46. Yasmeena
The question about my surgery threw me for a loop and I froze. I never freeze when it comes to anything but that wasn’t something I wanted out to the public. While Enrique was able to cover it up, the mention of having children or preparing to, didn’t make it any better, it made it worse. The only thing I could do right after was practically walk as fast as I could to the bathroom.
Thankfully, it’s a one person bathroom and no one is going to barge in on me. I make it to the toilet in time to throw up every single thing I had this morning. After a moment of dry heaving, I’m able to stand.
I’m not throwing up because of my cancer or the side effects to the medication, it’s just the reaction to the question. My mother used to hate it when I did that. If there was a question that triggered something, I wouldn’t simply answer it, I’d freeze up and go vomit it out. I take a deep breath as I walk over to the sink area that seems to have every necessary thing like unopened single use toothbrushes, toothpaste and even mouthwash. It makes me wonder how many people this happens to.
My hands are still shaking after I’m done with everything and I know it's my nerves but I can’t shake it off so easily this time maybe because I know how close the surgery is and that I’ve accepted my reality. What I wanted was a dream that can’t be accomplished. Even if the surgery lowers the risk, it doesn’t change that it might never happen. I never thought about getting married twice in order to achieve the same goal.
When I walk out, I see Enrique down the hall.
“We both need to change.” I don’t know where he is with his anger or frustration from earlier so I keep the same distance we had before the interview when we reach the dressing room.
“Are you feeling okay?” he asks me once we're alone.
“I’m fine.” I take a deep breath and realize just like putting it on, I need someone to unzip me. “Unzip me, please.”
“Ok,” he agrees and moves behind me to unzip my dress.
“Thanks.” It’s quiet while we undress and as I sit on the couch to remove the boots, I let him know. “What he asked is true. I am having major surgery… tomorrow.”
“Why? I thought you didn't want it.”
“Because my reality is this. You leaving for a month made me figure things out. You’d get what you want and need. I’d get the surgery, figure out my cancer and work. I thought about remarrying after our divorce obviously I’d wait but what’s the point in getting married again?”
“If you actually knew anything about what I want or need, you wouldn't say the shit you do.”
“I don’t know what you want or need, Enrique.”
“So stop making decisions for me. Like you said I'm a person not a toy.”
“What decisions did I make for you? The divorce? You made that yourself.” I stand, walking over to where my earlier outfit was left for me; a white tennis skirt, a bralette and an oversized dress shirt.
“When did I call a lawyer to draft paperwork? When did I get Jeeves to hand you such a personal item. When did I ask you for a divorce? That was all you. All I did was take a fucking break. If I were still CFO would you have tried to fire me as well?”
I shake my head as I put my skirt on. “Then you say you’re taking a fucking break. You don’t just disappear because for me, disappearing means you’re done. And why would I fire you? If you were my CFO, I would’ve asked why you didn’t say anything and if you were my CFO, you wouldn’t have just left like you did, would you?”
“And you don't see the issue with that? You would check on your CFO and not your husband. If I did the same thing as the CFO you would have tried to call at least once.”
“So you wanted me to call you? When someone leaves like that, they don’t want to hear from you and while things process differently for me, I’m not an idiot, Enrique. You were upset with something I did but that wasn’t the biggest reason and I understand. Hearing from me wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“You walked away first in the middle of a disagreement. Dismissed me again when I've already told you not to do that. Think about this, Yasmeena. You and I put the exact same effort in our relationship this past month and only one of us was holding divorce papers.”
“I did think about this. The month you took your break, I thought about it all. Maybe I wanted something I don’t deserve to have. I took too much time away from even getting pregnant and you… Your ex or Emily, cannot fail to remind me that somehow I am part of the reason your relationship shifted and while, yes, I know I am not part of that, it doesn’t change that you two are in love with each other. It’s a constant reminder from her and that’s fine. Did you ever think about what I would interpret as you being gone for a month without saying anything? If I'm wrong for not contacting you, it isn’t like you let me know you were fine or coming back. I didn’t even think you were going to show up for this whole thing today. I started getting used to dealing with my pain alone and figuring out what to do when it’s too much. How to get people to just leave me be for that second of pain and even around my family, I figured it out, alone so I realized maybe I need to let you get back to where you need to be. Outside of your job of course, you’re my COO, I can’t let you go that easily.”
I slip on my oversized dress shirt tucking the front in and decide that the thigh-high boots will have to make do.
“I put in a month's vacation at work. You’d know the time frame from that. Yes, I could have considered letting you know I was okay, but since you’re detached I didn’t think it was necessary. I’m caught in a turf war between two women and at times neither of you listen to me. So yeah, I needed time away. We haven’t been married that long, Yasmeena. Everything you mentioned you were already doing alone. You’ve told me time and time again that my only purpose is to get you pregnant, yet you have this idea that you need to give me back to Emily. You have issues parting with your COO but you’re quick to discard me, the person. That is beyond frustrating.”
“What turf war? Emily is fighting with herself when it comes to me. I’m only letting you know these things because I believe you should know. Again, it’s your reputation, not mine but if you don’t care to hear it, I’ll deal with it between us, her and I. Yes, that was your purpose but now, I have an appointment tomorrow, so that kind of defeats it, right?” I shake my hands again because my nerves are still making my body react. I don’t know what it is but I can’t seem to relax like I did before. “Why is it that you want me to consider all of this and see things differently but you’re not understanding what I’m saying from my end?”
Enrique rubs his face like he seems to do a lot lately. He runs his hand through his hair as if he wants to pull it.
“Okay,” He nods while looking away. “Okay. Do it your way. Your mind is made up. Divorce me after we just told the world that we were solid. Have the surgery you don’t want.” He turns and walks towards the door. “And find another COO while you’re at it.”
In this moment, there’s something I’m supposed to do or say but it’s just another repeat of what I’m used to. Something that eventually was going to happen but has happened much earlier than it should have. Having someone walk away from me because I don’t understand them, is a repeat that happens over and over. It’s still something I’m figuring out with my therapist. This is something I definitely need to speak to her about because as much as I want to say okay to Enrique, I don’t say anything.
What am I supposed to say? Nothing I say will change a single thing. If someone wants to walk away, they will… no matter how you cry or beg.
My hands shake but I ball them in my lap trying to hide them from shaking again. I just need a minute to breathe.