Love in the Shadows

23.

FABIENNE RETURNED FROM TOWN and parked the van outside the cottage and entered through the front door.

Something felt wrong.

She went through to the kitchen. The back door was open. She had told Nancy to stay indoors, and Nancy wouldn’t disobey her. She shouted to her cousin and when she received no response, the air seemed to leave her lungs.

She froze at the hard-sounding footsteps on the stairs, then the officer appeared in the kitchen doorway. She stared at him, his face registering. It was the lieutenant who had been at the dairy, the intense one whose dedication to duty was impeccable. “What are you doing in my house?”

He clicked his heels and bowed his head slightly. “Fraulein Brun, I am sorry to intrude. I was simply doing my duty.”

Adrenaline flowed through her like a raging river, and she tried not to show her irritation. What had he found? Where were Nancy and Esther Rosenblatt? “And how does your duty involve my house?”

He grinned. “Frau Neumann gave me orders to check outside. I take those orders seriously, which is to be expected.” He looked around the kitchen. “You have a nice cottage. If there hadn’t been a room in the house, I would have liked to have billeted here. Maybe I’ll talk to Frau Neumann about that.” He nodded as if seriously considering the option.

Fabienne inhaled deeply and clamped her jaw shut to stop herself from saying something she might regret. Antagonising him could encourage him to pursue what she hoped was an idle threat to put her in her place. At least he didn’t appear to lead with his fists or his boot, like Müller.

“It’s bigger than I imagined from the outside,” he said. “And yet it’s also what you might call cosy. It reminds me of my grandfather’s cottage. When I was a child, I used to go there at the weekends and fish with him in the river.” He sighed and shook his head, reminiscing.

“Are you finished, Herr Schmidt? Frau Neumann is expecting me, and I would like to lock the door when I leave.”

She had to find out what had happened to Nancy and Esther, but she couldn’t ask him if he had seen her cousin – that would beg the question of where she was now, and she did not need him helping to find her.

“Yes, I believe all is in order. There is a strange smell in one of the bedrooms. You might want to check it.” He clicked his heels and exited through the kitchen door.

The blood rushed to Fabienne’s head. She took a deep breath and went upstairs to search the rooms. Finding no one, she went out the back door and looked out across the fields, checking along the treeline as far as she could see. The obvious place for them to go would be the cow shed on the far boundary. She watched Schmidt until he entered the house across the yard, then started walking around the edge of the field.

Halfway to the shed, she heard her name whispered. Nancy was sitting at the base of a tree just inside the woods. Next to her, Esther leaned against the trunk, her breathing laboured. A rumbling sound came from her chest with every strained breath. She stared at Fabienne with wide pleading eyes and Nancy started to cry.

“Hey, Nancy. You did a great job.” Fabienne put her arm around her cousin’s trembling body and tugged her close, kissed her head.

“I was looking out the window for Cleo and saw him coming,” she sobbed. “And…and I woke Esther and…and I told her we had to…to run. So, we ran, Fabienne. We ran as fast as we could and…and hid.”

“It’s all my fault,” Esther said. She coughed. “I shouldn’t be here.” She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Blood stained her skin.

“You cannot blame yourself,” Fabienne said. She took Esther’s hand and squeezed. Later, she would check how she was feeling and tell her about the plan to get her to safety. She was still very sick, and having to run had taken everything she had in her, perhaps more.

Fabienne wiped the tears from Nancy’s cheeks. “You did the right thing. Shh, now, everything will be okay. He was just doing a check for Frau Neumann.”

Nancy sniffled. “But she’s nice. Why would she check our house?”

Fabienne couldn’t believe that Johanna would order him to search the cottage, that didn’t make sense. But she had to find out what Johanna had said so she could understand what had gone wrong. Slip-ups like that would cost them. They had been lucky that Nancy had seen him coming. If she hadn’t, they wouldn’t be here now. “I don’t know. I think Lieutenant Schmidt decided.”

Nancy wrapped her arms around Fabienne and squeezed her. “Can you stay with us? I’m scared.”

Esther stroked Nancy’s arm. “We can keep each other company,” she said, through staggered breaths.

Fabienne tugged Nancy to her feet. “I will try and get away from work early, or get Mamie sent home.” She helped Esther to stand, and slowly they made their way back to the cottage, Esther coughing every few paces.

***

Johanna had made a list in her head of the items she would ask Gerhard to requisition: cheese, more chocolate, and whatever tinned foods were available. She would have to ask for one or two things every so often and move a little bit at a time, so as not to arouse his suspicions. If he asked questions, she would tell him she was just making sure they had supplies for when he next needed to host important guests. Hopefully he would lose interest and not question her too deeply.

Fabienne’s grandmother had watched her taking the three tins of fruit preserve, a jar of pickles, and half the bag of sugar they had into the wine cellar. Not a word had passed between them.

Johanna remembered the two bars of chocolate left from Christmas that she’d been saving for another special occasion. She ran to her bedroom to fetch them and put them in the cellar. She checked the rat trap and sprung the trap. For all that she detested vermin, she’d seen enough death to last a lifetime. As she started back across the cellar, Fabienne came down the stairs. Johanna flustered as heat flowed to her cheeks. It was difficult to discern Fabienne’s demeanour in the dim light, but she appeared tense.

“Is everything okay?”

Fabienne came to her and stared at her intently. “Did you send Schmidt to search the cottage?”

Johanna’s heart plummeted. “Oh my God, no. I would never do that. What happened?”

Fabienne raised her eyebrows, released a long breath, and rolled her eyes. “He was in the house when I got back. You ordered him to do a search, he said.”

Johanna covered her face with her hand. “Fuck. Did he—” She couldn’t say the words. Her irritation with herself was surpassed by the guilt that had led her to send him outside. Tears formed at the back of her eyes, though not through sadness so much as the frustration and feeling of inadequacy.

“Fortunately Nancy saw him, and they hid.”

“Thank God. I am so sorry. I told him to search the perimeter and fix the gutter. I didn’t tell him to go anywhere near your place.” She looked for some form of acknowledgement from Fabienne, forgiveness even. “I know, it was stupid to send him outside. He caught me snooping in Gerhard’s bedroom.”

Fabienne tilted her head, frowned.

“He receives telegrams all the time. I was hoping I might be able to find something to help you: information or details.”

Fabienne stepped closer, making it hard for Johanna to focus. “And did you find anything?”

Fabienne smelled of fresh air, pine, and Johanna couldn’t stop staring at her full lips. She trembled inside and clasped her hands together to conceal her nervousness. “Um, yes. It’s not much. There was one that said Operation Dijon, 2nd June, 21:00 hours. Do you know what that means?”

Johanna was sure she saw lust in Fabienne’s intense stare. Her cheeks had more colour, and her lips seemed to quiver very subtly. Johanna couldn’t hold back. Driven by a force over which she had no control, she leaned forward and kissed her. Then, realisation struck equally as powerfully and she darted backwards, shocked, and suddenly unsure.

Fabienne came to her and pressed her lips to Johanna’s tenderly. Fabienne touched her cheek and held her head as she deepened the kiss. Johanna drew Fabienne to her, melted at the touch of Fabienne’s tongue, the taste of her, the strength and softness that caressed her heart. She was rising, then falling, lost in the sensations, alive, flying and not wanting to land. Fabienne touched her breast and her nipple, and arousal spiked so fiercely she thought she might cry out. She moaned softly and kissed Fabienne harder.

Too soon and suddenly, Fabienne stopped kissing her, took her hands and stared into her eyes. The longing, the unanswered questions, the reasons that should keep them apart, and the unknown that would determine their fate, remained unspoken. Neither wanted to admit that they were wrong to want each other as they did.

But if the war had taught Johanna anything, it was that life was too short. “I want you,” she said. She leaned her head against Fabienne’s chest, felt her racing heart, enjoyed the warmth of her against her cheek, and allowed herself to dream of a future where they would be together.

“You need to be careful,” Fabienne said.

Johanna eased back, traced the line of Fabienne’s jaw with her fingertip. “With us?”

She couldn’t think about the reality, the difficulties they faced. She was a married German woman, and Fabienne was a French Resistance fighter. They were enemies, their countries were at war, and that was before considering that a relationship between them was not deemed appropriate. Was Johanna deceiving herself? What she wanted wasn’t even possible.

Fabienne shook her head, and her lips curled up a fraction. “That too, but with Schmidt.” She kissed Johanna again, reviving the dream, invigorating her hopes, and Johanna was determined not to let go of what they had without a fight. “Schmidt presents a different kind of danger to Müller. He uses his head rather than muscle.”

Johanna touched Fabienne’s arm gently. “Is it healing well?”

Fabienne twitched, not quite a wince but Johanna could tell she was still bothered by the wound.

“It’s fine,” Fabienne said. “You need to listen to me, about Schmidt.”

“You’re a lousy liar. Just make sure it doesn’t get infected.” Johanna wanted to remove Fabienne’s jacket, her shirt, and feel her soft, warm skin. “I can have Schmidt moved and get someone else in. Müller seems to be a bit better today, but he’s very weak after the illness and not always lucid. It will be a few days at least before he can get back to work.” Fabienne gritted her teeth. “What is it?”

Fabienne shook her head. “Nothing. It’s fine. Leave Schmidt where he is. He is meticulous, but I think he can also be manipulated if the offer is right, and he is going to be here longer than you think.”

Johanna frowned. “You’re keeping things from me.”

Fabienne smiled. “Yes. But you will find out soon enough. The less you know—”

“The better. Yes, you told me.” Johanna indicated to the shelves. “I’ve started storing food, as you asked.”

Fabienne kissed her. “Thank you. We are going to need more food and any information you hear from your husband. Be careful. If you get caught…” She sighed. “There is something I must talk to you about, at another time.” She stroked Johanna’s cheek. “You are beautiful.”

Johanna smiled at how adept Fabienne was, talking about work and paying her a compliment in the same moment. She would have liked to spend time alone with Fabienne without any conversation, to get to know every part of her. “I know all the objections to us being together, Fabienne. But I can’t not…”

Fabienne stared at her with such intensity, Johanna melted. “Not, what?”

“Love you.” Johanna said. She was shaking from the inside out. She hadn’t felt like this before, and she couldn’t make sense of it now. It was frightening, exciting and all-consuming. She’d never felt more alive than in Fabienne’s arms, with Fabienne kissing her.

Fabienne gave her a thin-lipped smile that left her feeling like a child who’d been chastised, then she looked away. “Love is dangerous, Johanna.”

She turned Fabienne to face her, waited until Fabienne looked at her. “You should be more afraid of the alternative. Without love, we are the worst kind of animals. Surely the war has taught you that.”

Fabienne didn’t respond.

Sometimes she could appear younger than Johanna believed her to be. She was usually so self-assured and driven, the arrogance of youth maybe, but Johanna had seen the softer, sensitive side of her, and the wisdom that came with experience. Fabienne had seen things beyond her years, as they all had. But there was a part of Fabienne that needed to feel loved as much as Johanna did, Johanna was sure of it.

“You think love is weak. You are wrong. It’s a bond so strong that it cannot be broken. I would do anything for you, to save you. Anything.”

Fabienne looked away. “And when you lose me, or I lose you, what then?”

Johanna tilted her head to the side and waited until Fabienne looked at her. “Then, I will be happy to have had the chance to love you. Can we truly know love without loss?”

Fabienne shook her head.

Johanna started up the stairs, leaving her to ponder, or do whatever else she wanted, more than a little aggrieved that Fabienne hadn’t responded with an admission of love for Johanna.