Love and Other Goals (Love and Other #1)

Chapter 40

CHAPTER FORTY

M y rinse-and-repeat plan turns out to be effective but depressing.

Time at AOPi with Teegan and Amaya is my safe haven, my lifeline, my only bright spot over the next two weeks. They express their concern about how little I’m eating, how infrequently I’m washing my hair, how disengaged I am from anything outside of class or the sorority house. But aside from Teegan’s unacceptable suggestion of talking to Mateo to at least patch things over, they don’t have any alternative solutions to my pared down existence.

Rinse and repeat .

The stack of unread notes in my glove box grows each time I drive anywhere. It’s unfair that a pile of paper can weigh like a ton of bricks on your heart.

I mask my voice with optimism when I talk with my mom, focusing on my excitement about my upcoming year in D.C. and conversations I have with Elena, or our mutual encouragement with how well Dean is doing now. We just avoid acknowledging the role Mateo played in that storyline. Mom always reminds me that she’s praying for wisdom and peace for me, and I lie to myself that she only means about D.C. and not about any other aspect of my life.

It’s Friday, April 5, when my failsafe plan fails. I notice that Aaron is missing from Human Communications, which is a pleasant opportunity to participate in the class discussion for once. My guard is down, which is my fatal mistake.

I walk out of the building straight into Aaron. It’s a surprise ambush.

“Lana, you can try to walk away, but we have to talk,” he insists as I skirt my way around him. He matches my pace, and I seriously consider making a run for it.

“Look, you have to listen to what I have to say this one time, and then I will never talk to you again, okay?” he says as he steps in front of me to block my path.

I audibly groan my frustration, but stop walking. I cross my arms and put on my best if-looks-could-kill expression, silently waiting for him to speak.

“Lana, I’m sorry. I’m really, truly sorry for how terrible I was to you,” Aaron begins. “I never had any right to your affection because I never made a clear move to ask you out. And I never should have tried to sabotage your relationship with Mateo, which is exactly what I did.”

Shocked by his honesty and apology, I allow my expression to soften slightly but remain silent.

“Maybe Mateo should have told you about the soccer opportunity sooner, but maybe he had valid reasons he didn’t. Either way, it wasn’t my place to tell you, especially since I was motivated to tell you because I hoped you would break up and I’d have another shot. I’ve talked about it—a lot—with Kent, and I know how wrong I was. I’m not even going to try to give you excuses because it was inexcusable. I’m genuinely sorry for the pain it’s caused you. And Mateo.” He pauses, searching my face for any kind of response.

I finally relent. “Thank you for apologizing so honestly. I…I do forgive you, even if I’m furious with you for doing it, and I still don’t want to be friends anymore.”

Aaron holds his hands up and shakes his head. “I have zero expectation of us being friends. You gave me that chance, and I screwed it up. I know I don’t deserve another chance, so I’ll leave you alone after today. But I did want to apologize.” I nod in response but cast my gaze down to the ground as he continues, “And…I did want to tell you that I also talked about it with Mateo.”

My eyes shoot daggers back up to his.

“I apologized to him too, asked for his forgiveness for getting in the way and driving a wedge between you two. The blame for you guys breaking up is all on me.”

I blow out a breath. “Aaron, I do appreciate you taking responsibility for your actions. But Mateo made his own choices and assumptions too.”

“I know, but…Lana, I really do think he’d go back in time and change things if he could. The guy is a total wreck. You both are. I told Mateo the biggest reason I regret everything I did is because I really do care about you. And I feel terrible that I did something that’s made you such a shell of yourself.”

Tears burn my eyes, but I try to blink them back. Aaron keeps a respectful distance, but there’s genuine concern on his face.

“I never thought I would be the one saying this, but I think you need to talk to Mateo,” he says. “I don’t know if you can fix things or not, but at least talk. Blame all this on me, not on him. Because you deserve to not be miserable. You deserve to be the confident, joyful woman that you were before I wrecked things between you two.”

I clear my throat but still don’t trust my brain or my vocal cords to respond.

“Please just tell me you’ll think about it?” Aaron pleads. “I swear this is the last time I’ll try to talk to you, Lana. I really am sorry—sorry that I ruined our friendship on top of everything. Just…think about what I’ve said, okay?”

I nod and whisper, “I will.”

Aaron nods back, then takes a few steps toward me. He slows as he walks past me, his voice low when he says, “Goodbye, Lana.”

“Goodbye.”