Love and Other Goals (Love and Other #1)

Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

I open the door to my room, relieved to find that Amaya and Teegan aren’t there. They must still be down in the media room watching a movie. I close the door and sink down on my bed.

I’m not sure how to process what just happened with Mateo. My mind isn’t sure what thread to grab hold of to start untangling my thoughts and feelings. I pull up Spotify on my phone to turn on some music to help me think.

But which playlist matches the emotions swirling through my body? Moody doesn’t feel quite right; this certainly isn’t a mindful or magical moment. I finally hit play and repeat on “Hard to Sleep” by Gracie Abrams. The melancholy tone and simple piano melody soothe my chaotic thoughts.

I prop my legs up on the wall above my bed and lay back with my eyes closed. I’m trying to nail down the emotions that I’m experiencing, but nothing is making sense.

I open my eyes as the word hits me.

Startled.

That feeling when something jumps out at you that you aren’t expecting—you’re not exactly afraid, but your whole body reacts and your heart starts pounding .

Mateo voicing his feelings for me has me experiencing that same sensation. I still feel that heart-thumping adrenaline rush pulsing through my veins. My fingers start playing along with the music on my bedspread next to me, trying to calm my mind down.

How could Mateo have been paying such close attention and I never noticed? Why have I never noticed him like that? How could he have liked me for years and I had no idea?

The song is on its third loop when Teegan and Amaya come through the door together, arguing about the theme for the homecoming float. They take one look at me on the bed and quickly close the door.

“Okay, what happened that’s got you listening to your stormy mind music, Lana?” Amaya immediately asks as she takes a seat at her desk chair. “Is it time for a throat punch?”

Teegan moves my hair out of the way and sits down next to my head on the bed. She taps the button to illuminate my phone screen. “Yep, you’re on loop—spill it, LaLa,” Teegan adds, pausing the music and tossing my phone back down.

I take a deep breath in through my nose and blow it out my mouth.

“It was a date.”

“‘Scuse me?” Amaya asks.

“With Mateo. It was a date,” I repeat, sitting up on the bed to face them. “Or at least, that’s what he intended. Mateo Alvarez likes me and wants to take me on an official date.”

Teegan literally screams.

I can’t help but laugh, despite my jumbled mental state. “Please stop screaming Teegs, I’d rather not alert our entire sorority house.”

“What are you talking about?!” Teegan exclaims. “Mateo Alvarez likes you, and you don’t want to declare that for the whole campus to hear?”

“Calm down Teeg,” Amaya says, throwing a pen at her. “Back up, Lana, you’ve gotta give us the whole context of this. No detail left unshared.”

I walk back through my entire interaction with Mateo, interrupted frequently by Teegan wanting to know what his facial expression looked like or what I was thinking at any given moment. When I get to the part where he spouted off an absurdly detailed list of observations about me, Teegan sighs “Awww!” as Amaya exclaims, “Shut up!”

I wrap up the story with his earnest request to give him a chance on a real date, and my affirmative answer. Teegan catapults herself at me in a huge hug as Amaya sits back and says, “Well, can’t say I was expecting that.”

“I know, right?!” I exclaim from around Teegan’s head. She releases me and grabs my shoulders.

“Lana, this is the biggest news of our lives,” she says solemnly.

I put my hands on her shoulders and reply, “Teegan, it is definitely not, but I appreciate your enthusiastic support.”

“So how are you feeling, Beef?” Amaya asks. “I mean, you had your pensive, moody music looping when we arrived, but now that you’ve rehashed it all, how do you feel?”

I take a moment to really think about it.

“Bewildered, I guess? Like I literally don’t know what to think,” I say with a shrug. “I don’t know, I went to bed last night trying to reconcile my longstanding crush on Aaron with my frustration at his dodginess. Now, I just feel really confused by how caught off guard I am. I mean, never in a thousand years did I see that coming. How could Mateo have liked me this long and I had no clue? How have I not paid more attention to know half as much about him as he does about me?”

Amaya and Teegan share a look. I motion my finger between them and say, “Whoa, what does that mean? What’s this look?”

“Lana, you’ve been completely obsessed with Aaron ever since the beginning of sophomore year,” Amaya states with a raised eyebrow.

“Hey! That’s not fair,” I interject, feeling defensive.

“What Amaya means to say,” Teegan jumps in, “is that maybe you didn’t notice anything about Mateo because your attention was always on Aaron. And I’m not saying we aren’t partially at fault for that,” Teegan quickly adds. Placing an arm around my shoulders, she leans her head against mine. “All three of us were constantly analyzing your interactions with Aaron and trying to predict when he was going to make an official move. We were obsessed on your behalf.”

“So basically all this time, Mateo has been paying attention to me, but I’ve been totally ignoring him because all I could see was Aaron.” I recap, and Teegan shrugs. I sigh. “Wow, that makes me feel like a jerk.”

“You are not a jerk,” Amaya says, reaching over to put her hand on mine. “Clearly Mateo doesn’t think you’re a jerk, or he wouldn’t have asked you out. Maybe going on a date with Mateo will be a good thing for your heart.”

I bite my lip. “If I’m honest, I feel nervous letting myself even consider dating Mateo. It really felt like Aaron was about to make a move forward in our relationship, I mean, aside from his confusing behavior yesterday. I thought it could be the breaking point for my crush, but dating Mateo makes it seem much more officially broken.”

Amaya looks like she’s formulating her words carefully. She’s a straight-shooter, and I’m slightly afraid to hear what she’s about to say. “Maybe it’s time to loosen up on your…preoccupation with Aaron. I mean, this isn’t the first time we’ve thought he was on the brink of asking you out.”

“Yeah, LaLa, there have been a lot of times over the past two years that Aaron gave all these hints without doing anything concrete,” Teegan jumps in. “I think you should give Mateo a real chance,” she concludes decisively.

I nudge against her and say, “You’re just saying that because you think he’s hot.”

“I’m not NOT saying that because I think he’s totally hot. But I’m mostly saying it because he seems like a great guy who’s treating you well. So he deserves a shot,” Teegan concludes. “What if he’s the squirrel?”

Amaya looks at Teegan like she’s grown a third eye. “Don’t bother,” I say, holding up a hand.

“You said yes to a date, but that doesn’t lock you in forever, or lock Aaron out forever. When are you going out with Mateo?” Amaya redirects.

“He said he would text me later tonight to make a plan after checking his practice schedule for the week,” I answer. “I feel like I won’t be able to concentrate on anything this week until after our date. I’m going to be overanalyzing everything!” I groan and flop back on my bed.

Amaya pulls me up by the wrists and says, “Nu-uh, we’ve done enough overanalyzing with what’s-his-name over the past two years.”

I roll my eyes at her.

“That’s right,” Teegan says, standing up. “We are going to go for a walk around campus and talk about anything and everything except boys.”

“This would be a perfect time to get a head start on homecoming planning,” Amaya suggests. Teegan and I both roll our eyes now, but we also both know that’s exactly what we’ll talk about.

As promised, Mateo texts me later that night.

Our date will be Friday evening. They have an away game on Saturday, so practice will end by 5:00 Friday. He’s picking me up from AOPi at 6:30.

I am freaking out. All night long, I unsuccessfully try to fall asleep, as I keep replaying my two conversations with Mateo this weekend, along with mentally picking back through all of my numerous interactions with Aaron over the past few years.

When the clock rolls to 6:00 a.m., I give up. I quietly get out of bed and put on a fresh t-shirt and shorts in the dark. I stuff my journal and Bible into a small tote and sneak out of the room. I have a feeling my brain won’t let up on me until I untangle my thoughts in writing, and I may as well do it while enjoying coffee and a quiet atmosphere.

I can’t bring myself to go back to Bookafe today, so I drive to Raelynn’s, my second favorite coffee shop in Brooklyn. They have a giant coffee roaster in the shop, so it always smells like heaven, and their drip coffee is the best in town.

I order a bottomless mug and fill it up for the first of many times, adding a splash of half-and-half. Which sends my mind back to Mateo’s long list of observations yesterday. I find a seat at a table in the corner and put in my ear buds. Hitting play on Spotify’s Maverick City Music Radio playlist, I pull my journal and Bible out of my bag.

Before I start spilling all of my confusion out onto paper, I need to center my thoughts on God, to ask him for help understanding what I’m feeling. I open up to one of my favorite Psalms.

Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock. My refuge is in God. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before him. God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8.

I take a deep breath and then open my leather journal, which was a gift from my mom for my birthday last month. Sometimes I write down my thoughts about a verse I read, sometimes I write down what I’m praying, and other times my thoughts just come flooding out of my pen onto the pages, which is precisely what happens now.

I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. Aaron has been my crush for so long. I’ve talked with him so often over the past two years, admired him, laughed at his jokes, even danced with him at homecoming showcase. My crush on Aaron has been a central feature of my college experience.

I pause from writing to drink my coffee and think for a minute.

I’m almost afraid to not like Aaron. I’m comfortable liking him. My senses are tuned to find him in a room, I’ve learned to pick up on his subtle compliments and flirting. I’ve mastered the art of sending him signals that I like him without coming out and saying it. And…I know he could fit with my future .

I sigh.

I’ve also cried several times over the years because I thought he was going to say something about our relationship but never did. I’d get my hopes up only to end up let down. I came into this year with incredibly high expectations of something finally happening between us now that we’re seniors. And I just don’t know. On the one hand, Aaron does still seem to be giving me signals that he’s interested in me. But he also had a perfect opportunity at Lake Games and didn’t take it. What if my hopes for Aaron get let down yet again, and meanwhile I miss out on something different with Mateo?

I drain what’s left of my coffee and get up to refill. I need more caffeine before writing another word about Mateo. Settling back into my seat, I pick up my pen and stare at the page. Where to start?

I’ve never been more surprised by anything in my life than by what Mateo said to me. Not just that he told me he liked me — but the way he told me he liked me. All the evidence he presented of his feelings. That was not a small amount of evidence!! The fact that he has been paying close enough attention to know so much about me is still blowing my mind.

I pause again and try to think back on the past few years of my friendship with Mateo. We were on the student leadership team with Arrow starting sophomore year, so was he noticing things about me already then? Has he really liked me that long without letting on?

We were both group leaders at the Summer Project after sophomore year. I was so dialed in to Aaron that summer, mentally noting his every move and comment in meetings, attempting to nonchalantly sit near to him as often as wasn’t obvious. Aaron kept giving me a string of hints that he was interested in dating, so I was convinced heading into junior year that we would become official at some point. But was I getting in my own way of noticing other guys around me because I was too intensely focused on Aaron?

Mateo mentioned breakfast duty that summer, and I suddenly remember that he was the other volunteer one of the mornings. Amaya and I signed up together for Thursdays, but when they still needed another leader to help on Tuesdays, I offered to do it. Mateo and I spent an hour together every Tuesday morning, brewing carafes of coffee and getting breakfast ready for all the participants before everyone left for work. And yes, I always had music playing from my phone. I’d forgotten all the conversations we had that summer about our small groups, the Bible study, the people we met at our jobs.

Another memory hits—we carpooled to work every day that summer along with two other leaders. Mateo worked at a different retail store in the same outlet mall as I did. All that time, I enjoyed our casual friendship, but I was too busy thinking about Aaron to mentally catalog my interactions with Mateo. And I had zero clue that he saw me as anything more. Can I see him as something more?

I pick my pen back up.

Maybe I could like Mateo? It’s hard to picture liking someone else other than Aaron. I feel like I don’t know Mateo well enough to know if I could LIKE him like him. Then again, that’s my own fault because I’ve been so obsessed with Aaron (I’m not going to admit to Amaya that I used the word obsessed). Mateo proved that we’ve interacted enough over the years for him to know me, so I just haven’t paid enough attention to know him. But now I have a chance — he’s asking me for a chance for me to get to know him. It would be dumb not to take that chance, right?

What if taking that chance with Mateo doesn’t work out, but it does drive Aaron away? What if I can’t break out of my mindset of liking Aaron enough to give Mateo a real shot? What if Mateo changes his mind? Or what if his future isn’t compatible with mine??

Similar panicked thoughts continue to appear on the pages of my journal until my hand is cramped. I flip back through the pages I’ve written, quickly scanning my thought dump for high points that will tell me what to do. But everything is too confused and all over the place to be much help.

I close my eyes and think back over the weekend. Mateo stepping in to be my partner at Lake Games when I was feeling the sting of Aaron’s rejection. Not to mention him getting into a kayak with me when he is literally terrified of deep water.

I think about his eyes at Bookafe yesterday. The warmth when he smiled as he told me all of my own favorite things, the hint of fear when he was awaiting my response to his date request. The relief that flooded into them when I said yes.

Calm settles over me as I realize that even if I have no idea how things are going to turn out, at least I know the next step. Going on a date with Mateo is the right move, especially doing so with an open mind. Or open heart, I guess you could say.

I suppose I’ll figure the rest out later.