the reason we were driving to Maryland in the first place.

There was only about two hundred miles between us and our destination.

Two hundred miles until I saw my brother again.

Panic surged hot in my gut, and I could taste the pancakes I’d had for breakfast coming back up again.

“Pull over.”

I had no idea what my face looked like, but it must have been dramatic. Logan didn’t even wait to find a rest stop, and just pulled immediately over to the side of the freeway.

I stumbled out of the door before the car had even been put in park and ran to the side of the road to throw up over the concrete barrier.

My throat burned with bile, and my eyes were watering so badly that the world looked blurry around me. Through it all, Logan’s hand trailed over my back, soothing my fevered skin even through my clothes.

“Sorry,” I croaked as I stood back up. By now, I wasn’t even surprised when Logan’s only response was to hand me a tissue to wipe my mouth and a bottle of water.

We stood there for about fifteen minutes by the side of the road, waiting for me to compose myself. Part of me wanted to immediately get back in the car and finish the trip while another part of me wanted to run in the other direction away from this whole crazy idea before I could get hurt again.

Because this was certainly going to hurt.

There was no way my brother would accept me back into his life. He might claim to accept me and understand what I’d been through, but that was easy to say from a distance. The reality would be very different when I was standing in front of him and I was no longer the same unbroken kid he remembered.

“What if he doesn’t want me? I don’t have anywhere else to go. At least back in San Francisco I had a roof over my head. Here, I’ll be broke and homeless.”

While we’d been waiting, Logan had grabbed a water bottle for himself as well. He took a deep sip, giving my question proper consideration before answering.

“I don’t think you need to worry about that. From what I’ve seen of Jason Dahler, he seems like a reasonable man.” Just as I was about to argue, Logan cut me off. “However, if it turns out I’m wrong and you aren’t able to stay here…” He shrugged. “Then, I’ll just have to take you somewhere else. It’s a big world. There are plenty of places you could go. Heck. I’ve even got a guest room, if you’d like. You’ve got plenty of options.”

My whole body was numb as I listened to him, and the water bottle slipped from my fingers. It made an unexpectedly loud sound when it hit the asphalt, but it managed to land in just the right way that it remained upright. Some of the water splashed out, but it remained, for the most part, unsullied by the dirt on the ground.

I stared at the bottle, fighting the urge to kick it over. “You’d do that? You’d really… take me with you?”

Logan bent down to pick the water bottle off the ground and screw the cap back on before storing it with his own half-finished bottle in the back of the car.

“Of course. One way or another, I’m going to see you safe and settled somewhere. However, like I said, I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”

He stretched his arms over his head, groaning when his spine popped after so many days of driving. My gaze automatically tracked the rise of his shirt, which exposed an inch of skin just above his pants. The skin under his clothes was a little paler than on his arms and face, meaning some of his tanned complexion came from spending plenty of time in the sun.

I wondered what he did in his off time, when he wasn’t rescuing lost souls and reuniting families.

Was Logan the kind of person who enjoyed extreme outdoor activities, or was he the kind of person who kicked back on the beach and relaxed during his down time?

I’d probably never know, and that thought made me sad. Logan had a life to get back to; a life filled with people and activities I wasn’t a part of.

It was time to get on with my own life.

We climbed back into the car, and finished the last two hundred miles listening to various types of classical music that filled the silence without the risk of any inflammatory lyrics.

The clock on the car’s radio showed it was just past noon when we pulled into my brother’s neighborhood. It wasn’t the same exact same area where I’d grown up, but it was close enough that I could almost imagine I was traveling back in time. It seemed like nothing had changed in the years I’d been gone.

Jason’s house looked just like the images I’d seen on social media. Even the picket fence surrounding the property was so white it looked like it had been photoshopped.

Was it better or worse that Jason’s life was just as picturesque as it seemed from a distance?

Despite recognizing the house, I didn’t immediately recognize my brother standing in the driveway. Jason was smiling in all his social media pictures, but now he looked stressed and worried, pacing back and forth from one end of the driveway to the other.

He looked like a completely different person without a smile on his face, but oddly enough, the fact gave me comfort.

In that condition, he looked more like me, and I could see the resemblance between us.

The car came to a stop in the driveway, but before I could get out, Logan told me to wait for a second. He got out first and went to speak with my brother. If I rolled down the window, I probably could have heard what they were saying, but I didn’t want to know.

After a minute, Jason backed up a few steps, keeping some distance from the car as Logan opened the door for me.

“All right. It’s now or never.”

My hands shook as I held my bag to my chest, hyper-aware of how little the entirety of my possessions weighed. Stepping out of Logan’s car took more effort than I cared to admit. I nearly slipped into the Midnight Zone when I heard the door close behind me. My vision started fading around the edges, and for a moment, I could see myself from above as I approached my brother, but I shoved the welcoming headspace away and focused on what was happening. I’d both hoped for and dreaded this moment for years, and I was determined to experience it with a clear head, no matter the outcome.

“Clay?” Jason said as I approached.

My name sounded like both a greeting and a question at the same time. It was no wonder. In his eyes, I must look like a creature from a horror film. Like a shape-shifting alien, or a Skinwalker trying to take his brother’s place.

“Jason.” His name felt awkward on my lips, but I didn’t know what else to say. “Um… I’m back. I guess. Or… back doesn’t really sound like the right word. I’m here? No. That’s worse.”

My inane rambling cut off when he grabbed my shoulders. His touch was light, I could barely feel the weight of his hands, but the sudden physical contact still made me flinch. Luckily, he didn’t notice, as he was too busy looking me up and down like he was trying to see all of me at once.

After a moment of consideration, his gaze landed on my neck. The birthmark there was still the same shape as when I was a kid.

Most days, when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize myself. Except for my birthmark. That always looked familiar.

Jason seemed to take comfort in the mark as well, for once he noticed it, his whole face lit up with joy.

“You’re back.”

Before I could respond, he pulled me into a hug.

I froze.

For a moment, my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I nearly shoved him away. That would have ruined everything, so thankfully, I was able to control it and stand still for the remainder of the hug.

When Jason pulled away, there were tears in his eyes and I could feel some dampness on my shirt. Yet, he was also smiling and he wiped the tears away with a bubbling little laugh.

“Sorry. I’m making a mess of you. Here. Come inside. We can sit down and talk where it’s more comfortable.”

He held out a hand toward the front door of the house in an inviting gesture, but I looked back toward Logan.

He wasn’t going to leave yet, was he?

Technically, his job was done. He’d brought me to my brother safe and sound. He was free to return to his life, back on the other side of the country.

Logan must have read the distress on my face, for he stepped up to accept my brother’s invitation for me.

“Yeah. We should go inside. No reason to have this kind of conversation out on the street.”

Inside, Jason’s house was just as perfectly laid out as the outside, right down to the tasteful artwork on the walls and the glass vase sitting on its own display table and holding a purple orchid that was so flawless I thought it was fake at first.

I scowled at the flower. From what I’d heard about orchids, they were very difficult to maintain, and this one stood at least two feet tall with many colorful blooms.

How much time and effort went into caring for this single plant?

It was living better than a lot of people I knew, including myself. The imbalance didn’t seem fair.

“Hello.”

I jumped at the sound of the unexpected voice, and barely avoided knocking over the vase.

Off to the side, another person stood in the living room, obviously waiting for us. The man’s face was familiar, but it took me a moment to recognize him.

Jason approached the other man with a wide smile and open arms. “Clay. Let me introduce you to my partner, Patrick.”

Patrick was a sturdy looking individual, with soft eyes and an endearingly crooked smile. He accepted a brief one-armed hug from Jason, the kind of familiar show of intimacy only exchanged by couples. Then, he approached me with a smile on his face and his hand outstretched. “Clay. It’s great to finally meet you. Jason has told me so much about you. I’m glad you’re finally here.”

“Right.” I accepted his handshake, but my own hand was limp with shock and probably felt like a dead fish in comparison to his firm, confident grip. “Sorry. I forgot.”

“Forgot?” Jason asked as he stepped up to Patrick’s side.

“That you’re married. I forgot you’re married. Congratulations. Sorry, I’m three years too late to congratulate you.”

An expression fell over Jason’s face that I couldn’t read. His eyebrows were pinched together in a way that implied unhappy thoughts, but he didn’t exactly look upset.

Had I said something wrong?

Did my comment about congratulating him remind him of how much time had passed?

Surely, they didn’t think I’d have a problem with their relationship. Even if I wasn’t also gay myself, I’d have no cause to complain about a relationship that made my brother happy.

“You… know when we got married?” Jason asked.

“Oh, um, yeah.” I shrugged. “I’ve looked you up online before, so I’ve kept track of the important things.”

“Important things? But you didn’t…” Whatever Jason was going to say, he stopped himself and shook his head before his expression abruptly shifted. “Come on. Sit down. Tell us about your drive here.”

When Jason sat down, a small dog jumped onto his lap, happily wagging its tail. It was a white, moppet-like thing. Probably a purebred, but I didn’t know enough about dogs to recognize which one. It didn’t even seem to notice me, so focused on getting attention from its owner.

Jason’s hand automatically stroked over the dog’s back as he spoke. “We’ve already got the guest room made up. You can move your stuff in there immediately. Is the rest of it in the car?”

I glanced down at the single bag sitting by my feet. “No. This is it.”

“Ah.” Jason’s expression shuttered for a moment, his smile nearly slipping off before latching on more firmly again. “That certainly makes moving easier. Did you have a hard time getting here?”

Did I?

My first instinct was to say no. Logan had done all the work driving, and even paid for everything. All I had to do was sit in the passenger seat and pick out music to listen to.

However, I also couldn’t say it had been easy. I’d had more breakdowns in the last few days than in the last several years.

When the silence lasted too long and I still hadn’t said anything, Logan took over and answered Jason’s question for me. He gave a general explanation of our trip, focusing on mundane things like the different scenery we’d passed, and having to pull over when we got caught in the storm. Not once did he mention any of my tantrums, or the numerous times I’d broken down crying, or throwing up on the side of the road. Based on Logan’s description, it almost sounded like we were on a vacation exploring the countryside.

This was how conversations were supposed to be. Small talk was meant to fill the silence between people and put everyone at ease. It seemed to take Logan no effort at all, as if he already knew exactly what to say and what not to say.

When had I lost the ability to carry on a conversation?

How was I supposed to live here if I couldn’t even talk to my own brother without being frozen with indecision?

The conversation around me died and the silence alerted me to the fact that something was wrong. Snapping out of my thoughts, I noticed everyone looking at me with concern.

Even the damned dog had stopped wagging its tail to stare at me with its big dark eyes.

Logan’s hand gripped my shoulder. “Clay? What’s wrong?”

That was when I felt the moisture dripping down my cheeks. Somewhere during the conversation I’d begun to cry silently without even noticing.

Something in my chest clicked, like a lock falling open, and I started openly sobbing and blabbering all at once. Every thought I’d had since arriving all tumbled out of my mouth at once. The confusing mix of hope and fear that had been plaguing me since the start of the journey here was difficult to explain, and probably didn’t make much sense. Especially since I was trying to talk with my face buried in my hands to hide my tears.

Yet, no one tried to stop me or told me to be quiet.

Several minutes passed before I calmed down enough to look up and wipe the tears out of my eyes. I found Logan sitting beside me, as I’d come to expect, but I was more surprised to find my brother also kneeling on the floor in front of me. His hand rested on the couch cushion next to my leg, like he’d tried to reach out but hadn’t wanted to touch me.

“Sorry,” I muttered as I used the sleeve of my shirt to scrub the moisture off my face. “I didn’t mean to ruin the mood like that. Just ignore me. I’m a mess.”

The bruise around my eye had faded but had not completely disappeared. It had stopped throbbing after about two days, and I could almost forget about it so long as I didn’t look in a mirror. However, my furious scrubbing at my face reminded me that the old wound was still there. I flinched when I pressed too hard near my eye, but kept going, desperate to erase the evidence of my most recent outburst.

A hand on my wrist stopped my movements. Jason was careful as he pulled my hands away from my face, not gripping me too hard so I could pull away if I wanted to.

“Please don’t apologize. You didn’t ruin anything. I expected today to be emotional. In fact, I’d be more worried if you didn’t cry.”

“But—” I couldn’t decide whether to push his hands away or hold onto him, so I ended up just making a strange pointless gesture like I was trying to grasp something that didn’t exist. “You seemed so excited about me coming here. I don’t want to make you upset. This should be a happy moment, right?”

“This moment shouldn’t even exist.”

I pulled back at the unexpected rejection, but almost as soon as he spoke Jason seemed to realize how his words sounded and rushed to correct himself.

“No, wait. I don’t mean you shouldn’t be here. I mean, we shouldn’t need to be reunited at all. You shouldn’t have been missing in the first place. But we can’t change the past, and you’re here now. That’s all that matters. Happy. Sad. Angry. I don’t care as long as you’re here.”

Jason had always been taller than me, even when we were kids. I couldn’t remember a moment when I wasn’t looking up to him. Yet, with him kneeling on the floor, I was the taller of the two of us for once. That made it much easier when I leaned forward and pulled him into a hug.

As soon as I crossed that physical boundary, Jason’s arms wrapped around me so tightly my ribs ached. It was technically our second hug, but with both of us participating, it put our first hug to shame.

We didn’t cry. Enough tears had already been shed today. I couldn’t even describe the emotions swirling through me as I held my brother for the first time in years. They weren’t all happy emotions, but they weren’t all negative ones, either.

Logan’s hand on my shoulder caught my attention, and I looked over at him without breaking the hug.

He silently mouthed a question toward me, asking me if I was okay.

I thought for a moment, then gave a small nod.

I wasn’t great, but I was okay. My brother accepted me, and seemed to have even made a place for me in his home.

That was enough for now.