Love Me Gently (Deer Creek #1)

Twenty-Three

Trina

But what if you did?

The question haunted me through the night. It came to me in dreams, where I ran through heavy thickets of brush and trees, lost in a forest. Every time I spun in a circle, a tiny glimmer of light sparked and faded and whenever I shifted, the light moved and disappeared making it difficult to find.

But it was there. Sparking. I woke drenched in sweat and filled with regret, but whatever that ridiculous thought was lingered.

It was that driving force that moved me straight to the shower, that urged me to get dressed and not crawl back into bed and rethink every miserable thought I constantly lived with. And it was that ridiculously naive question that guided my feet up the stairs straight to Cole’s kitchen.

His back had been to me, giving me a moment to drink him in. Something I definitely shouldn’t have been doing, but I couldn’t help myself.

He’d always been the best-looking guy in school, and that wasn’t my sole opinion because I’d once loved him. It was a fact, and every girl in the school and town knew it… and sure, two thousand people wasn’t much as far as the world went, but it was still fact. Even if the town had grown, I doubted that had changed.

He’d barely shown his surprise at my appearance and carried on like it was normal, and somehow, that had settled me quicker than if he had asked why I was there. Or if he started questioning me about last night. Why was I in his daughters’ bedroom? Did I want to go back to Jonathan?

The answer to the question was no. Absolutely not. I’d long since given up hope of leaving him though. With his money and connections he’d come get me. I was certain of it.

But what if….

There it was again. It kept jumping into my head, making me think, urgent almost in its need for an answer.

What if…

What if Jonathan didn’t care? What if Jonathan left me alone? What if Cole could protect me? What if I could leave Jonathan?

The questions kept coming, long after Cole left for work, leaving me alone with nothing to do other than wander.

I cleaned up his kitchen. I made my bed. And then I sat, phone cradled in my hand as it powered on.

Call someone. There was only one person I could talk to, and even then, it wasn’t like I’d ever memorized Valerie’s number. I’d programmed it into my phone and never looked twice.

But what if…

Cole wouldn’t leave me helpless and stranded. Sure, he said he’d call his mom, but it could be hours before she got here.

The screen on the phone lit up, and my finger hovered over the internet icon. I could find Kip. It’d be a risk, but no one had to know who I was when I asked for him. No…

Cole wouldn’t leave me helpless.

I hit the contacts icon instead and for the first time in weeks, a genuine smile stretched across my cheeks. A water drop hit the screen, and I brushed it away. Then my cheeks. This was crazy. So he was helpful and gave me phone numbers. I was being ridiculous.

Still, I couldn’t stop crying as I scrolled through the few numbers he must have programmed in. Ashley. Bridget. Cole. There were so many. He hadn’t given me just his mom’s number but his dad’s. My parents’ numbers. Even my sister was in there. I ignored them all as I sniffed back more tears and scrolled to the end, past Kip’s name all the way to Valerie’s.

I hesitated over the phone icon. I hit the message one instead.

Me: Hey it’s Katrina. Can you talk?

There. Now she’d know.

My phone rang almost immediately and more tears, bigger ones that burned my cheeks fell as I answered it.

“Hey.”

My voice shook and I couldn’t hold back my cries.

“What’s wrong?”

Valerie snapped. “Are you okay? Why are you crying?”

I sniffed, and it came out more like a snort and a laugh. Another laugh. That had to be two in a single day.

“I’m fine, I’m good. Or, well, I think?”

Another snort-laugh fell from me. Valerie called my name, quieter this time, and this time I flinched at it.

“Please. I can’t bear that name anymore.”

Odd because I’d snapped at Cole for not calling me it, but I liked the idea of this. Not being who I used to be. Not who Jonathan turned me into.

This time…today at least, I got to decide.

“Okay, honey,”

she muttered. “You’re really okay?”

I sniffed and looked around the room with its bare walls and television I had never turned on. The only life in the room were the pictures of Cole’s girls that as much as it hurt to see, I kept pulling out of the nightstand drawer and staring at.

“I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use to describe me right now.”

“But you’re safe, right? And getting better?”

That one took longer. Was I?

“Physically, I’m getting better, yeah.”

“Okay,”

she breathed out through a sigh. “That’s good, real good. And I’m glad you called. I’ve debated whether or not to call Cole, and I know he and Kip have talked, but you should know Jonathan’s mad. And I don’t want to scare you?—”

“How mad?”

“Well, he’s not going to the cops, and he’s been questioned more by them since the good ones don’t believe his story for a minute, so there’s some suspicion he did something with you. People who helped you get out are staying silent though, and no one really knows what happened so if Jonathan takes the fall, I’m not sure I care, but you should know he’s looking.”

It came as no surprise, but that didn’t help the fear. So much fear chilled my spine I jumped off my bed and rushed to the windows. I didn’t dare peek out, just yanked on the cord that tugged the blinds closed and darkened the room.

“He won’t let me go.”

“He’ll have to,”

Valerie quipped back. “That’s not his call to make. It’s yours, and there’s not a lot he can do when you’re there. You’re safe right? With Cole…he’s been okay?”

Another round of emotion flooded me. The way he’d looked at me that morning. The care in his eyes along with the pity every time I flinched from him. The fact he wasn’t backing down in trying to help. Or his honesty.

Safe wasn’t a word I’d used to describe the way I felt around him at all. But the danger alarms were definitely muted.

“He’ll come for me,”

I whispered. “I know he will. And I don’t want Cole to get hurt.”

I didn’t want him hurt because of me for Jonathan’s revenge.

“You know he will, too, Val. Especially with that stupid card I saved.”

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have saved it if you didn’t want that lifeline, as scary as it was. My advice?”

“You give crap advice,”

I muttered.

She did, most of the time. It usually ended up with me having one more drink than necessary. Her thinking a color would look good on me but it turned me into a clown.

“Shut up.”

She chuckled. “Listen to me and listen good. That man you’re with would walk through fire for you. He’d take everything Jonathan swung his way, no matter the danger he was in to keep you safe. We wouldn’t have let him go with you if Kip thought for a second he’d fall down on the job doing it. Take that lifeline you had the hope to reach for and hold on with all your might. I miss you like hell, but I’m super-duper proud of you. You deserve this chance.”

I wasn’t sure I deserved much of anything. But that stupid lingering question made me consider otherwise.

But what if…

“How’s Kip?”

I asked. “Jonathan doesn’t suspect you guys?”

“He does. He’s pissed and has shut Kip out on anything other than absolutely necessary, but Kip has feelers out for a new job, and he’s started working on ways to get Jonathan removed by the board. Don’t worry about us. We’ll take care of us, you take care of you, and when I can, I’ll visit, okay?”

I hadn’t realized how much I’d absolutely missed her until the thought of seeing her again was a possibility. “I keep freaking crying,”

I muttered as more tears fell and I sniffed and brushed them away.

“You’ve got years of holding it all in, my guess is it needs to come out so let it. Take a bath in your tears if you have to and let them wash away all the ugliness you’ve survived. But don’t forget that, Trina. You’ve survived. And now you have a chance of something new.”

“Okay, maybe you don’t suck at advice.”

She laughed into the phone. “Tell me about your hometown. You never talked about it much. You’ve ventured out yet? Seen anyone?”

“No, not really.”

I still told her about the drive Cole took me on. About the town as far as I could remember it, anyway. It’d changed and there was new growth all over. I told her about our talk, about not being ready to see really anyone else, and then I jumped on the bed when Bridget opened the door and popped her head in.

She waved and ducked out, same friendly smile that had more lines around the edges than I remembered.

When she was gone, I told Valerie I needed to go. “Cole’s mom is here.”

“Okay, but think of something for me?”

“What?”

“Your town is changing. It’s growing. That’s life. We change and we grow and sometimes we have to bury the rubble of what came before, but you can do that. You get to choose what you bury and how you grow and change from here, okay?”

I wasn’t sure my mountain of rubble, as she was implying, was possible to bury.

But what if…

“I get you,”

I told her instead.

“Good. Then chin up, friend. We’ll talk soon.”

Bridget Paxton had been as much of a mother to me as my own had been, minus putting me in timeouts and groundings that came with being a real parent.

Now that I knew she was there, I debated whether to even face her.

And now I’d asked Cole to invite her here? To spend time with me?

What was I thinking?

She’d also be patient. She knew what happened. She was keeping secrets from my own family and my mom had been her friend since they sat next to each other at a women’s Bible study way back when Mom and Dad had just gotten married and moved to town to take over the dying Baptist church. Not the easiest assignment for a new pastor from what I heard, especially with the town so small and people in the church so old, but somehow, from the time my parents moved to Deer Creek and by the time I left, the numbers in the congregation tripled and the ages slowly grew younger. Even the college kids who went to the small, private college nearby would cross the street to listen to my dad speak.

I’d heard the story so many times I could write it in my sleep.

So, I owed her, I guess? At least she deserved my politeness.

Inhaling a deep breath, I headed out of my room and up the stairs. Kitchen cupboards clunked closed and there was rattling of silverware, or someone digging through drawers and like this morning when I entered the kitchen, her back was to me as she dug through a drawer.

Mrs. Paxton had always worn dresses. I couldn’t remember a time seeing her in pants. They weren’t old-school matronly dresses, either, but they were cool. Usually sweater-like in the fall and winter, they always managed to look stylish and warm.

Apparently, nothing had changed, because her camel-colored dress floated around the tops of her feet. The long-sleeved arms were dolman-shaped, and she had a gold belt wrapped around her waist.

I cleared my throat, letting her know I was there and slid into the same stool I’d taken earlier.

Mrs. Paxton stood slowly, her dark brown hair now had slips of white and silver at the temples and her part. The rest of her was as pretty as ever. Her makeup, her skin, the curls in her hair and the way it shined. Time had aged her, but it had done it well. She had to be fifty-five by now, around there anyway, and only showed small signs of aging.

The smile she wore as her kind, shimmering blue eyes met mine was as sweet and joyful as it’d always been. “Hi there. Good to see you up on your feet.”

My fingers tapped on the counter. “Thanks, for um...well…helping.”

She blinked and pushed her glossy red lips to the side like she had a decision to make. It must not have taken long before she smiled again and gestured toward two reusable shopping bags on the counter. “I thought I’d do some baking today. Want to help?”

So we were going to ignore the fact she knew enough of my shame. The fact she must have seen me in the days when I barely woke and Dr. McElroy came frequently.

“I haven’t baked in a long time,”

I admitted. Whatever ingredients were in those bags might as well have been foreign substances. Jonathan insisted I cook dinner, but dessert was out of the question, at least for me. He’d sometimes come home with cookies or pie from a bakery, but the first time I reached for them after thinking he was joking they weren’t for me was a memory I never forgot after. “I’m not sure I know how anymore.”

My mom and Mrs. Paxton had frequently baked for the church. Pies, cookies, all sorts of things around the holidays. Sometimes we’d made cupcakes for weddings.

Mrs. Paxton’s look softened. “I’m quite certain there are things we never forget in our lives. Baking is one of them.”

I had a feeling she had a whole bunch more lessons than baking to imply in that, but I wasn’t delving too deep.

Not today.

Getting out of bed was enough.

But still…I could try.

“I’m not sure how much help I can be. But remind me? Please?”

“It’d be my pleasure.”

I figured that was for a whole lot more than baking, too.

“Thanks, Mrs. P.”

I blinked back tears.

Her eyes shined with her own, and she turned away and sniffed.

When she turned back, her watery eyes were gone, and her joyful expression was firmly in place.

“All right then,”

she said. “Let’s get baking.”