Lost in Life

Chapter 3

“I love you, baby.”

The same line replays through my head over and over endlessly. Along with it the desperate thought of what else I could have done. What way I could have saved her.

“Mona was a beloved mother and friend. We are gathered here to celebrate her life as she has been welcomed home in the arms of the Lord.” I bristle at the pastor’s words.

He didn’t know my mother. None of these people did. Not really.

Looking around the room, I’m hit with another wave of anger, my one constant throughout this. My eyes land on Nova sitting beside me and I’m overwhelmed by guilt. They have been nothing but supportive, and all I’ve been is a total dick.

Nova looks up at me, reaching over to squeeze my knee, rolling their eyes toward the pastor still droning on about some bullshit none of us believe or find any comfort in. I want to smile, I want to offer some reaction, but I can’t. All I feel is the hollow empty spaces that my mother’s death has left. Shifting my gaze away, I catch Nova’s face fall and it cracks my broken heart further.

Why can’t I just reach out? Why am I like this?

Grief does crazy things to people, or at least that’s what I’ve been told.

Besides Nova and Ella, my mom was my only family. No aunts, uncles, or cousins. My grandparents died long before I was born and my father bailed early on. This is my first tango with a loss of this magnitude and to say I’m not handling it well is an understatement.

My eyes meet the pastor’s as he finishes his homily. “Would you like to say something, son?” He offers, gesturing toward the space beside him.

I numbly rise to my feet and walk toward the podium. My steps falter as each one brings me closer toward the open casket displaying my mother’s body. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me as I freeze, unable to move.

A small hand lands on my arm, making me jump. Nova steps in front of me, drawing my attention to them. “Are you okay?” They whisper, tightening their grip on me.

I’m still unable to move or speak for several heartbeats as I stare blankly at the one person I have left in the world.

As if I’m watching a movie, I see and hear myself rip my arm from their hold, snapping, “Leave me the fuck alone.” My heart shatters at the hurt I can see reflecting in Nova’s eyes, but I can’t seem to stop myself.

“This is bullshit. All of you,” I whip my head around, meeting every person’s shocked gaze. “You’re all a bunch of fucking hypocrites. Where were you, huh? Where were you when we needed help? When she needed-” My voice cracks and with it comes a blinding hot rage. “You all can sit here and pretend you cared, but you don’t, not really. If you did you would have done something.”

Turning on my heel, I storm out of the church and out of their lives.

I’m all alone now, best I get used to it.