6. When the Brain Knows Better, but the Lady Bits Aren’t Getting the Message…
Allie
Crap.I’m about to be screwed over by a man yet again, aren’t I? Yes, yes, I am. I know he’s a professional liar and all, but he just seems so down-to-earth and thoughtful. That smile? The eye contact? The way he can instantly make you feel like you’re the only woman in the world? That hot professor look he’s got going on today? I didn’t know he had glasses too. Maybe he is a secret nerd, which would be the hottest thing ever.
And which also makes him the worst man to show up in my life right now.
Nope. I am not attracted to him. I’m not. I can’t be, so I’m not. There, done. That was easy.
But he did buy pastries for the team, and of all the places he could’ve bought them, he went into my parents’ bakery. If this were a romantic movie, it would be a sign that we’re meant to be.
But we’re not. Very clearly and obviously. He’s just a thoughtful, hot celebrity that’s going to sit across from me for a few weeks, then go back to his real life and forget he ever met me. Bastard.
Not to mention the seductive scent he’s wearing. What is that? The smell of rubbing your body with thousand-dollar bills when you wake up? Whatever it is, it’s intoxicating, which means I really don’t want him in my office all day. I absolutely positively cannot smell that by the hour or I’ll wind up launching myself at him, lips first.
I need a plan. Okay, think, Allie. How do you ignore this guy while also making it seem like you’re not ignoring him? I tap my finger on my lip while I glance wildly around my office. My eyes land on the desktop fan that we have on the far counter. We normally only need it in the summertime, but today it’s going to help me keep the smell away. I hurry over and take the fan off the counter, then set it up on Gwen’s desk (which I suppose I’ll have to start calling Hudson’s desk) so that it’s facing the door. I turn it on so it sucks the air toward the hall, then stand back and admire my results. Yes, that ought to do it. The intoxicating scent will no longer be a problem.
Now, all I have to do is set him up learning independently and I should be able to get some work done. I sit down and make a list:
Independent Learning Activities:
Frank Drake video
Dr. Napper tribute video
SETI Guys podcast (all 87 episodes)
Read entire Astronomy 101 textbook
Read entire Astronomy 102 textbook
Set up a day with each team member to give him a broad picture of what the team does
Have him take all the tours so he can learn how to lead them himself
That ought to take him a good two weeks, minimum. Smiling to myself, I start to feel a lot more relaxed. This will work. I can totally do this. Now, get to Frank before he’s here interrupting your flow. I flip on my computer. While it boots up, I send a quick text to my sister.
Me
Were you at the shop when Hudson Finch came in this morning?
Lucia
The actor?
Me
Yes. The one who’s coming to shadow me at work, remember?
Lucia
Of course I remember. He didn’t come in.
Me
Then how did he show up here with the big box? Maybe you don’t know which actor I mean. He was in The Honeymooner? He played that hot surfer who inherited a resort in the Caribbean?
Lucia
I know who he is. He’s on my list of celebrities I’m allowed to cheat with.
Me
First of all, seriously? You and Vinny made lists? What about the sanctity of marriage?
Lucia
Meh, trust me, after twelve years of having the same meal every night, you start to crave some new flavors.
Me
Okkkayyy … but back to Hudson. He really wasn’t there? You couldn’t have gone to the back for a break or something when he came in? Maybe Ma or Pops served him?
Lucia
I was here alone all morning. Pops had to drive Ma to the optometrist. I sold one big box, but it was to a woman with the straightest, blondest hair I’ve ever seen and a weird outfit. She was super pushy. What makes you think he was here?
Me
He said he was.
Lucia
Then Hudson Finch is a big, fat liar.
Me
Yup. Apparently. You should take him off your list.
Lucia
Nah, I’d still do him. Maybe you can introduce us.
Me
I hope you’re joking right now. Besides, who do you think the blonde is? I’m guessing she’s his awful girlfriend.
Lucia
Don’t ruin my fantasy. It’s literally all I have left.
Me
What about your husband and two beautiful children?
Lucia
Are you kidding? They’re the reason I need a rich fantasy life.
Well, that’s the final nail in the coffin. I now know all I need to know about Hudson Finch, phony baloney. I shall ignore him at will with a clear conscience.
As soon as I wake Frank up, I hear the TV crew coming down the hall. Act natural, Allie. Just act natural. And try to look smart. Wait. I am smart. Professional—try to look professional. I snatch a pencil out of my “Never Trust an Atom: They Make Up Everything” mug and tuck it behind my ear so I look like I’ve been hard at work this whole time.
“And here is our final stop—your office for the next six weeks,” Keenan says.
I glance up from my screen and smile politely while Hudson and the crew invade my space.
“Whoa, that’s quite the breeze,” Hudson remarks.
“Oh, you won’t notice it when you’re at your desk,” I answer. Glancing at Keenan, I see he’s narrowing his eyes at me. “But if it bothers you, I can move it. I just find the air flow helps me think.”
“No, that’s great, yeah,” Hudson says. “Good tip. See? I’m learning already and I just got here.”
Oh, he’s smooth. A smooth, smooth talker, who can go suck it.
Josie (who seems like a total beotch, by the way) says, “Hudson, let’s get some footage of you at your desk.”
“Oh sure,” he says, striding over and sitting down. He adjusts the seat, sits back and puts both hands on the desk, then runs them over the faux wood surface. “This is nice.”
No, it isn’t. It’s cheap and rickety. Oh my God, he’s not just a liar, he’s pathological.
“So, this is where the magic is going to happen,” Hudson says into the camera. “Dr. Allie here is going to show me the ropes and turn me into a radio astrologer. Crap, astronomer. Can we cut that?”
My body goes stiff at the word astrologer and I’m pretty sure the camera caught me looking like I just smelled the inside of a sweaty hockey helmet, but I do my best to recover.
Josie grins down at him. “Of course. Try the line again.”
He turns to me. “You do have a PhD, right? So I should call you doctor?”
Flatterer. I give him a quick nod that says of course I have my PhD. “I do, but you don’t have to call me doctor. I mean, if you were going to, it would be Dr. Cammareri, but Allie’s fine.”
Look at him, smiling away at me. He’s got no idea that I’m onto him. “Okay, thanks, Dr. Cammareri,” he says with a wink that I’m sure makes women around the world swoon. But not me. I’m not swooning. Okay, fine, maybe I did internally swoon the tiniest bit. I’m only human.
He looks back at the camera. “So, this is where the magic is going to happen. Dr. Cammareri here is going to be my guide as I fully immerse myself in the world of radio astronomy.”
“Awesome,” Josie says.
Hudson smiles at me. “Allie, can you tell the people at home what you’re working on?”
I pause for a second, trying to decide how much to say. “Umm, I’ve been working on a way to train an AI system I lovingly call Frank, after the late, great Frank Drake.”
Josie and Hudson both wear matching blank expressions.
“The father of SETI?”
Still nothing.
“Anyway, Frank here is learning to analyze the data we get from outer space. He’s looking for anomalies or repeated, unusual pulses of light or radio waves.”
“Wow, that sounds fascinating,” Hudson says, squinting at my computer screen.
“It really is,” I answer, even though I’m sure he’s just acting like he’s fascinated. “You see, it used to be, back in the day, that we had trouble getting signals from space. Then it was separating the radio and laser signals from Earth with those from space. We’ve sorted that out and have built up our global radio telescopes to the point where now, we’re getting too much data. Far more than we can analyze. But Frank is going to fix that because once he’s trained, he’ll be able to do the work one human would do in ten years in a matter of seconds.”
“Okay,” Josie says. “You can stop talking now. No way our viewers want to know any of that.”
Wow, rude. She could’ve at least pretended.
Josie turns to the camera with a wide-toothed grin. “All right, we’ll try to make it back here to check on Hudson sometime in the next few weeks, so make sure you stay tuned because you won’t want to miss it. From Mountain View, California, this is Josie Pedlar signing off.”
The cameraman lowers the camera to his side and Josie hands the mic to him. Then she sits on Hudson’s desk and, in a low voice, says, “So, this is really where you’re going to spend the next few weeks. Aren’t you afraid you’re going to die of boredom?”
I wait, expecting him to laugh, but he doesn’t. He just shakes his head. “Nope. I’m really excited about this. I love learning new things.”
“The camera’s off, Hudson. You can tell the truth now.”
The sound guy walks over and starts taking Hudson’s mic off. He’s got his hands right on Hudson’s collar. Lucky bastard. No, I mean, eww. Poor guy.
“I am telling the truth. I’m looking forward to this. Besides, I really appreciate Allie here taking me under her wing. I’m sure she’s got a lot better things to do than help a total newbie learn about her job.”
Huh, that was sort of sweet. Oh wait, he’s just acting. Dammit. It is going to be so hard for me to remember that.
Josie glances around, wrinkles up her nose at my poster of Einstein sticking his tongue out, then shrugs. “Whatever. Do you want to go grab some lunch?”
“Thank you for the offer, but I really should get started here. If I’m going to become Dr. David Peck Todd, I need to get on it.”
“Another time then?” she says, running a finger along his forearm. “When you get back to L.A.?”
“Absolutely.”
Oh my God, she’s not going to fall for that, is she? Does she not know about the woman with the straight blonde hair who buys his pastries for him?
That smile says that even if she did know, she wouldn’t care. Pathetic. “Okay, but I’m going to hold you to it.”
“I’d expect nothing less,” he says, standing. “Here, why don’t I walk you guys out?”
They all finally exit my office, then Hudson pokes his head back in. “Allie, which way is it to the lobby?”
I point to my left.
“Thanks.”
As they start down the hall, I hear him ask the cameraman how his family’s doing. Good lord, does he not have an off-switch for that charm?