Love and Other Goals (Love and Other #1)

Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

M y “ que sera sera ” attitude lasts exactly two days.

I’m lazily scrolling Instagram as I eat breakfast before class Monday morning when I notice a reel from the #ucdavisschooloflaw hashtag I follow. It’s a girl crying and screaming with excitement over being accepted into their early admittance program.

Which means acceptances are starting to go out already. I log in to the website to check my status, but there’s no update. Still pending.

I’ve lost my appetite now, so I throw away the other half of my bagel and trudge upstairs to get my backpack and walk to class early. Maybe a few extra steps among the fall colors will lighten my mood.

Except it’s raining when I walk out the side door. Of course it is. Today is the perfect bad-mood cliché.

Putting in an earbud, I queue up my Moody Mellow playlist and grab an umbrella from the basket by the door to walk to campus. Halfway there, my phone rings with a FaceTime notification from Mateo, but I’m too busy wallowing in self-doubt and anxious thoughts to answer. A text pings through a few seconds later, but I don’t pause to read it .

What if I don’t get in? What if I’ve planned everything about my life the past six years to get into UC Davis and then they don’t want me? What if no law school wants me? What didn’t they like about my essay? Were my reference letters not effusive enough? Should I have done something different during college to better round out my résumé?

My mind plagues me with a looping stream-of-consciousness parade of negativity. Even air-playing the piano along with Gracie is doing nothing to calm my thoughts. I arrive early to class and take a seat at the back of the empty room. My professor isn’t even here yet. I try to take some deep breaths and blink back the sting behind my eyes.

Eventually, I read my text from Mateo.

Mateo

Morning, beautiful. Sorry if I interrupted something trying to FaceTime you. Just wanted to say hi before class since I won’t see you the next couple of days

I breathe out slowly through my nose. Mateo is just being sweet; he has no idea that I’m upset, or why. My fingers shake as I tap out a response.

Sorry I didn’t answer. Just not in the mood to talk today

Immediate dots.

Are you ok? Is something wrong??

Saw on Instagram this morning that UC Davis is starting to send out acceptances to the early admittance program. And I haven’t received one

Just panicking that they won’t accept me and the last six years of my life have been wasted preparing for something that won’t happen

Three dots appear and disappear multiple times before a text finally comes through a couple of minutes later.

They’d be crazy not to want you, Lana. Don’t get too worried. It probably takes a long time to get through all the applications. They still have a month to let you know the early admittance decision

I groan. Ugh, why’d he have to remind me that they have until the end of November to make a decision? I could be anxiously waiting for another full month.

Clicking off my phone, I lay my head down on the desk. My brain refuses to entertain logic or reason about this right now. Other students trickle in, and when our professor starts his lecture, I sit up and take the most detailed notes of my life. Furiously scribbling every word he says at least keeps my mind occupied.

I go to a kickboxing class at the rec with a couple of sorority sisters before lunch, followed by a long, burning-hot shower. By mid-afternoon, Amaya and Teegan are both back from class for the day.

“Slushies?” I ask pitifully when they walk in the room. They take one look at my wild, air-dried hair and splotchy face, and Teegan immediately grabs her car keys.

Amaya narrows her eyes. “Did Aaron do something?” I shake my head. “Bailey?” Another shake. Amaya’s eyes flash with angry concern. “Hold up, Mateo didn’t do something, did he??”

“No, no, it’s not Mateo,” I finally respond as my chin starts quivering. “It’s…it’s UC Davis.”

Teegan gasps. “They didn’t reject your application, did they?!”

“No, it’s still pending. But they accepted someone else!” I moan as I burst into tears.

Three large slushies in hand, Amaya and Teegan listen to me vent all of my panicked thoughts and fears about potential rejection. They wallow with me over sugar and distract me enough to calm my mind a bit. Teegan attempts to cheer me up by doing my hair and makeup before dinner. But as soon as I’m alone, my mind starts spiraling into anxious thoughts again. I probably should have taken them up on their offer to join in a game night several Arrow students were hosting, but I just didn’t feel like socializing.

Sitting in bed, I start scrolling through suggested reels on Instagram, trying to divert my mind. A DM notification pops up that Aaron sent me a message. My heart rate spikes, but I open it and see it’s a reel of a Golden Retriever playing in a giant pile of leaves.

Aaron

Reminded me of you

I watch the reel on loop four times, giggling at the adorableness. Hopefully this is Aaron’s peace offering of being friends and not something more. I type back a short reply.

Thanks. I needed a smile, and this totally worked

Anything you need to talk about?

I stare at my phone screen for a minute before responding.

No, I’ll be ok. Thanks for asking though

Hoping that Aaron lets it go, I close out of Instagram. Who I’d really like to talk about it with is Mateo. I pull up his name in my text messages, frowning. I’m a little surprised that he didn’t try to call again today, or come see me, or at least text me again to check in when he knew I was upset.

It seems uncharacteristic of him when he’s always so thoughtful.

My thumb hovers over the call button by his name. I could just call him and talk to him about my day. But he knows that I had a bad morning, that I was upset. Shouldn’t he be calling me to check in? Why isn’t he?

This is the first time I’ve been upset or in a bad mood around him. What if he thinks I’m overreacting and doesn’t like it? What if he doesn’t like me anymore? Is he holding out to see if I’ll respond to him more rationally? Is that why he hasn’t said anything to me today—he’s waiting to see if I snap out of it?

Brow furrowed, I set my phone to the side and burrow into my blankets, pulling a pillow over my head. I just want this day to be over.

After a restless night, I wake up with a stormy mind.

I like feeling confident. I don’t like feeling like I don’t know what to do, or how something is going to turn out. I’ve been so positive about my detailed plan for my future for years now. Everything I did throughout my entire college life was with an assurance that I was checking off each step of the plan.

Being with Mateo shone a spotlight on how unsure I always was about Aaron’s feelings and intentions. I didn’t even recognize how insecure Aaron was making me feel until Mateo came along. He made me feel so certain of his feelings for me and the relationship we were building.

But with zero new texts or calls from him since I didn’t reply to his response yesterday, that confident feeling is faltering.

And I don’t like it.

I don’t have class until 10:30, but I’m wide awake and pacing the empty room at 7:00. Teegan and Amaya have early classes today, so I’m left to my own devices and identifying with Taylor’s panicked thoughts in “Anti-Hero.”

Throwing on an AOPi sweatshirt and boots over my joggers, I grab my keys and head to my car before I can change my mind. I drive to the house Mateo shares with three other teammates. When I see his truck still there, I park across the street and pull out my phone.

Are you home? Your truck is here

Can you come outside please ?

My hands shake as I stare at my phone, waiting for a reply. What if he doesn’t respond? What if he’s over me? What if I’ve put all of myself into this relationship and he doesn’t want it? What if I’ve put all of myself into my application for UC Davis and they don’t want me?

My breathing is shallow and my eyes stinging as I see the read notification pop up, followed by three bouncing dots.

Mateo

Coming

I exhale a shaky breath and get out of my car, pacing the sidewalk opposite of his house. A couple of minutes later, Mateo comes out the front door, eyes scanning until he sees me.

Dang it, why does he look so attractive this early in the morning ? I’m sure I look as crazed as I feel, which is not helping my already bottomed-out confidence as Mateo jogs over to me looking like a magazine cover.

He takes one look at my face and asks, “Lana, what’s wrong?” He reaches out to try to catch my hand as I’m pacing past him, but I slip free. My entire body is shaking with a combination of fear, adrenaline, and cold (should have worn a second sweatshirt).

I finally turn to face Mateo. “Did you decide you don’t like me when I’m not rational?” I ask, trying to force more confidence in my voice than I feel.

Mateo furrows his eyebrows. “Lana, what are you talking about?”

My chest is tight and my throat feels like it’s closing up. I shift my weight back and forth on my feet and furiously play a Concerto with my right hand as I spill out all of my thoughts. “You knew I was really upset yesterday morning, but you didn’t do anything to check on me throughout the day. You’ve only really seen me when I’m happy and poised and determined. Did you decide you don’t like me when I’m not?” My voice cracks on my final question, and I cross my arms and pinch above my elbow to stop myself from crying.

Mateo looks stunned and doesn’t respond right away. I feel my chin quivering as I stare at his face, so I pinch my arm even harder. This is it. He’s trying to decide how to tell me he’s changed his mind.

Finally, he licks his lips and speaks gently yet firmly. “Lana. Of course I still like you. I’m sorry, my brain is not fully awake and I’m slow processing all you said, and I’m just confused because I don’t know how you could ever doubt that I like you.” He reaches out a hand to touch my arm, but I take a step backward, losing my pinching battle as a tear slides down my cheek.

“Then why did you ignore me yesterday?” I barely whisper, not trusting my voice.

Mateo runs a hand through his hair and rubs his neck. “I’m sorry, Lana, I wasn’t trying to ignore you. I promise. Please can you believe that?” I sniff but don’t say anything, staring at my feet with unfocused eyes.

“I swear I wasn’t intentionally ignoring that you were upset. When you didn’t respond to my last text, I figured that you agreed with my logic. And then the day was just busy—I had a massive test yesterday afternoon, and Coach thought we were screwing around too much during our morning practice so he added an evening one, and then I had a long conversation with Shawn about what he thinks about God, so it was so late by the time I went to bed that I didn’t want to wake you up.

“I say all that not as an excuse—I did know you were upset, and I should have made it a priority to check on you because I care about you. But I tell you that just so you know that I really was busy and not just intentionally ignoring you,” Mateo says. This time when he reaches a hand out, I let him touch my shoulder. He puts both hands on my shoulders and bends down to make me look him in the eyes. The tears are actively spilling out of mine now.

Mateo pulls me tightly into his arms, whispering in my ear, “I’m sorry, Lana. I’m sorry I made you feel uncertain about us.” My face is buried in his chest, my hands clenched together behind him. He just holds me there as I cry, not saying anything else but just waiting for me .

“I’m terrified that UC Davis won’t want me, and you were being all rational and I didn’t want to be rational, I just wanted to be upset, and then I was afraid that you wouldn’t want me when I wasn’t rational and I was scared that I scared you away.” I’m rambling into his chest, muffled but just loud enough for him to hear.

He squeezes me tighter and then pulls back. Oops, that mascara I was too depressed to remove last night is now smudged all over Mateo’s shirt. He wipes tears off my cheeks and tilts my chin up. “Look in my eyes, Lana.” I blink and meet his gaze. “I’d never stop liking you because you have emotions. I like that you feel things so intensely. I’m sorry that I tried to be logical instead of just listening. This is probably not the last time I’ll screw that up. Actually, I can guarantee you that it’s not, because I’m always going to want to fix everything for you.”

He cups my face with both hands and says softly, “You can’t scare me away, Lana. I’ve liked you for over two years, and I’m not stopping now. You need to believe that.”

I nod and lean into his hand, closing my eyes for a second. “I’m sorry—I know I got too in my head and overly worked up and totally blindsided you. I should have just called you yesterday instead of assuming the worst.”

Mateo rubs his hands down my arms and takes both of my hands with a smirk. “Well, I blindsided you first at Bookafe, so now we’re even.”

A small laugh escapes my lips, which feels like an accomplishment after where my mind has been for the past twenty-four hours. I nod my head toward Mateo’s chest and say, “Sorry about your shirt.”

He glances down and chuckles. “I’ll never wash this shirt again.”

I let go of his hands and start wiping under my eyes with my hoodie sleeves. “I can only imagine how frightening my raccoon eyes look right now if there’s that much mascara on your shirt.”

Mateo takes my hands and kisses my knuckles. “You’re always beautiful, Lana. Always. ”

“Yo, Mateo,” Shawn’s voice pops our personal bubble. “Hate to interrupt, bro, but we gotta leave for practice in twenty.”

“Be right there,” Mateo calls over his shoulder. “Coach is still punishing us with more conditioning this morning. But I’ll call you later today, okay?”

I nod my head. Mateo tucks my hair behind my ear and looks at me with the sweetest smile. I’m crashing down the wave of emotional adrenaline I’ve been riding, so without thinking, I quickly lean up on my toes and kiss Mateo’s cheek. “Thanks for coming out. And for not leaving.”