Logan (Federal Protection Agency #9)

Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

Logan

Unlike in fairy tales or movies, true love’s kiss did not magically solve all our problems.

Clay and I spent several days together while I waited to fly the social worker back home after the kids were settled into their new home. We spent most of the time indulging in cliché “date” activities, such as going to overly romantic restaurants, a fair, and even the movies.

We also traded plenty of other kisses, but never more than that. Clay clung to my shoulders and arms eagerly, but he seemed shy about touching anything beyond that, so I mimicked him. I knew from the moment we crossed the line into non-platonic territory that Clay would have to dictate the pace, and we could move as quickly or slowly as he wanted.

By the time I needed to leave to return to Baton Rouge, we had vaguely agreed to try long-distance for now, but nothing else. We would need to figure a lot more things out, but I had hope that we were at least on the right track.

Yet, I wasn’t surprised when I arrived home to find I had several missed video calls from Clay. Throwing down my travel bag and collapsing on my bed, I took a deep breath and called him back.

“Hey, Clay. Something wrong? I noticed you called several times.”

Clay answered the video call immediately, but he kept the phone at an angle so that it wasn’t pointed directly at his face. I could still see his expression, so I knew something was off, but without being able to look directly into his eyes, I couldn’t begin to guess what he was thinking.

“Logan. Sorry. I shouldn’t have called so many times when I knew you were traveling. I just… panicked.”

I sat up on the bed, ready to run out the door and all the way back to Maryland if necessary. “Panicked? Did something happen?”

“No.” Clay finally looked directly at the screen, and I could see the red rims around his eyes that said he had been crying recently. “Nothing’s wrong. I just got in my head after you left and started over-thinking things. But Jason was able to talk me down, so I’m fine now.”

He laughed as if what he’d said was just a joke, but my own expression turned even more serious.

“Over-thinking about what? If you’re having second thoughts, then?—”

Clay cut me off before I could even finish the sentence.

“I’m not having second thoughts.” He threw his hands out as if he meant to reach out to me, only to hit the cold surface of a screen instead. The phone was knocked off whatever he’d used to prop it up, and there were several moments of chaotic fumbling before I was able to see him again.

“I’m not having second thoughts,” Clay repeated, looking more frazzled than before. Several strands of hair were stuck to his cheek, and I longed to reach out and tuck them behind his ears. “I’m having too many thoughts, is the problem. Until now, I never thought about having a real relationship with anyone. It didn’t seem like something that was possible for me. Now that it is… I don’t know what to think.”

My first instinct was to immediately reassure him and tell him that everything was fine. We could take as long as he needed to figure things out, and if he ultimately did change his mind, then that would be okay, too.

However, then I took a closer look at him. He was twisting his fingers together, a certain sign that he was nervous, while also chewing on his bottom lip. This last action meant he had something he wanted to say, but he wasn’t certain if he should speak up.

If I interrupted him now, he would swallow his words and bury them. So, as much as I wanted to speak, I kept my mouth shut and waited.

My patience was rewarded a moment later when, in a small breathless voice, Clay finally spoke.

“When you were here, all we did was kiss. Relationships usually involve more than that.”

With each word he spoke he looked more and more miserable.

Taking a chance, I spoke up. “A relationship doesn’t have to include sex. You know that, right? Like… I love kissing you, and I’d be happy to do more, but it’s also not a requirement. If kissing is all we ever do, I’ll still be happy.”

With a growl of frustration, Clay slammed his fist into the pillow beside him. “That’s not the problem. I want to do more with you, but it’s so confusing. I’ve never actually wanted anyone before. I’ve gotten so used to thinking of sex as something negative, something painful, that putting it together with you in my head feels wrong. Like I’m… making you dirty somehow by wanting you.”

He sighed, and before I could even respond, he was already smoothing out the pillow and putting it back into place.

“Sorry. I’ve already talked about all this with Jason, so I know this way of thinking isn’t right. I’ve already got an extra session with Doctor Coleman to help me work through it.”

I was half-tempted to fly off back to Maryland anyway, just so I could give him a hug. I hated to see Clay being so hard on himself.

Instead, I ran my finger over the screen, pretending the smooth surface under my skin was actually his cheek.

“It sounds like you’re on the right track then. And I understand that this is all probably very confusing for you. Take as much time as you need to figure things out. I’m not going anywhere.”

Blue eyes peered at me from under half-lowered lashes, and there was a playful glint back in Clay’s eye as he pouted.

“But you did go somewhere. You’re all the way over there in Louisiana while I’m stuck here, so many miles away. Long-distance relationships are hard. What if you get bored waiting for me, or find someone prettier?”

Based on his tone, he was mostly joking. Even if his words had a few real worries hidden in them, he was confident enough to turn them into a joke.

I laughed and shook my head, flashing him with a smile. “Is this your way of fishing for compliments? How could I possibly find someone prettier? You’re already perfect.”

Twirling a lock of hair around his finger, Clay started to bite his lip for a whole different reason. His actions were a bit stilted, like he wasn’t sure what he was doing and was just going through the motions, but the distress he’d felt earlier had completely left his eyes and his posture was relaxed.

“Am I pretty enough for someone to make a statue of me?”

Apparently, Clay was amused by my comparison of him to the sexy statue of Lucifer. It had come up several times since our conversation in the plane. So much so, that it was becoming a running joke between us.

I shook my head, acting as if I was burdened by a great sorrow. “I’m afraid, if anyone tried to make a statue of you, it would be banned for being too distracting. Even keeping pictures of you on my phone is practically the same as carrying a concealed weapon.” I smirked as I watched him struggle to contain his laughter. “Luckily, I’ve got a permit to conceal carry.”

The dam broke, and Clay started laughing hard enough that he had to clutch his stomach to keep himself from falling over.

“Logan,” he gasped through his laughter. “You’re a total dork. You act all cool and badass, but you’re actually just a weirdo.”

His laughter caused me to laugh, until we were both howling.

“Oh no. My secret’s been revealed. Now we’ll have to stay together so I can make sure you never tell anyone.”

It took a few minutes, but we eventually calmed down, and basked in the cathartic silence left behind after the outburst of positive emotions.

We sat so long in silence that I had no idea what time it was when Clay finally spoke up again.

“Thanks.”

While we’d been enjoying the silence, I’d slumped back against my bed, and was already half asleep. I raised my head to get a better look at the screen, and the little shy smile on Clay’s face made my heart stutter in my chest.

“For what?”

“For always knowing how to turn my craziness around into something positive. For taking everything so well. For just… being you.”

The miles between us felt so long and so small at the same time. It hadn’t even been a day since I last saw him, and I already missed him so much, yet it also felt as though he were right there next to me.

“I’ll keep being me if you keep being you. Deal?”

Clay’s smile was so bright I feared it would burn out the screen of my phone.

“Deal.”