Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-One
Sofia saw Jack before he saw her, and somehow she felt like that gave her a head start. He would be the one caught off guard, and so she might be able to set the tone.
‘Aye aye, Captain, reporting for duty.’ She found herself saluting, the cringe registering both too soon for her to pull off the levity, and too late to stop. Her hand drifted back down to her side awkwardly. ‘I’m not sure why I said that,’ she said flatly. Jack’s look of bemusement irritated her slightly, but then again how else could he be expected to respond to the mortifying display he had just witnessed?
‘Well that makes two of us.’ He smirked at her, but she also caught a flash of him eyeing her up. ‘I see you remembered lunch this time and I have the scuba gear, so hopefully we can keep the improvisation to a minimum.’
It was strange. Sofia felt like she had stepped back in time. He was speaking to her with that same patronising tone he had used the first time they had been out together. It was as if that night had never happened.
She had to remind herself that that was her plan. ‘Friends,’ she had said. She supposed that the last day out must have been the closest they had ever come to ‘friends’ just before it had tipped over into something else, for her at least.
‘Well that is a shame isn’t it. You do so like to save the day – it’s hard when everything goes to plan.’ Sofia’s tone dripped with sarcasm.
Jack smiled, genuinely this time. ‘Ah yes, that’s more like it,’ he said with a level of enthusiasm that felt mocking. ‘Come on, Harlow, I need a hand getting her in the water.’ He handed her a rope and she held it limply.
‘I don’t really do this kind of boat stuff. What am I supposed to do with it?’ She held it up gingerly, looking bewildered.
‘Harlow, you can’t be caught saying things like “I don’t do boats” out loud. If the captain hears you, she’ll have you walk the plank. She’s a big believer in “all hands on deck” being literal.’
He started gathering the length of rope in his hand, winding it deftly around his elbow and forearm. He looked good, with his sleeves rolled up and the tendons pulsing in time with the looping of the rope. He was in his element. A flashback in her mind’s eye of those same arms clutching at her hips as he lost himself inside her. Sofia dragged herself back into the present. Turned out he was his hottest at the two extremes, completely in control and completely helpless. This was not the time for those kinds of thoughts. She looked down at her own arms and began to mimic Jack’s movements.
‘There you go. It’s easy once you get the hang of it,’ Jack said in what he must have thought was a genuinely encouraging voice.
Sofia rolled her eyes. ‘Yep, I think I can just about manage winding rope.’
‘Well, we’re pulleying her into the water next, so don’t get too cocky.’ Jack seemed to be enjoying himself. Compared to the placid, meek man she had tried to talk to at dinner last night, he was transformed. So much for her setting the tone.
She changed the subject. She was bored of the teacher-pupil dynamic he was trying to forge with all this rope business. ‘So are you actually imagining that Milly is going to go scuba diving?’
Jack had dropped the bundle of rope and was now fiddling with something that looked like a carabiner. Sofia did the same.
‘I mean, she said she wanted to...’ he paused, and let out a loud grunt as he pulled at something that looked like a clamp ‘...try it out...’ a snap and the rope around the pulley slackened suddenly ‘...on her preference sheet.’ Jack was panting ever so slightly from the effort.
Sofia scoffed. ‘Her preference sheet? I’ve been burned that way before.’
Jack looked up at her, his eyebrow raised and a hand resting on his hip. ‘You think you’ve got it all figured out, Harlow. A couple of weeks on a boat and you’re an expert in VIP neuroses?’
‘Not neuroses, just wishful thinking. Milly is a woman who has very strong ideas of the type of person she wants to be. They just don’t necessarily match up with who she actually is, or what she actually likes doing.’ Jack seemed to be listening intently; it was a bit unnerving.
‘She likes the idea of liking seafood, she likes the idea of going scuba diving, she also likes the aesthetics of it, but I’ll bet you...’ Sofia wasn’t sure what she wanted from Jack, but she suddenly felt the need to exhibit some of what made her a good yachtie, just as he had. Suddenly it came to her. ‘I’ll bet you a morning a week of dawn.’ She smiled triumphantly and held out her hand.
‘Only one a week?’ He was hesitant, his hand firmly in his pocket.
Sofia looked away, realising too late that she had walked herself into a trap. ‘I still want you to have time with your mum,’ she said quietly. She didn’t dare look at him. She had transgressed on the very terms she was trying to establish. This was not in the remit of ‘friendly and professional’ – it was a thing shared in an intimate past, and that’s where it should have stayed. They were supposed to be moving on.
They were both silent and then Jack cleared his throat. ‘Right, OK deal,’ was all he said, thrusting out his hand. Sofia shook it, and vowed silently to be more careful in future.
‘Everything is ready, so could you go and collect the guests? They were supposed to be here about ten minutes ago.’ Jack was all business again, checking his watch with a frown on his face.
‘Of course.’ She was grateful to leave that awkward exchange behind her. She trotted across the deck and was walking down the stairs when she heard furtive whispering. She stopped before she rounded the corner. It was Brian and Milly.
Milly sounded upset. ‘I just don’t think I can do it. It doesn’t seem right to be under the water like that, and then there’s all the fish.’ Her voice was agitated.
Sofia had to really strain to hear Brian’s response. His voice was measured but sympathetic, soft and comforting.
‘Babe, I know you, and I know that it seems scary right now, but I also know how pumped you’ll feel after, how bummed you’ll be if you miss out and how proud of yourself you’ll be.’
Milly sniffed in response. Sofia couldn’t see them but she imagined that he was holding her face in his hands, maybe stroking her cheek.
‘Will you hold my hand?’ She sounded like a little girl.
‘When I can, baby, I will always hold your hand.’ A rustle that sounded like a hug and then Brian’s voice was muffled, as if he was speaking into her hair. ‘But, like, from what I can remember with scuba, I might need my hands to control the oxygen or whatever.’
‘You mean I’m not as important to you as oxygen?’ Milly sounded petulant and then she giggled. Sofia had been taken for a ride, just as it sounded like Brian had been.
He joined in laughing. ‘I thought you were serious then.’
A light-sounding slap, most probably on the chest or arm, thought Sofia. ‘As if!’ Milly exclaimed and then after a moment of silence, maybe they were hugging again.
‘I love you,’ Brian said tenderly.
‘I love you more,’ Milly responded playfully.
‘Now we don’t have time for that game, Mills. We’re already late.’ Sofia scuttled up the stairs just in time to turn and appear as if she was just coming down as they began climbing them. Milly was wearing a Lara-Croft-esque one-piece swimsuit made of silver scuba. Her jet of red hair wound into a tight bun at the nape of her neck. Brian was at the point of recycling outfits, so it was the leather flip-flops and Speedos paired with a black mesh shirt he wore undone.
‘There you two are. Are you ready for the trip?’ She smiled, hoping that there was nothing close to guilt hiding in her expression.
‘Sorry we’re a bit late.’ Milly looked embarrassed. Brian reached out his hand and took Milly’s.
‘I’m sure it’s no bother, right, Sofia?’ He looked up at Sofia, protective and stern.
‘Not at all. Right this way,’ she said brightly, leading them over to the tender.
Jack was looking resolutely grumpy when as they made their way over, the tender was already in the water. ‘Are we finally ready?’
Sofia wondered, not for the first time, where this obsession with timekeeping came from.
It was her turn to give a stern look. They didn’t want a distressed Milly on their hands for the day.
‘That was my fault,’ Brian piped up, and Sofia spied the look of gratitude Milly shot up at him.
‘Right, well we better get a move on.’ Jack ushered them all onto the boat, handing around the life jackets. ‘So have either of you scuba dived before?’ he asked brashly.
‘I have,’ Brian said, and then putting his arm around Milly he added, ‘And Mills has tried in a pool once.’
Jack raised an eyebrow and Sofia understood why he had never made it as front of house. Not expressing disdain and irritation with your guests was probably lesson number one.
‘Well that’s a great start,’ Sofia interjected before Jack could say something dismissive. ‘I’ve never been before, so it’s nice to have a few people with experience around me.’
Milly and Brian both beamed and Sofia hoped she was making up for Jack’s raincloud. She did, after all, feel partly responsible. The reminder of his dawn trips to visit his dead mother had been ill-timed, at best.
‘Well, Sofia, I might need you to stay on the boat honestly, but let’s see.’ He hadn’t understood her strategy for making Milly feel more at ease. It only then occurred to her that her strategy was also going to lose her that stupid bet.
Jack started the engine and they glided across the waves. Once again Sofia was reminded how much she loved being out on the water. Something about the spray and the motor imitating white noise made her feel totally free without feeling alone.
***
After about half an hour on the water, they began running parallel with the jagged cliff face. The pale grey stone protruded from the sea in bulbous clumps, like coral coming up for air and dotted with parasol shoots and beach towels in every colour.
Jack slowed the boat as they came to an opening in the rock. From where they were, it seemed impossible that he could drive through it. As they approached at an angle the facade gave way to an alcove of shallower, crystal-clear water. It was a popular local spot by the looks of it, children splashing in the rock pools at one end, teenagers jumping off ledges into the deeper waters at the other.
Jack manoeuvred the boat and jumped out onto a craggy ridge, seamlessly pushing the bow of the boat with his foot to stop it crashing, and pulling the rope tight to tie it around a hook hammered into the rock face.
‘Anything I can do?’ Sofia was standing helplessly in the middle of the boat, awaiting instruction.
‘Just sit there and look pretty,’ Jack replied, distracted as he hopped back onto the boat and fiddled with the controls. Sofia flopped back into her seat.
Milly clapped her hands together gracefully. ‘You two are so cute. Today is going to be so much fun.’ Sofia just smiled. She wasn’t really in a position to explain to Milly that there was, in fact, nothing cute going on between her and Jack. It was anything but cute; it was ugly and complicated and threatened both their livelihoods, not to mention wreaking havoc on her nerves.
***
When he was done parking, Jack turned to face them. ‘So who wants to go first?’ He didn’t seem as bad-tempered as earlier but Sofia could see that the mask he sometimes wore, the one that gave his eyes that vacant expression, was on.
Brian raised his hand eagerly.
‘Right, let’s get you into the kit then, and then Milly maybe you can join us for a bit? If there’s time at the end, Sofia, we can do some basic breathing exercises in the shallows.’ Jack rattled off the plan robotically, as if reciting from a memorised script. Sofia supposed this was how colleagues might usually interact, but she felt a little stung by how impersonal it all was. No more knowing looks and in-jokes, just the matter at hand.
Sofia had to avert her eyes as Jack removed his shirt and trousers. Underneath he wore simple navy swimming trunks. She was looking down and caught herself staring at his calves again. They were tanned and toned, just like the rest of him. Both men shrugged into the scuba harnesses and tested their oxygen. Once they had pulled on their flippers and goggles, Sofia trusted herself enough to look directly at them.
Jack looked goofy, sure, his dark hair pushed up and away from his forehead by the mask and the harness clipped across his nipples, but it also felt tantalising to see his body so exposed in the full light of day. That night she had felt her way around, more than she had looked, and it was only now that the two senses were calibrating that she could fully understand just how beautiful he was.
Milly went over to where Brian was sitting on the edge of the boat and removed the breathing equipment from his mouth, replacing it with her lips and tongue. Both Sofia and Jack looked away.
‘Have fun, baby. Come back in one piece,’ Milly whispered into his ear. He pecked her on the cheek and pulled down his goggles. The men fell backwards into the water, leaving Milly and Sofia on the boat.
‘I hope they’re going to be OK.’ Milly was already fretting. Just then Jack came to the surface with a thumbs up.
‘Jack knows what he’s doing.’ At least when it comes to scuba diving, thought Sofia.
Milly looked over at her, perhaps sensing there was something left unsaid. ‘Am I allowed to ask what the deal is with you two? Compared to last time, something seems a bit... off.’ Milly came over and sat a little too close to Sofia.
Sofia blushed. She looked straight ahead as she spoke. ‘You’re allowed to ask, but I’m not allowed to say.’
Milly cocked her head to one side, considering whether to probe further. She apparently decided against it.
Instead she said, ‘Well, whatever it is, I think you should try and sort it out. I kept telling Brian after our last trip that I was convinced you two were in love, even if you didn’t know it yet.’ Milly sounded so matter-of-fact, as if she hadn’t just said the unsayable, as if she hadn’t trampled all over Sofia’s pact with herself to not even think about the L-word.
Sofia laughed nervously. ‘Oh I don’t know about all that – surely you can’t tell that sort of thing from just one day.’ Sofia wanted this conversation to end.
‘Well with Brian I remember it was the same.’ Milly paused, pulling a strand of her hair out of her bun and twiddling it around her finger. ‘Well, not the same – we were on national television – but the point is that it was everyone else who saw what me and Bri had before I did.’ She peeked over at Sofia, seeming to steel herself for what she was about to say next.
‘I never really expected to find love on there. Sure, it’s called The True Course of Love, but let’s be real I was there for Instagram followers and a BabyDoll line.’ She mused for a moment. ‘And, like, obviously I got those things too, but Brian...’ She sighed.
‘Brian was so much more than I signed up for and for ages I didn’t really know how to handle that. It was one of the other girls – you remember Angie?’ She looked over expectantly and Sofia shook her head. ‘Well anyway, this girl Angie, she was kind of my bestie on the show, she was the one that was like, “Babe, you love him,” because I just refused to accept it. I mean it’s ridiculous, to fall in love with someone in like two weeks right? But then you’re with them twenty-four hours a day, and it’s all so intense and you really get to see what someone is made of, how they act under pressure.’
She looked over at Sofia again, who was in a sort of daze. ‘And I knew that Brian was the one, because he made me fearless, still does, like he makes me feel like it’s OK to fail, because even if I do he’ll still be there. It’s really amazing what you can do once you’re not afraid to fail anymore.’ Milly tucked the strand back into her bun.
‘You know I always assumed that I would have to choose between a great career or a great love, that it was impossible to juggle both, but I think we’ve actually made each other more successful, and not just like on Instagram or whatever, but like that kind of support, it makes you braver.’
Sofia didn’t know how to respond. She was aware that Milly couldn’t possibly know how relevant her situation with Brian felt to what was going on with Jack, and so something about it felt fated.
In a rare moment of earnestness Sofia looked over at Milly and said, ‘It’s really beautiful that you two have found each other.’
Milly beamed, her eyes welling. ‘I just hope I don’t mess it up. It feels like a lot of pressure sometimes, what with him going off to play his games abroad and me trying to set up my own makeup brand. ‘And with that the relatability evaporated. Sofia patted Milly on the shoulder sympathetically.
A splash caught Milly’s attention and she rushed across the boat to see Brian and Jack coming up.
‘It’s beautiful down there, baby. You’ve just gotta see it!’ Sofia didn’t think she’d heard Brian sound so enthused since the urchin-sabotaged photo shoot.
‘OK, I’m going to do it.’ Milly sounded determined. That must be the bravery she was talking about, Sofia thought.
Jack lithely climbed up the ladder, drops of water dripping from his body onto the deck.
‘Let me give you a hand with the kit,’ he offered, grabbing another harness and tank from under the seat and slipping it over Milly’s shoulders. Sofia remembered what it was like to have his fingers caress her shoulders and felt an unexpected bite of jealousy.
‘It’s very heavy,’ Milly said, concern echoing through her voice.
‘Once you’re in the water, it’ll feel more comfortable – don’t worry.’ Jack’s voice was reassuring and calm. He could be empathetic when he wanted to be.
Milly had a couple of trial goes with the breathing equipment and then she was ready, or rather: ‘I guess as ready as I’ll ever be.’ A squeal and a splash and she was in, bobbing in the turquoise water with a smile on her face.
Sofia watched as Brian coaxed her into taking more and more breaths underwater until eventually, with a flick of the flipper she was gone. On the boat alone, Sofia couldn’t stop thinking about what Milly had said. It sounded cheesy to talk about love giving you courage, but she’d seen it so clearly today that it felt like a morality tale from the universe.
For the first time she dared explore the possibility that she might love Jack. It seemed preposterous on the face of it. She had only known the man a couple of weeks after all, but then again, from the moment they had met there had been something between them.
At the start she had thought it was disdain, and then hatred, then tension turned to chemistry. For one brief moment there was friendship, and for another there was passion. But all of it was visceral and charged. There had never been apathy or disinterest. From the moment they had met she had thirsted after details of him, even in the beach bar she had found herself imagining the sort of person he was, repulsed by his bravado but also fascinated.
She sat as the boat swayed lightly, marvelling at her surroundings, the sound of children’s laughter ricocheting through the cove. It didn’t feel so terrifying here, to consider that she was in love.
She tried to employ a bit of rationality, if she was indeed in love what would that mean?
It would mean that trying to ‘just be friends’ was a hopeless endeavour and she’d only be torturing herself. Secondly it meant that what she would want more than anything would be for him to be happy, and what made him happy was boating. Sofia thought back to her conversation with Stuart, how he’d said that Jack had lost his focus with her around. It dawned on her that if she did love him, she would probably have to do that most sacrificial of acts and let him go.
An interruption to her mulling came in the form of three bobbing heads yelling from the water. Sofia leant over the railing to throw the long ladder down. Milly spluttered. Sofia rushed into action, almost hitting Brian in the head in her haste.
The three of them scrambled up the ladder and collapsed onto the deck. Sofia held her breath, concerned, before they all burst out laughing.
‘We made it!’ Brian said as he pulled off his mask.
‘What the hell happened?’ Sofia had her hands on her hips, feeling a little left out of the joke.
‘Milly saw a shark, but we’re pretty sure it was just a dogfish,’ Jack chimed in.
‘No way, I reckon it was a great white!’ Milly sounded indignant, but she was grinning. ‘OK, maybe just a baby one.’
‘We were swimming along and then Milly did the hand signal for a shark, or danger or whatever, and we all panicked, when we came up Jack explained it was harmless, but once she’d got it into her head...’ Brian was teasing, and Milly rose to the bait.
‘Wait wait, there was definitely a moment there where you were scared too!’ she objected.
‘Call it group hysteria.’ Jack rolled his eyes dismissively but even he looked a little shaken up.
‘Well, after the shock you’ve all had, I think it’s the perfect time for a spot of lunch.’ Sofia helped Milly up and headed to the cool box.
‘Which we are lucky enough to have had lovingly prepared, and remembered, by our one and only Chef Harlow.’ It was Jack, in hushed tones, but when Sofia turned round to give him a scathing look she was caught off guard by the good-humoured twinkle in his eye.
‘Yes, this time around we won’t have to scavenge for our food,’ she retorted, and then catching Jack’s eye, she added, ‘As enchanting as that little detour was.’ He smiled at her and she felt her heart skip. She blushed slightly at the radiance of his face.
She set up the tender’s small collapsible table, grunting a little at the effort of tightening the bolts into the deck. She could feel Jack’s bemusement as he watched her, arms resolutely folded.
‘You’re not going to help then?’ she puffed.
‘You’re doing a fine job as is it, Harlow. Wouldn’t want to interfere,’ he said with his face fixed in a smirk.
Sofia laid out the picnic on a gingham blanket. She’d thought it might look good on an Instagram story when she’d chosen it, and then felt silly for taking that into consideration. Now that Milly was getting her phone out and rearranging the strawberries and slices of cheeses to better sit in the frame, she was glad that she did.
‘What are those?’ Milly pointed at a small jar.
‘They’re preserved mussels. They’re delicious with a bit of crusty bread.’ Sofia broke off a chunk and handed it to Milly, who wrinkled her nose.
‘Come on now, you can’t knock them until you’ve tried them, babe.’ It was Brian, softly berating.
Milly took the bread from Sofia’s hand and then picked up the jar of mussels, eyeing them suspiciously. ‘I simply can’t eat that. They have, like, little beards on!’
Brian took the jar, opened it and then spooned a single mussel onto a corner of bread. Sofia and Jack were mesmerised by the scene in front of them. It was familiar and strange, performative and intimate. Brian reached forward and using two fingers lowered Milly’s eyelids, a mortician arranging his dead. As he did so, she opened her mouth and he fed her the snack in his hands. They all held their breath as she chewed contemplatively.
‘That’s actually super tasty,’ she said, clearly surprising herself. She opened her eyes and smiled at Brian. Then she turned to Sofia. ‘He’s always getting me to try new things like that. If it wasn’t for him I never would have tried that weird risotto. Turns out blue cheese and pear actually works!’
So it was Brian that Sofia had to thank for being able to expand her repertoire. When she caught his eye, he looked down bashfully. ‘It just seemed a waste to not get her to at least try all your wonderful food.’
Sofia was touched. Brian was so full of surprises, a football player with a heart of gold, a penchant for photography and an adventurous palette.
Sofia thought back to when she had met them, how Milly had seemed to be the one in charge, the one with the vision. Now she realised that they were a pair, each bringing their own strengths and skills to the union, and pushing each other to be better.