Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
Clay
It had started to rain again. The dry weather couldn’t hold out forever, and when the rains returned, they came back with a vengeance as if making up for lost time. Like a silver curtain covering the world, I couldn’t see more than a few feet beyond the awning where I was taking cover.
What in the world had possessed me to agree to this?
Jason’s words about dating and practice had stuck in my head, and before I knew it, I had agreed to go on a date with Kenneth.
It had been surprisingly easy. The next time I’d been at the halfway house, and I’d ended up speaking with Kenneth, all I had to do was wait for him to start hinting again and agree. From there, we decided on a day and time to meet, and that was that.
I’d had “meetings” with clients that were harder to arrange.
My first moment of real doubt came as I waited outside the movie theater by myself, peering through the heavy rain for a hint of Kenneth approaching.
What if he changed his mind and didn’t show up?
Was there an established etiquette for dates that didn’t happen?
How would it affect my time at the halfway house?
Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to this with someone I saw on a regular basis. If things went poorly, there would be no getting away from my failure.
It wasn’t too late to call it off. I had Kenneth’s number. I could call him right now and tell him I wasn’t able to make it.
“Clay?”
Too late.
I turned to greet Kenneth with a smile. “Hey. There you are. I didn’t see you arrive in this rain.”
He was a little wet but had managed to avoid getting too soaked by darting immediately under the theater awning like I had. His short dark bangs were stuck to his forehead with water, and he ran his fingers through them to try and put his hair back into place.
“I was hoping the weather would hold out a little longer, but I’m never that lucky.” There wasn’t much he could do while his hair was still wet, so he gave up after a moment with a nervous chuckle. “I’m glad you’re here. I was half convinced that you weren’t going to show up or would bail on me last minute.”
“What? No, we agreed to meet, so of course I’m going to show,” I lied, keeping the fact that I’d nearly done exactly as he feared firmly locked behind my teeth.
The rushing sound of the rain made it hard to talk, so we stepped inside the movie kiosk to take shelter behind the safety of closed doors.
As we both silently considered the movies currently playing, I couldn’t help looking around at the other people present. More than half of them were couples. It was easy to tell from the way they stood next to each other, often with their arms around each other. Even the ones who weren’t blatantly holding onto each other at least stood close enough to touch in some way.
I eyed the space between Kenneth and myself. Like this, we looked no different than friends.
Other than physical intimacy, what was the difference between a date and just hanging out with a friend?
Nothing really. Take sex out of the equation, and I saw no difference between romance and friendship.
I already knew how to handle friendship, so maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.
One of the movies on the list caught my eye and I pointed it out. It was an adaptation of a book I’d recently read. I’d liked the book and was curious to see if the movie would be equally as enjoyable.
“What? That?” Kenneth said when I pointed it out. “It’s a kid’s movie. It’ll be boring.”
Oh, right.
The books I read were all middle school or high school books. That meant the movies made from them would be targeted toward the same audience. I’d grown so used to my reading choices being treated as normal, that I’d forgotten that most adults aren’t interested in “kid stuff”.
I was about to argue that we could still enjoy the movie even if it was meant for a young audience, when I noticed Kenneth searching though his wallet. He was counting the bills inside, trying not to draw attention to himself as he grimaced over the number.
I didn’t know what Kenneth’s financial situation was, but the fact that he was living in a halfway house meant it probably wasn’t good. I had a job, and a brother who supported me. While I wasn’t rich, I wasn’t struggling anymore either.
Between the two of us, it was more important for him to enjoy the movie because it was going to cost him more.
“You’re right,” I said, plastering a smile on my face that I hoped seemed genuine. “I haven’t actually watched many movies, so I don’t know what’s out right now. Why don’t you pick one out for us.”
“Really?” Kenneth flashed me a genuine smile. “Thanks!”
We ended up buying tickets for some random action movie I’d never heard of. As we headed for the theater, we passed the snack stand without a word, both of us pretending it didn’t exist.
Candy and snacks were a luxury I loved to indulge in, much to the grievance of my waistline, but the prices I could see listed behind the snack stand were criminal. I may not be hurting for money, but even I couldn’t justify such an expense.
Half the theater was filled by the time we got there, so we found a pair of seats near the back wall, as far from others as possible. As we waited for the movie to start, Kenneth and I talked for a bit, sticking to general topics such as games we’d played, books we’d read, and so on.
It didn’t take long for me to come to the realization that we had almost nothing in common.
Literally, after fifteen minutes of trying and failing to find common ground, it seemed like being gay was our only shared interest.
Luckily, the movie started before things could get too awkward and we had an excuse to stop talking.
I was bored.
Only twenty minutes in, and the hero had already escaped three different gun fights through increasingly absurd means. I was fighting the urge to close my eyes and fall asleep, but at least in the seat next to me Kenneth seemed to be enjoying himself.
At the halfway point of the movie, I’d stopped paying attention and had no idea what was going on. I made up a game in my head, imagining outlandish things that could happen in the movie. I’d just drawn up a scenario where aliens suddenly descended and abducted all the characters, when I felt an unexpected touch against my hand.
I pulled away instinctively, and a spike of fear gripped my heart. Glancing over, terrified of what I would see, I found Kenneth slowly withdrawing his hand and placing it back on the armrest.
I felt bad. It seemed like he’d merely been trying to hold my hand. That was something that people who were dating did but letting him touch me wasn’t the same as letting him pick the movie. The feeling of hands grabbing me in the dark was too familiar and brought back more memories than I was prepared to deal with. That was one concession I couldn’t give him.
I sat with both my hands tucked safely in my lap for the rest of the movie.
Afterward, as we stood outside the theater under the awning, waiting for our respective Ubers to arrive, Kenneth tried reaching for my hand again, but didn’t look shocked when I pulled away.
He sighed, but the sound was mostly swallowed by the rain.
“You aren’t really interested in dating me, are you?”
I opened my mouth to argue, but no words came out.
What could I say?
I refused to lie to him. He didn’t deserve that, but I also couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t sound insulting.
All I could give him was the truth, even if it was uncomfortable or confusing.
“Honestly, I don’t know what I want.” I ran a hand through my hair and grimaced when my fingers snagged on several knots. My wavy hair had always tangled easily, especially in wet weather.
I didn’t try to pull through the knots and just left them in place to be brushed out properly later.
Kenneth scowled down at his feet, not even looking at me as he buried both hands in his pockets.
“I probably shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. You’re way to pretty for me.”
I hated it when people complimented my physical appearance. It was too close to the compliments that clients would often say to me when they thought it would get them a better deal. Or worse, the way my captors would admire me like they were praising themselves for their own good taste.
Instead of getting upset though, I kept my expression neutral as I sought a way to explain myself.
“It’s not like that. You did nothing wrong. This is on me. I don’t know what I want. I don’t even know if I’m ready to start dating, but I figured the only way to figure it out would be to try. I’m sorry if that’s disappointing.”
I expected him to be mad, or maybe even hurt.
What I didn’t expect was for him to start laughing.
“Are you really trying the ‘ its not you, it’s me’ , line?”
“Um... Yes? Is that a bad thing?”
I’d never heard that line before, but Kenneth’s reaction said that it was well known. There was a lot of supposedly common knowledge I was lacking, and it had gotten me into trouble before. Maybe that line “it’s not you it’s me,” had a negative meaning that I didn’t know about.
Kenneth stared at me in shock. “You really don’t recognize...” He trailed off, but his gaze flickered down to my hands, which I kept tucked firmly close to me.
Something seemed to occur to him, though I couldn’t tell what.
“You’re not ready,” he eventually concluded. “I get it. I really do. We’ve all been through some shit. I hope, when you are ready, you’ll know what you’re looking for.”
Most dates ended with a kiss, or maybe a hug.
Ours ended with a handshake.
It was an extremely awkward experience, but as I climbed into the back of my Uber driver’s car, I found that I was glad for the experience anyway.
I’d tried. That had to count for something.
After giving the driver Jason’s address, I pulled out my phone intending to call Logan.
Over the last year, I usually talked to him about once a week, and it had become a habit for me to call him after something noteworthy happened in my life. I looked forward to hearing his praise when I succeeded, or listening to his insightful analysis when I was confused.
My finger hovered over the call button. I’d never hesitated to call him before, but when I imagined telling him about my attempt at dating, my stomach turned several uncomfortable flips. I didn’t want him to know what I’d done tonight. I felt like I’d done something wrong, and even the thought of talking to Logan about dating filled me with tangle of unpleasant emotions.
I shoved my phone back in my pocket.
There was no reason to tell Logan about my date right away. I could tell him later.
For now, I would keep it to myself.